The Bachelorette Episode 2: Emily's Race Towards Love

Notice anything different?  No, Emily is still the same and Harrison is still amazing.  Our faithful viewers might notice that I renamed the blog.  What do you think?

The episode started off with a local news station's report on how this season is going to draw attention to Charlotte.  I know nothing about Charlotte so this should be grrrrreat.

Solo Date - Uncle Rico Ryan

As Uncle Rico prepared for his date, all of the men were around the pool.  What do chest hair and minorities have in common?  Neither of them are on the Bachelorette.

Uncle Rico struck out on his date theme when Emily drove him to her house and said that he had to make cookies for soccer practice.  Some guys get bungee jumping in Interlaken, and some have to sit in the car as the Bachelorette drops off juice boxes.  

At night, Uncle Rico got a date on the town in Charlotte at "Osso," one of Charlotte's most popular restaurants...but only because Emily went there.  

At the end of the date, Uncle Rico said that Emily "looks best in the kitchen."  Whoa Nellie.  Emily found that charming.  Maybe I just don't understand Southern charm, honey boo boo child.  

Though maybe "too perfect," Uncle Rico took the date rose.

Group Date - Ollie Handro, Nate, Allesandro, Plywood Tony, Michael, SLC Jef, Trauma Charlie, Kyle, MC Stevie, Kalon Hilfiger, Mr. Aaron, Chris, Wolf

The massive group date was at a theater with the Muppets.  The guys had the task of performing with the muppets for charity.  Plywood Tony proceeded to do a shocking (in quality and pitch) impression of Miss Piggy.  

Trauma Charlie feared his impending stand-up performance.  Who can blame him?  According to Uncle Rico, Trauma Charlie "fell off a balcony and smashed his face."  Trauma Charlie then told Emily that he has a speech disability that he is working on, thus he would rather sing the Rainbow Connection.  MC Stevie was wearing a newsboy hat, so he must also have some sort of impediment, but he made no excuses.  

Overall, the show was predictably disappointing.  The best part for the audience was that a portion of the ticket price is a tax write off.  

Illogical side note: Emily wouldn't introduce Uncle Rico to her daughter Rickie, but she was in the audience at the Muppet show watching all these guys profess their love to her mom.  

Later on in the night at the fireplace cocktail hour, the drama started with MC Stevie slow dancing with Emily.  Kalon Hilfiger cut in, drawing MC Stevie's ire.  Karma proved to be shrew (synonym of bitch) when Mr. Aaron cut off his date time.  MC Stevie called out Kalon Hilfiger for his complaining, thus starting our first rivalry of guys that have no chance to win.

SLC Jef with one f got the rose.

Solo Date - Leprechaun Joe

This date put Uncle Rico's date to shame.  Emily flew Joe to West Virginia where Emily used to "summer" at the Greenbrier.  Here's a picture of it (no joke):

Back at the house, Kalon Hilfiger criticized Father Doug for "putting his father duties on hold."  Fr. Doug told Kalon to watch his mouth and apologize because Doug only came on the show "once his son told him to."  I'm calling Leprechaun Joe shenanigans on a 12-year-old asking his father to leave for three months.  Ask Kevin McCallister how that worked out:

Back on the date, Leprechaun Joe made the early promise to pack up his bags and move wherever she wants him to move.  I wonder what he is running from?  Maybe his "Field Energy Advisor" job?

Unfortunately, Joe is only going to be running home to LA to continue offering advice to all of the fields with the most energy.

Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party

It's 10:37 pm.  I'm fading quickly.  Mrs. Wags has already headed to bed.  Self pep talk: stay strong.  You can finish this!

My favorite part of the cocktail party was when one of the guys said that Kalon "uses his vocabulary to show his dominance."  I'm absolutely saying that line tomorrow at work.

Additional roses went to Kalon Hlifiger, Indy Arie, Michael Ponytail, Nate, Sean, Bobblehead Chris, Father Doug, Travis, Plywood Tony, Wolf, Alessandro, Trauma Charlie, Ollie Handro (she actually pronounced it pretty well tonight), and MC Stevie (no guy that goes by Stevie is ever going to win this).

Goodbye Mr. Aaron and Kyle.

Until next week with some country music superstars...

The Bachelor Episode 7: It's Still Hard to Believe Jake is the Bachelor

Welcome to the Jake fantasy date show (yuck). This week's show started with a look back at how love blossomed with the three finalists. A recap, if you will. Liz and I were graciously hosted by our friends in Sausalito, Erin and Eric. Erin astutely noticed that Vienna was wearing a locket on the first episode. The locket was open. It obviously had a picture of...wait for it...JAKE. Psycho much? If the rumors are true that Vienna wins this whole thing, this could be one of the largest lapses in judgment since Brad the Twin chose no one. On to the summary (and direct plagiarism of Dugan's format from last week's summary):

Date #1 - Gia and the Whitest Dude in America

Jake and Gia ventured to a slightly more "urban" part of St. Lucia. After Jake bought a really cool choker pukka shell necklace (and by cool, I mean cool for a sophomore at an all-guys high school...I didn't have one of those...yes I did). Then Jake started dancing with Gia next to a street musician. This was alarming. Jake is not going to be on Dancing with the Stars anytime soon. His performance makes me really happy that I named all of my fantasy baseball teams the Dancing Pavelkas (yeah, you read that right..."all of my fantasy baseball teams"...I only have three). Gia suffered from the Bachelor/ette curse of not "letting him know" how much she cares until it was too late. Gia also suffered in the media this week. Her romances with professional baseball players and hockey players along with her Heidi Montag-esque love of plastic surgery did her no favors in the court of public opinion.


Date #2 - Tenley and the Black Sand Beach


Tenley, the crowd-favorite at this point, had her date start out with another helicopter ride up on the helicopter blades of love. Tenley once again worries about being cheated on. Let me be the first to assure you Tenley, Jake is not going to cheat on you. He's perfect...remember? Jake and Tenley proceeded to a black sand beach (Tenley's first time!). They sat on the beach and had the most meaningless conversation about love. I had to ask multiple times, "What the hell are they talking about?" This platitude-filled conversation only confirmed that Tenley and Jake are perfect for each other. Tenley danced with Jake again with some flamenco music in the background. Flamenco music and the Bachelor go together like Jose Canseco and Mark McGwire. Tenley then nervously accepts the fantasy suite invite because she's a born-again virgin or something like that. She delivered my favorite line of the night when she said, "I absolutely (pause) cannot wait (pause) to (pause) watch our first sunrise together." I wasn't sure where she was headed with that one, but in hindsight, I wouldn't have expected anything else from the Little Mermaid.


Date #3 - Vienna and the Pirate Patch


In an effort at cross-promotion, Vienna and Jake went on the Pirates of the Caribbean ship. Proving that he had a dysfunctional childhood, Jake put on a pirate eye patch and then closed the uncovered eye. Vienna told him that he had to open the other eye, silly! Jake is so strange. I can't wait for my prediction that Jake has no guy friends to come true. On this date, Jake wanted to make sure "it's not just sexual" with Vienna. Do you think they've even had sex? I highly doubt it. Jake should really want to make sure that Vienna isn't going to divorce him and take half his money. At the end of their date, Jake informs Vienna that she should be aware that he has "fallen for two other women." I appreciate Jake's honesty throughout this process, but sometimes you should just shut the hell up. I can't believe that Vienna is going to win the whole thing.


Wrap Up - This is Getting to Be Too Easy


Before the rose ceremony, Ali called to see if Jake would let her come back. This is getting to be very embarrassing for Ali. One of her equally fake blond Marina-girlfriends needs to remind her that it's freaking JAKE that she's broken up about. Jake rejects her in scripted fashion by saying "you drove away with a piece of my heart." What a goober this guy is.


I once again predicted the exact order of the rose distribution. Gia got the boot and had to go out to the reject-bench (it looks like the same bench every season - Eric figured that it must get passed around like the Stanley Cup). Jake gives Gia one last neck/shoulder kiss and it was back to the group hugs inside. Until next week, when Dugan takes over the summary.