The Bachelorette Finale, Episode 10.

The Super Bowl is the Super Bowl.  The Oscars are the Super Bowl of fashion.  And the Bachelorette finale is the Super Bowl of Neil Lane.  The special day has arrived.  One of the Bachelorette contestants (and in this case, who really cares?) will get to make the choice between several Hope diamond sized rings.  Neil Lane only brings the big ones.  

45 carats

According to Chris Harrison, this is the "television event of the summer."  Sorry network television, this is further proof that Netflix is taking over.  

The finale is taking place in the Maldives.  I've always kind of wondered how to properly pronounce the Maldives.  According to Becca, it's the "maul-deeves."  Now, whenever someone mispronounces it, I can smugly correct them and tell them I learned how to pronounce it properly on the Bachelorette.  I will feel so smart.  

Fav Garrett Meets the Fam

Fav Garrett met Becca's family first.  Confronted again with his divorce, Fav threw his Ex under the bus again.  All I want for After the Final Rose is a rebuttal from his ex wife.  

Just noticed that Fav Garrett has a wrist tattoo.  This will go perfectly with Becca's aggressive below-the-elbow tattoos.  

After an unnecessary amount of crying, Fav Garrett still looks like the Fav.  

Like Blake Arrives

Like Blake made a good impression with Becca's family, but Fleiss and Co. showed Becca sobbing behind the scenes about making this choice.  Things started to get worse when Becca's family told Like Blake he would be fine if he loses.  Like Blake, already a head case, is not in a good place. 

Becca's uncle (cousin?) asked if there was anything he should know about Fav Garrett.  As previously referenced by Dugan, yes, yes there are some things you should be concerned about.  

Back in the studio, Harrison brought on the stars of a new movie, "Crazy Rich Asians."  I'm not comfortable with this movie title.  No jokes.  Fast forward 15 seconds. Nothing appropriate can come from a white guy making comments about this while drinking whiskey.

After the guys left, the family gave their opinions on the guys.  The family appears to be in favor of Like Blake because he's "on her level" and will challenge her in ways that Fav Garrett won't.  This is a nice way of saying Like Blake is smarter than Fav Garrett.  Sadly, picking between these two seems like a choice between Don Jr. and Eric.

Garrett's soul mates

Last Date with Fav

They went on a sailboat and got surrounded by dolphins.  I think I know what their next hand tattoos will be!!!

Dugan: you and me?

Becca took the date on a morbidly romantic turn, stating, "If I were to die, I hope it would be here with you."  We haven't even seen Neil Lane yet.  It's too soon.  

In the evening portion of the date, Fav imagines a life "changing a baby's diaper" with Becca.  No No No.  Fav has the joys of parenting all wrong.  If he said, "I can't wait to discuss the details of when, where, and how often our baby poops," then I would find it more believable, yet still not romantic.  

Mrs. Wags asked me if Becca knows who she is going to pick.  I replied, "Of course not, she's in love with two men equally."  Mrs. Wags then informed me that she also didn't know who she was going to pick the night before we got engaged.  While this came as a surprise, I also had a surprise for Mrs. Wags: her ring is not a genuine Neil Lane.  

Last Date with Like Blake

After some paddle boarding, Like Blake and Becca had a serious chat (as usual).  Becca said she's trying to decide "what's best for you guys."  Like Blake doesn't miss the signals sent by these types of statements.  Neither does Mrs. Wags; "She's not picking this guy."  By the way, Mrs. Wags just started watching this season for the first time about 10 minutes ago.  Yes, she's always in the room when we watch, but usually she's Pinterested in something else.  (Fast forward ten minutes: Mrs. Wags just asked me Becca's name.)

In the evening portion of the date, Like Blake presented her with a time capsule of their time together.     Someone tell this guy that they have been on two dates together.  This is not an impressive gift.  

NEIL LANE TIME

Just went on Amazon to see if there is a Neil Lane autobiography.  Sadly, it doesn't exist, but maybe this is my time to write it!  Be the change you want to see in the world, right?

Neil's time on the Bachelor was quick, but meaningful.  He introduced himself to both guys, "Hi, I'm Neil."  HELL YES YOU'RE NEIL.

And then he was gone.  

Interestingly, Becca's sister had a very Elton John hairstyle. 

The Final Final Rose

Back in the studio, Harrison warns us, "you've never seen anything like this."  We'll see about that. 

Like Blake was first off the boat.  He gave an loving, yet sweaty, speech about his love for Becca.  Becca interrupted and said she's happier with someone else.  Poor Blake, it's a rough way to go out.

Back in the studio, Like Blake was with Harrison and ready to see Becca for the first time since the breakup.  It's now past 10 pm.  I didn't agree to this.  Now I'm starting to sweat like Ted Striker.  

Back in the Maul-deeves, Fav Garrett arrived at the proposal/breakup balcony.  Becca told Fav that she loves him.  Mrs. Wags said their excitement was pretty cute, "like when a toddler stops hitting you in the head with a book and starts giving you hugs."  So, yeah, cute like that, really cute.  

It's 10:30.  I'm done.  It's been quite a season.  The big winner was wrist tattoos.  Until next season...

The Bachelorette Episode 9: Overnights in Thailand

Becca begins the episode admitting she is in love with two men and falling in love with a third. She then breaks down her relationship with the three remaining men:

Fav Garrett

• He received the first impression rose and has been the favorite from start to finish, 
• She is clearly attracted to him but is concerned he won't be willing to commit so soon after his first marriage failed so spectacularly 

Sr. Banker Jason

• He got off to a slow start, but he is closing strong.
• She has no doubts they would be best friends (is Jason in the friend zone?)

Like Blake

• Becca says she's most like herself around Like Blake (good sign!)
• Their relationship is effortless.

Like Blake & Becca visit a Monk

The Monk

Like Blake and Becca visit a sacred temple where they must respect the grounds by not kissing/touching one another. Most couples that are not teenagers could do this with less complaining. However, the trip was not all in vain. Buddhist Monks drop some knowledge on what it takes to make a relationship work:

Honesty  

Ability to Adjust/Adapt

Patience

Giving 

These monks have given better advice on love in five minutes than this show has managed in two decades. But did you get a good view of the monk?

Later that night, Like Blake is like breaking under the pressure. In a tried and true issue, Blake is having trouble with his girlfriend simultaneously dating two other guys. He can’t take that she is dating other guys. Nevertheless, she offers the Fantasy Suite invite since that's like, inevitable, during this episode. Like Blake has Becca's heart and the inside track to one of the final roses.

The Buffalo Banker heads to Bangkok

Ok, so they didn't go to Bangkok, but I needed the B for alliteration. And they are in Thailand. Close enough. Its like Dugan telling people he's from Miami since that's way easier than explaining Fort Lauderdale to someone from Minnesota. Sr. Banker Jason and Becca walk around Thai markets and eat bugs. The banker seems at ease, comfortable, even confidant. 

Then comes the margin call. Becca makes an offhand comment about their future together and it hits her like a ton of bricks. She realizes that she isn't picking Jason. Tim has told us all along this would happen. Jason is who she would end up with in real life, so you don't go on a show to end up with the same guy. 

In a related note, Mrs. Dugan assures me that Sr. Banker’s hair disqualifies him from being the Bachelor/ette. Obviously she didn't read my thoughts on the Barry Melrose-esque hair of Sr. Banker. 

Barry Melrose for next Bachelor!

Dinner is not going well for the Senior Banker. Tim's prediction is coming true and Becca is cutting him without a Fantasy Suite invite. Harsh, but I respect the move, Becca.  Becca admits he’s a great guy and that she usually dates terrible people. Ugh. Gut punch for the banker. 

America, don't feel bad for Sr. Banker Jason. Do you realize his dating prospects in the greater Seattle area are now off the charts? Becca is left between the misogynist and the high school kid. Jason's going to do just fine with all the sympathy ass he can handle. 

Garrett and Becca go Bamboo rafting with all of Thailand

Becca and Garrett begin a relaxing thai bamboo rafting trip. Looks like the advance team for Fleiss & co. didn't find out it was a Thai national holiday and the river was PACKED! It looked cool...almost as cool as Becca and Garrett ending the day drinking Thai 40s. Good for you!

But with Thai beer

Becca and Garrett return to the resort to an outdoor dinner and chat. I imagine Like Blake staring at them from his room balcony in tears. Garrett is saying all the right things. I know he's in sales, but he is saying everything that Becca wants to hear. It's almost like he is being given lines from Rom-Coms and she doesn't realize it.

As Mrs. Dugan and I discuss how much of these lines are being fed by producers, Garrett states the following: “Becca makes me want to be a better man!”

Wait, that’s literally from a movie.

Sr. Banker Jason comes back for one more gut punch. People think he's a glutton for punishment. I think he is just securing the sympathy ass in the greater Seattle area.

All on purpose.

The Anti-Climactic Rose Ceremony ends with two roses for two men. Until next week's finale!

The Bachelorette Episode 8: You Better Be Vulnerable

Last week, Dugan mentioned he flies all around the Bahamas on private aircrafts playing in off-shore craps games.  

In order to feel adequate, I thought I would break out the whiskey I won at auction.  You read that correctly.  I buy my alcohol at auction.  Who needs Bevmo?  For those keeping track at home, I also have ice cream tonight too.  Let's talk about hometowns.

Fav Garrett in Manteca, CA

Though Fav G lives in Reno, he's from Manteca, CA.  It's about 75 miles from me.  I have never been there, but I always wanted to go there as a kid for one reason.

Again, F. Garrett knocked his ex-wife for taking him away from his family.  Though I don't do any outside research for this show, I'll bet her rebuttal to Gar's slander would be compelling.  Mrs. Gov, can you confirm or deny my theory?

At his family home, Fav's mom promised it would be "no holds bar (sic)."  With all that wine they have on the table, it looks like they won't be holding anything back at the bar.

Fav's mom had a chat with Becca.  Still scarred from Fav's divorce, she's understandably skeptical about this process.  I'm surprised any family member goes along with this process.  I'd have the hardest time not telling a family member that they are insane.



Garrett's family seems your pretty average upper-middle-class family.  Garrett kind of seems like he's the Lennie of the family.

Low IQ, beautiful hairline

The date ended with Fav Garrett still in the front runner position.  

Sr. Banker in Buffalo

Good Ol' Sr. Banker: the guy she should choose, but she won't because he's the "could-get-him-in-real-life" contestant.  

Sr. Banker started off the day with a wing-eating contest.  I love this guy!!!!  (But I guarantee she won't.)  

After the eating contest, Sr. Banker took her to the ice skating rink to show off his hockey skills.  This makes sense of his fashion mullet.

At night, they went to see Sr.'s family, but he warned the audience that he has "guarded and protected" his heart.  Do Fleiss and Co. issue these guys a script?  

Sr. Banker's dad also judges dog shows in his spare time.  

I've taken a sponge bath in smaller bowls than that.

Sr. Banker's brother, Ira Glass, was there with his husband.  First ever married gay couple at a hometown date?  I think so.  I loved how average it was.  No big deal.  Nothing you can do about that Kavanaugh!!!

Nice date Sr. Banker, but you have no chance.  

Like Blake in Bailey, CO

Whoa SNOW.  It looks freezing in Colorado.   

First order of business: taking her to his old high school.  It must have been fun to show off his hall of fame plaque, where he bullied all the other kids, and where he achieved his final educational level.  

I thought it was a curious decision to take her to his high school library (where he never went actually went while in high school).

I'm really going to regret it when I find out this guy is actually in medical school.  Nah, there's no aspiring doctors on this show anymore.  We can't even get a dental student these days.  

Think she got her DDS?

At his parents house, Like Blake's parents put aside their differences/divorce to come together for Fleiss and Co.  Unfortunately, it appears Blake's basketball coach (English teacher?) couldn't make it.  

The date ended.  These two seem really into one another.  

QB5 Colton in Parker, CO

Apparently, the adult virgin QB5 lives in a more temperate part of Colorado.  It's sunny and comfortable (and innocent) in QB5's Colorado.  

QB5 described Becca's "natural, motherly feel" as "something you can't learn."  He's starting to sound more and more like a virgin.  

It seems like she's not looking at this guy in the same way anymore.  It would be like Mrs. Wags telling me she's actually a USC fan.  We could never go back. 

QB5's dad, rocking the large cross necklace and braided rope bracelet, looks like he's going for the cool-youth-minister look.  

QB5 says he's in love, but I don't think his expression of love has gotten him into the top 2.  He's an obvious bronze medalist in this one.  

Rose Ceremony

Before the rose ceremony, she met with the "people who know her best," five women from last season's Bachelor.  I feel terrible for her actual friends at home in Minnesota.  

Tia, QB5's ex-girlfriend, pulled Becca aside to be "fully honest."  I was hoping she was going to reveal she had relations with him.  Instead, Tia said she still has feelings for QB5.  So maybe these aren't actually Becca's five best friends?

Before the rose ceremony, QB5 pulled Harrison aside to ask him what the rules of the fantasy suite are.  Do you have to have sex?  No, dummy, Fleiss and Co. don't MAKE YOU HAVE SEX.  

Getting roses and heading to the fantasy suites were:

Like Blake

Sr. Banker Jason (WHAT!?)

Fav Garrett

Goodbye QB5.  Thankfully he doesn't have to feel obligated.  

While the fantasy suites always bring some intrigue to the show, I would love to see a spelling bee between these three.  Sr. Banker would clean up.

The Bachelorette Episode 7: Who Let The Dogs Out!

We begin in Dugan's backyard at the beautiful Baja Mar in Nassau. Often times, these trips seem so tropical and distant. Not so much with the Bahamas which is closer than Orlando to us South Floridians. Let's get down to it. We have six guys left and next week is the Hometowns episode. There are the clear favorites, QB5 Colton and the aptly named Favorite Garrett. We can safely assume they will be obtaining a rose, so it comes down to two roses for four guys: Like Blake, Sr. Banker, Potter Wills, and Leo the Lion. Out of those four, Becca appears to have the greatest connection with Sr. Banker...but we shall see.

Colton's Virginity Episode.

Colton gets one of the three one-on-ones and begins with a catamaran day cruise where they do the required Titanic move at the front of the boat. Colton was born in 1992. Titanic came out in 1997.

5 yr old Colton

Colton and Becca meet up with Bahamian Conch King Action. On a side note, during Frosh O weekend, my roomate from Long Island told me I pronounced "Conch" wrong and that the ending was the same CH sound as in COUCH. I still laugh about it to this day almost 19 years later. FYI, conch is delicious. I have to give QB5 some credit, because it did not look like a shallow free dive to obtain the conch. 

But we are not here to discuss conch. We are here to discuss virginity. Specifically, adult virginity.

This one stars Colton.

Ok, he prioritized football over relationships...yada yada yada...and is a virgin. The best part? Becca's initial reaction. SHE BAILED. Literally, he opened himself up and discussed a very personal secret and she....

Becca. For reals.

She bailed. Hilarious. Ditching him at this vulnerable time makes me thing she really isn't going to pick him. Is that what you would do to your fiance? You know what Fleiss & Co will do? Keep this fucker until overnights. GUARANTEED. Rose secured. I'll count next week's as well.

Favorite Garrett and a Seaplane

Becca and Fav. Garrett take a seaplane around the Bahamas island hopping. Dugan's favorite plane trip to the Bahamas involved a private plane flight in the morning, a few hours of craps, and a return flight that night. Good times. They like each other. We get it. Dinner.

Fav. Garrett takes another opportunity to trash his ex-wife. She was a yeller. A hot-head. The Garrett doth protest too much, methinks.

Nevertheless, Garrett says he's falling in love and secures a rose.

Like Blake and the Baha Men

Like Blake and Becca begin their date dancing with the Baha Men who were a formative part of Tim and Dugan's college experience. Thanks to a superhero named D. McDermo.

Becca drops the QOTN discussing her feelings about Blake: "I feel like I’m glowing from the inside out.”

How hard were the producers laughing when she uttered those words? Do producers have a pot where they reward the cheesiest lines per episode? The date turned serious at dinner where Like Blake discussed his mother's affair with his basketball coach and English teacher in a small town.

You know how Like Blake cut the tension? The season's firm L BOMB! He gets the rose. But before we move on to the group date, can we discuss Blake's shirt? Like Blake, like, what's going on here? 

Leo the Lion, Potter Wills, and a Sr. Banker

You have to put your money with the Banker out of these final three. Thus, this entire date will be about making the Sr. Banker appear on the verge of default, but everyone knows he's getting the final hometown rose. We'll go to the highlights because it's already two days late:

• Potter Wills parents have a long marriage.
• Sr. Banker gets to his highest rate of return, making out.
• Leo the Lion tries to play a very difficult hand on the Bachelor/ette: honesty. He correctly points out that he is not like the other guys. He admits their relationship is not as far along as the others. He admits he isn’t ready to propose next week. Fleiss & Co do not want honesty! BUT I LOVE IT.

• Leo the Lion goes down swinging. Becca is the lion. 
• Oh no. We may lose our Sr. Banker. Damn you, Fleiss & Co. I knew the curveball was coming and I still couldn't hit it. Just when we think the Sr. Banker is Lehman Brothers, Becca turns into Henry Paulson and bails out Sr. Banker AIG.

The Bachelorette Episode 6: A History Lesson

Do you have a favorite beach?  I do.  It's Makena Beach in Maui.  Here's a recommendation: when you aren't at your favorite beach, just turn on all of the YouTube videos of your favorite beach.  That's what I've been doing for the last 1/2 hour.  I think the same concept applies to Neil Lane.  Do you miss him?  I do.  When you're missing Neil Lane, just watch his commercials on repeat.  These two recommendations can improve your life.  What I am about to write, with the power of whiskey and ice cream, cannot.

Neil loves to body surf (like me).

To the show!  The episode began in Richmond, Virginia.  They had to show it on a map (thanks Fleiss and Co.)  According to Becca, it's "different from Vegas."  It's definitely different because I don't know anyone that's ever been to Richmond.   

Super Eagle Lincoln and Stitches Chris got in an early-episode argument about how much they lift, or something along those lines.  I asked Mrs. Wags for an assist.  "What are they arguing about?"  Mrs Wags replied, "What show is this?"  

Solo Date: Sr. Banker Jason

So this dude has no chance of winning.  He's way too normal.  He's this season's guy-she-could-get-in-real-life.  They never win, but they always make it pretty far.  (Spoiler: Becca actually said later in the date that his friends remind her of people from "home.")

The theme of the date was "wandering around Richmond."  This might be helpful because I don't know anything about Richmond.  

They went to a cemetery where "Edgar Allan Poe's mother is buried."  No offense to Mrs. Poe, but this factoid is not causing me to book my next family trip to Richmond.  

Mrs. Poe kind of looks like Becca

Becca surprised the Sr. Banker by flying out a few of his friends to meet them at a bar.  These guys all appeared to be the Jr. Bankers from his firm.

Good to see you Jason

In the evening portion of the date, they both shared tragic stories about losing immediate family members, but all I could focus on was the two olive dirty martini on the table.  That could be the first time I've ever envied a drink featured on the Bachelorette.  

Sr. Banker got the date rose.  Now that Venmo John is gone, this guy may be my favorite (Leo the Lion is #2).

Group Date: QB5 Colton, Favorite Garrett, Potter Wills, Coach Connor, Like Blake, Super Eagle Lincoln, and Stitches Chris

The guys all showed up to the date in suits for their visit to the capitol building of Virginia to learn about "history."  They encountered Washington and Lincoln impersonators.  The impersonators informed the contestants that they were the 1st and 16th Presidents, respectively.  ....And that wrapped up the entire history lesson.  Armed with that history lesson, I may have been able to get a 5 on my AP US History exam.  

The men had a debate on the capitol steps to make speeches in support of their candidacy for Becca's heart.  In a great surprise appearance, Virginia Governor Ralph Northam asked the guys what they would do in Virginia.  Governor Northam must have regretted his appearance when Stitches started accusing the guys, especially Super Eagle, of being fake and body shaming him for weighing 300 pounds as a kid.  

Can you believe these guys?

Stitches keeps saying he's been real, but how are we supposed to believe a bald denier is being "real?"

Becca, upset from her conversation with Stitches, had to cut short her conversation with Favorite Garrett.  Garrett, angry about this asinine situation, complained that he was "ready to open up tonight."   This show is insane.

Potter Wills said he's falling in love with Becca.  This guy has about as much of a chance to win this show as Daniel Radcliffe would.

QB5 got the rose.  

Solo Date: Leo the Lion (YES YES YES YES!)

When the date card arrived, Sr. Banker was the only other guy in the house.  Of course, Fleiss and Co. have made rules dictating that one guy must read the date card to the other guy(s).  I thoroughly enjoyed Sr. Banker reading the date card to Leo the Lion.  Very romantic and very weird.

Becca started the date telling the Lion she is emotionally drained.  Leo the Lion, with the composure of a stuntman, told Becca that he would be there for her in the "real world."  Fleiss and Co. Rule 34.2(b) violation: no acknowledging that there is a world outside this show.  The real world is helicopters and five carat diamonds.  

The Lion told a story about how he feels like he failed his father because he didn't become a professional baseball player.  That must hurt.  I'm glad it worked out for me that my dad always wanted me to become a part-time Bachelor blogger.  

The Lion got the date rose, and then they went to a concert by Morgan Evans.  As usual, never heard of him.  Bring back Richard Marx.

Rose Ceremony

Prior to the rose ceremony, Stitches Chris went to talk to Becca at her hotel room.  He wanted to let Becca know that Super Eagle Lincoln "eats 12 eggs per day.  His cholesterol must be 6000."   While he forgot to mention the egg intake issue, he tried to tell Becca that he sees himself getting engaged.  Stitches' plan backfired and she sent him packing because he's crazy. She also locked her hotel door room right after he walked out (nice editing by Fleiss and Co.).  Becca delivered the QOTN: "He's not the guy I would want to have children with. . . .he's not the guy I want in my life ever."  

Joining Jr. Banker and the Lion with roses:

Favorite Garrett

Like Blake

Potter Wills 

Goodbye Super Eagle Lincoln and Coach Connor.  

Until next week in the Bahamas.

The Bachelorette Episode 5: Love is My Greatest Power

Many thanks to my writing partner, Dugan, for covering for me last week (really funny post, not-so-funny links).  While on family vacation in Hawaii, it did not seem like a good idea to devote two hours of blogging time while watching the show live.  On the other hand, I had my replacement Bachelorette "treats" in mind: a mai tai and shaved ice.  Alas, the Wags family has returned home to foggy San Francisco, and the whiskey and ice cream are ready to go.

Becca's week started off in Las Vegas.  It's a great place to "take a risk" on love and "roll the dice" on finding your life partner because love is a "gamble."  We get it.  The writers need to work a little harder.

Solo Date: QB5 Colton

The date began with a camel ride.  I assume there's some crude joke I could make here, but I have really matured lately (plus I also can't think of a funny crude joke).

Back at the house, Chicken David and Ken Doll Jordan continued their bickering.  KDJ had some pretty tight shorts.  The audience could easily see his...

It didn't take me too long to come up with a crappy joke.

In the evening portion of the date, QB5 and Becca had dinner in an empty restaurant.  Vegas is the perfect place to have dinner at 3 pm and make it look like it's 8:00 p.m.

QB5 said he associates "confusion and pain" with love because a girl broke up with him one time.  Are these people on this show because they are terrible at letting go of past flames or all-too-good at melodramatizing their very common past experiences?

QB5 got the rose.  He's very handsome, yet also seems very simple.  I'm a little worried he has next-bachelor potential.

Group Date: Harry Potter Wills, Favorite Garrett, Like Blake, Venmo John, Coach Connor, Leo the Lion, Super Eagle Lincoln, Sr. Banker Jason, and Stitches Chris

The date started with a stretch Hummer (Mishawaka, IN pride) trip to Wayne Newton's mansion.  And Wayne was there!  Whoa Wayne's FACE!  According to Wikipedia, Wayne is President Trump's brother.

They had to write a song inspired by "Danke Shoen." (I'm not embarrassed to admit I had to look up how to spell shoen.)  Wayne delivered a possible QOTN: "In my opinion, which I respect very much..."

 

Back at the house, Chicken David asked KDJ if he was going to wear the gold undies.  KDJ quipped, "David's head is in my underpants."  I'm going to be sad when Becca gives both of these guys the boot later in the episode.

At night, the guys had to sing their original-ish love songs.

Venmo John is my favorite. What a nerd.  He has zero chance.  Has a dweeby guy ever won this show? (I did some quick research.  No, a nerd has never won the Bachelorette.  And by "nerd," I merely mean a guy that spends more time reading than going to the gym.)

The guys were predictably terrible.  When you spend that much time in the gym and GNC, there is no time to pursue more artistic hobbies such as singing.

Not good for your singing voice, but does wonders when trying to make the JV baseball team.

Stitches says he's "ranked as one of the top frontrunners."  Now that sports gambling is going to be legal everywhere, maybe he knows what the sports books are saying about this season.  

Like Blake said he's falling in love with Becca.  This got him the date rose, but it got a sideways glance from me.  It's episode 5.  I would like to take a moment to remind our reading audience this show is real and is the search for true love.

Double Date: Chicken David and KDJ

Running List of KDJ Quotes
"David can't control my realness."
"Shotty" (when calling shotgun)
"The wind is leaving my sails."
"Your voice is so nasally, no one can stand you."
"Love is the greatest power on Earth." (is this accurate?)
"Being me is my greatest power." (can't argue with that)
"Being you isn't your greatest power." (if the previous quote is true, this quote doesn't logically follow)
"You lack your own personality."
"You're worse than Arie." (the ultimate insult?)
"[Settling] is the most hurtful thing you can say about a woman." (I could think of some other things.)
"Why did the chicken cross the road? To get buried in the desert." (
"What I like to do in my spare time? Obviously, the gym is a big deal." (Obviously)
"Zoolander is extremely accurate." (It won the 2004 Academy Award for documentary feature.)
"I've got a million different things I could do with my face."
"I could probably move every part of my face." (I think I can too.)
"I wish we could get my portfolio out." (I kind of do too.)
"Tomorrow I'll wake up alone just like I always do." (I'm almost sad for him, but see the previous 16 quotes.)

The date consisted of sitting on a bed in the Nevada desert.  Thanks a million, Fleiss and Co.

Harrison is in the C-3PO outfit.  

Right away, Chicken started dishing on KDJ being a womanizer and interested in dating models and would settle for Becca.

KDJ defended himself by noting his mom has multiple mental illnesses.  Uh oh, this got a little too real.

After a "sixth grade" fight between KDJ and Chicken, Becca opted to Chick-filet and sent Chicken packing.  She wasn't ready to give the date rose to KDJ, so he got to continue onto the evening portion of the date without Chicken.

After talking about himself for the entire date, Becca denied a shocked KDJ the rose.

Rose Ceremony

Becca confronted Stitches Chris about being a baby and threatening to leave.  He later started arguing  with many of the guys over time spent with Becca.  He was very "fustrated" and found it all very "fustrating."  Gym > reading.

Joining QB5 and Like Blake with roses were:

Favorite Garrett
Sr. Banker Jason
Potter Wills (I kind of want to rename him Wills and Trusts)
Super Eagle Lincoln
Leo the Lion (Yesssss!)
Coach Connor
Stitches Chris

Right when I was falling in love with Venmo John, he gets sent home.  Goodbye to the nice guy that's probably richer than all these guys combined.

Until next week in Richmond, Virginia.  Huh?

The Bachelorette Episode 4: Captain Underpants, Lumberjacks and a Jean Blanc Noir farewell

Sorry to disappoint those looking forward to a whiskey and ice cream aided recap, but Dugan is going to pick up episode 4 where 3 left off.

Week 3's rose ceremony highlights

• Becca and Like Blake are having a discussion regarding how many kids they would like to have. While I generally agree this is a good conversation for couples to discuss, I recommend having one or two before claiming you want five or more kids. 

Nope.

• Ken Doll Jordan ("KDJ") is convinced God made Chicken David fall and bust his face for daring to challenge KDJ. KDJ has mental problems.
• Chicken David unveils his new look.

"Really, it's fine" - Becca. Maybe.

• On a night short on memorable quotes, KDJ received a pair of golden underwear and delivered this gem: “All I know is that I’m Captain Underpants and that’s all I got. That’s all I got.”
• Chicken David has the injury sympathy rose along with QB5 Colton and Stitches Chris.
• Who will be joining them?

Senior Banker Jason
Wills
Slick Nick wearing an unexplained track suit.
Globetrotter Christon
Super Eagle Lincoln
Like Blake
Favorite Garrett
Lio the Lion
Venmo John
Coach Connor
KDJ
Jean Blanc Noir

Goodbye to Domer Mike and Banjo Ryan who achieved optimal Bachelor/ette contestant status. They got to survive the ignominy of a first night cut but failed to stay on the show long enough to make really poor alcohol fueled decisions.

Park City One-on-One with Favorite Garrett

Sitting with Mrs. Dugan, I wonder where the drama is going to come from this season because it looks like Favorite Garrett already has this in the bag. Then, Mrs. Dugan informed me of some chinks in the Favorite Garrett armor (see link). What date do you bring up your extreme political views? Speaking of unqualified men, Super Eagle Lincoln is back at the house sharing his flat earth conspiracies. It gets worse. Super Eagle Lincoln recently plead guilty to assault and battery and may have to register as a sex offender. How dare you besmirch the good Nigerian name. You are no Super Eagle! Is there any background check done on these guys?

While Becca is clearly smitten, she found her own concern when discussing past relationships with Garrett. He was married and divorced within two months. This was difficult for Garrett because "no one in my entire bloodline had ever been divorced before.”

Bloodline? Who speaks like that?

Run, Becca, Run!

Lucky 13 and the Lumberjack Date

Everyone not named Garrett and Wills joins Becca in the Utah wilderness including KDJ, Lio the Lion, Coach Connor, Globetrotting Christon, Like Jason, Chicken David, QB5, Jean Blanc Noir, Venmo John and others…

There's a reason Venmo John gets listed last in a Lumberjack competition. Au contraire, friends, Venmo John kicked ass and earned the Golden Axe. Jean Blanc Noir, Stitches Chris and formerly Super Eagle Lincoln failed to show their lumberjack largess.

By the way, axe throwing is a thing now? Dugan will be reserving space soon.

Lumberjack After Party Highlights

• Senior Banker Jason and Becca enjoy kissing one another. Good for those kids.
• QB5 Colton likes dating famous people. 
• KDJ rocks the golden underwear and pisses off the guys. 
• But the night belonged to Jean Blanc Noir

Jean Blanc Noir and the Fragile Male Ego

Jean Blanc realized he was falling behind the other guys.  Jean went to the Jean Blanc Nori well and provided a gift of perfume to Becca. Then he forced a kiss which resulted in this awesome reaction from Becca: “Jean is a lot.” Yes he is. Jean didn't feel the reciprocal love from Becca and went at her again. Becca was not feeling it and shut him down. Jean Blanc spit game. Becca shut him down. It happens. It could have been left at that. But the fragile male ego must be propped up. Jean Blanc retracted his feelings out of a mix of shame/embarrassment/hurt feelings.

Thank you, Becca.

Wills and the Jean Blanc Aftermath Date

Becca is reading too much into Jean Blanc's over-sensitivity and Wills has to navigate this carefully. Luckily, Fleiss & Co. didn't force Wills to get injured to receive a sympathy rose. No, they allowed him to talk about emotional vulnerability to secure the empathy rose. Will's ex wanted a Hall Pass that wasn't given so took it anyway.

Wills categorizes this as a Documentary

One Episode. Two Rose Ceremonies. I feel so lucky.

Joining Fav Garrett and Wills in Vegas will be...

Lio the Lion
QB5 Colton
Like Blake
Senior Banker Jason
Coach Connor
Lincoln
Venmo John
Stitches Chris
Chicken David
Ken Doll Jordan

Goodbye Globetrotting Christon and Slick Nick.

The Bachelorette Episode 3: Cheers to you being a Bitch!

Friends, it's a Yoga Monday here in the Sunshine State. While much less fun than Whiskey and Ice Cream Monday, Ken Doll Jordan's quotes alone will get us through the night. We begin the episode in the kitchen where the tension between Ken Doll Jordan and Chicken David simmers. Of note, did you see the amount of eggs Chicken David was making? That had to be a minimum 6 egg omelette.

Group Date #1 and the Manufactured Drama Date

Chris Harrison knows his blogging audience and dropped a “Time is of the Essence” reference when announcing the group of men that will get to pamper Becca and other girls from Ari's season:  Expelliarmus Wills, Senior Banker Jason, Ken Doll Jordan, Chicken David, Jean Noir Blanc, and QB5 Colton.

Colton has to defend his past relationship with Tia. Becca's hangup appears to be that Colton may have wanted Tia to be the Bachelorette. While I genuinely like Becca, I have a hard time with this level of ego. Does Becca believe that every guy on this season only had eyes for Becca? That seems like a longshot and a poor reason to sack QB5.

Confession time. Dugan doesn't know what "Expelliarmus" means and has never been to a spa unless you count 215 Sorin. 

Let's get to the highlights and the start of Ken Doll's Quote Machine Night.

• Becca forgot Senior Banker Jason's name. Imagine if he was only a junior banker. This must happen often. Fleiss and Co. rarely show the Bachelor/ette making such a mistake. It's always gold. 

• Becca knows Ken Doll Jordan would be at ease: “You are in your element” KDJ: “I’m always in my element.” WHAT?!?
• Becca makes up with Jayson by making out with Jayson. Good deal for the senior banker.
• The guys discuss their Tinder profiles and Chicken David shares Ken Doll's match prowess with Becca. No spa. No tinder. Somehow I feel like I am doing just fine.
• KDJ does not approve Chicken David sharing his Tinder prowess with Becca and unloads a barrage of quotes.
• "Hey, cheers to you being a bitch"
• “That’s a bitch move. You’re a bitch.” (But let’s be honest, KDJ said “Your a bitch” in his head.)
• “Attached to me is professionality. Attached to me is my face….If you are trying to wreck my image, you will never succeed. You know why? Because my image is me!”

• Senior Banker sums it up: “THAT WAS FUCKING AWESOME”
• QB5 survived the faux drama and gets the rose.

Chris Stitches gets Musical

Stitches begins the date with an interesting wardrobe choice, the jean sweatshirt hoodie combo. Then they bring out a musical act that no one's ever heard of...

That's motherfucking Richard Marx! Do you know what you will find out when you google Richard Marx? He's married to Daisy Fuentes. I always laugh when I hear Daisy Fuentes because she was the first nude celebrity image I saw on the internet. Thank you, early AOL chat rooms.

I'm sorry, but ABC has interrupted the Bachelorette because President Trump and Dennis Rodman are trying to prevent nuclear Armageddon in North Korea. Shut it down, ladies and gentlemen. 

Stitches has a weird hairline? Is he a bald denier? Those cheesy lyrics, messed up hair and jean jacket hoody? Stitches is from Orlando. He could be an ex-boy band member.  Oh man, now I found out that Stitches cheesy lyrics are due to his abandonment issues. Stitches reached out to his dad and never got a response. Ouch. 

Stitches goes to the emotional vulnerability well and secures the rose.

Football Group Date with TE2 Clay, Leo the Lion, Globetrotting Christon, Banjo Ryan, Venmo John, Favorite Garrett, Domer Mike, Super Eagle Lincoln, Coach Connor, and Like Blake

Side note. This may have happened when George Stephonopolous was talking about the end of the world, but Chicken Suit David fell out of his bed and busted his face. Ambulance #1 on the night. 

It's getting late and we need to wrap this nonsense up:

• TE2 Clay has a little Carlos Boozer in his look..
• I am genuinely concerned for Venmo John and Domer Mike in this game of tackle football.
• Surprisingly, Domer Mike grabs the early TD in the back corner of the end zone, ala Dwight Clark (RIP!)
• Favorite Garrett is a baller.
• Christon and TE2 Boozer (the professional athletes) were beasts.
• Clay Boozer gets the sympathy rose for an injury on the last play.

I know earlier I said that I liked Becca, but Mrs. Dugan and I think she needs a new stylist. While I spent this episode hoping to hear Like Blake say "Like" a ton, take a look at some of Becca's clothing choices next week. Until next week when whiskey and ice cream returns.

The Bachelorette Episode 2: Tick Tock, Let's Make It Rock

Well Dugan, our six loyal readers demanded the blog return after our Ari hiatus, and we gave the people what they wanted.  I, for one, was thrilled to read your recap last week.  This week, I'm thrilled to return to my traditional Bachelorette whiskey and ice cream.  I haven't had any whiskey or ice cream since we blogged Rachel's season (at least I haven't written about whiskey and ice cream since then).  Let's start the show and the junk food.

Thanks Costco. (I never said I drink fancy whiskey.)

Harrison started off the episode by admitting he didn't recognize one of the guys.  Of course, it was the guy in the chicken suit.  Harrison, I've missed you the most.  

Group Date #1: Clay, Slick Nick, Chris Gets Stitches, Chicken Suit David, Jean Blanc Noir, Ken Doll Jordan, Coach Connor, and Super Eagle Lincoln

While arriving at a ranch, the Ken Doll Jordan reminded us he's a male model.  "It defines me."  May I never have a job that defines.  May this Bachelor/ette blog always define me. 

The wardrobe for the men appears to have been provided by Banana Republic.  

All grays.

If the men didn't all look the same (gray clothing and 'roids), the guys had to all wear tuxedos.

Former Bachelorette Rachel and her fiancé Bryan NipTuck (still in love...see...this is the search for true love), explained an obstacle course for the guys while wearing tuxes.  

NFL Clay had no problem with the ice bath portion of the course.  Super Eagle Lincoln was in the lead for most of the course, which caused me to google what his Dugan-granted nickname meant.  WELL DONE DUGAN.  

Super Eagle won the race and got a picture with Becca (I had to note this fact because the previews have foreshadowed the importance of this photo at least three times in the first 20 minutes of the show . . . let's just say there isn't much subtlety on this show.)

Confession: I had to ask Mrs. Wags how to spell "subtlety" and I'm still not sure I spelled it correctly. Was this word the final word in the spelling bee today?  It should have been.

Super Eagle Lincoln got the aforementioned framed photo and a kiss from Becca.  He described kissing Becca like, "flying to the moon on the wings of a pegasus while dancing with unicorns and pooping out a pot of gold."  Mrs. Wags said she heard the pooping part of the quote.  I was too busy trying to remember what a pegasus is to go back and double check for accuracy. 

Chicken Suit David said Becca will challenge him intellectually.  You're on the wrong show buddy.

Coach Connor, frustrated with having to look at the framed photo of Super Eagle and Becca, tossed the photo in the romantically-lit pool.  Super Eagle was very pouty because he wanted to "show the picture to his mom."  Becca mediated the situation between the two juveniles, taking Super Eagle's side.  

Jean Blanc Noir Cool Water got a kiss and a the date rose.  That smells nice!!!

1-on-1 Date: Like Blake

This was Becca's first ride in a limo since she "got engaged."  She also keeps referring to Ari as her "ex-boyfriend."  I have to hand it to her, she is really good at pretending this show is real.

Harrison handed sledge hammers to Becca and Like Blake so they could destroy televisions showing videos of Ari's proposal, champagne bottles, a car, a couch, and candy hearts.  All of this while Lil John turned down for what and DJed the event.  Becca literally destroyed her past.  Again, the Bachelorette doesn't specialize in subtlety (thanks for the assist, autocorrect....I still can't spell it).  

Like Blake keeps saying "like."  I'm about ready to fast forward through this dum dum's date.  "Like she's an amazing woman."  

Sadly, Like Blake like got a rose.  Becca even said, "like, will you accept this rose?"  It's like contagious.  

Group Date #2: Favorite Garrett, Venmo John, Rickie, Banjo Ryan, Alex, Globetrotter Chris, Trent, Leo the Lion, Wills, and QB5 Colton

Leo Leo Leo!  Can every date include this guy please?  

The date started with a dodgeball training session led by some little child actors.   They fired dodgeballs from a pitching machine.  

In their practice session, Globetrotter Chris nailed Becca with practice balls a couple times.  Just like the way we used to play bookstore basketball games in college: don't take it easy on female competition.  (Semi-related sidetone: Dugan and I co-coached the Pasquerilla West Women's Intramural basketball team.  We were great.  Dugan was on the refs like Draymond, and I was calm and often injured like Steve Kerr.)

Leo the Lion provided my QOTN: "What these guys don't understand is that winning doesn't come from bicep curls or tricep extensions, it comes from your heart."  Almost brought I tear to my eye.  Mrs. Wags thinks the Lion might have appropriated this quote from Coach Taylor on Friday Night Lights.  

As I was busy looking up Harry Potter spell names to find a good nickname for Wills/willis/will/whatever, QB5 Colton admitted to having a relationship with Tia from Ari's season of the Bachelor.  Since we didn't watch last season, this doesn't affect me.  Becca, on the other hand, seemed deeply hurt by his admission.

Becca fought through tears to give Expelliarmus Wills the date rose.

Rose Ceremony 

Ken Doll Jordan, wearing only boxer briefs, told Becca he didn't want her to think of him as being "007 all the time."  Ken Doll, continuing his tryout for Bachelor in Paradise, said he's not just "some guy with hair."

Later, the Chicken Suit David said Ken Doll was being disrespectful by wearing boxer briefs to a cocktail party.  Oh, the irony from the chicken suit guy.

Joining Jean Blanc Noir, Like Blake, and Expelliarmus Wills with roses:

Chris Gets Stitches
Jason He's a Senior Banker
Venmo John (I think I rode BART with this guy today...oh wait, every guy is Venmo John in the Bay.)
TE2 Clay
Man Bun Mike
Coach Connor
Leo the Lion 
Chicken Suit David
Favorite Garrett
Slick Nick
Banjo Ryan
Globetrotter Chris
Ken Doll Jordan
Super Eagle Lincoln
QB5 Colton

Goodbye Rickie, Alex, and Trent.  We never even had enough time to give you guys nicknames.

Until next week, when Dugan returns to blog the bloodbath. 

The Bachelorette Episode 1: Let's Do the Damn Thing

Guess who's back, back again
Wags and Dugan are back, tell a friend
Guess who's back, guess who's back?
Guess who's back, guess who's back?
Guess who's back, guess who's back?
Guess who's back?

Well, those lyrics got a little repetitive but that works for the Bachelor/ette. After taking a break during Arie's season, we've decided to jump back in with Becca's search for love. Bachelorette favorites, JoJo, Rachel and Kaitlyn, came back and gave Becca advice about her new role as the rose bestower. America last saw Becca when Arie pulled a Mesnickesque switcharoo and left her heartbroken. Fleiss & co. have rounded up the following men to change her mood:

• Clay - a biracial ex-football player who's bio really plays up the bi-racial: “Clay loves hip-hop and country music.” We get it.
• Garrett - Reno outdoorsmen
• Jordan, aka Ken Doll, is a Crystal River, Florida model. Crystal River would make South Bend, Indiana look like Paris so I don't know what Ken Doll is modeling there.
• Super Eagle Lincoln is a Nigerian in LA.

Oh, He's an alien, He's a legal alien
He's a Nigerian on the Bachelorette
Oh, He's an alien, He's a legal alien
He's a Nigerian on the Bachelorette

You come for the Eminem gifs, but stay for the obscure Sting references...

• Chicago Grocer Joe could be a fan favorite and go far.
• Jean Blanc, aka Jean Noir, is a Haitian into ties, watches, colognes and gives an initial frontrunner for Quote of the Night (hereinafter "QOTN"): "Cologne is an extension of your soul."
• Colton, aka QB5, is a former NFL journeyman who may be a virgin and has turned his life focus into a charity for Cystic Fibrosis
• Grant is an electrician which is an odd job compared to the usual group of trainers and salesmen
• Connor is a fitness coach from Florida. Now that's a Bachelor/ette career.
• John, aka Venmo John, is a software engineer from San Fran who developed the App for Venmo.
• Leo, aka Leo the Lion, is a never bald stuntman. 
• Rickey is an IT Consultant.
• Alex is a Construction Manager.
• Nick is battling Ken Doll for least likable. He's also an attorney from Florida. 
• Mike is a sports analyst.  
• Garrett pulled up in a minivan and is medical sales rep and early frontrunner.
• Blake is a sales rep who wore a terrible mauve jacket. 
• Chase, aka CSI Miami because he looks like every villain on CSI Miami ever, gets busted for not being there for the right reasons on night 1!!! That's incredible. 
• Darius is a Drug Sales Rep
• Ryan is a Banjoist
• Christon, aka Globetrotter, dunked on Becca by jumping over her. I could not do that.
• Willis admits he's a closet nerd and has the Harry Potter tattoos to prove it.
• Jason is a senior corporate banker from Seattle. Not to be confused with the junior corporate bankers from Seattle.
• Kamil came out of the limo and his title said "Social Media..." I assumed "Social Media Influencer" because sadly, that's a thing, and I was also watching Wags' Warriors make their 4th straight trip to the finals. I root for an NBA team that recently made 4 straight finals. It was fun. I miss that time.
• Jake, aka Hometown Honey, is a marketing consultant from Minnesota.
• Trent is a realtor from Naples who showed up in a hearse.
• Christian is a San Diego Banker
• David  is a venture capitalist in a chicken suit.
• Chris, aka Choir Chris or Chris the Snitch, is a sales trainer from Orlando who brought a Choir.

The men (?) inside explain what they like about Becca: She's the "ultimate ultimate girl next door." They had me at the second ultimate.

Becca joins the party and here are my highlights:

• Conner pulls the tried and true Bachelorette move with the quick pull of Bachelorette Becca to the chagrin of the room. He then shows off his party trick with the sword to the Champagne. I have so many questions. Do people really do that? Did he bring his own sword? How many bottles do you break practicing the trick? How many times do you take a sword to the bottle in private before making taking this trick public? Will Dugan ever attempt this? Will it be at a tailgate?
• Venmo casually lets it slip that he developed the Venmo app. 
• Globetrotter Christon dunked on Becca. Shouldn't he have dunked on another guy instead? 
• Ken Doll had no patience for the chicken: “you almost got feathers in my coffee!”
• Garrett is trying to make this midwest (is Minnesota midwest?) girl feel at her feel at home with some fly fishing practice. 
• Choir Chris pulled an episode 5 move during the premiere. Choir Chris knows CSI Miami's ex and has already found out CSI Miami is not here for the right reasons. DAYUM that was fast!
• Becca has bigger fish to fry than the Florida Tweedledee and Tweedledum bros.
• Becca narrows her focus to Hometown Honey Jake who doesn't have the best memory of meeting Becca multiple times. No worries because Jake's exit brought out the QOTN! “Ask anyone that knows me. I’m one of the most romantic fucking people you ever met.”

Rose Time
Garrett gets the first impression rose and joining him in safety include:

Super Eagle Lincoln

Blake

Rickie
Jean Noir

Globetrotter Christon

Clay

Willis

Coach Connor

Jason (he's a senior banker!)

Venmo John

Banjo Ryan

Alex

Slick Nick

Trent

Colton

Leo the Lion was not impressed with his buttoned up competition: “[i'm] looking out at a sea of highway patrol officers…” GET ME LEO ON THIS SHOW.

Chicken Suit David

Ken Doll Jordan

Leo the Lion, YES!

Man Bun Mike (Notre Dame alum)

Good luck, Mike.

And finally, Chris the Snitch.

Goodbye to the following men who are better off for leaving when they did.

Kamil, the social media...participant. What? Aren't we all?!?!

Electrician Grant. 
Grocer Joe 
CSI Miami Chase.

The season is set. We have our villain. We have our good guys. We have a likable Bachelorette. 

I'm the villain if you didn't guess.