The Bachelor Pad II: Setting the Scene

Chris Harrison explains that the Bachelor Pad is the "home to the men and women who did not find lasting love on the Bachelor or Bachelorette." To the fans and friends of WWT, BP is simply awesome. Fleiss & Co. do a great job of mixing fan and blog favorites as well as enemies. But 3 hours was tough to handle.

The Enemies List:

• Rated R from Bachelorette Ally's season doesn't want to see his enemy Kasey. He will see Kasey.
• Kasey from Ally's season doesn't want to see former Bachelorette Jake. Kasey will see Jake. 
• Jake wants to see Vienna, his former fiance, who doesn't want to see him. It will happen.
• Vienna also doesn't want to see Gia from Jake's season and BP1. That will happen.
• Holly doesn't want to see Breakdancing Mike. Whoops.

The Rest:

• Dentist Blake, El Douche and Cell Phone Bill from the recently completed season of the Bachelorette
• Erica from Lorenzo's season who explains what won't get in her way of winning: "my morals" 
• Momma Ella from Jake's season got more attractive and relayed an awful story about witnessing her mother's murder at the hands of her step-father
• Graham from Deanna's season
• Young Alli from Brad's season? I don't really remember what season she was in. I remember this: From Ohio with a well endowed personality and was kept around late in a season without ever getting much one on one time. And once she got it, she was cut. Doesn't say much for her real personality.
• Crazy Melissa. All I remember is bat shit crazy.
• Kirk from Alli's season - everyone should remember that home date with the taxidermy in his father's basement.

Highlights from the Meet & Greet

• Gia explains that "Vienna is so skank in my book." 
• Vienna described winning on the Bachelor as a "lose-lose."
• Kasey bringing the heat: "I'm going to take a Jake and wipe my Pavelka." BOOM. Roasted.
• Rated R breaks it down: "Love's a waste of time. I'm here for the money."
• Holly likes Dentist Blake because "he uses really big words." 
• Formerly engages couple Breakdancing Mike and Holly's meet was a.w.k.w.a.r.d. and great for the viewer.
• Ella thinks drama surrounds Vienna and would not want to be her. Mind you, this is the same woman who is a single mother who saw her own mother murdered. I am not trying to make light of Ella's awful tragedy - only highlight how awful it is to be Vienna.
• Jake & Vienna's A.W.K.W.A.R.D. meetup blows Holly and Mike's out of the water.
• Jake to Vienna, "You look nice. And I met Kasey."
• Then they discuss the weather. Dugan made mental note never again to discuss weather in a social setting.

The Straddling Swing Competition

Not much to discuss here outside of the following:

• Cell Phone Bill gets Gia much to most men's jealousy and promptly drops her.
• Kirk gets stuck with Erica and his herculean effort carried them far
• Michelle Money defied gravity
• In a tension filled ending, Jake & Artist Jackie knocked off Vienna and Kasey to win immunity.
• Vienna and Kasey flee to fight.
• Vienna: "I kind of expected a little more from you." OUCH. Fighting ensues.
• Vienna: "we made a promise we wouldn't fight on camera." Guffaw.
• Kasey in an attempt to make up: "I love you more than peanut butter cookies."
• Mrs. Dugan: "I need her to drown."

Jake & Jackie's Night Out

• Jake has fans. Turns out they are 11 year olds.
• BP2 turns Survivor at the House with alliances forming.
• Jake is still a sociopath.
• Dugan is more convinced than ever that Jake is the real life Patrick Bateman.
• Back at the house, C.E.M.II thinks Vienna should confront Jake.
• Vienna explains to C.E.M.II that Jake is a book that she finished . . . and would like to burn. Ok, then. 

Jake & Gia's Sit Down

• Jake's giving a rose to Vienna. Dugan doesn't understand. 
• The girls in the house don't like Gia. Dugan understands. Jealousy's a bitch.
• Gia & Jake discuss chess strategy and Virgil's Aeneid.

• Jake gives immunity to Vienna and apologizes for never getting a table at Dorsia.
• There is an idea of a Jake Pavelka; some kind of abstraction. But there is no real Jake: only an entity, something illusory. And though he can hide his cold gaze, and you can shake his hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense your lifestyles are probably comparable... He simply is not there.
• Gia bluffs Kasey very well and secures an alliance with him. Then I found the following picture showing where Gia learned her skills.

Rose Ceremony

• Rated R. doesn't like Kasey walking around like King-ding-a-ling at the rose ceremony.
• Dugan can't resist this classic:

• I won't go through all the rose recipients but Erica was my favorite, mainly for her cross promotion for ABC's Dancing With the Stars:

• Young Ally and Rated R get the boot for playing both sides.
• Until next time, my friends.

Castle Castle Winery

As we sit down for another week of the bachelor, Mrs. Dugan wanted to recapitulate her picks from opening night: Chris Landscaper to win and Roberto as the next Bachelor. She’s down to 2 of the final 5 so she gets some credit for her Miss Cleoness. Lady Dugan also shared some new Bachelor/ette news. As most of our faithful anticipate the Bachelor Pad show in August, we don’t have to wait that long to get some extra Bachelor/ette fix. In an incredible announcement, the Bachelor Video game drops July 13th. I can only assume it will create the same media firestorm as the Iphone 4.

Let’s get to the rather tame episode, friends.

5 Men Left: Chris L. Roberto, Frank, Kirk, Ty

Roberto’s Castle Date

I assume ABC has blown the show’s budget as they hand Ali and Roberto a digital camera and tell them to have fun on their date. Pictures, dancing in the street, and a picnic at a castle follow. We do learn that Roberto is a Latino Gringo with his lack of knowledge of even the names of the meals his mother cooks him. That’s 4 star gringo action for you. And Dugan understands as a Latino Gringo himself. Ali is still buying what Roberto’s selling and no one would be surprised by a rose at the end of the episode.

Frank & Ty’s Castle Date

We give (sidetrack- what does WWT give out? Thumbs up has been done. Red Light/Green Light has been done. Stars are played out.) whatever the hell WWT gives out for a helicopter. I’ll say WWT gives 3 smiling Chris Harrison’s for the helicopter on the two-on-one in Lisbon.

Ali has a lot on her mind and two-on-ones this late in a season are very awkward which makes for good viewing. Ali eventually breaks it up and Ty defends his antediluvian views and hypes a potential visit to his parents and their traditional but friendly values.

Frank and Ali are significantly more affectionate during their alone time and Frank gets past the uncomfortable fact that he lives with his parents. Ali is pretty drunk at this point and doesn't care what Frank has to say. To test her, Frank unleashes the quote of the night: “let’s live in a tree like a couple of monkeys.” This sounds like a viable plan for someone living with their parents. Yes, I know this know dooms me to live with my parents in the near future.

Kirk’s Castle Date

Holy shit, Portugal is filled with Castles.



Kirk is confused by “Once Upon a Time“ on the date card. Landscaper has to explain the fairy tale reference as dumbfounded Kirk complains, “that’s not even a sentence.” Horse Drawn carriage, castle and dinner follow. Ali seems distance for the second date in a row and the Dugans openly contemplate a Brad Womack ending?

Chris L. in Very Easy Rider

The Landscaper is dangerously close to the friend zone and Ali is demanding some movement on their relationship. Chris L wrestles the quote of the night away from Frank as they head out on a scooter:

“you better hold on…because I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing”

The scooter analogy for their relationship is hilarious and I wish I know Ali wasn’t fed the line from a producer. Ali takes over the wheel and they get to their date at a winery. Dugan’s cell phone blows up asking if the Bachelor/ette is sponsored by the Food & Wine Industry. There are copious amounts of alcohol consumed on this show. Perhaps ABC is one and the same as ABC Liquor. Ali asks if the landscaper’s crew are big wine drinkers? Yes, and that’s enough for me to believe a hometown is secured.

Rose Ceremony

No tie plus jeans as Chris L. continues the shout-outs to Casual Michael Phelps. Poor Roberto still cannot find the top button on his shirts. And the reduced budget has eliminated the swinging parties on the nights of elimination.

And the roses go to:

1. Chris L.
2. Frank
3. Roberto
4. Kirk

Ty goes home. (yes, we checked the tapes. 6/28’s previous episode spliced footage of Ty from one of the early episodes to make it seem like he gets further. Don’t underestimate the sneakiness)

Chris Harrison: Special Bachelor Update

For the faithful readers of the blog, you may recall that Dugan went great lengths to originally peg Jake during Jillian’s season as a Patrick Batemanesque character. There was just something that wasn’t right about this guy. Then he returns as the Bachelor and picks fundamentally flawed Vienna. Who would have guessed those two cute kids wouldn’t make it?

Oh, everyone? Really? Damn. Well, who would have guessed that Vienna would come out looking like a rose in comparison to Jake. Well, considering that I originally compared Jake to one of the most psychopathic characters ever created, I’ll raise my hand.

Vienna’s accusations have their own technical flaws: Claiming emotional abuse as well as no emotion from Jake. But let’s not go there. Let’s just show a clip from the movie role that Jake missed out on.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lzz4QtbTu6M

ABC has to regret this Jake decision. Or not.

I’ll leave you with this: Jake and Vienna’s arguments about GPS directions, measuring furniture and canine potty training are the lowest point in the history of broadcast television.

Congratulations on seeing the low point.

The Bachelor: Women Tell All (about Rozlyn)

The night began as it normally does in the Dugan Household, with the DVR diligently recording the Bachelor as I watch some other shows to satisfy man code (foreshadowing a Juan appearance later in blog).  And wow, was that pairs ice dancing something to watch.  The Russians received a medal, as they have every year  ice dancing has been a recognized Olympic sport, edging the Americans for Bronze as the Canadians were triumphant on home ice.  Thrilling!

Ali's Time to Explain

Then the power surged in the Dugan household.  Uh oh. DirecTV takes a while to cycle through and I ran to the supplemental tv to turn on Comcast in order to not miss a thing on the Bachelor: Women Tell All.  So, we began our viewing roughly an hour into the program with Ali's heartfelt interview with Chris Harrison. Ali blames her fears for leaving the show, explaining that she was scared of being heartbroken, mounting bills, etc.  Ali even took the high road when discussing rival Vienna with a shout-out to her rough tabloid coverage.  Ali let out a bombshell that I think was glossed over:

"If I know what I know now...I would have stayed."

What the hell happens on the finale?  Or after the Final Rose? As Jake told Kevin Fraser, we are about to get some more drama in the next couple weeks.

Elizabeth, this season's "Tori Spelling" candidate


Chris Harrison calls Elizabeth the ultimate game player and wants to find out why she played the no kissie-face game.  Who cares, after Jake drops the second bombshell of the show (perhaps not linearly due to FPL issues). Jake says he respected Tori because he had friends whose first kiss was at their wedding.  First kiss? Wedding? Is this really done? Does Jake live in Kabul, Texas? Dugan is flabbergasted.  As Jake explains that games have ruined more relationships than he would like to remember, Mrs. Dugan and I tried to think of the games Jake was alluding to...I voted Tiddly Winks, Mrs. D went with hide and seek, any thoughts from the WWT fans?

And yes, that is a link to the North American Tiddly Winks Association.  If the 15 followers of this blog click on that link, we could shut their massive server down.

Bachelor goes Real World/Road Rules on us


As has been discussed numerous times, we believe people go on the show as contestants (1 of the 25) to eventually become the one choosing.  But it turns out, people go on the show just to get into the Bachelor Reunion parties.  We got to see the old gang of favorites including No Job Rob still mixing up drinks, Erica still judging, Blond Natalie from Mesnick's season still thinking highly of herself, Kiptyn who thinks he could have kept Rozlyn's interest and a great quote from Wes: "I've kind of had my fair share of hot chicks..."

Bachelor goes United Way on us


Next, the women tell all shows how much the Bachelor cares by having former contestants chip in time and effort with local charities.  The kids from Vine Street Elementary (which this review from Yelp says is "OK" and is hampered by having to translate everything into that damn Spanish) helped paint lifeguard stands.  Mrs. Dugan and I thought that the kids were having fun but confused by who the hell they were painting with. Where are people we know like Kobe or Shaq?

Wags was not feeling sorry for the kids. These were the luckiest kids in the United States.  They might as well all be cancer kids on a "Make a Wish Foundation" outing.  They got to hang out with Breakdancing Michael. I also think DeAnna is questionably racist.  She called every little boy in there Carlos.  That's pretty dick, DeAnna.

And Juan proved his man-card by handing out food with only female bachelorettes.  And now comes the real question, who has fewer male friends, Juan or Jake?

Gia/Michelle


Gia regrets not telling Jake her true feelings.  You don't say?

I missed Crazy Eyes' segment due to FPL so please feel free to help out in the comments section.

Rozlyn's a Bad Liar


How much money do we think Rozlyn received to be part of the Women Tell All episode?  After being called out by Gia, Ashleigh, Jessie and fellow Moms Ella and Valishia, Rozlyn denies all and says they didn't see what they saw. Chris Harrison compares Roz' lies to his son's fairytales about unicorns - a classic - and recommends "the simplest story is the truth."

Gia makes an obvious point by telling Rozlyn that she could have just admitted she had feelings for producer X, aka Ryan Callahan pictured below in traditional New Zealand garb, and everyone would have understood.  Instead, Rozlyn stood her ground and called all the women liars...

and then goes after our fearless leader, Chris Harrison.  Roz alludes to Chris making passes at Ryan's wife while in New Zealand and Chris wisely does not dignify her with a response.  What could have been a beautiful love story has turned caddy and tragic.  Much like in pairs ice dancing when a fall is blamed on one partner and ruins the rest of the routine...

Next week is the finale...and you'll be back in the safe hands of Wags.

The Bachelor Episode 7: It's Still Hard to Believe Jake is the Bachelor

Welcome to the Jake fantasy date show (yuck). This week's show started with a look back at how love blossomed with the three finalists. A recap, if you will. Liz and I were graciously hosted by our friends in Sausalito, Erin and Eric. Erin astutely noticed that Vienna was wearing a locket on the first episode. The locket was open. It obviously had a picture of...wait for it...JAKE. Psycho much? If the rumors are true that Vienna wins this whole thing, this could be one of the largest lapses in judgment since Brad the Twin chose no one. On to the summary (and direct plagiarism of Dugan's format from last week's summary):

Date #1 - Gia and the Whitest Dude in America

Jake and Gia ventured to a slightly more "urban" part of St. Lucia. After Jake bought a really cool choker pukka shell necklace (and by cool, I mean cool for a sophomore at an all-guys high school...I didn't have one of those...yes I did). Then Jake started dancing with Gia next to a street musician. This was alarming. Jake is not going to be on Dancing with the Stars anytime soon. His performance makes me really happy that I named all of my fantasy baseball teams the Dancing Pavelkas (yeah, you read that right..."all of my fantasy baseball teams"...I only have three). Gia suffered from the Bachelor/ette curse of not "letting him know" how much she cares until it was too late. Gia also suffered in the media this week. Her romances with professional baseball players and hockey players along with her Heidi Montag-esque love of plastic surgery did her no favors in the court of public opinion.


Date #2 - Tenley and the Black Sand Beach


Tenley, the crowd-favorite at this point, had her date start out with another helicopter ride up on the helicopter blades of love. Tenley once again worries about being cheated on. Let me be the first to assure you Tenley, Jake is not going to cheat on you. He's perfect...remember? Jake and Tenley proceeded to a black sand beach (Tenley's first time!). They sat on the beach and had the most meaningless conversation about love. I had to ask multiple times, "What the hell are they talking about?" This platitude-filled conversation only confirmed that Tenley and Jake are perfect for each other. Tenley danced with Jake again with some flamenco music in the background. Flamenco music and the Bachelor go together like Jose Canseco and Mark McGwire. Tenley then nervously accepts the fantasy suite invite because she's a born-again virgin or something like that. She delivered my favorite line of the night when she said, "I absolutely (pause) cannot wait (pause) to (pause) watch our first sunrise together." I wasn't sure where she was headed with that one, but in hindsight, I wouldn't have expected anything else from the Little Mermaid.


Date #3 - Vienna and the Pirate Patch


In an effort at cross-promotion, Vienna and Jake went on the Pirates of the Caribbean ship. Proving that he had a dysfunctional childhood, Jake put on a pirate eye patch and then closed the uncovered eye. Vienna told him that he had to open the other eye, silly! Jake is so strange. I can't wait for my prediction that Jake has no guy friends to come true. On this date, Jake wanted to make sure "it's not just sexual" with Vienna. Do you think they've even had sex? I highly doubt it. Jake should really want to make sure that Vienna isn't going to divorce him and take half his money. At the end of their date, Jake informs Vienna that she should be aware that he has "fallen for two other women." I appreciate Jake's honesty throughout this process, but sometimes you should just shut the hell up. I can't believe that Vienna is going to win the whole thing.


Wrap Up - This is Getting to Be Too Easy


Before the rose ceremony, Ali called to see if Jake would let her come back. This is getting to be very embarrassing for Ali. One of her equally fake blond Marina-girlfriends needs to remind her that it's freaking JAKE that she's broken up about. Jake rejects her in scripted fashion by saying "you drove away with a piece of my heart." What a goober this guy is.


I once again predicted the exact order of the rose distribution. Gia got the boot and had to go out to the reject-bench (it looks like the same bench every season - Eric figured that it must get passed around like the Stanley Cup). Jake gives Gia one last neck/shoulder kiss and it was back to the group hugs inside. Until next week, when Dugan takes over the summary.