The Bachelor Episode 1: Wetter and Virginous

Ok, off to a rocky start. Don't worry friends, the most suboptimal blog on the Bachelor is back! Even though you likely didn't miss us, we'll labor on for you and look forward to dive into another season featuring former NFL player Colton. While the Dugan family managed to see Mary Poppins, Grinch and Ralph Breaks the Internet over the recent holiday break, we didn't squeeze in Aquaman. Pretty sure I saw enough of Wet Colton during last night's premier to make up for it.

Colton’s a wet Virgin. We get it, ABC. This virginity hook will get very old, very soon. I've always thought this show was an allegory on life and getting very old, very soon about sums up life so far. I must admit I didn't have 3 hours of Bachelor watching in me last night and fast forwarded through the live remotes around the country. Bachelor alums all over the nation prove how good Chris Harrison is at this job. HOLD THE PHONE! NEIL LANE IS IN THE HOUSE!!!

Why we watch

We get introduced to some of the girls. Cassie is a speech pathologist who's in grad school. Hannah Alabama is Miss Alabama who describes herself as the "hot mess express." Ok, I'm listening. Katie is a dancer, Heather, aka Sixpence None the Richer, is 22 and has never been kissed. Like, even by her parents? Never? Or are we just limiting this to romantic kisses. I need to know whether I should be laughing or crying, ABC!

Onyekachukwe Ehie, aka the Nigerian Nightmare, is a 24 yr old IT Risk Consultant. Miami represents with Nicole, aka Camila Cabello, a 25 year old social media consultant. Kirpa is a Dental Hygienist from Whittier, California. 

We meet Demi in Texas, but all I want to know about is her mom. Dad is with stepmom but plenty of people get divorced. We find out that Demi's mom is in federal prison. Get out your PACER accounts, friends! We need details.

Some Virgin Talk

It's been seconds since it was last brought up, so Chris and Colton decide to discuss his virginity. He also talks about the issue with Erica McNut. Colton contradicts himself repeatedly.

At times, he explains it "just happened" because he was a fat, awkward kid growing up. Other times he claims it was a "conscious decision." Did it "just happen" or was it a "conscious decision"? Actually, I do feel like there is some truth in there. It kind of just happened and then he was a virgin in life later than most and it became a more significant thing to him that he wanted to keep for the right time and place.

"It's a conscious decision"

Colton knows it's going to be an issue. He's worried about his inexperience and whether the girls will think he's "not romantic." Chris Harrison, however, comes in from the TOP ROPE! He tells Colton he has to worry whether the girls think "he's not a man!"

Almost there, coach Gundy.

Let's meet the girls

• Texas Demi comes out strong, “I have not dated a virgin since I was 12…”
• Tayshia is a Cally Phlebotomist
• Heather, aka Sixpence, is another Cally girl, 22
• Nicole, Dugan's Miami favorite drops some great quotes later, aka Camilla Cabello
• Caelynn, is 23 and Miss North Carolina
• Sydney, is a Knicks Dancer 
• Elyse, 31, is a make up artist from AK. Is that Alaska or Arkansas? It's not like anyone ever mails those two places so why would you know?
• Tahzjuan, aka Tarzan, is a 25 business development associate from Colorado
• Teacher Cassie is 23
• Kirza the Dental Hygienist from Whittier, CA
• Caitlin is another Canada funny girl, 25 realtor 
• Courtney is our Ga Peach
• Katie, 26 is the dancing medical sales rep
• A sloth showed up. 
• Nigerian Nightmare
• McNut
• Hannah Alabama
• Tracy shows up in a police car as the Fashion Police, 31. I wouldn't care but Camila Cabello responded with a great quote: “Thank god for the fashion police because I've never seen so many sequins in my life” followed by “If another pageant girl comes, I’m out.” Camila is my girl.
• Angelique - Jersey girl
• Devin, Broadcast Journalist 23
• Revian, Nurse, 24
• Nina, 30, Croatian girl
• Alex, aka Paw Patrol is a 29 yr old dog rescuer
• Bri, aka Outback, is a 24 year old model and fake Australian. Get it.
• Laura, 26, Dallas accountant
• Hannah G is a 23 year old content creator from Birmingham, Alabama. She is not to be confused with Hannah B, a 23 year old from Tuscaloosa, Alabama. Are you kidding me Fless & Co?
• Annie, finally, a New Yorker is 23 and...went to the University of Alabama. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
• Jane is a 26 social worker
• Catherine, aka Brightline (more on that later) is a 26 DJ from Fort Lauderdale. I didn't read many bios but Brightline peeked my interest. Of note? She doesn't have any tattoos because "you don't put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari." Her favorite author is Dr. Seuss.
• Cinderella, aka Erin, is 28, Plano TX

PARTY TIME.

Quick recap time!

• The girls like Colton
• Demi is going to cause a lot of drama this season and begins by grabbing him first. 
• Miss North Cackalacka gets the first kiss
• Brightline is Fort Lauderdale's own Catherine. If you don't know, Brightline is our recent trainwreck of a public transit system. Recently introduced, it's killed more people than Florida's most famous serial killer, Ted Bundy. 
• One of the Hannah Alabamas got the first impression rose.
• Clemson keeps scoring.

Rose Ceremony

Miss North Cackalacka

Dancer Katie

Paw Patrol, aka Alex B

Hannah Alabama

Nigerian Nightmare, aka Onyeka

Caitlin

Annie

Kirza

Sixpence, aka Heather

AK Elyse 

Tayshia

Courtney

Teacher Cassie

Demi (THIS GIRL NEEDS A NICKNAME! HIVE MIND UNITE!)

Somebody?

McNut

Knicks Dancer Cindy

Outback, aka Bri

Angelique

Tracy

Camila Cabella, aka Nicole

Brightline, aka Catherine

Friends, remember the little things when you are watching. This show is high comedy. Fleiss & Co. setting up Devin's exit interview while the rose recipients "cheers" each other in the background.

Bravo!

The Bachelorette Episode 7: Who Let The Dogs Out!

We begin in Dugan's backyard at the beautiful Baja Mar in Nassau. Often times, these trips seem so tropical and distant. Not so much with the Bahamas which is closer than Orlando to us South Floridians. Let's get down to it. We have six guys left and next week is the Hometowns episode. There are the clear favorites, QB5 Colton and the aptly named Favorite Garrett. We can safely assume they will be obtaining a rose, so it comes down to two roses for four guys: Like Blake, Sr. Banker, Potter Wills, and Leo the Lion. Out of those four, Becca appears to have the greatest connection with Sr. Banker...but we shall see.

Colton's Virginity Episode.

Colton gets one of the three one-on-ones and begins with a catamaran day cruise where they do the required Titanic move at the front of the boat. Colton was born in 1992. Titanic came out in 1997.

5 yr old Colton

Colton and Becca meet up with Bahamian Conch King Action. On a side note, during Frosh O weekend, my roomate from Long Island told me I pronounced "Conch" wrong and that the ending was the same CH sound as in COUCH. I still laugh about it to this day almost 19 years later. FYI, conch is delicious. I have to give QB5 some credit, because it did not look like a shallow free dive to obtain the conch. 

But we are not here to discuss conch. We are here to discuss virginity. Specifically, adult virginity.

This one stars Colton.

Ok, he prioritized football over relationships...yada yada yada...and is a virgin. The best part? Becca's initial reaction. SHE BAILED. Literally, he opened himself up and discussed a very personal secret and she....

Becca. For reals.

She bailed. Hilarious. Ditching him at this vulnerable time makes me thing she really isn't going to pick him. Is that what you would do to your fiance? You know what Fleiss & Co will do? Keep this fucker until overnights. GUARANTEED. Rose secured. I'll count next week's as well.

Favorite Garrett and a Seaplane

Becca and Fav. Garrett take a seaplane around the Bahamas island hopping. Dugan's favorite plane trip to the Bahamas involved a private plane flight in the morning, a few hours of craps, and a return flight that night. Good times. They like each other. We get it. Dinner.

Fav. Garrett takes another opportunity to trash his ex-wife. She was a yeller. A hot-head. The Garrett doth protest too much, methinks.

Nevertheless, Garrett says he's falling in love and secures a rose.

Like Blake and the Baha Men

Like Blake and Becca begin their date dancing with the Baha Men who were a formative part of Tim and Dugan's college experience. Thanks to a superhero named D. McDermo.

Becca drops the QOTN discussing her feelings about Blake: "I feel like I’m glowing from the inside out.”

How hard were the producers laughing when she uttered those words? Do producers have a pot where they reward the cheesiest lines per episode? The date turned serious at dinner where Like Blake discussed his mother's affair with his basketball coach and English teacher in a small town.

You know how Like Blake cut the tension? The season's firm L BOMB! He gets the rose. But before we move on to the group date, can we discuss Blake's shirt? Like Blake, like, what's going on here? 

Leo the Lion, Potter Wills, and a Sr. Banker

You have to put your money with the Banker out of these final three. Thus, this entire date will be about making the Sr. Banker appear on the verge of default, but everyone knows he's getting the final hometown rose. We'll go to the highlights because it's already two days late:

• Potter Wills parents have a long marriage.
• Sr. Banker gets to his highest rate of return, making out.
• Leo the Lion tries to play a very difficult hand on the Bachelor/ette: honesty. He correctly points out that he is not like the other guys. He admits their relationship is not as far along as the others. He admits he isn’t ready to propose next week. Fleiss & Co do not want honesty! BUT I LOVE IT.

• Leo the Lion goes down swinging. Becca is the lion. 
• Oh no. We may lose our Sr. Banker. Damn you, Fleiss & Co. I knew the curveball was coming and I still couldn't hit it. Just when we think the Sr. Banker is Lehman Brothers, Becca turns into Henry Paulson and bails out Sr. Banker AIG.