The Bachelor Pad II: Setting the Scene

Chris Harrison explains that the Bachelor Pad is the "home to the men and women who did not find lasting love on the Bachelor or Bachelorette." To the fans and friends of WWT, BP is simply awesome. Fleiss & Co. do a great job of mixing fan and blog favorites as well as enemies. But 3 hours was tough to handle.

The Enemies List:

• Rated R from Bachelorette Ally's season doesn't want to see his enemy Kasey. He will see Kasey.
• Kasey from Ally's season doesn't want to see former Bachelorette Jake. Kasey will see Jake. 
• Jake wants to see Vienna, his former fiance, who doesn't want to see him. It will happen.
• Vienna also doesn't want to see Gia from Jake's season and BP1. That will happen.
• Holly doesn't want to see Breakdancing Mike. Whoops.

The Rest:

• Dentist Blake, El Douche and Cell Phone Bill from the recently completed season of the Bachelorette
• Erica from Lorenzo's season who explains what won't get in her way of winning: "my morals" 
• Momma Ella from Jake's season got more attractive and relayed an awful story about witnessing her mother's murder at the hands of her step-father
• Graham from Deanna's season
• Young Alli from Brad's season? I don't really remember what season she was in. I remember this: From Ohio with a well endowed personality and was kept around late in a season without ever getting much one on one time. And once she got it, she was cut. Doesn't say much for her real personality.
• Crazy Melissa. All I remember is bat shit crazy.
• Kirk from Alli's season - everyone should remember that home date with the taxidermy in his father's basement.

Highlights from the Meet & Greet

• Gia explains that "Vienna is so skank in my book." 
• Vienna described winning on the Bachelor as a "lose-lose."
• Kasey bringing the heat: "I'm going to take a Jake and wipe my Pavelka." BOOM. Roasted.
• Rated R breaks it down: "Love's a waste of time. I'm here for the money."
• Holly likes Dentist Blake because "he uses really big words." 
• Formerly engages couple Breakdancing Mike and Holly's meet was a.w.k.w.a.r.d. and great for the viewer.
• Ella thinks drama surrounds Vienna and would not want to be her. Mind you, this is the same woman who is a single mother who saw her own mother murdered. I am not trying to make light of Ella's awful tragedy - only highlight how awful it is to be Vienna.
• Jake & Vienna's A.W.K.W.A.R.D. meetup blows Holly and Mike's out of the water.
• Jake to Vienna, "You look nice. And I met Kasey."
• Then they discuss the weather. Dugan made mental note never again to discuss weather in a social setting.

The Straddling Swing Competition

Not much to discuss here outside of the following:

• Cell Phone Bill gets Gia much to most men's jealousy and promptly drops her.
• Kirk gets stuck with Erica and his herculean effort carried them far
• Michelle Money defied gravity
• In a tension filled ending, Jake & Artist Jackie knocked off Vienna and Kasey to win immunity.
• Vienna and Kasey flee to fight.
• Vienna: "I kind of expected a little more from you." OUCH. Fighting ensues.
• Vienna: "we made a promise we wouldn't fight on camera." Guffaw.
• Kasey in an attempt to make up: "I love you more than peanut butter cookies."
• Mrs. Dugan: "I need her to drown."

Jake & Jackie's Night Out

• Jake has fans. Turns out they are 11 year olds.
• BP2 turns Survivor at the House with alliances forming.
• Jake is still a sociopath.
• Dugan is more convinced than ever that Jake is the real life Patrick Bateman.
• Back at the house, C.E.M.II thinks Vienna should confront Jake.
• Vienna explains to C.E.M.II that Jake is a book that she finished . . . and would like to burn. Ok, then. 

Jake & Gia's Sit Down

• Jake's giving a rose to Vienna. Dugan doesn't understand. 
• The girls in the house don't like Gia. Dugan understands. Jealousy's a bitch.
• Gia & Jake discuss chess strategy and Virgil's Aeneid.

• Jake gives immunity to Vienna and apologizes for never getting a table at Dorsia.
• There is an idea of a Jake Pavelka; some kind of abstraction. But there is no real Jake: only an entity, something illusory. And though he can hide his cold gaze, and you can shake his hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense your lifestyles are probably comparable... He simply is not there.
• Gia bluffs Kasey very well and secures an alliance with him. Then I found the following picture showing where Gia learned her skills.

Rose Ceremony

• Rated R. doesn't like Kasey walking around like King-ding-a-ling at the rose ceremony.
• Dugan can't resist this classic:

• I won't go through all the rose recipients but Erica was my favorite, mainly for her cross promotion for ABC's Dancing With the Stars:

• Young Ally and Rated R get the boot for playing both sides.
• Until next time, my friends.

The Bachelor Episode 7: It's Still Hard to Believe Jake is the Bachelor

Welcome to the Jake fantasy date show (yuck). This week's show started with a look back at how love blossomed with the three finalists. A recap, if you will. Liz and I were graciously hosted by our friends in Sausalito, Erin and Eric. Erin astutely noticed that Vienna was wearing a locket on the first episode. The locket was open. It obviously had a picture of...wait for it...JAKE. Psycho much? If the rumors are true that Vienna wins this whole thing, this could be one of the largest lapses in judgment since Brad the Twin chose no one. On to the summary (and direct plagiarism of Dugan's format from last week's summary):

Date #1 - Gia and the Whitest Dude in America

Jake and Gia ventured to a slightly more "urban" part of St. Lucia. After Jake bought a really cool choker pukka shell necklace (and by cool, I mean cool for a sophomore at an all-guys high school...I didn't have one of those...yes I did). Then Jake started dancing with Gia next to a street musician. This was alarming. Jake is not going to be on Dancing with the Stars anytime soon. His performance makes me really happy that I named all of my fantasy baseball teams the Dancing Pavelkas (yeah, you read that right..."all of my fantasy baseball teams"...I only have three). Gia suffered from the Bachelor/ette curse of not "letting him know" how much she cares until it was too late. Gia also suffered in the media this week. Her romances with professional baseball players and hockey players along with her Heidi Montag-esque love of plastic surgery did her no favors in the court of public opinion.


Date #2 - Tenley and the Black Sand Beach


Tenley, the crowd-favorite at this point, had her date start out with another helicopter ride up on the helicopter blades of love. Tenley once again worries about being cheated on. Let me be the first to assure you Tenley, Jake is not going to cheat on you. He's perfect...remember? Jake and Tenley proceeded to a black sand beach (Tenley's first time!). They sat on the beach and had the most meaningless conversation about love. I had to ask multiple times, "What the hell are they talking about?" This platitude-filled conversation only confirmed that Tenley and Jake are perfect for each other. Tenley danced with Jake again with some flamenco music in the background. Flamenco music and the Bachelor go together like Jose Canseco and Mark McGwire. Tenley then nervously accepts the fantasy suite invite because she's a born-again virgin or something like that. She delivered my favorite line of the night when she said, "I absolutely (pause) cannot wait (pause) to (pause) watch our first sunrise together." I wasn't sure where she was headed with that one, but in hindsight, I wouldn't have expected anything else from the Little Mermaid.


Date #3 - Vienna and the Pirate Patch


In an effort at cross-promotion, Vienna and Jake went on the Pirates of the Caribbean ship. Proving that he had a dysfunctional childhood, Jake put on a pirate eye patch and then closed the uncovered eye. Vienna told him that he had to open the other eye, silly! Jake is so strange. I can't wait for my prediction that Jake has no guy friends to come true. On this date, Jake wanted to make sure "it's not just sexual" with Vienna. Do you think they've even had sex? I highly doubt it. Jake should really want to make sure that Vienna isn't going to divorce him and take half his money. At the end of their date, Jake informs Vienna that she should be aware that he has "fallen for two other women." I appreciate Jake's honesty throughout this process, but sometimes you should just shut the hell up. I can't believe that Vienna is going to win the whole thing.


Wrap Up - This is Getting to Be Too Easy


Before the rose ceremony, Ali called to see if Jake would let her come back. This is getting to be very embarrassing for Ali. One of her equally fake blond Marina-girlfriends needs to remind her that it's freaking JAKE that she's broken up about. Jake rejects her in scripted fashion by saying "you drove away with a piece of my heart." What a goober this guy is.


I once again predicted the exact order of the rose distribution. Gia got the boot and had to go out to the reject-bench (it looks like the same bench every season - Eric figured that it must get passed around like the Stanley Cup). Jake gives Gia one last neck/shoulder kiss and it was back to the group hugs inside. Until next week, when Dugan takes over the summary.