I like this show and all, but I don't have the energy to blog a 3 hour finale. I'm going to take this as far as I can go (read: stay awake).
Here are my favorite highlights with some brief commentary.
When preparing to train for the Cirque de Soleil wall challenge, Graham said he was "literally pissing his pants." Graham literally has no idea what the word literally means.
In preparation for the challenge, Ella said that it's "harder than childbirth." I hope she's speaking figuratively, not literally. I imagine mothers everywhere are questioning Ella's definition of difficult.
Did Chris Harrison look good in that David Copperfield outfit, or did Chris Harrison look good in that David Copperfield outfit?
Trista, Mesnick, Roberto, and Ali came back as judges. It's so hard to believe that these four have nothing better to do.
I really enjoyed the spandex suits they all wore:
Michael thought he blacked out when he was announced as a winner. The last time he blacked out was when he won this break dancing contest (look for Michael at the 2:18 mark):
After announcing that she was on the show for "every battered woman," heartless Trista sent her packing. Las Vegas does not feel so fabulous anymore.
Vienna said that she needs a muzzle for Kasey. I've never agreed so wholeheartedly with something that Vienna has said. I vote for making Kasey sing everything he says.
Chris Harrison got a huge standing ovation at the finale reunion. Well deserved.
Not so well deserved was the big round of applause for Jake. I'm surprised how much the ladies in the studio audience liked him, but I was REALLY surprised when Liz started cheering for him in our living room.
Ames and Jackie are no longer together. Ames broke her heart by taking multiple solo trips to Vietnam.
Vienna says that she and Jake have closure and a lot of good things going for them. I agree. Jake is doing the Scottsdale to Reno flight. Vienna is making appearances at clubs in Vegas. Things are sure looking up for those two.
Kasey apologized to Jake, and then they bro-hugged it out. Vienna looked a little nervous that she might get cut out of that love triangle.
Okay. I'm pausing the blog and the show here at the halfway mark. If you see me at work tomorrow, feel free to spoil it for me.
Now that Melissa is gone, the most-crazy-resident position is up for grabs. After Harrison announced that the couples must partner up, Erica made her case and made it strongly by cornering Dentist Blake and making him partner up. Too bad for the Blakester. He went from hooking up with unstable Melissa to being officially partnered with devious-dummy Erica (see below)
The Nearly-Wed Game
How meta is this? There is a game show within a reality show. Good thing Chris Harrison was born meta. He's a suave heartthrob playing a suave heartthrob reality show host.
The Nearly-Wed game was just like the classic Newlywed game, with Harrison playing the role of Evolved Bob Eubanks.
Some of the highlights:
- Erica said, "I'm kind of a slut."
- Kasey thought Vienna's exes miss her "teeth."
- Blake said he would kiss Holly if he had his choice (Cue sound of Fleiss & Co. cheering in background)
- Holly following it up by saying that she'd want to sleep with Blake (Cue sound of Fleiss & Co. screaming with joy)
- Everyone agreeing that Blake is the most hated in the house
- Kasey admitting he lost his virginity at 21. No comment.
- Graham and Michelle gaming the system, and then Michelle forgetting their strategy and almost blowing it.
Graham and CEMII Date
They left on a date in a helicopter. That's about all you need to know.
Back at the house, Kasey and Vienna were having a fight, as usual. Ella explained that it's a result of "sexual tension." I have to question whether Ella understands what she just said.
I wrote those last two sentences, and then Kasey and Vienna started arguing about how Vienna is withholding sex from Kasey while in the house. Looks like Ella does understand the definition of sexual tension. I stand corrected.
Speaking of definitions, Kasey and Vienna had a fight about the meaning of an ultimatum. Vienna knew what an ultimatum was; Kasey did not. I'm surprised either of them knew the definition.
Blake and Erica Date
Blake started off his date with Erica in a limo....BORING. Get a helicopter, jet, ATV, rocket, horse, or Lamborghini.
Erica is a laugh-a-minute. She said Blake looks so good tonight that it's "historical." Totally hot like Abe Lincoln.
Erica said she can talk to ghosts. Maybe that's why she thinks Lincoln is hot.
Erica's astrologer said she would be in the top two. And he's been right about everything so far. So she's got that going for her.
On the date, Erica and Blake got two roses to save a couple, but unfortunately, they couldn't save themselves.
In one of the most awkward interactions to date, Erica did everything she could to try and get Blake to spend the night with her. She said she "wanted to get sex on his mind." She offered to wear sexy lingerie. She said they needed to bond to be a stronger pair. She said they just needed to relax overnight. Erica promised "no strings attached" sex. Blake looked like he was being offered a night with this girl...
.
Blake rejected Erica. She then told him that he's an idiot and they will go home because of it. In the most obvious statement of the night, Blake said, "I can't win." With Melissa and Erica, you definitely cannot win.
Blake and Erica tried to give their safety roses to Kirk and Ella in order to try and sway votes towards someone else. After not sealing the deal, Kasey and Vienna swooped in and convinced Blake and Erica to give the safety roses to them. Blake's judgment continues to be questionable. Very questionable. I wouldn't expect that from a guy that brushes for a full minute every morning and night.
Rose Ceremony
Ella whined for a long time about how she needs the money the most. She said that she's there "not just for myself, but also for my nine-year-old son." Really? How are you in LA at the Bachelor Pad mansion for your son? I guess if you can go to LA for 3 months with a 1 in 20 shot at 250k, you gotta take that.
Shortly before the rose ceremony, Blake threw all caution to the wind and made out with Holly openly on the Bachelor Pad pool furniture.
Pre-ceremony roses already went to Graham/CEMII and Kasey/Vienna.
Final roses went to Holly/Michael and Ella/Kirk.
Blake's final bad decision cost him the most: trusting Kasey and Vienna. Now that's an ultimatum.
Until next week, the season finale. What!? Huh!? Already!?
The Cliffhanger No, silly, I'm not talking the Sopranos style end to last week. But the Stallone inspired cliffhanger leaving Jake in the balance:
Jake loses his grip and Fleiss & Co. can only extend his run into the first few minutes of episode IV.
Kissing Competition
Michelle bows out citing morals.
MICHELLE BOWS OUT CITING MORALS. Let's just move on before Dugan's head explodes. Ella, the other single mother, has no such qualms. Holly is blindfolded first and most of the guys respect Breakdancing Michael's dibs on his former fiance and give innocent pecks. For today's WWT math lesson, 1 US peck = 0.25 US bushels. If the other guys were going for pecks, Dentist Blake stepped up his game with a bushel or two. And for the rest:
Momma Ella brings home the rose for some "baby making kisses."
Erica was giving it her all
Kasey's breathe turned off the women
Blake had no fear until it came to Vienna
Blake and Ella get roses and ones to give out
Ella's date to the other Bachelor House
Ella takes teammate Kirk on a date with a red ferari to the other house in the Bachelor stable.
Kirk rehashes his life threatening mold story.
This story falls on deaf ears with the authors of WWT because this is an untouched photo of the house Wags and I lived in during college:
Kirk got sick, lost 20 lbs and dropped out of school. I know A LOT of guys who got sick often, gained 20 lbs and dropped out of school. Oh, and they don't complain about it on national television.
Especially to a women who trumps your bad "cold" during college with the ol' "I watched my step dad murder my mother when I was 3."
There are NO WINNERS when Kirk whines about his sickness.
Back at the house, Erica is giving Blake a massage and I would rather not discuss more since many people read this blog while eating breakfast.
Mount St. Melissa is an active stratovolcano located in Orange County, Florida, in the Southeast region of the United States. She is 96 miles (154 km) south of Sanity, Anywhere and 50 miles (80 km) northeast of Lucid, Thought. Mount St. Melissa takes its English name from the British diplomat Lord St Crazy, a friend of producer Mike Fleiss who wisely cast her in a previous season of the Bachelor. The volcano is located in the Bachelor/ette collection of shows and is part of the the reason the United States will not be a superpower in the near future, a segment of the Reality Ring of Fire that includes over 160 active volcanoes on a myriad of television programs. This volcano is well known for its behavioral explosions and psychiatric flows.
Mount St. Melissa is most notorious for her catastrophic eruption on August 29, 2011, at 8:32 pm EST[2] which was the craziest and most career destructive volcanic event in the history of the United States. Fifty-seven people were brought to tears; 250 snorted, 47 immediately texted "LOL", and one Dugan immediately requested she be made the next Bachelorette.
Blake made an awful, early game decision to play with Melissa.
He tried to cut his ties and Mt. Saint Melissa erupted
Blake chose Mike's former fiance Holly for his one-on-one
Melissa calls Blake a dictator ...I...can't...resist...the...temptation
IT'S MUAMMAR AL BLAKE!!!
Muammar and Holly Go Skiing
The two have an obvious budding connection and Mike sits back at the pad not wanting them to fall in love…
Melissa does a terrible job of trying to console breakdancing Mike by calling his former fiance a hoe and Muammar a Don Juan.
Now that Holly is into another guy, Mike tries to make his move (good timing, Mike!).
<<< I interrupt the WWT recap to bring you the funniest moment from ABC last night. While announcing the next cast for Dancing with the 'Stars,' David Arquette was billed as “King of the Big Screen.” If you were given 2,000 guesses to who is "King of the Big Screen?" would you have reached Mr. Cox?">>>
Rose Ceremony:
Safe: Blake, Holly, Kirk, Ella
Kasey says the 250,000.00 prize is for "my grandma to live."
Michael and Holly create the Brad & Emilyesque date of their own at the mansion
Kasey, the shows Godfather, admits he is scared of Mt. Saint Melissa
I'll start with a confession: Liz and I are five hours behind on the show. Yes, five hours is the entire length of the first two episodes. Based on the episode three preview, I think we should not have any problem catching up.
It's good to know that not much has changed. Kirk started off the episode by announcing that "having a crazy partner might not be good." When I think about that statement more, it seems like pretty good life advice and not just good Bachelor Pad advice.
Kasey announced that he wants Jake to go home, but he won't go home because he has "alligator blood." I heard you can defeat Jake by running in a zig zag motion because he can only run straight.
Rose Challenge: Synchronized Swimming
Harrison announces that the rose challenge is synchronized swimming. "Who doesn't love synchronized swimming!?" What has two thumbs and is this guy?
The guys seem to have the early advantage because Jake was on a dancing TV show and Mike is a break dancing instructor. Who knew those useless skills might actually be useful? That's the beauty of reality television. And who says this stuff is trash?
The women started and violated the only rule of synchronized that I actually know: don't touch the bottom of the pool. They just danced in the pool and looked like clowns.
The men did a superior job. Like I said, looks like all those useless skills paid off.
Harrison said that this competition "set synchronized swimming back fifty years." Who knew that it is such a modern sport? According to the very modern Olympic coach, the break dancer and CEM II were the best.
Interlude
Before the dates started, Jake announced that everyone is "looking for a hero." Wasn't that a song? Yes, yes there was:
Kasey and Vienna then got into a fight. They seem to be in a dating relationship, but this seems more like a relationship with some violence/anger issues. I'm not a family therapist, but this is definitely a bad sitch (is that how you'd abbreviate "situation?")
The Date Portion
CEM II took the Dentist, Graham, and Kasey on her date. The date was boring. I have nothing to say about it. Some guy named Graham got a rose.
The Break Dancer took his Holly, Vienna, and Ella. They got to ride horses. Vienna was pissed to wear a helmet. I totally agree with her. Who needs a helmet when they ride a horse?
Things got emotional when the Break Dancer and Holly had a heart-to-heart about their breakup. They seem like they might be in love, but just can't get it right. Seems a little too real. Cut back to Kasey, please.
Jake made out with Erica. According to her own description, she "has great lips" that she "maintains...with injections." She's also a self-described great kisser. Paging @humblebrag.
Bret Michaels then showed up. He played "Every Rose Has Its Thorn." I was hoping for "Unskinny Bop." That one is my favorite, but it wouldn't make much sense. After perusing Poison's Wikipedia page, this song might have been fun/funny to hear live:
Kasey, I Love You
Kasey was ready to give Vienna a six-month anniversary promise ring. Vienna freaked out that it might be an engagement ring. You know you might be in the wrong relationship if...
KASEY SANG. KASEY SANG. KASEY SANG. These past seventy five minutes have been completely worth it. This calls for a trip down memory lane:
Melissa, You're Not Well
Before the rose ceremony, we were treated to twenty minutes of Melissa freaking out for no real reason. She seems to truly understand the meaning of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn." Get it? The Bachelorette has roses, but sometimes the thorns on the stems hurt more. It's a little like love. It's actually a lot like love.
So Who Goes Home?
Tonight, one guy was going home. The early favorite to go home was Jake, but Erica Duck Lips flipped the script. Jake said he would stay "with the grace of God." I think God has better things to worry about.
In what might have been the most artistic ending ever, Kasey was sent home in a Sopranos-style ending.
The show then cut over to Batman swimming in the pool in the middle of the night. Film and Television classes will undoubtedly be analyzing this Bachelor Pad ending for years to come.
Good news: There will be a recap of the episode for our faithful readers. Bad news: It's written by Dugan. We'll do this thing bullet point style again and get you the highlights as I saw them. Please add your own in the comments because I don't watch BP nearly as closely as the Bachelor/ette. The episode begins with Kasey as the Batchelor Godfather choosing who lives or dies.
Just a heads up to our fans. When writing your Bachelor blog at work, be careful with google image search. Because my "Kasey Bachelor" image search prompted a "Casey Batchelor" image search and may lead to Dugan meeting with HR this afternoon. Considering Dugan is HR, I have not decided how to punish myself yet. But let's get back to the episode and the competition for this week's roses
Egg Toss Paint Ball
The competition was basically who could break an egg on the opposite sex's back. Since Erica was the largest target, she got hit a lot. Personally, I never thought Erica looked better:
Before telling you who won, my favorite parts of the competition:
Our boy Chris Harrison guessing who they were aiming at. Say artist Jackie missed badly when asked to hit the "dumbest guy." Chris would confidantly volunteer who they were aiming at, "Oh, she was going for Cell Phone Bill with that one." Ouch, Harrison.
Break Dancing Michael turns into Lee Smith with the overhand fireball drilling Erica.
Break Dancing Michael and Olive Graden Melissa (remember, she's a hostess at a central florida restaurant) win safety and the right to go on dates.
Breakdancing Mike's Scary Date
And it has nothing to do with the haunted Linda Vista Hospital. He took Erica!!! That would scare the shit out of any guy. But in addition to Erica, Mike decided to breakdance with ex-fiance Holly and Michelle Boozer. This is a hilarious foursome.
Mike and Holly only broke up 2.5 months before BP2
Mike and Erica try to contact the dead
Michelle and Holly discuss whether "there's still something there" between Mike and Holly
Mike and Holly discuss the timing issues that affected their relationship
The ex, Holly, gets a rose and safety.
Olive Garden Melissa's a yacht of fun
Ok, I have used Kasey the Frog's pun twice now. It was incredible. Almost good enough to lessen my hate for him. He is simply awful. But he is with Vienna so he's got that going for him. Kasey the Frog and Olive Garden Melissa discuss a rose-safety swap until Blake the Dentist, Male Gigolo appears.
Dentist Blake tries to explain the date:
Blame it on the goose
Got you geeling loose
Blame it on the petron
Got you in the zone
Blame it on the a a a a a alcohol
Blame it on the a a a a a a alcohol
The Dentist is in t-r-o-u-b-l-e. He did not heed warnings about Melissa, secured the rose and sealed his fate. Despite Melissa's desire to rehab her image on BP2, we all know what's going to happen. This. will. not. end. well.
Rose ceremony drama
Chris Harrison enters the Kasey the Frog controlled rose ceremony and drops a bomb: Jake's not leaving tonight as two girls will exit. Kasey & Vienna threaten to leave the show because of the producer's "cheating." Mrs. Dugan brings a strong thought about Vienna: "She's so bad she almost makes Jake likeable." Mind you, Mrs. Dugan is no less convinced that Jake is Patrick Bateman incarnate. And for the rest:
Blake's getting to see the full Melissa
"I've been carrying him. I've been winning competitions for us." (There have been 2. She won 1.)
Kirk and Ella are very normal compared to the rest of the people on the show
Kasey the Frog is flailing as Don Corleone
Michelle Boozer tries to convince Jake to leave. Humorous.
Gia bails after Graham sells her out to the Bachelor Don.
Ames & the Artist
Ames & Jackie's exit was straight out of Hollywood. Sometimes Fleiss & Co. knock it out of the park. That's why some of their cheaper stunts annoy me. They have the ability to do great work (see making Don Kasey the Frog look ridiculous the entire episode) but they can also fall flat at times (egg competition). But Ames choosing Jackie over a chance at $250,000.00 was pretty smooth by Dugan's standards. WWT wishes them luck and continues to apologize for your unfortunate nickname, El Douche (but did you see those red pants?).
Line of the Night: "I think it's safe to say that we won Bachelor Pad 2."
Chris Harrison explains that the Bachelor Pad is the "home to the men and women who did not find lasting love on the Bachelor or Bachelorette." To the fans and friends of WWT, BP is simply awesome. Fleiss & Co. do a great job of mixing fan and blog favorites as well as enemies. But 3 hours was tough to handle.
The Enemies List:
Rated R from Bachelorette Ally's season doesn't want to see his enemy Kasey. He will see Kasey.
Kasey from Ally's season doesn't want to see former Bachelorette Jake. Kasey will see Jake.
Jake wants to see Vienna, his former fiance, who doesn't want to see him. It will happen.
Vienna also doesn't want to see Gia from Jake's season and BP1. That will happen.
Holly doesn't want to see Breakdancing Mike. Whoops.
The Rest:
Dentist Blake, El Douche and Cell Phone Bill from the recently completed season of the Bachelorette
Erica from Lorenzo's season who explains what won't get in her way of winning: "my morals"
Momma Ella from Jake's season got more attractive and relayed an awful story about witnessing her mother's murder at the hands of her step-father
Graham from Deanna's season
Young Alli from Brad's season? I don't really remember what season she was in. I remember this: From Ohio with a well endowed personality and was kept around late in a season without ever getting much one on one time. And once she got it, she was cut. Doesn't say much for her real personality.
Crazy Melissa. All I remember is bat shit crazy.
Kirk from Alli's season - everyone should remember that home date with the taxidermy in his father's basement.
Highlights from the Meet & Greet
Gia explains that "Vienna is so skank in my book."
Vienna described winning on the Bachelor as a "lose-lose."
Kasey bringing the heat: "I'm going to take a Jake and wipe my Pavelka." BOOM. Roasted.
Rated R breaks it down: "Love's a waste of time. I'm here for the money."
Holly likes Dentist Blake because "he uses really big words."
Formerly engages couple Breakdancing Mike and Holly's meet was a.w.k.w.a.r.d. and great for the viewer.
Ella thinks drama surrounds Vienna and would not want to be her. Mind you, this is the same woman who is a single mother who saw her own mother murdered. I am not trying to make light of Ella's awful tragedy - only highlight how awful it is to be Vienna.
Jake & Vienna's A.W.K.W.A.R.D. meetup blows Holly and Mike's out of the water.
Jake to Vienna, "You look nice. And I met Kasey."
Then they discuss the weather. Dugan made mental note never again to discuss weather in a social setting.
The Straddling Swing Competition
Not much to discuss here outside of the following:
Cell Phone Bill gets Gia much to most men's jealousy and promptly drops her.
Kirk gets stuck with Erica and his herculean effort carried them far
Michelle Money defied gravity
In a tension filled ending, Jake & Artist Jackie knocked off Vienna and Kasey to win immunity.
Vienna and Kasey flee to fight.
Vienna: "I kind of expected a little more from you." OUCH. Fighting ensues.
Vienna: "we made a promise we wouldn't fight on camera." Guffaw.
Kasey in an attempt to make up: "I love you more than peanut butter cookies."
Mrs. Dugan: "I need her to drown."
Jake & Jackie's Night Out
Jake has fans. Turns out they are 11 year olds.
BP2 turns Survivor at the House with alliances forming.
Jake is still a sociopath.
Dugan is more convinced than ever that Jake is the real life Patrick Bateman.
Back at the house, C.E.M.II thinks Vienna should confront Jake.
Vienna explains to C.E.M.II that Jake is a book that she finished . . . and would like to burn. Ok, then.
Jake & Gia's Sit Down
Jake's giving a rose to Vienna. Dugan doesn't understand.
The girls in the house don't like Gia. Dugan understands. Jealousy's a bitch.
Gia & Jake discuss chess strategy and Virgil's Aeneid.
Jake gives immunity to Vienna and apologizes for never getting a table at Dorsia.
There is an idea of a Jake Pavelka; some kind of abstraction. But there is no real Jake: only an entity, something illusory. And though he can hide his cold gaze, and you can shake his hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense your lifestyles are probably comparable... He simply is not there.
Gia bluffs Kasey very well and secures an alliance with him. Then I found the following picture showing where Gia learned her skills.
Rose Ceremony
Rated R. doesn't like Kasey walking around like King-ding-a-ling at the rose ceremony.
Dugan can't resist this classic:
I won't go through all the rose recipients but Erica was my favorite, mainly for her cross promotion for ABC's Dancing With the Stars:
Young Ally and Rated R get the boot for playing both sides.
Welcome to the finale-that-couldn't-come-soon-enough. Turns out this is our 151st post on WWT. In honor of that number, I sure wish I had a few shots of 151. Might take the edge off of Ashley's distinct brand of annoying.
The episode started off on Vomo Island. Amazingly, it described exactly what Liz wants to do every time she sees Ashley...vomo all over the place.
Ashley's family arrived. This is truly what we have all been waiting for: Ashley's sister Kat Von D.
In one breath, Ashley says she's absolutely in love, and she hasn't made the final choice. Those are two statements that seem contrapositive to one another. (Definitely not sure if it's the right word, but I'm hoping that ND Freshman year Philosophy paid off).
Cupcake got to meet Ashley's family first. Ashley said she wasn't nervous at all. Her brother, on the other hand, seems extremely nervous. He kept wiping off sweat with a towel. Maybe it's just really hot in Vomo Island. According to some weather website, it's currently 28 degrees Celsius right now in Vomo (whatever that means).
After one lunch and two Pina Coladas, Ashley's sister Kat Von D doesn't think that Cupcake is for her because he doesn't make her laugh. Kat thinks that she is "much more rational" than Ashley. I beg to differ. Was it rational to get a butterfly tattoo on your throat?
Ashley turned to her brother for support. Amazingly, he also looks just like another quasi-celebrity. What will you give me for Ashley's brother and Derrick from MTV's Road Rules/Real World Challenge (if Derrick really liked Puka shell necklaces)?
Unfortunately for Cupcake, Derrick isn't running the interview portion, but Kat is. Cupcake and Kat are not getting off to a good start. Kat thinks Brad was better for Ashley. She thinks Cupcake is too timid for Ashley. To top it off, she didn't think Cupcake should propose. If Cupcake wins this thing, I don't think he's going to be getting coffee with his sister-in-law.
Cupcake learned a lesson that Madison Avenue has been selling for a long time:
Ashley had a heart-to-heart with Kat that quickly deteriorated into Ashley calling Kat a negative bitch. (Those are her words, not mine). These are the type of moments during the Finale that always make me wonder what the winner of the show is thinking while watching right now. He HAS to be worried about what a dysfunctional family he's marrying into. But this show always leads to successful marriages, right? So no worries.
Sonoma Ben then got his chance with Ashley's B-list celebrity family. Kat says she wants a guy that brings out who Ashley really is. Apparently that includes Ashley's famous "dog voice." If I had a friend that made it to the late stages of applying to be on THIS season, I would again remind him how lucky he is not to have been selected (this is all hypothetically speaking of course).
Quick pause break. Needed to get an ice cream sandwich and happened to stop on this gem:
With a nose-pick like that, how could she not pick this Maestro of Merlot. (And to clarify, Liz got me the ice cream sandwich while I sat on the couch typing...I'll get her flowers soon...get off my back!).
Let's get back to some Philosophy proofs.
1) Ashley's family loves Ben
2) Ashley hates her family (esp. Kat)
3) Ashley should pick Sonoma Ben
4) Ashley will pick Cupcake
(Nietszche couldn't have done it better than that)
Sonoma Ben's date with Ashley continued on an helicopter trip to a pond. They were in a natural mud bath on Vomo Island. Sounds a little risky to me. To Ashley, it was more risque than risky. I did a little research and found out that Ashley and Sonoma were not alone in the mudbath. I was able to obtain exclusive footage of their co-mudders:
Something I've recently noticed about Ashley that really irritates me is that she is the worst sentence-finisher. As Sonoma Ben told her that he loved her "and never expected it...," Ashley finished his sentence with..."in a million years?" Just zip it. I'm getting ornery as this show goes on.
Cupcake had his last date. Overally, boring. But he did give us this gem. "She may love both of us, but she can only be in love with one of us," said Cupcake. That's meaningful and meaningless all at once.
Next, we got our yearly dose of Neil Lane. I vote for him to become Harrison's sidekick on Bachelor Pad. Neil could really add some clarity to that show. Get it? Clarity. It's a triple entendre. He's a diamond guy.
Usually we get to see who gets out of the limo first, but today we get a new twist from Fleiss and Co. In the Fijian tradition, there are no limos, but only seaplanes. Also, these seaplanes are required to fly around at least six loops before landing. Don't ask why, it's Fiji.
Like Nietzsche always said, the first person out of the seaplane usually loses. BEN. NO. Ben loses and peaces out. Ben left with honesty and grace, telling Ashley, "these things don't end on good terms, hope you and JP have a nice life together." Previously, I wanted new Bachelor blood, but now I want Sonoma Ben for Bachelor Season 27.
Cupcake won. I can't fight the feeling anymore that Cupcake and the Dental Student are not going to last.
Ok, this is going to be a quick recapitulation for those who missed last night's Men Tell All. First, you didn't miss anything because it was a two hour waste. Some highlights:
Liquor Tim returned to redeem himself and apologize for his early exit
The Masked Man was regularly derided by the men for his antics. (PS, if anyone believes this was not driven by the producers, I have lost respect for you).
Cell Phone Bill doesn't feel bad about throwing LL Ben under the bus. Oh, and he sticks his hands in his ears like a 7 year old to avoid hearing himself, showing that his maturation success is equal to his career success.
Revisited the pissing dog on Greek Groban and Ashley's lantern date.
El Douche reacted like I would have when faced with flying crickets/larvae to eat.
Ashley coats her face with vaseline before going to sleep.
Bachelor Pad II will be incredible.
Kasey "Guard and Protect your heart" discussed wanting to beat up Jake: "That's for America. That's for my girlfriend." Does Kasey think America sides with Vienna about anything?
Solar Vienna read books about what questions to ask before marriage/engagement. I think it's safe to say that Solar Vienna was "here for the right reasons" except for the fact he is probably not heterosexual - not that there's anything wrong with that.
Solar Vienna's "You don't want to meet my family . . . (long pause)" after getting dumped will remain one of my all time favorite exits from the show.
Nick the baseball player should have been named El Douche.
Michelle Money offered to pay her own airfare and bake cookies for the cast and crew for 2 minutes of airtime.
Bentley didn't show up to defend himself because there really wasn't much he could say to rehab his image
Ali, Jason & Deanna showed up to . . . what the hell did they show up for?
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. Did Dugan write that Ashley covers her face with Vaseline before going to bed?
We begin the episode with some beautiful aerial shots of Fiji and explanations from Ashley of the remaining men: Winemaker, Greek Groban and Cupcake. Then we cut to the misty rain and see a fourth, unidentified man coming back to win Ashley's heart? "It's the dentist," says Mrs. Dugan (obviously falling for the editing tricks of Fleiss & Co.). But no. The man coming out of the rain was not the only dentist to appear on the show this season. It was Solar Vienna.
Solar Vienna Part I of II
Solar Vienna is a contradiction. He relies on solar energy for his job but seemingly was in the rain all season long. He has no luck with women but is supremely confidant. Solar Vienna is pretty sure that Ashley "is regretting sending me home." He blames odd circumstances such as there "being other guys around." Really? On the Bachelorette? That's the excuse you want to go with? In the end, he wants to know if Ashley "feels like I do."
Ashley, do you?
And Ashley's first response to Solar Vienna pouring his heart out, explaining his motives and the mountains he moved to get to Fiji..."WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" If that's not love, I don't know what is. After explaining that he is going to stay nearby, Ashley sums up Dugan's feelings very well, "This is crazy." Agreed.
Winemaker Ben and Ashley Losing Her Flower
Winemaker and Ashley go sailing on a yacht and snorkeling for their daytime activity. And you need to enjoy the funny moments because when Fleiss & Co. go for romance, often comedy is all we have. This date didn't stand out for me, but for three items:
1. Early on the date, wind blows a flower from Ashley's hair. Ashley blurts out, "I lost my flower." Silly Ashley, that comes at the end of the date.
2. Ben admits "I kind of saw my life with Ashley floating before my eyes." Noting says "life" like private yachts and snorkeling in Fiji.
3. Ben's shirt!!! What the hell was that? Is it the worst clothing choice in Bachelor/ette history? Is Dugan being too catty over this? It was like a mesh sweatshirt. It was odd.
Fantasy Suite Time
Because I remain mentally between 6-8th grade, I often chuckle when the date card invites them to stay "as a couple." The Dugans inch forward on their couch for what could be the first hot tub scene of the season only to be disappointed. It was a giant pool. But Ben did pick Ashley up romance novelesque out of the pool.
If you, like Dugan, also enjoyed the pool exit, here's a few more to pass your day.
Greek Groban and a Big Problem for Bachelorettes
There are different problems that Bachelors face than Bachelorettes, but I presume this problem is bigger for Bachelorettes. Being on this show seems like a blast. You travel all around the world getting to do amazing things for weeks. Greek Groban was clearly more excited for the helicopter and waterfall high dives than Ashley. Mrs. Dugan and I discussed this during the date after we both ran to the nearest bathroom to throw up after Ashley's quote of the night from the helicopter: "I have a Greek God to my left and crystal blue water beneath me"
Ugh. But Fleiss & Co. deserve all the credit, because right when they are about to lose me, they flash to pathetic Solar Vienna and make it appear Ashley flies right over head. The helicopter has replaced the rain cloud as Solar Vienna's torment.
Dinner Time
It's time to get down to business for Ashley. She wants some questions answered followed by the romance novel treatment from her Greek Groban God. Ashley questions his home purchasing methods, hand holding reluctance and general lack of being head over heels. Greek Groban explains that things have to come naturally, that they have not yet, and that he knows what the fantasy suite means and implies. And that he knows he is NOT in love with her. BOOM. ROASTED.
East Coast Interruption by the POTUS and George Hamilton's response. (Dugan will not breakdown politics in this space.)
But terrible timing by the politicos. Back to Fiji. And Greek Groban brings it for the blog in this statement to Ashley:
"This means the end of the road for me."
Ashley's response:
Dugan's only thought:
And Ashley sits alone, at the table, reading her fantasy suite card. Dumped. Hilarious.
Solar Vienna Part II of II: From Limo to Lame
Solar Vienna can never get past losing his early lead. Ashley needs to set him straight and to right her world from the Greek Gong Show. Ashley dumps Solar Vienna and Dugan fast forwards the DVR because he is done with Solar Vienna.
Cupcake's Time to Shine
I always wonder what's going on in the background. The seaplane pilot drops them off on the beach. Does he have a kindle? An Ipad with wifi? Is he checking his portfolio while the lovebirds make out on the beach in front of the camera crew? I admit I think too much about this show, but it's an escape and I can't stop now.
Ashley explains that she sent two men home to Cupcake. How she had to let Ryan go again and how it was a mutual decision with her and Greek Groban.
Ashley reinvents getting dumped, spends some fantasy suite time with Cupcake where Fleiss & Co. once again try to force Ashley's nonexistent sexiness on us. And ABC still had some time to fill so they had a rose ceremony with two men and two roses. And I refuse to comment further because Harrison did not utter his most important line.
The show started off in Philadelphia, "Ashley's hometown." I could have sworn Ashley was from some random city close to Canada that eats gravy on their french fries. Google research tells me that it's called poutine. That sounds as gross as the picture looks.
Date #1: Greek Groban in Cumming, Georgia
It's a REALLY good thing I didn't do the bottle of wine routine tonight, because Greek Groban's hometown is called...see above. I can't even write it twice without feeling like I need to go to confession.
When we nicknamed Constantine, Greek Groban, I don't think we realized just how stereotypically Greek this guy is. His father's name is Dimitri. There was a baby named Athena. The family danced in circles. Ya-Ya sat on the couch. His family owns a restaurant that specializes in feta.
Ashley is so smitten with Groban's looks. It appeared that she wasn't the only lady in C*mm!n$ that likes Constantine. As they kissed outside the restaurant, all of the restaurant servers oohed and ahhed in jealousy.
I thoroughly enjoyed the hell out of all interviews with Dimitri. I felt like it was my introduction to the Greek Rosetta Stone. Ashley had obviously purchased the program beforehand because she said that the conversations with the Grobans went "better than any conversation she's had in a long time."
Bold Prediction: Greek Groban wins it all. Liz thinks it's not such a bold pick because I can say I thought I was predicting Sonoma Ben to win if Ben wins it all.
El Douche has a really crackly voice. Just noticed that.
The Douches looked completely uninterested in the process. El Douche's sister is named Serena. She was concerned that Ashley isn't all that interested in El Douche. Serena may not be a professional tennis player, but she knows how to serve up some relationship criticism.
Serena continued her meddling/astute observations with El Douche. Serena spilled the beans that Ashley wants a ring at the end of the process. El Douche looked like he got muay thai punched in the face again.
El Douche ended the date by taking Ashley to his "favorite tree." I found a picture of my favorite tree so you could see it and maybe we can have a picnic there:
Ashley ended the date by saying that she likes how she and Douche think alike. I guess if El Douche went to Arizona State and didn't recycle, they would think alike.
Date #3: Sonoma Ben...you guessed it...in Sonoma
In a totally money move that will be lost on Ashley, Sonoma Ben takes her straight to his vineyards. Unfortunately for Sonoma Ben, Ashley has a favorite wine already:
Turns out Ashley is only the second gal that Sonoma has ever brought home. I liked his sister right away when she ripped on his hair.
When pushed by his sister about whether he would propose at the end, he said "I would have no problem proposing if she picked me." I'm sure that's exactly what Ashley would want to hear.
I nearly had to turn the TV off when Ben got emotional about his father. Next to Ryan's proposal to Trista, that was the most emotional I've ever gotten during an episode. I'm convinced that Ashley isn't fit to swirl Sonoma Ben's Bordeaux blend.
Date #4: Roslyn, NY - the best Cupcake around
Cupcake started off the episode by saying how excited he was to be back in Long Island. Ouch.
Cupcake took Ashley roller skating. I wasn't so thrilled for this date, but I was thrilled to be introduced to this music video:
Liz made a bold prediction: no matter who wins, none of these relationships lasts more than 6 months. I'm not convinced there's anything particularly "bold" about that prediction.
Ashley got to Cupcake's parents house for dinner and made a snippy comment about eating carbs. I'm really starting to dislike her. Fake dentistry, insecurity, throwing away aluminum cans in the trash, and now ripping on carbs...my favorite food group.
Cupcake is confident that his heart is not going to get broken because he has something with Ashley that "none of the other guys have." Now we're talking. A little arrogance makes the fall at the end even harder. Cupcake went all in on that statement.
Cupcake got played by his Mom at the end when she busted out his Bar Mitzvah mullet poster. Once again, I wish I could have had a Bar Mitzvah. First Communion and Confirmation are just not a good enough religious party.
Rose #3: Greek Groban (sporting lots of hair...as always)
As not-so-boldly predicted above, El Douche got sent home. His Ivy League brain couldn't compute. He now leaves to "go start a lifetime of adventures, with himself, which is, less enticing." Get this guy to a therapist.
Did the opening leave anyone else surprised? Apparently this season is humming along, because we are at the hometown dates next week. Anyways, Ashley began the week with a run down of the guys and why she likes them. Solar Vienna and Cupcake make her feel safe. Lucas Oil is a genuine, great guy. El Douche is unique, sweet and intelligent. Winemaker Ben is funny. And Greek Groban is easy to look at. Dugan knows the way to a women's heart is to make her laugh, so Ben is now my pick to win.
The guys are welcomed to Taiwan by Harrison. Mrs. Dugan points out the odd distance between the guys and Harrison. He is literally 30 yards away from them. He should have used a bullhorn when explaining the three one-on-ones and group date.
Greek Groban and the Pissing Dog
Ashley dishes that her relationship with Greek Groban is slowly proceeding compared to the others. But they have just the thing to get things heated up: a steam engine. BOOM.
Ashley explains that "wishes come true" during this rather picturesque lantern lighting ceremony. And she drops an early favorite for Dugan's quote of the night:
"He is taking this lantern thing seriously. It makes me think there may be a future there."
Greek Groban explains he has a big family. I know everyone's thinking it:
Greek Groban tells Ashley he has strong feelings, but is not ready to throw around the L word just yet. Perhaps because he's known her for approximately 13 days. While shown in the credits, it was probably the highlight of the episode, but a dog pissed on their wish lantern. It was hilarious.
Ben's Gorges Date
Ben heard about the Gorges date and wisely guessed there would be some "outdoor time." Unless Taiwan has indoor gorges, Dugan wasn't ready to proclaim Winemaker the next Nostradamus. Early on in the date, we learned just how much of a favorite Ben had become. Ashley claimed Ben was "the man" on his moped. ON. A. MOPED.
At dinner, Ashley made a pretty big faux pas in Ben's world. She compared the wine to the wine he brought her. You could see the devastation in Ben's face. The Dental Student does not have a deft palate. Ben's face relayed the wines were similar along the lines of "they were both white." The wine flop doesn't end the date, nor do they...until the next morning.
Cupcake "doesn't give a fuck" which clearly means he gives a lot a fuck. Winemaker gets a nickname from the men upon his arrival, Mr. 24 hours. I like it, but we're sticking with Winemaker at WWT.
"Group Dates Suck"
Another gem from Cupcake while completely unravelling on the group date of wedding photos. Lucas Oil had to wear a condom. El Douche was dressed up in the Dumb & Dumber tuxes. Lucas Oil and El Douche were set up to fail and excelled.
Cupcake gets to wear a tux and crumbles. But his connection with Ashley and whining secure a rose and a hometown date.
Solar Vienna and the lack of Sunshine
Perhaps it was an omen that the sun did not appear in Taiwan for Solar Vienna. But do you know who did? The fortune teller from Big masquerading as a Taiwanese God of Love.
Ashley searched and searched for the romantic connection with Solar Vienna but she came to the same conclusion as the rest of the guys in the house: "I'm just not feeling it." Hey, Ryan!!!
Solar Vienna got the boot mid date. Watching Ryan's meltdown, Dugan felt this date might as well have taken place in Fukushima instead of Taiwan.
Rose Ceremony
Consistent with the heavy theme of inserted pictures, we'll continue for the Rose Ceremony portion of the blog.
The crumbling cupcake is safe.
Who's joining him:
Greek Groban.
Winemaker.
El Douche.
Don't stress Lucas, any Texan knows a lot of wells end up dry. Keep digging, buddy. Keep digging.
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