Bachelor Pad 2, Episode IV: Mt. Saint Melissa

The Cliffhanger
No, silly, I'm not talking the Sopranos style end to last week. But the Stallone inspired cliffhanger leaving Jake in the balance:

Jake loses his grip and Fleiss & Co. can only extend his run into the first few minutes of episode IV. 

Kissing Competition

Michelle bows out citing morals.

MICHELLE BOWS OUT CITING MORALS. Let's just move on before Dugan's head explodes. Ella, the other single mother, has no such qualms. Holly is blindfolded first and most of the guys respect Breakdancing Michael's dibs on his former fiance and give innocent pecks. For today's WWT math lesson, 1 US peck = 0.25 US bushels. If the other guys were going for pecks, Dentist Blake stepped up his game with a bushel or two. And for the rest:

• Momma Ella brings home the rose for some "baby making kisses."
• Erica was giving it her all 

• Kasey's breathe turned off the women
• Blake had no fear until it came to Vienna
• Blake and Ella get roses and ones to give out

 Ella's date to the other Bachelor House   

• Ella takes teammate Kirk on a date with a red ferari to the other house in the Bachelor stable.
• Kirk rehashes his life threatening mold story.
• This story falls on deaf ears with the authors of WWT because this is an untouched photo of the house Wags and I lived in during college:

• Kirk got sick, lost 20 lbs and dropped out of school. I know A LOT of guys who got sick often, gained 20 lbs and dropped out of school. Oh, and they don't complain about it on national television.
• Especially to a women who trumps your bad "cold" during college with the ol' "I watched my step dad murder my mother when I was 3."
• There are NO WINNERS when Kirk whines about his sickness.
• Back at the house, Erica is giving Blake a massage and I would rather not discuss more since many people read this blog while eating breakfast.

WWT's Having Fun With Wikipedia

Mount St. Melissa is an active stratovolcano located in Orange County, Florida, in the Southeast region of the United States. She is 96 miles (154 km) south of Sanity, Anywhere and 50 miles (80 km) northeast of Lucid, Thought. Mount St. Melissa takes its English name from the British diplomat Lord St Crazy, a friend of producer Mike Fleiss who wisely cast her in a previous season of the Bachelor. The volcano is located in the Bachelor/ette collection of shows and is part of the the reason the United States will not be a superpower in the near future, a segment of the Reality Ring of Fire that includes over 160 active volcanoes on a myriad of television programs. This volcano is well known for its behavioral explosions and psychiatric flows.

Mount St. Melissa is most notorious for her catastrophic eruption on August 29, 2011, at 8:32 pm EST^[2] which was the craziest and most career destructive volcanic event in the history of the United States. Fifty-seven people were brought to tears; 250 snorted, 47 immediately texted "LOL", and one Dugan immediately requested she be made the next Bachelorette.

•  Blake made an awful, early game decision to play with Melissa.
• He tried to cut his ties and Mt. Saint Melissa erupted
• Blake chose Mike's former fiance Holly for his one-on-one
• Melissa calls Blake a dictator ...I...can't...resist...the...temptation

IT'S MUAMMAR AL BLAKE!!!

Muammar and Holly Go Skiing

The two have an obvious budding connection and Mike sits back at the pad not wanting them to fall in love…

• Melissa does a terrible job of trying to console breakdancing Mike by calling his former fiance a hoe and Muammar a Don Juan.
• Now that Holly is into another guy, Mike tries to make his move (good timing, Mike!).

<<< I interrupt the WWT recap to bring you the funniest moment from ABC last night. While announcing the next cast for Dancing with the 'Stars,' David Arquette was billed as “King of the Big Screen.” If you were given 2,000 guesses to who is "King of the Big Screen?" would you have reached Mr. Cox?">>>

Rose Ceremony: 

• Safe: Blake, Holly, Kirk, Ella
• Kasey says the 250,000.00 prize is for "my grandma to live."
• Michael and Holly create the Brad & Emilyesque date of their own at the mansion
• Kasey, the shows Godfather, admits he is scared of Mt. Saint Melissa
• Cell Phone Bill and Mt. Saint Melissa are done.

We'll miss you, Melissa.

Bachelor Pad 2, Episode III: That Girl is Poison

I'll start with a confession: Liz and I are five hours behind on the show. Yes, five hours is the entire length of the first two episodes. Based on the episode three preview, I think we should not have any problem catching up.

It's good to know that not much has changed. Kirk started off the episode by announcing that "having a crazy partner might not be good." When I think about that statement more, it seems like pretty good life advice and not just good Bachelor Pad advice.

Kasey announced that he wants Jake to go home, but he won't go home because he has "alligator blood." I heard you can defeat Jake by running in a zig zag motion because he can only run straight.

Rose Challenge: Synchronized Swimming

Harrison announces that the rose challenge is synchronized swimming. "Who doesn't love synchronized swimming!?" What has two thumbs and is this guy?

The guys seem to have the early advantage because Jake was on a dancing TV show and Mike is a break dancing instructor. Who knew those useless skills might actually be useful? That's the beauty of reality television. And who says this stuff is trash?

The women started and violated the only rule of synchronized that I actually know: don't touch the bottom of the pool. They just danced in the pool and looked like clowns.

The men did a superior job. Like I said, looks like all those useless skills paid off.

Harrison said that this competition "set synchronized swimming back fifty years." Who knew that it is such a modern sport? According to the very modern Olympic coach, the break dancer and CEM II were the best.

Interlude

Before the dates started, Jake announced that everyone is "looking for a hero." Wasn't that a song? Yes, yes there was:

Kasey and Vienna then got into a fight. They seem to be in a dating relationship, but this seems more like a relationship with some violence/anger issues. I'm not a family therapist, but this is definitely a bad sitch (is that how you'd abbreviate "situation?")

The Date Portion

CEM II took the Dentist, Graham, and Kasey on her date. The date was boring. I have nothing to say about it. Some guy named Graham got a rose.

The Break Dancer took his Holly, Vienna, and Ella. They got to ride horses. Vienna was pissed to wear a helmet. I totally agree with her. Who needs a helmet when they ride a horse?

Things got emotional when the Break Dancer and Holly had a heart-to-heart about their breakup. They seem like they might be in love, but just can't get it right. Seems a little too real. Cut back to Kasey, please.

Jake made out with Erica. According to her own description, she "has great lips" that she "maintains...with injections." She's also a self-described great kisser. Paging @humblebrag.

Bret Michaels then showed up. He played "Every Rose Has Its Thorn." I was hoping for "Unskinny Bop." That one is my favorite, but it wouldn't make much sense. After perusing Poison's Wikipedia page, this song might have been fun/funny to hear live:

Kasey, I Love You

Kasey was ready to give Vienna a six-month anniversary promise ring. Vienna freaked out that it might be an engagement ring. You know you might be in the wrong relationship if...

KASEY SANG. KASEY SANG. KASEY SANG. These past seventy five minutes have been completely worth it. This calls for a trip down memory lane:

Melissa, You're Not Well

Before the rose ceremony, we were treated to twenty minutes of Melissa freaking out for no real reason. She seems to truly understand the meaning of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn." Get it? The Bachelorette has roses, but sometimes the thorns on the stems hurt more. It's a little like love. It's actually a lot like love.

So Who Goes Home?

Tonight, one guy was going home. The early favorite to go home was Jake, but Erica Duck Lips flipped the script. Jake said he would stay "with the grace of God." I think God has better things to worry about.

In what might have been the most artistic ending ever, Kasey was sent home in a Sopranos-style ending.

The show then cut over to Batman swimming in the pool in the middle of the night. Film and Television classes will undoubtedly be analyzing this Bachelor Pad ending for years to come.

Bachelor Pad 2, Episode II: "We're having a yacht of fun"

Good news: There will be a recap of the episode for our faithful readers. Bad news: It's written by Dugan. We'll do this thing bullet point style again and get you the highlights as I saw them. Please add your own in the comments because I don't watch BP nearly as closely as the Bachelor/ette. The episode begins with Kasey as the Batchelor Godfather choosing who lives or dies.

Just a heads up to our fans. When writing your Bachelor blog at work, be careful with google image search. Because my "Kasey Bachelor" image search prompted a "Casey Batchelor" image search and may lead to Dugan meeting with HR this afternoon. Considering Dugan is HR, I have not decided how to punish myself yet. But let's get back to the episode and the competition for this week's roses

Egg Toss Paint Ball

 The competition was basically who could break an egg on the opposite sex's back. Since Erica was the largest target, she got hit a lot. Personally, I never thought Erica looked better:

Before telling you who won, my favorite parts of the competition:

• Our boy Chris Harrison guessing who they were aiming at. Say artist Jackie missed badly when asked to hit the "dumbest guy." Chris would confidantly volunteer who they were aiming at, "Oh, she was going for Cell Phone Bill with that one." Ouch, Harrison.
• Break Dancing Michael turns into Lee Smith with the overhand fireball drilling Erica.
• Break Dancing Michael and Olive Graden Melissa (remember, she's a hostess at a central florida restaurant) win safety and the right to go on dates.

Breakdancing Mike's Scary Date

And it has nothing to do with the haunted Linda Vista Hospital. He took Erica!!! That would scare the shit out of any guy. But in addition to Erica, Mike decided to breakdance with ex-fiance Holly and Michelle Boozer. This is a hilarious foursome.

• Mike and Holly only broke up 2.5 months before BP2
• Mike and Erica try to contact the dead
• Michelle and Holly discuss whether "there's still something there" between Mike and Holly
• Mike and Holly discuss the timing issues that affected their relationship
• The ex, Holly, gets a rose and safety.

Olive Garden Melissa's a yacht of fun

Ok, I have used Kasey the Frog's pun twice now. It was incredible. Almost good enough to lessen my hate for him. He is simply awful. But he is with Vienna so he's got that going for him. Kasey the Frog and Olive Garden Melissa discuss a rose-safety swap until Blake the Dentist, Male Gigolo appears.

Dentist Blake tries to explain the date:

Blame it on the goose

Got you geeling loose

Blame it on the petron

Got you in the zone

Blame it on the a a a a a alcohol

Blame it on the a a a a a a alcohol

The Dentist is in t-r-o-u-b-l-e. He did not heed warnings about Melissa, secured the rose and sealed his fate. Despite Melissa's desire to rehab her image on BP2, we all know what's going to happen. This. will. not. end. well.

Rose ceremony drama

Chris Harrison enters the Kasey the Frog controlled rose ceremony and drops a bomb: Jake's not leaving tonight as two girls will exit. Kasey & Vienna threaten to leave the show because of the producer's "cheating." Mrs. Dugan brings a strong thought about Vienna: "She's so bad she almost makes Jake likeable." Mind you, Mrs. Dugan is no less convinced that Jake is Patrick Bateman incarnate. And for the rest:

• Blake's getting to see the full Melissa
• "I've been carrying him. I've been winning competitions for us." (There have been 2. She won 1.)
• Kirk and Ella are very normal compared to the rest of the people on the show
• Kasey the Frog is flailing as Don Corleone
• Michelle Boozer tries to convince Jake to leave. Humorous.
• Gia bails after Graham sells her out to the Bachelor Don.

Ames & the Artist

Ames & Jackie's exit was straight out of Hollywood. Sometimes Fleiss & Co. knock it out of the park. That's why some of their cheaper stunts annoy me. They have the ability to do great work (see making Don Kasey the Frog look ridiculous the entire episode) but they can also fall flat at times (egg competition). But Ames choosing Jackie over a chance at $250,000.00 was pretty smooth by Dugan's standards. WWT wishes them luck and continues to apologize for your unfortunate nickname, El Douche (but did you see those red pants?).

Line of the Night: "I think it's safe to say that we won Bachelor Pad 2."

Awwww. Puppies.

The Bachelor Pad II: Setting the Scene

Chris Harrison explains that the Bachelor Pad is the "home to the men and women who did not find lasting love on the Bachelor or Bachelorette." To the fans and friends of WWT, BP is simply awesome. Fleiss & Co. do a great job of mixing fan and blog favorites as well as enemies. But 3 hours was tough to handle.

The Enemies List:

• Rated R from Bachelorette Ally's season doesn't want to see his enemy Kasey. He will see Kasey.
• Kasey from Ally's season doesn't want to see former Bachelorette Jake. Kasey will see Jake. 
• Jake wants to see Vienna, his former fiance, who doesn't want to see him. It will happen.
• Vienna also doesn't want to see Gia from Jake's season and BP1. That will happen.
• Holly doesn't want to see Breakdancing Mike. Whoops.

The Rest:

• Dentist Blake, El Douche and Cell Phone Bill from the recently completed season of the Bachelorette
• Erica from Lorenzo's season who explains what won't get in her way of winning: "my morals" 
• Momma Ella from Jake's season got more attractive and relayed an awful story about witnessing her mother's murder at the hands of her step-father
• Graham from Deanna's season
• Young Alli from Brad's season? I don't really remember what season she was in. I remember this: From Ohio with a well endowed personality and was kept around late in a season without ever getting much one on one time. And once she got it, she was cut. Doesn't say much for her real personality.
• Crazy Melissa. All I remember is bat shit crazy.
• Kirk from Alli's season - everyone should remember that home date with the taxidermy in his father's basement.

Highlights from the Meet & Greet

• Gia explains that "Vienna is so skank in my book." 
• Vienna described winning on the Bachelor as a "lose-lose."
• Kasey bringing the heat: "I'm going to take a Jake and wipe my Pavelka." BOOM. Roasted.
• Rated R breaks it down: "Love's a waste of time. I'm here for the money."
• Holly likes Dentist Blake because "he uses really big words." 
• Formerly engages couple Breakdancing Mike and Holly's meet was a.w.k.w.a.r.d. and great for the viewer.
• Ella thinks drama surrounds Vienna and would not want to be her. Mind you, this is the same woman who is a single mother who saw her own mother murdered. I am not trying to make light of Ella's awful tragedy - only highlight how awful it is to be Vienna.
• Jake & Vienna's A.W.K.W.A.R.D. meetup blows Holly and Mike's out of the water.
• Jake to Vienna, "You look nice. And I met Kasey."
• Then they discuss the weather. Dugan made mental note never again to discuss weather in a social setting.

The Straddling Swing Competition

Not much to discuss here outside of the following:

• Cell Phone Bill gets Gia much to most men's jealousy and promptly drops her.
• Kirk gets stuck with Erica and his herculean effort carried them far
• Michelle Money defied gravity
• In a tension filled ending, Jake & Artist Jackie knocked off Vienna and Kasey to win immunity.
• Vienna and Kasey flee to fight.
• Vienna: "I kind of expected a little more from you." OUCH. Fighting ensues.
• Vienna: "we made a promise we wouldn't fight on camera." Guffaw.
• Kasey in an attempt to make up: "I love you more than peanut butter cookies."
• Mrs. Dugan: "I need her to drown."

Jake & Jackie's Night Out

• Jake has fans. Turns out they are 11 year olds.
• BP2 turns Survivor at the House with alliances forming.
• Jake is still a sociopath.
• Dugan is more convinced than ever that Jake is the real life Patrick Bateman.
• Back at the house, C.E.M.II thinks Vienna should confront Jake.
• Vienna explains to C.E.M.II that Jake is a book that she finished . . . and would like to burn. Ok, then. 

Jake & Gia's Sit Down

• Jake's giving a rose to Vienna. Dugan doesn't understand. 
• The girls in the house don't like Gia. Dugan understands. Jealousy's a bitch.
• Gia & Jake discuss chess strategy and Virgil's Aeneid.

• Jake gives immunity to Vienna and apologizes for never getting a table at Dorsia.
• There is an idea of a Jake Pavelka; some kind of abstraction. But there is no real Jake: only an entity, something illusory. And though he can hide his cold gaze, and you can shake his hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense your lifestyles are probably comparable... He simply is not there.
• Gia bluffs Kasey very well and secures an alliance with him. Then I found the following picture showing where Gia learned her skills.

Rose Ceremony

• Rated R. doesn't like Kasey walking around like King-ding-a-ling at the rose ceremony.
• Dugan can't resist this classic:

• I won't go through all the rose recipients but Erica was my favorite, mainly for her cross promotion for ABC's Dancing With the Stars:

• Young Ally and Rated R get the boot for playing both sides.
• Until next time, my friends.

The Bachelorette Finale: How did we miss this?

The Bachelorette Finale: Post 151

Welcome to the finale-that-couldn't-come-soon-enough. Turns out this is our 151st post on WWT. In honor of that number, I sure wish I had a few shots of 151. Might take the edge off of Ashley's distinct brand of annoying.

The episode started off on Vomo Island. Amazingly, it described exactly what Liz wants to do every time she sees Ashley...vomo all over the place.

Ashley's family arrived. This is truly what we have all been waiting for: Ashley's sister Kat Von D.

In one breath, Ashley says she's absolutely in love, and she hasn't made the final choice. Those are two statements that seem contrapositive to one another. (Definitely not sure if it's the right word, but I'm hoping that ND Freshman year Philosophy paid off).

Cupcake got to meet Ashley's family first. Ashley said she wasn't nervous at all. Her brother, on the other hand, seems extremely nervous. He kept wiping off sweat with a towel. Maybe it's just really hot in Vomo Island. According to some weather website, it's currently 28 degrees Celsius right now in Vomo (whatever that means).

After one lunch and two Pina Coladas, Ashley's sister Kat Von D doesn't think that Cupcake is for her because he doesn't make her laugh. Kat thinks that she is "much more rational" than Ashley. I beg to differ. Was it rational to get a butterfly tattoo on your throat?

Ashley turned to her brother for support. Amazingly, he also looks just like another quasi-celebrity. What will you give me for Ashley's brother and Derrick from MTV's Road Rules/Real World Challenge (if Derrick really liked Puka shell necklaces)?

Unfortunately for Cupcake, Derrick isn't running the interview portion, but Kat is. Cupcake and Kat are not getting off to a good start. Kat thinks Brad was better for Ashley. She thinks Cupcake is too timid for Ashley. To top it off, she didn't think Cupcake should propose. If Cupcake wins this thing, I don't think he's going to be getting coffee with his sister-in-law.

Cupcake learned a lesson that Madison Avenue has been selling for a long time:

Ashley had a heart-to-heart with Kat that quickly deteriorated into Ashley calling Kat a negative bitch. (Those are her words, not mine). These are the type of moments during the Finale that always make me wonder what the winner of the show is thinking while watching right now. He HAS to be worried about what a dysfunctional family he's marrying into. But this show always leads to successful marriages, right? So no worries.

Sonoma Ben then got his chance with Ashley's B-list celebrity family. Kat says she wants a guy that brings out who Ashley really is. Apparently that includes Ashley's famous "dog voice." If I had a friend that made it to the late stages of applying to be on THIS season, I would again remind him how lucky he is not to have been selected (this is all hypothetically speaking of course).

Quick pause break. Needed to get an ice cream sandwich and happened to stop on this gem:

With a nose-pick like that, how could she not pick this Maestro of Merlot. (And to clarify, Liz got me the ice cream sandwich while I sat on the couch typing...I'll get her flowers soon...get off my back!).

Let's get back to some Philosophy proofs.

1) Ashley's family loves Ben

2) Ashley hates her family (esp. Kat)

3) Ashley should pick Sonoma Ben

4) Ashley will pick Cupcake

(Nietszche couldn't have done it better than that)

Sonoma Ben's date with Ashley continued on an helicopter trip to a pond. They were in a natural mud bath on Vomo Island. Sounds a little risky to me. To Ashley, it was more risque than risky. I did a little research and found out that Ashley and Sonoma were not alone in the mudbath. I was able to obtain exclusive footage of their co-mudders:

Something I've recently noticed about Ashley that really irritates me is that she is the worst sentence-finisher. As Sonoma Ben told her that he loved her "and never expected it...," Ashley finished his sentence with..."in a million years?" Just zip it. I'm getting ornery as this show goes on.

Cupcake had his last date. Overally, boring. But he did give us this gem. "She may love both of us, but she can only be in love with one of us," said Cupcake. That's meaningful and meaningless all at once.

Next, we got our yearly dose of Neil Lane. I vote for him to become Harrison's sidekick on Bachelor Pad. Neil could really add some clarity to that show. Get it? Clarity. It's a triple entendre. He's a diamond guy.

Usually we get to see who gets out of the limo first, but today we get a new twist from Fleiss and Co. In the Fijian tradition, there are no limos, but only seaplanes. Also, these seaplanes are required to fly around at least six loops before landing. Don't ask why, it's Fiji.

Like Nietzsche always said, the first person out of the seaplane usually loses. BEN. NO. Ben loses and peaces out. Ben left with honesty and grace, telling Ashley, "these things don't end on good terms, hope you and JP have a nice life together." Previously, I wanted new Bachelor blood, but now I want Sonoma Ben for Bachelor Season 27.

Cupcake won. I can't fight the feeling anymore that Cupcake and the Dental Student are not going to last.

The Bachelorette: Men Tell All

Ok, this is going to be a quick recapitulation for those who missed last night's Men Tell All. First, you didn't miss anything because it was a two hour waste. Some highlights:

• Liquor Tim returned to redeem himself and apologize for his early exit
• The Masked Man was regularly derided by the men for his antics. (PS, if anyone believes this was not driven by the producers, I have lost respect for you).
• Cell Phone Bill doesn't feel bad about throwing LL Ben under the bus. Oh, and he sticks his hands in his ears like a 7 year old to avoid hearing himself, showing that his maturation success is equal to his career success.
• Revisited the pissing dog on Greek Groban and Ashley's lantern date.
• El Douche reacted like I would have when faced with flying crickets/larvae to eat.
• Ashley coats her face with vaseline before going to sleep.
• Bachelor Pad II will be incredible.
• Kasey "Guard and Protect your heart" discussed wanting to beat up Jake: "That's for America. That's for my girlfriend." Does Kasey think America sides with Vienna about anything?
• Solar Vienna read books about what questions to ask before marriage/engagement. I think it's safe to say that Solar Vienna was "here for the right reasons" except for the fact he is probably not heterosexual - not that there's anything wrong with that.
• Solar Vienna's "You don't want to meet my family . . . (long pause)" after getting dumped will remain one of my all time favorite exits from the show.
• Nick the baseball player should have been named El Douche.
• Michelle Money offered to pay her own airfare and bake cookies for the cast and crew for 2 minutes of airtime.
• Bentley didn't show up to defend himself because there really wasn't much he could say to rehab his image
• Ali, Jason & Deanna showed up to . . . what the hell did they show up for?

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. Did Dugan write that Ashley covers her face with Vaseline before going to bed?

Yes.