The Bachelorette Episode 7: Who Let The Dogs Out!

We begin in Dugan's backyard at the beautiful Baja Mar in Nassau. Often times, these trips seem so tropical and distant. Not so much with the Bahamas which is closer than Orlando to us South Floridians. Let's get down to it. We have six guys left and next week is the Hometowns episode. There are the clear favorites, QB5 Colton and the aptly named Favorite Garrett. We can safely assume they will be obtaining a rose, so it comes down to two roses for four guys: Like Blake, Sr. Banker, Potter Wills, and Leo the Lion. Out of those four, Becca appears to have the greatest connection with Sr. Banker...but we shall see.

Colton's Virginity Episode.

Colton gets one of the three one-on-ones and begins with a catamaran day cruise where they do the required Titanic move at the front of the boat. Colton was born in 1992. Titanic came out in 1997.

5 yr old Colton

Colton and Becca meet up with Bahamian Conch King Action. On a side note, during Frosh O weekend, my roomate from Long Island told me I pronounced "Conch" wrong and that the ending was the same CH sound as in COUCH. I still laugh about it to this day almost 19 years later. FYI, conch is delicious. I have to give QB5 some credit, because it did not look like a shallow free dive to obtain the conch. 

But we are not here to discuss conch. We are here to discuss virginity. Specifically, adult virginity.

This one stars Colton.

Ok, he prioritized football over relationships...yada yada yada...and is a virgin. The best part? Becca's initial reaction. SHE BAILED. Literally, he opened himself up and discussed a very personal secret and she....

Becca. For reals.

She bailed. Hilarious. Ditching him at this vulnerable time makes me thing she really isn't going to pick him. Is that what you would do to your fiance? You know what Fleiss & Co will do? Keep this fucker until overnights. GUARANTEED. Rose secured. I'll count next week's as well.

Favorite Garrett and a Seaplane

Becca and Fav. Garrett take a seaplane around the Bahamas island hopping. Dugan's favorite plane trip to the Bahamas involved a private plane flight in the morning, a few hours of craps, and a return flight that night. Good times. They like each other. We get it. Dinner.

Fav. Garrett takes another opportunity to trash his ex-wife. She was a yeller. A hot-head. The Garrett doth protest too much, methinks.

Nevertheless, Garrett says he's falling in love and secures a rose.

Like Blake and the Baha Men

Like Blake and Becca begin their date dancing with the Baha Men who were a formative part of Tim and Dugan's college experience. Thanks to a superhero named D. McDermo.

Becca drops the QOTN discussing her feelings about Blake: "I feel like I’m glowing from the inside out.”

How hard were the producers laughing when she uttered those words? Do producers have a pot where they reward the cheesiest lines per episode? The date turned serious at dinner where Like Blake discussed his mother's affair with his basketball coach and English teacher in a small town.

You know how Like Blake cut the tension? The season's firm L BOMB! He gets the rose. But before we move on to the group date, can we discuss Blake's shirt? Like Blake, like, what's going on here? 

Leo the Lion, Potter Wills, and a Sr. Banker

You have to put your money with the Banker out of these final three. Thus, this entire date will be about making the Sr. Banker appear on the verge of default, but everyone knows he's getting the final hometown rose. We'll go to the highlights because it's already two days late:

• Potter Wills parents have a long marriage.
• Sr. Banker gets to his highest rate of return, making out.
• Leo the Lion tries to play a very difficult hand on the Bachelor/ette: honesty. He correctly points out that he is not like the other guys. He admits their relationship is not as far along as the others. He admits he isn’t ready to propose next week. Fleiss & Co do not want honesty! BUT I LOVE IT.

• Leo the Lion goes down swinging. Becca is the lion. 
• Oh no. We may lose our Sr. Banker. Damn you, Fleiss & Co. I knew the curveball was coming and I still couldn't hit it. Just when we think the Sr. Banker is Lehman Brothers, Becca turns into Henry Paulson and bails out Sr. Banker AIG.

The Bachelor Episode 7: Tears, Sharks and Tears

Hans' tears have breached the dam.

We begin the episode in St. Thomas where the drama from last week is still unresolved. Hans gets a pep talk from Harrison and looks to assure the girls he’s here for the right reasons. Besides the amount of tears, what’s striking is how few women are left:

Ivanka

Special Ed Vanessa

Rachel Esq.

That’s So Raven

Cheesehead Danielle

KGB DDS

It is late in the season, but I feel Hans is trying to convince the girls to stick with him over these last few weeks. The chance of a successful relationship coming from this season has to be the lowest probability since Jake/Brad’s seasons. Maybe it’s a 4 letter name thing? That’s why Tim and Dugan stick to 3/5 letters.

You know a good way to get a girl to like you? Take them to Bimini! Hans says why not and has to trim the suave six to the final four a few miles off the coast from Dugan.

Did I just say Final Four? No, we’re not talking about the Stevie Vasturia-lead Notre Dame basketball team. Next week are Hometowns!!!

Special Ed Vanessa & the Bermuda Triangle Shipwreck

The most interesting part of this trip was Ivanka’s initial response: “You lucky bitch.” Special Ed Vanessa is an assured front-runner and my pick to win at this point. Still smarting over the lack of a one-on-one, Ivanka decides to trash Special Ed Vanessa as having “no depth” and constantly talking about pasta and her special needs kids. Ivanka is becoming a super-villain and must be stopped.

Hans may have surfaced from the snorkeling too quickly because he dropped this gem later on the date: “Hometowns is next week” Oh, Hans. So eloquent.

Special Ed Vanessa appears to understand the show. She gives Hans the “I’m falling in love….” talk. Then she is flummoxed when she doesn’t get it back. No reciprocation is par for the course.

Do they get the show in Canada?

Ivanka, KGB DDS, and That’s So Raven go to School

We start the group date hearing the girls points of view. KGB DDS is sick of sharing her boyfriend. Raven simply wants the rose. Ivanka wants Nick. And the producers did not wait long to get the fireworks started. Having Hans apply sunscreen to KGB DDS in front of Ivanka/That’s So Raven was pure genius. We all know Ivanka’s lack of stability. Don’t sleep on my girl Raven. Remember earlier this season when she admitted to beating up a boyfriend with the stiletto heel of a women he was having sex with at the time. She can go cray if need be.

Watch your back, Hans. Speaking of, it’s shark swimming time. I don’t know why I got a kick out of this, but I did find it funny that KGB DDS started to detail the rows of teeth sharks enjoy. Raven wasn’t intimidated: “I will punch a shark in the face.” Well then.

I only have one question watching this date. How do fake eye lashes do in salt water?

Let’s speed up this recap:

• Ivanka is worried about falling behind.
• Hans cried.
• Raven uses the term “Daddy” which is no Bueno with Mrs. Dugan.
• Nevertheless, Raven gets the rose and Ivanka is starting to get worried.

Cheesehead Danielle and the Boring Date

At first, this date was pretty cool. They road bikes and started playing basketball with local kids. It went downhill when they had to talk to one another. Here’s the recap.

Boom. She’s getting cut mid-date. That’s how bad it was. Cutting her was the only interesting thing to come after basketball. It also gave us this exchange:

Hans: “You’re just so great”

Danielle: “Not great enough. I’ll leave and get my things.”

Hans: “I’ll walk you out.”

Danielle: “Sure.”

OUCH BABE.

Ivanka and the Caitlyn fail, Rachel as the next Bachelorette Date, and the KGB DDS Exit

Ivanka tried to cheer up Hans with a nightcap. Hans thought better of it and cut her off before he could make the same mistake twice.

Mrs. Dugan did call Rachel Esq. as the next bachelorette from the opening scenes of the premier. It appears those premonitions are now being confirmed by TMZ.

The rest of the season will be set on making Rachel appear great. She’ll get cut and be sad, but not too sad to be broken. The date was fun. At a local bar, Nick knew to just order a beer. Rachel hesitated…you know she wanted to order a chardonnay but thought better and ordered a beer. After admitting she never brought home a white guy, Rachel still make Hans comfortable and assured him he had nothing to worry about.

Goodbye KGB DDS. We’ve had enough of Russia lately.

The Bachelor Episode 6: Even Later and Maybe Just as Short

Happy Monday faithful readers.  It looks like late posts are just going to be a thing this season.  Look on the bright side: you get to read our musings on the day of the Bachelor.  Today is not just President's Day, but also Bachelor Day.  From this day forward, all Mondays are holidays honoring ABC's American heroes.

Mrs. Wags chose Juan Pablo as her favorite Bachelor of all time.

This week's episode began with a continuation of last week's rose ceremony.  There is no way he's getting rid of Olivia.  Though she is crazy (and not in the "crazy-like-a-fox" sort of way), I think he'll keep her around because she is the prime example of the girl he cannot get in real life.  The best example of this phenomenon is previous Bachelor Ben Flajnik choosing Courtney the model.  

The other women spilled the beans on Olivia.  Olivia smartly played the victim with Ben; she claimed that the other women just don't want to get to know her.  Well played.  

Understandably angry at the other women, Olivia challenges them to "Come at me....bro."  Olivia must be a dumb frat guy reincarnated.  Or maybe she just watches the Jersey Shore.  

Rose Ceremony #1

At the first rose ceremony of the episode, Mom Amanda, Olivia, and Lauren Harbaugh already had roses.  Additional roses went to: 

Software Caila

LB

Trump JoJo

Hugs Becca

Hut Hut Leah

Thing

Goodbye Ft. Lady Jennifer.  It's never a good sign when your first words on the show are about your fear of going home.  

The show then traveled to the Bahamas.  Mrs. Wags and I are confused about the Bahamas.  Are there more than one Bahama?  Is it a collection of islands?  Did the Beach Boys actually take a trip there?  Many questions, not many answers.  

Solo Date #1: Software Caila

Before Caila got the date, the pressure started to get to Hut Hut Leah, having had no solo time with Higgins.  She feels that they just need to have some time together because they are perfect for one another.  They live "10 minutes apart."  Little does Hut Hut understand that this is actually a disadvantage.  Bachelors DON'T WANT A LOCAL GIRL.  (See Flajnik, Ben.)   Hut Hut believes the "universe brought them together."  If anything, two black holes colliding brought Hut Hut and Ben together.  (I would not have been able to make that joke if I had written this post on time.)  

Software Caila's date with Software Ben was deep sea fishing.  The Softwares filled the date with terrible conversation.  It is a good thing the show is not transcribed.  They could never make it in Dugan and my world.

On the evening portion of the date, Ben said he needs Caila to cry. Uh, what?  Caila said she cannot cry (emotionally empty), but she did tell Ben she is falling in love with him (emotionally advanced), but she's also worried that she might hurt him.  Somehow, this series of tacks seemed to work with Ben.  Caila describes herself as being "confusing," yet all she wants is "to be understood."  

Like I said, it's a good thing this was not transcribed.

Caila got a rose because she's "authentic."  I think "coy" was the word he was looking for.  

Group Date: LB, Hugs Becca, Mom Amanda, JoJo Trump, Lauren Harbaugh, and Hut Hut Leah

The group date started with a boat ride.  I guess that's what you do when your in one of the Bahamas (or the only Bahama?).  

Hugs Becca delivered my QOTN: "You know what's unpredictable?  Sharks."  

Alas, there were no sharks, but there was an uninhabited island with SWIMMING PIGS.  I now know where I want to go on vacation.  

Watch your step.  

Mrs. Wags noticed that Strauss's "The Blue Danube Waltz" was playing in the background.  She described this as "awesome."  I describe this as, "I married up." 

JoJo Trump, showing off her Kardashian side, noted that "there are pigs everywhere."

This was the least impressive quote of the night.  

There was never any explanation for why there were swimming pigs in the water or who takes care of them.  Who knew pigs could even swim?  This is more confusing than Caila and the total number of Bahamas.  

Ben and the ladies fed hot dogs to the pigs.  That's messed up.  

On the date, Hut Hut again felt angry about not having any time with Ben.  She decided the best way to get noticed was to throw one of the other contestants under the bus.  Presumably, Olivia would be the easy target.  But Hut Hut isn't interested in easy targets.  She wants the biggest pig in the sea, so she chose to go after LB, the favorite at this point. 

When confronted by LB hours later, Hut Hut said "she would never be the type of person to single someone out."  Does Hut Hut not remember that there are video cameras recording this show?!  You can't tell lies like this.  I'm excited for The Women Tell All now.  

Mom Amanda got the date rose.  

Later that night, Hut Hut went to Ben's hotel room to continue on with her LB lie.  Ben saw right through it (or maybe Fleiss and Co. tipped him off?) and sent Hut Hut home.  

Two-on-One Date: Olivia and Thing

Mrs. Wags described this as a date pitting 400 CCs vs. 500 CCs.  Two girls that got implants for their high school graduation.  Mrs. Wags is really on fire tonight.  

The date started with a poem on the date card: "Two women.  One rose.  One stays.  One goes."  This is also what Ben's tattoo says.  

Olivia is going off the deep end.  "We've been writing our beautiful love story the whole time."  I can't tell if she is doing a bad job trying out to be the next Bachelorette or is doing a bad job wooing Ben.  Either way, she's doing a bad job.

Olivia, the quote machine, then said, "Deep intellectual things are my jam."  This was a close second-place finisher for QOTN.

The date was a boat ride (of course) to another island.  I'm starting to think "Bahamas" is intentionally pluralized.  

There was a torrential storm brewing as the three of them sat on the beach.  Each lady took turns giving speeches to Ben.  Maybe Hillary would do well on the Bachelor.

In the rainstorm, Ben seemed rather concerned about his hair.  For a few weeks now, I have been noticing Ben's purposefully and carefully combed forward hair, like he has something to hide.  I think there's a good chance that Ben is a bald denier.  He has the beginning of some power alleys in the front.  

Olivia couldn't hold back her crazy, and Ben sent her home, cold and wet.  Thing got the rose, but she was clearly more excited about sending Olivia packing.  

Rose Ceremony #2

Hugs Becca again dropped a great line, "It's almost like the weather has predicted this whole week."  

JoJo Trump needed to talk to Ben about something, but Ben cancelled the cocktail party.  She's either divorced, has a boyfriend, or has a kid.  My money is on divorce.  

Joining Mom Amanda, Software Caila, and Thing with roses were:

Hugs Becca

Trump

LB

Goodbye Lauren Harbaugh.  You were very nice, but exactly the kind of girl Ben can get back home in Warsaw.  

Until next week (i.e. tonight) when Dugan chronicles all the women professing their love.