The Bachelorette Finale: From the Perspective of Arie

Ok, a day late and a rose short, but here we go with the finale recap from Arie. First, I was concerned that SLC Jef met with Emily's family before me. But then I saw he decided on a white tee to impress the in-laws. I like my chances.

As for the family, I am pretty sure Suzy smokes a carton a day, used to date the Marlboro man and is not going to stand in anyone's way. Dad's gonna be tough nut to crack. And playing the role of Emily's brother is Corporate Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs. 

There is a little too much dead fiance and Brad talk here. Jef is screwed.

My chance to meet my future in-laws

I decided to match Jef's casual look and wore pajamas. Dad doesn’t want to waste my time. But I get a little nervous and waste everyone's time talking nonsense. I decide to break the ice talking to Dad and Corporate Buffalo Bill Ernie about fishing…

I continue...

I am a little behind the 8 ball and need to bring the heat. I drop my single mother bomb to show how serious I am. I pass the Dad and Suzy test and only have Corporate Buffalo Bill Ernie left to talk with.

Ok, I'll settle with you. Ernie freaked me out. There is a reason I race in Indy and not Nascar. Ernie told me I have a pirty mouth.

Jef's Date

Emily and Jef get a beach date – boring. Jef weasels his way into seeing Ricki and does a pretty good job breaking the ice. I could be in trouble. I wonder what scrapbook type gift Jef has planned. A book about curacao? Really? Emily, I'll get you the Indy 500 trophy.

Then Emily says she'll keep the coffee book "forever.” That is going to look so awkward on our coffee table in Scottsdale. 

(SIDEBAR - Where do these great gifts from bachelor/ette losers go? I want Blakeley’s scrap book!!! Please tell me there is a market for this paraphernalia.)

Uh oh. Did she just drop a “honey” when saying goodbye to Jef???

Honda commercial

Emily, did you notice the Honda commercial playing during the finale? It offered a ride with Mario Andretti or Arie Luyendyk. During the finale, were there commercials about Jef's father? I doubt it.

My Date with a Witch Doctor

Ok, I am beginning this date with an old witch doctor. Just your normal date. I am making a love potion. God, I hope this works. Emily always thought it would be me. Thought? Past tense? WTF?!?

This is pretty embarrassing. I just made a love potion for no reason. At least I didn't have to buy a ring from Neil Lane. But I also didn't get to meet Neil Lane. Is meeting Neil Lane worth proposing and being rejected? I think so. Now I am really upset. I didn't even get to meet Neil Lane.

My thoughts on the final rose ceremony 

I don't really know because I wasn't there.

See everyone next season on the Bachelor.

The Bachelorette Finale: From the Perspective of SLC Jef

This week, affectionately dubbed by my cousin Michael as the WWTB "super bowl, will be written from the perspective of both SLC Jef and Indy Arie.  Dugan had first pick on which perspective to write, and he chose Indy Arie (likely Emily's choice as well).

So let's begin SLC Jef's imagined perspective:

So I get to meet Emily's parents.  I brought them flowers and hair mousse.  I spent so much time on my hair that I did not have any time left to choose a shirt.  In the end, I just wore my white undershirt.

I had a chance to sit down with Emily's mom.  She seemed a little skeptical of my ability to be a stepdad (is it the hair?).  I borrowed a movie line and told her that Emily's completes me.  Works EVERY time!

I got a chance to speak to Meat Head, Emily's brother.  I asked him if Emily is "ready to settle down?"  He said, "Oh no, she won't settle."  We might be having a Mormon-Christian disconnect.

Finally, I wanted to get Emily's dad's approval to ask Emily to marry me.  He quickly gave me approval as long as I am sincere.  I sure hope Arie doesn't seem sincere.  He probably won't, right?  Right?

My Opponent Shows Up


I really need Arie to blow it with Emily's family since Emily is still probably regretting not taking him into the fantasy suite.  An uphill battle, I know.  Arie kept talking about how he dated a single mother.  WHAT!?  Did he mention this before?  That rat bastard must have strategically saved this information until the end.

After getting her Dad's approval (too easily), Arie left after some making out.  Even I might have to admit that she has a better connection with Arie.

My Last Date 


I got to have one last date with Emily at the beach.  I thought I would make a different impression this time and wear a gray shirt.  Maybe my wardrobe change will do the trick.

Since I am basically a big kid (remember my skateboard?), I really need to meet Ricki in order to win this thing.  After five boring minutes of my begging, it worked!  I'll bet Arie won't get to meet her.  Just me, right?  Right?

I got to meet Ricki!  Emily said that it really great to watch me play with Ricki because it "shows where my head it at."  She gets me.  Especially my six-year-old mentality.

Emily then said she feels "differently" about me than anyone she's met in a long time.  Since she wanted to get it on with Arie, what does "differently" mean?  I sure hope it's not a little brother thing.

I'd like to take a moment to thank Fleiss and Co. for making it look like I have a chance.

Interview with Harrison


Emily had a counseling session with Harrison before her date with Arie.

Did I just hear her say that she doesn't even want to have the date with Arie because she's on a different level with me!?  MY SKATEBOARD SCHTICK WORKED.  The underdog will prevail.

Now I really get to enjoy this episode of Arie looking like a fool.  Have fun with that "love potion" buddy.  Prediction: it's not going to work.  Is it going to be "amazing to hear the words" that she loves you?  Nope.  It's going to feel good to hear that you're getting dumped!

Breakup


Arie handled it like a champ.  I have to give him credit.  On the other hand, if Emily is choosing me and is so confident about it, why is she sobbing and blathering on about how great Arie was?  She kicked everyone else to the curb with ease, but not Arie.

Neil Lane


Now that Arie is officially a loser...bring on Neil Lane!  I'm ready for some wisdom:
1) "A ring brings joy."
2) "Round diamond set in pink gold...very symbolic."
3) "That's a great ring.  I think she'll love it." (at 8 carats, that's a reasonable prediction)

Proposal


Was it fair that I was nervous to propose?  Yes.  Everyone thought Arie was the one.  Should I have been nervous in hindsight?  Obviously, no.

Emily told me that I was the only one that got to meet Ricki, and I'm the only one standing.  Didn't really see that coming.  Now how am I going to introduce my Southern Christian fiancé to my Mormon parents?  I guess you can't fit every important life conversation in a six week courtship.

I proposed.  She said yes.

Best part: the final song.  Add this to the soundtrack.



Do I have a lot in common with Daniel-san?  The answer is yes.  I'm a champion.

The Bachelorette: Castoffs Race to Get Airtime

On Sunday, Mrs. Wags said to me, what are we doing this week?  I replied, "I'm not sure, but I definitely will be watching the Bachelorette MTA (men tell all) tomorrow."  She quickly said, "I'm not watching that sh*t."  Whoa whoa whoa.  We're one step closer to duganandwagstv.blogspot.com

Don't worry fans.  We only have one TV.  Thus, let the show begin.  

Though this is the Bachelorette MTA, it's really just the last chance for the guys to audition to be on the Bachelor Pad.  Better make a good (i.e. crazy) impression for Fleiss and Co.

The show started with a three minute teaser showing the men telling all.  After seeing it, I feel that I don't really need to watch the rest of the episode.  But I will.  If not for me; for Ricki.

According to Emily, Ricki has not been effected by the show at all.  I checked the New England Journal of Medicine: studies show that reality show children don't start showing negative signs until they get to college.  Watch out sophomore year:

Chris B. Harrison interviewed Emily and showed the blooper reel.  Emily spilled wine on her dress and swore during her date with Joe.  Egg Man made Emily sing Twinkle Twinkle to his egg.  Indy Arie's brothers spied on them as they made out (as awkward as it sounds).  Bobblehead Chris danced like I do (tall and poorly).

Bachelor Pad Preview


Tempers will flare this season on the Bachelor Pad.  They previewed someone wielding a knife.  There are strangers/super fans joining the season.  Kalon, Plywood Tony, and Bobblehead made it from this season.  Good choices?  I'm not sure.  I would have preferred Uncle Rico Ryan, Fr. Doug, or Trauma Charlie to go along with Bobblehead Chris.

MTA


There are some total losers on this stage.  This sums up my expression as I watch this:

Just kidding.  I look more like this:

Bobblehead Chris picked the first fight of the night. He is still hung up on the "maturity" issue.  He boasted to the other guys on the dais that he made it further than anyone else.

The fight turned to Kalon and his bad attitude.  Trauma Charlie said "Dude, I wanted to (bleeping') knock you out, dude."  What an insensitive thing for a guy that recently suffered a massive head injury to say.

I was always surprised that Kourtney let Kalon go on the Bachelorette.

The focus turned to Uncle Rico, hated for his confident attitude and strangely coiffed beard.  Uncle Rico kept talking about how great he is and how he is a football player.  ABC was more interested in Uncle Rico than the NFL:

Ryan Bowers  

Height: 6-2   Weight: 210   Age: 31

Born: 8/6/1980

College: Presbyterian

Experience: 0 Season

REC

0

YDS

0

AVG

0.0

TDS

0

• Profile
• Career Stats
• Game Logs

CAREER STATSMORE
This player does not have any statistics...

Non-sequitur: how do we get tickets to be in the studio audience?  How great would it be if Dugan and I could be in the audience amongst all the ladies hoping to score a date with lovable loser Sean?

Bobblehead Chris (4th place Chris, Anger Management Chris) was up next on the hot seat.  Chris once again proved that he does not seem like the kind of guy that handles the "ex" role very well.  Seems like he might show up at your doorstep in the rain...with a bat.

Chris said he might seem angry because everything he does is for love, and that he's "lost a couple friends."  This guy is not stable.

Sean, every lady's favorite, joined Harrison on the main stage.  He believes in true love after heart break.  Snooze.

Finally, Emily joined Harrison on stage.  Mrs. Wags thinks Emily is possibly the most relaxed, self-assured Bachelorette or Bachelor of all time.  I think I agree.

There were lots of apologies back and forth between Emily and the guys.  BUT, when Kalon attempted to apologize, Emily called him on being full of crap because she saw on twitter that Kalon had recently called Ricki "baggage" (again).  Lesson: don't insult Ricki.  Emily will take you down.

MTA ended with more bloopers.

Until next week with Neil Lane.

The Bachelorette Almost Fantasy Suite Episode: Emily's Race to Love

We are introduced to beautiful Curacao for the fantasy suite episode with Sean, SLC Jef and Indy Arie. As Mrs. Dugan and the lil' Dugans are vacationing, I got to play the part of Fleiss & Co. this past weekend setting up my own fantasy suite date in the Florida Keys for former Tank Bachelor candidate Matt H. and Terrier Friend C.A.. Enough for inside baseball, let's get back to the episode. How does one bachelor blogging father keep what self respect they have left? Make sure the Home Run Derby is on the second TV.

Emily begins the episode lauding the three remaining guys with compliments: 

• Sean
• "Immediate connection, would be best dad ever"
• "Only wants to get married once"
• "Always be there for her"
• "Deeper than butterflies" I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. BLAH BLAH BLAH.  – Do these people talk about actual life? Whether they will have joint checking accounts, religious beliefs, political beliefs…anything of significance?!?
• SLC Jef
• "own person, marches to own drum"
• "likes guys with an edge"
• "Quirky sense of humor"
• "Gets me in a way nobody else does"
• "Would make the best husband and the best step dad ever"
• Indy Arie
• Immediate connection (her thing for race car drivers...I'm looking at you Little E, Junior, Junebug)
• I keep wondering if they are grooming Arie to be the next bachelor?
• "Be my best friend, love me forever"

Emily concludes the prologue with the same speech given every year about falling for 3 guys at the same time and worrying about sending the wrong one home.  

Emily's Inquisition of Sean

What is Sean's big problem?  He has not dropped the L bomb yet. What does Sean have going for him? He gets to spend the day at Klein Island in Curacao.

This is the first episode of the season that there have been chinks in the Sean armor. His family opened him up to criticism based on past relationships. In conceited fashion, Sean says he maintained distance to prevent girlfriends from getting attached. I don't think Sean is helping himself and he knows it. What does Sean do? Offers up quote of the season material to change the subject: “So, I saw the snorkel stuff in the bag. Lets use it.” HILARIOUS. Sean, you win forever.

Later, at dinner, I start to wonder about Sean's chances. Does anyone believe that Sean likes Emily? Doubt is creeping. When he starts reading a letter to Ricki, I roll my eyes and think there is no way that’s his handwriting. I start to question if the same producer that dated Indy Arie writes all these notes. Then, the Fantasy Suite card comes out. Hmmmmm. Pretty, pretty similar.

As for that Fantasy Suite card , Emily gives him the boot. Woa. 

Sailing with SLC Jef

SLC Jef and Emily sail to an island for some paddle-surfing, cliff jumping and beach time. SLC Jef assures Emily that she passed his family's expectations. Now that she passed his family's test, SLC wants to meet Ricki to know if it can work with her. 

Before dinner, SLC offers a ridiculous quote. It's so bad I feel bad about typing it: “Sun is setting here in Curacao, but for me and Emily a whole life together is starting” – oh gad.

Dinner with SLC Jef

I appreciate that SLC Jef is getting past platitudes and asking real questions. 

• Where do you want to live? 
• Why can’t you find a guy? 
• Am I a good fit for Ricki?

SLC Jef says no to the fantasy suite card out of respect. Strong move. She wanted to turn him down but he beat her to the punch. 

Sailing with Indy Arie

Indy Arie and Emily are going swimming with wild dolphins in the ocean. This is not Sea World. Dugan has done this. Here.

But I did it at that lighthouse. And I completely understand why Emily was scared. But Indy Arie was not scared swimming with Dolphins proving he’d be a great dad. Seriously? I don't follow.

Over dinner, Emily keeps talking about how hard it will be to turn down the fantasy suite with Indy Arie. But she wants to know what Indy Arie is like on just a regular day. Not a day at the track, but just a regular day. 

What does Indy Arie do? “I sleep in and go out almost every meal.” I half-heartedly expected Emily to say that's why she thinks Arie is ready to be a father. She is willing to forgive Arie pretty much anything to get back together with a race car driver.

The Rose Ceremony

The guys make videos for Emily. I’ll recap the videos: the guys like her. It's island casual theme for the rose ceremony. And the first rose goes to SLC JEF! SHOCKED! Then Indy Arie. Less shocked, but still pretty surprised with SLC Jef over Sean. His lack of a nickname proved fatal.

Who is most happy about this decision?

But let's take a closer look at Sean's exit.

It looks pretty desolate. 1am? 2am? We know the early-season rose ceremonies go late. How about later in the season? I checked the departures for the Curacao airport (see link). Sorry, Sean, you are not flying direct out of Curacao back to Texas. Shit, you aren't going anywhere for a while. So that really means the drive away is just for show and he returns back to the hotel with all the crew, Emily, SLC and Indy. Ouch.

Until next week and the Men Tell All. 

The Bachelorette Hometown Episode: Emily's Race to Love

Who needs the Olympic Trials!?  I only watch if you can win a gold.  And tonight, Emily gets one step closer to the gold.

From Left to Right: Bob Costas, Ryan Lochte, Michael Phelps, Nastia Liukin, and SLC Jef (nobody could legitimately mistake him for an athlete).  Not pictured: Bobblehead Chris (there's no chance he medals).

After a quick trip around the globe, well, Western Europe, Emily's race to love returned to the United States.  And also Utah.

Before hometown dates, Emily recapped the guys and their good qualities.

1) Bobblehead Chris: knows how to admit when he's wrong
2) SLC Jef: adventurous, good husband and father
3) Indy Arie: good kisser, fun, romantic
4) Sean: good heart, gentlemen, perfect life

Did I mention Bobblehead has no chance?

Chicago with Bobblehead Chris


Chris started off the date by revealing a big secret.  He's actually the only minority on the show.  He's "first generation Polish-American."  On a scale of "one to Polish," he's Polish (Chris's joke, not mine).  It appears that the lawsuit against ABC might be in trouble as long as Chris is around.

Emily and Chris went to a Polish bar and rehashed the last rose ceremony. Chris apologized again.  Emily repeated that Chris would be a great husband because he knows how to admit his wrongs.  Emily's future husband: a very apologetic baby maker.

Chris's dad was pretty awesome.  A thick Polish accent.  The top two buttons of his shirt undone.  An intense gold chain.  He kind of seemed like governor-of-California material.

Chris's sister Renee asked Emily to let him go if Chris is not the one.  I would be scared of her if I were Emily.  Did it seem a bit like Renee was doing her best to copy Emily's physical appearance?

Bobblehead Renee doing her best Emily impersonation.

At the end of the date, Chris kept saying he's in love with Emily.  This process is not going to end well for him.

Utah with SLC Jef


Predictably, Jef's family lives on a ranch.  A ranch would provide lots of privacy (read: cover) from government officials trying to crack down on his family's religious freedom.

SLC Jef took Emily out shooting at clay pigeons.  Emily pulled a Sante Fe switch and did not tell Jef that she's a semi-professional marksman.  Maybe these two have more in common that we thought.

Or maybe they don't.  Jef introduced Emily to about half of his family:

Have you ever hung out with one of those people that always kind of seems like they are quoting the bible?  That's Jef's brother Steve.

I was too busy researching the fundamentalist Mormon Church, and I missed where Jef's parents were? Could someone please enlighten me in the comment section.

Jef is looking more and more like Alby Grant.

Phoenix with Indy Arie


This date predictably started on a racetrack.  Emily did not take Jef up on his offer to bring one of the guns with her and shoot Arie in the leg.

Arie expressed concern that his parents are very European.  What's the big deal?  Europeans are just like us.

Photo courtesy of Dugan

Arie's mom looked like a cross between Elizabeth Banks and Frau Farbissina from Austin Powers.  Her name is Mieke.  Paging Stieg Larsson.  

Arie's family is obviously very wealthy.  Has the contestant from the wealthy family ever won?  There's at least one every year, and if memory serves, I don't think they usually fare well.   I'm going to have to scour the Bachelor archives on Netflix. 

I guess the date is over.  Somewhat uneventful overall.

Dallas with Sean

Sean has a big secret.  Fleiss and Co. have been teasing us the whole episode.  Will his "secret" make bigger headlines than Anderson Cooper's announcement today?  We'll know in a few short minutes.  

Emily met Sean's family.  He has a niece named Kensington and a nephew named Smith.  Where are we going as a society?

Sean's big secret was that he lives at home.  Emily, reeling in horror, put on a good face as Sean took her to his bedroom filled with stuffed animals and half-eaten cookies.  Once we saw the room, it was obviously a joke.  And not a very funny one.  I would have preferred the secret to be that Sean has two dads.  If you watched the episode, you would know that would not have been too far-fetched.  

After sharing a Cinemax-style kiss, Emily was off to make her decision. 

Roses


Three roses for four guys.  As always, musical chairs style.

The first rose goes to Indy Arie.

The second rose to SLC Jef.

The final rose of the night to Sean.

In a major blow to Polish-Americans, Bobblehead Chris is headed home, but not without a fight.  Chris took an angry tone with her on the way out.  Seems like some anger management classes might be in the offing.

Until next week in Curacao (the island, not the drink).