The Bachelor Season 27: Episode 1: Where the Hell is Chris Harrison?

 

Yes, Dugan and Wags are back! It's been almost 4 years since our last Bachelor/ette blog post and we have decided we owed it to our devoted and rabid fans. We go again and give them what they have not asked for: our return. Ladies and Gents, to the recap!

While I gather that devoted fans are up to date on the coming and goings of Chris Harrison and Jesse Palmer, this is still new to me and takes some getting used to. Fortunately, we have Bachelor legend Sean to help introduce the Texas Tech Executive. A note on that on that Tech Executive part - I don't think Zach's career was mentioned once in the show. This is a big change over the show's multi-decade run. I have to remember that I keep getting older as a viewer while the participants stay the same age.

Dugan watching the Bachelor

Zach Facts

• Tall
• Texan
• Played college football for Cal Poly but roots for Southern Cal. Most of our fans know this could be problematic for Wags and I but he totally redeemed himself with the former college DJ thing.
• He seems like a genuine guy and here for the right reasons. 

Let's meet the Women!

Bailey is a 27 year old executive recruiter from Nashville. Something is going on with her eyes, can't tell if good or crazy or both.

Katherine is a 27 year old Registered Nurse from Tampa that's giving off some Gisele vibes.

Christina Mandrell is a 26 year old content creator from Nashville with a 5 year old daughter. I'm fairly certain the target audience of this show has no idea who Barbara Mandrell and the Mandrell Sisters are but they are legit famous. Her aunt Barbara is one of a few women to win the Country Music Association's Entertainer of the Year award, and one of only two women (alongside Taylor Swift) to win the award twice. This is a long way of saying that "the Mandrell Daughter" may not be here for the right reasons.

Charity - is a 26 year olf children’s therapist from Columbus, GA.

Greer - is a 24 year old Medical Sales Rep from Houston, TX who does not know how to open champagne. No, you do not shake it to open.

Contents Under Pressure

Brooklyn - was born in Texas, lives in Stillwater and is named after an NYC borough. Are you confused yet? It gets weirder. She is a 25 year old "rodeo racer.”

Brianna - is a 24 year old Entrepreneur from Jersey City! What what, Jersey in the House! She also received the first impression rose from America, owns a beauty company and models and has Caribbean roots.

Kaity - is one of those old looking 27 year olds from Austin Texas. She's an ER nurse who managed to bring up her ex and cheating immediately.

The Universe is speaking to you, Zach.

It's Limo Time and we get to meet more young ladies.

• Jess is a 23 year old from Central Florida who may have been glitter bombed in the limo.
• Ariel is a 28 marketing exec from NYC who whined about her travel drama. I see you, Ariel, I feel you.
• Charity explains that her name “means love.” It does? I thought it meant "charity"
• Davia is a 25 year old marketing manager from Charleston SC who was giving off strong M3GAN vibes.

No, Davia, I do not.

• Gabi is a 25 year old account executive from Vermont! I always root for the obscure location girls and she brought maple syrup but Zach does not appear to eat carbs (he's missing out, TBH).
• Greer who we met earlier brings coffee because its going to be a long night. Barista Greer could be winning me over with this move, and we find out later she wins over Zach as well.
• Viktoria is a 29 year old nanny from Vienna, Austria. Nannies like this only exist on television and men's fantasies.
• Madison Oh, sweet sweet Madison, Thank you for your appearance. She's a 26 year old “business owner” from Fargo, North Dakota. Much more on Madison later. Ooftah.
• Aly is a 26 year old healthcare strategist from Houston, TX.
• Anastasia is a 30 year old content marketing manager from San Diego. You know why Anastasia rules? She rocked a pant suit instead of the dress. Standing out in a good way, Anastasia.
• Cat is a 26 year old dancer from NY with scary eyes big eyes and attitude. 
• Bailey is 27 and "wasn't expecting him to remember my name…” while she was wearing a name tag. READ THAT AGAIN. Did she not think Zach can read? 

• Genevie is a 27 year old neo natal nurse from Baltimore - this makes more sense why she was having him change a baby later. 
• Katherine  is a 26 year old RN from Fla who gives off Gisele vibes. She's going to go far this season. 
• Vanessa is a 23 year old restaurant marketer from Baton Rouge who showed up with a trumpet player. Sad trombone would have been more appropriate.

• Kimberly is a 30 year old hospitality manager from LA. She's just a local girl they need on the show so they have people to get cut. 
• Olivia M is a 25 year old hair stylist from Cincinnati, Ohio. Montgomery Inn, Skyline Chili and Joe Burrow for the win!!!
• Victoria J is a 30 year old make up artist from Fort Worth, Texas - how is that different than Stylist? Do stylists and make up artists overlap? What's different about those jobs. Please help me.
• Kylee is a 25 year old postpartum nurse from Charlotte NC. Lots of nurses and content creator/marketers this season.
• Lekha - "Hey, I barely know ya!" is a 29 year old financial advisor from Miami, Fla. 

Clearly we haven't been working on our material. 

• Holland is a 24 year old insurance marketer from Boca who lasts just long enough to embarrass herself and her family. Congrats?
• Mercedes is a 24 year old non profit case manager and former pig farmer from Bloomfield, Iowa. 
• The Mandrell Daughter shows up on a party bus.
• Sonia is a 29 year old project manager from Long Island.
• Becca is a 25 year old nursing student from Burbank. Confession: the blog has a soft spot for nursing students from California.
• Cara is a 27 year old recruiting coordinator from Pittsburgh, PA.
• Olivia L - is a 24 year old patient care tech from Rochester, NY.

Dugan's Quotes of the Night

1. Jersey City Brianna: “I’m not here for the roses, I’m here for your heart”
2. Bachelor Zach: “I'm Just a dude who loves family, football, and frozen pizza”
3. Bachelor Zach: “I want to kiss you if that’s okay with you?” He did this a few times. Is this another millennial thing that I am unfamiliar with because I'm old? Is this like an informed consent thing? Or is he just awkward and I'm not crazy.
4. Madison in response to "what are you drinking?" "NOT ENOUGH!"
5. Madison: "I just want to be wanted." Just sad and pathetic enough. Art.
6. Cat: "“If I don’t get this rose, I’m burning this house down” 

Drama Ahead

Kaity and the Mandrell Daughter are going to BRING IT this season. Mandrell is wearing the same dress as another girl. Never good. Kaity admits she will get jealous - good thing you are dating a guy with 30 other women simultaneously. She also gets an early kiss.

Live Look at Madison Trying to wedge her way in to the Drama.

Meatball Games

You know a game I've never played but Cat and Zach have? “How many meatballs can you if it in your mouth?”

You ask who lost? America. America lost.

My Kingdom for a Madison

Why we blog.

Thank you, Madison. I was hesitant to return but your performance in the opener made it all make sense. You had your one-on-one time which you described as "electric" which put you on "cloud nine" and its all "so exciting" because "he's so genuine." The cutaways to a disinterested Zach are truly Chef's kiss material. Bravo, Bachelor producers, bravo!

Next level bad.

Determined to get a night one kiss, Madison interrupts his time with another girl and does the worst griddy since Mike Gesicki of the Miami Dolphins. She gets the kiss. Madison's only saving grace was admitting the kiss was terrible. At least she had that minimal amount of self awareness....until the drinks got to her because the self awareness vanished. Madison is dumbstruck when Greer receives the first impression rose. HOW IS SHE SURPRISED? HOW DID SHE THINK WAS GOING TO GET IT? WHAT IS HAPPENING? After the second interruption, Zach has had enough. He let's her off kind of easy, kind of harshly: “Don’t see a future with us but still think you’re awesome.”

Buh Bye.

Rose Time 

We know Brianna and Greer are safe. Joining them will be:

• Mandrell Daughter
• Charity
• Bailey
• Glitter bomb Jess
• Genevie 
• Davia, aka M3GAN 
• Aly 
• Rodeo Brooklyn
• Kaity 
• Anastasia 
• Kylee 
• Gabi
• Katherine aka Gisele
• Mercedes
• Ariel aka Under the Sea
• Nanny Viktoria 
• Kimberly
• Cat gets the final rose and the mansion is saved!

Goodbye to filler and same dress girl, Lekha but barely know ya, and Holland by way of Boca. Until next week and Wags' return.

It's good to be back.

The Bachelor Episode 1: Wetter and Virginous

Ok, off to a rocky start. Don't worry friends, the most suboptimal blog on the Bachelor is back! Even though you likely didn't miss us, we'll labor on for you and look forward to dive into another season featuring former NFL player Colton. While the Dugan family managed to see Mary Poppins, Grinch and Ralph Breaks the Internet over the recent holiday break, we didn't squeeze in Aquaman. Pretty sure I saw enough of Wet Colton during last night's premier to make up for it.

Colton’s a wet Virgin. We get it, ABC. This virginity hook will get very old, very soon. I've always thought this show was an allegory on life and getting very old, very soon about sums up life so far. I must admit I didn't have 3 hours of Bachelor watching in me last night and fast forwarded through the live remotes around the country. Bachelor alums all over the nation prove how good Chris Harrison is at this job. HOLD THE PHONE! NEIL LANE IS IN THE HOUSE!!!

Why we watch

We get introduced to some of the girls. Cassie is a speech pathologist who's in grad school. Hannah Alabama is Miss Alabama who describes herself as the "hot mess express." Ok, I'm listening. Katie is a dancer, Heather, aka Sixpence None the Richer, is 22 and has never been kissed. Like, even by her parents? Never? Or are we just limiting this to romantic kisses. I need to know whether I should be laughing or crying, ABC!

Onyekachukwe Ehie, aka the Nigerian Nightmare, is a 24 yr old IT Risk Consultant. Miami represents with Nicole, aka Camila Cabello, a 25 year old social media consultant. Kirpa is a Dental Hygienist from Whittier, California. 

We meet Demi in Texas, but all I want to know about is her mom. Dad is with stepmom but plenty of people get divorced. We find out that Demi's mom is in federal prison. Get out your PACER accounts, friends! We need details.

Some Virgin Talk

It's been seconds since it was last brought up, so Chris and Colton decide to discuss his virginity. He also talks about the issue with Erica McNut. Colton contradicts himself repeatedly.

At times, he explains it "just happened" because he was a fat, awkward kid growing up. Other times he claims it was a "conscious decision." Did it "just happen" or was it a "conscious decision"? Actually, I do feel like there is some truth in there. It kind of just happened and then he was a virgin in life later than most and it became a more significant thing to him that he wanted to keep for the right time and place.

"It's a conscious decision"

Colton knows it's going to be an issue. He's worried about his inexperience and whether the girls will think he's "not romantic." Chris Harrison, however, comes in from the TOP ROPE! He tells Colton he has to worry whether the girls think "he's not a man!"

Almost there, coach Gundy.

Let's meet the girls

• Texas Demi comes out strong, “I have not dated a virgin since I was 12…”
• Tayshia is a Cally Phlebotomist
• Heather, aka Sixpence, is another Cally girl, 22
• Nicole, Dugan's Miami favorite drops some great quotes later, aka Camilla Cabello
• Caelynn, is 23 and Miss North Carolina
• Sydney, is a Knicks Dancer 
• Elyse, 31, is a make up artist from AK. Is that Alaska or Arkansas? It's not like anyone ever mails those two places so why would you know?
• Tahzjuan, aka Tarzan, is a 25 business development associate from Colorado
• Teacher Cassie is 23
• Kirza the Dental Hygienist from Whittier, CA
• Caitlin is another Canada funny girl, 25 realtor 
• Courtney is our Ga Peach
• Katie, 26 is the dancing medical sales rep
• A sloth showed up. 
• Nigerian Nightmare
• McNut
• Hannah Alabama
• Tracy shows up in a police car as the Fashion Police, 31. I wouldn't care but Camila Cabello responded with a great quote: “Thank god for the fashion police because I've never seen so many sequins in my life” followed by “If another pageant girl comes, I’m out.” Camila is my girl.
• Angelique - Jersey girl
• Devin, Broadcast Journalist 23
• Revian, Nurse, 24
• Nina, 30, Croatian girl
• Alex, aka Paw Patrol is a 29 yr old dog rescuer
• Bri, aka Outback, is a 24 year old model and fake Australian. Get it.
• Laura, 26, Dallas accountant
• Hannah G is a 23 year old content creator from Birmingham, Alabama. She is not to be confused with Hannah B, a 23 year old from Tuscaloosa, Alabama. Are you kidding me Fless & Co?
• Annie, finally, a New Yorker is 23 and...went to the University of Alabama. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
• Jane is a 26 social worker
• Catherine, aka Brightline (more on that later) is a 26 DJ from Fort Lauderdale. I didn't read many bios but Brightline peeked my interest. Of note? She doesn't have any tattoos because "you don't put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari." Her favorite author is Dr. Seuss.
• Cinderella, aka Erin, is 28, Plano TX

PARTY TIME.

Quick recap time!

• The girls like Colton
• Demi is going to cause a lot of drama this season and begins by grabbing him first. 
• Miss North Cackalacka gets the first kiss
• Brightline is Fort Lauderdale's own Catherine. If you don't know, Brightline is our recent trainwreck of a public transit system. Recently introduced, it's killed more people than Florida's most famous serial killer, Ted Bundy. 
• One of the Hannah Alabamas got the first impression rose.
• Clemson keeps scoring.

Rose Ceremony

Miss North Cackalacka

Dancer Katie

Paw Patrol, aka Alex B

Hannah Alabama

Nigerian Nightmare, aka Onyeka

Caitlin

Annie

Kirza

Sixpence, aka Heather

AK Elyse 

Tayshia

Courtney

Teacher Cassie

Demi (THIS GIRL NEEDS A NICKNAME! HIVE MIND UNITE!)

Somebody?

McNut

Knicks Dancer Cindy

Outback, aka Bri

Angelique

Tracy

Camila Cabella, aka Nicole

Brightline, aka Catherine

Friends, remember the little things when you are watching. This show is high comedy. Fleiss & Co. setting up Devin's exit interview while the rose recipients "cheers" each other in the background.

Bravo!

The Bachelorette Episode 1: Let's Do the Damn Thing

Guess who's back, back again
Wags and Dugan are back, tell a friend
Guess who's back, guess who's back?
Guess who's back, guess who's back?
Guess who's back, guess who's back?
Guess who's back?

Well, those lyrics got a little repetitive but that works for the Bachelor/ette. After taking a break during Arie's season, we've decided to jump back in with Becca's search for love. Bachelorette favorites, JoJo, Rachel and Kaitlyn, came back and gave Becca advice about her new role as the rose bestower. America last saw Becca when Arie pulled a Mesnickesque switcharoo and left her heartbroken. Fleiss & co. have rounded up the following men to change her mood:

• Clay - a biracial ex-football player who's bio really plays up the bi-racial: “Clay loves hip-hop and country music.” We get it.
• Garrett - Reno outdoorsmen
• Jordan, aka Ken Doll, is a Crystal River, Florida model. Crystal River would make South Bend, Indiana look like Paris so I don't know what Ken Doll is modeling there.
• Super Eagle Lincoln is a Nigerian in LA.

Oh, He's an alien, He's a legal alien
He's a Nigerian on the Bachelorette
Oh, He's an alien, He's a legal alien
He's a Nigerian on the Bachelorette

You come for the Eminem gifs, but stay for the obscure Sting references...

• Chicago Grocer Joe could be a fan favorite and go far.
• Jean Blanc, aka Jean Noir, is a Haitian into ties, watches, colognes and gives an initial frontrunner for Quote of the Night (hereinafter "QOTN"): "Cologne is an extension of your soul."
• Colton, aka QB5, is a former NFL journeyman who may be a virgin and has turned his life focus into a charity for Cystic Fibrosis
• Grant is an electrician which is an odd job compared to the usual group of trainers and salesmen
• Connor is a fitness coach from Florida. Now that's a Bachelor/ette career.
• John, aka Venmo John, is a software engineer from San Fran who developed the App for Venmo.
• Leo, aka Leo the Lion, is a never bald stuntman. 
• Rickey is an IT Consultant.
• Alex is a Construction Manager.
• Nick is battling Ken Doll for least likable. He's also an attorney from Florida. 
• Mike is a sports analyst.  
• Garrett pulled up in a minivan and is medical sales rep and early frontrunner.
• Blake is a sales rep who wore a terrible mauve jacket. 
• Chase, aka CSI Miami because he looks like every villain on CSI Miami ever, gets busted for not being there for the right reasons on night 1!!! That's incredible. 
• Darius is a Drug Sales Rep
• Ryan is a Banjoist
• Christon, aka Globetrotter, dunked on Becca by jumping over her. I could not do that.
• Willis admits he's a closet nerd and has the Harry Potter tattoos to prove it.
• Jason is a senior corporate banker from Seattle. Not to be confused with the junior corporate bankers from Seattle.
• Kamil came out of the limo and his title said "Social Media..." I assumed "Social Media Influencer" because sadly, that's a thing, and I was also watching Wags' Warriors make their 4th straight trip to the finals. I root for an NBA team that recently made 4 straight finals. It was fun. I miss that time.
• Jake, aka Hometown Honey, is a marketing consultant from Minnesota.
• Trent is a realtor from Naples who showed up in a hearse.
• Christian is a San Diego Banker
• David  is a venture capitalist in a chicken suit.
• Chris, aka Choir Chris or Chris the Snitch, is a sales trainer from Orlando who brought a Choir.

The men (?) inside explain what they like about Becca: She's the "ultimate ultimate girl next door." They had me at the second ultimate.

Becca joins the party and here are my highlights:

• Conner pulls the tried and true Bachelorette move with the quick pull of Bachelorette Becca to the chagrin of the room. He then shows off his party trick with the sword to the Champagne. I have so many questions. Do people really do that? Did he bring his own sword? How many bottles do you break practicing the trick? How many times do you take a sword to the bottle in private before making taking this trick public? Will Dugan ever attempt this? Will it be at a tailgate?
• Venmo casually lets it slip that he developed the Venmo app. 
• Globetrotter Christon dunked on Becca. Shouldn't he have dunked on another guy instead? 
• Ken Doll had no patience for the chicken: “you almost got feathers in my coffee!”
• Garrett is trying to make this midwest (is Minnesota midwest?) girl feel at her feel at home with some fly fishing practice. 
• Choir Chris pulled an episode 5 move during the premiere. Choir Chris knows CSI Miami's ex and has already found out CSI Miami is not here for the right reasons. DAYUM that was fast!
• Becca has bigger fish to fry than the Florida Tweedledee and Tweedledum bros.
• Becca narrows her focus to Hometown Honey Jake who doesn't have the best memory of meeting Becca multiple times. No worries because Jake's exit brought out the QOTN! “Ask anyone that knows me. I’m one of the most romantic fucking people you ever met.”

Rose Time
Garrett gets the first impression rose and joining him in safety include:

Super Eagle Lincoln

Blake

Rickie
Jean Noir

Globetrotter Christon

Clay

Willis

Coach Connor

Jason (he's a senior banker!)

Venmo John

Banjo Ryan

Alex

Slick Nick

Trent

Colton

Leo the Lion was not impressed with his buttoned up competition: “[i'm] looking out at a sea of highway patrol officers…” GET ME LEO ON THIS SHOW.

Chicken Suit David

Ken Doll Jordan

Leo the Lion, YES!

Man Bun Mike (Notre Dame alum)

Good luck, Mike.

And finally, Chris the Snitch.

Goodbye to the following men who are better off for leaving when they did.

Kamil, the social media...participant. What? Aren't we all?!?!

Electrician Grant. 
Grocer Joe 
CSI Miami Chase.

The season is set. We have our villain. We have our good guys. We have a likable Bachelorette. 

I'm the villain if you didn't guess.

The Bachelorette Episode 1: Rachel's Reboot

Every one's favorite Texas lawyer this side of Joe Jamail (and whoever had a Joe Jamail reference in the opening paragraph, please report to Paddy Power for your long shot winnings) is back and so are Fleiss & Co! It's an exciting time to be a Bachelor/ette fan as we can actually root for the Bachelor/ette in earnest. Although, when you saw her gaggle of girls she welcomed back for a pep talk (think Trainwreck meets Bridesmaids), you did begin to wonder if she was taking this serious.

Jamail's first appearance in a Bachelor Blog

You know Rachel. I know Rachel. Everyone likes Rachel. This episode is not actually about Rachel. It's about the many men she meets. Without further ado...

Adam, aka Adummy, 27, Real Estate Agent from Dallas

• Bio Note: What is the most romantic present you have ever received and why? Threesome. It was my birthday. UGH.

Alex, 28, Information Systems Supervisor from Detroit

• Bio Note: What are your 3 worst attributes? Selfish, unemotional, unapologetic. YIKES. RUN.

Anthony, 26, Education Software Manager from Chicago

• Bio Note: What is your greatest achievement to date? Getting a Fulbright Grant to teach in the Ivory Coast. NOT BAD.

Blake E., aka Sex Pistol, 31, aspiring drummer from Marina del Ray

• Bio Note: Occupation: Aspiring Drummer. "Aspiring" should not be in your occupation title.
• Bio Note 2: What's the closest you have ever come to being married? I was engaged for 48 hours. THERE ARE FLAGS ALL OVER THE FIELD.

Blake K., 29, Marine Veteran from San Francisco

• Bio Note: Occupation: U.S. Marine Veteran. Veteran? Retired? He’s 29? 
• Bio Note 2: Do you have to qualify that you are in the Marines of the United States as opposed to a different Marines? 

Brady, aka Zoolander or Thor, 29, Male Model from Miami

• Bio Note: Describe your top 3 least favorite things to do on a date? Paying for everything, saying goodnight, getting an Uber that doesn't speak English. YOU LIVE IN MIAMI, BRO.

Bryan, aka Nip Tuck, 37, a Chiropractor from Miami

• Bio Note: What are your three best attributes? Affectionate/passionate, personable/charming/funny, kind/good heart. THREE, genius.

Bryce, 30, a Firefighter from Orlando

Dean, 26, a Startup Recruiter from Venice

• Bio Note: Tattoos: Mom's initials on chest, artwork on back, friend's initials on back, "Righteous" on inner lip, Latin on hip, Triforce on inner arm. LIP TATTOO. RUN!
• Bio Note 2: What is your favorite memory from childhood? When I was very young, my family lived in a mobile home. I remember sitting on top with my brothers watching a demolition derby and eating Oreos. WHAT? His mobile home park hosted demolition derbies? I am so confused right now.
• Bio Note 3: What does being married mean to you? I think marriage is an institutionalized sham derived from religious beliefs. That said, when I get married, it's a life-long commitment. How romantic.

DeMario, 30, an Executive Recruiter from Century City, CA

• Bio Note: Do you like being the center of attention, or do you prefer being more mysterious and why? I won't lie, I love attention… not like '07 B. Spears attention or 2011 Sheen. Natural attention like when Justin and Brit wore those incredible denim outfits. THIS CANNOT BE HIS HONEST ANSWER.

Diggy, aka TeachMeHowToDiggie, 31, a Senior Inventory Analyst (aka works in receiving) from Chicago

Eric, 29, a Personal Trainer from LA

Fred, aka Bad Kid Fred, 27, an Executive Assistant from Dallas

• Bio Note: If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? Ellen DeGeneres because she seems to love what she does and people's days are brightened when they are around her. A STRAIGHT MAN ANSWERED THIS?

Grant, 29, Emergency Medicine Physician from New York

• Bio Note: What are your favorite magazines? Playboy? ;) SERIOUSLY, with the winking and all.

Iggy, aka IggyNotDiggy, 30, Consulting Firm CEO from Chicago

Jack Stone, 32, Attorney from Dallas

Jamey, ak American Psycho, 32, Sales Account Executive from Santa Monica

• Bio Note: Describe your best friend of the opposite sex and why she/she deserves that title: I do not have female friends. THIS IS NOT A GOOD SIGN.

Jedidiah, aka Masters, 35, an ER Physician from Augusta, GA

• Bio Note:  Do you have any pets and if so, what kind? Not currently. All former dogs were over ½ wolf. WHAT?

Jonathan, aka Elmo, 31, Tickle Monster from New Smyrna Beach, FL. Not. A. Job.

Josiah, aka Mike Satz (***see notes below***), 28, Prosecuting Attorney from Fort Lauderdale

Kenny, 35, a Professional Wrestler from Las Vegas

Kyle, 26, a Marketing Consultant from LA

Lee, aka Robert E. Lee, 30, a Singer/Songwriter from Nashville

Lucas, aka WHABOOM!, 30, a Whaboom from Woodside, California. NOT. A. JOB.

• Bio Note: What does your ideal mate look like? Belle (Beauty and The Beast), Cinderella, Little Mermaid … and the best, Jessica Rabbit! FREAK.

Matt, aka Happy Feet 32, a Construction Sales Rep from Meridian, CN

Michael, aka MJ, 26, Former Professional Basketball Player from Chicago. FORMER at 26? And now?

Milton, aka Crouching Tiger Hidden Kitty, 31, a Hotel Recreation Supervisor from North Bay Village, FL

• Bio Note: Tattoos: Yes, inside my bottom lip. LIP TAT. RUN!

Mohit, aka Bollywood, 26, a Product Manager from San Francisco or Pacifica?

Peter, aka Badger, 31, a Business Owner from Madison, WI

Rob, aka Law Student Rob, 30, a Law Student from Houston

Will, aka Urkel, 28, a Sales Manager from Miami

Let's get some general comments on the guys from tonight's premiere:

• Blake earned his Sex Pistol nickname due to frequently bringing up sex along with his drumming aspirations. 
• Diggy has 575 pairs of shoes? What?
• ***Josiah, aka Mike Satz*** is a prosecutor from Dugan's hometown of Fort Lauderdale, Florida.  When you think of Fort Lauderdale and Broward County and Prosecutor, only one name comes to mind. Mike Satz. He's been the elected prosecutor since 4 years before I was born. I'm not young.
• Bad Kid Fred went to grade school with Rachel (cute!) and she was his counselor (creepy!)
• Adummy brought along a terrifying dummy.
• Nip Tuck loves speaking Spanish and is older than your blog authors.
• Whaboom! is annoying and not here for the right reasons.
• Crouching Tiger Hidden Kitty keeps purring in Rachel's ear. 
• Rachel is already in the running for the best Bachelor/ette in years? Ever?

Dugan's Quote of the Night

Whaboom: “I feel like everyone has a little Whaboom in them”

Sex Pistol: “I have no Whaboom in me”

First Impression Rose

Nip Tuck brings the First Impresson Rose back to Sunny South Florida where Mike Satz will seek a replevin action to get what he believes was rightfully his.

Rose Ceremony Time

Badger

Will (Urkel)

Jack Stone

Jamey (America Psycho)

IggyNotDiggy

Eric

DeMario

Elmo (Jonathan)

Bryce

Alex

Kenny

Dean

Penguin

Anthony

Thor (hammer) or Zoolander (male model)

Mike Satz

Robert E. Lee

Teach me how to Diggy

Bad Kid Fred

Adummy

Sex Pistol

Whaboom!

Who are we losing?

Law School Rob

Kyle

Blake the vet

Jedidiah (Masters)

NY Doctor

Crouching Tiger Hidden Kitty (Milton)

The Bachelorette: JoJo Trump's Search for a Running Mate

Welcome back my friends to the show that never ends...

We're so glad you could attend...

Come inside! Come inside!...

Alas, we are back and Bachelor/ette blogging again. As usual, we try to separate ourselves from the other fodder available on the interwebs, For example, what other recaps began with Emerson, Lake & Palmer lyrics? None? I didn't think so. The first episode is always a harried event for the Bachelor/ette as they are dragged from one contestant to another while trying to become comfortable with their new role as the star of the show. JoJo is going to be a fantastic Bachelorette and surely will provide a season a little edgier than Gentle Ben's previous season.

Without further adieu, let's meet the men vying for JoJo before sharing the highlights of the premier episode.

Alex, aka Marine DeVito, 25 (5’7”) is a Marine from Oceanside, CA

Ali, aka Aladdin, 27 (5’8”) is a Bartender from Santa Monica, CA

Brandon, aka Hipster, 28 (6’4”) is, coincidentally, a Hipster from California. Note – being a Hipster is not a job.

Chad, aka Tulsa Realty Developer or TURD, 28 (6’2”) is in the luxury real estate market of Tulsa, Oklahoma. Note for those following at home: the median sales price for homes in Tulsa for Feb 19 to May 18 was $102,000 based on 9 home sales.

Chase, 27 (6’3”) is a Medical Sales Rep, from Highlands Ranch Co. Bio Note. Loves Ace Ventura. Great taste, Chase.

Christian, aka Brother Daddy, 26 (5’11”) is a Telecom Consultant from LA.

Coley, 27 (6’2”), is a Real Estate Consultant from Chicago.

Derek, aka Harry Potter, 29 (6’3”), is a Commercial Banker from Fort Lauderdale.

Daniel, aka Damn Daniel, 31 (6’1”) is a Canadian from Vancouver. Note One: being Canadian is not a job. Bio Note Two Tattoos: No — “same reason you don’t put stickers on a lambo.”

Evan, aka ED Evan, 33 (5’11”) is a former pastor turned Erectile Dysfunction Specialist – Wait? Is that a career move we want people to make? - from Nashville. Bio Note that makes no sense: “Which U.S. City is the most romantic to you and why? NYC, because the restaurants all make you want to fall in love.”

Grant, aka Firefighter Grant, 29 (6’2”), is a firefighter from San Francisco.

Jake, 27 (6’1”) is a Landscape Architect from Cally.

James F., aka Jim-Gym, 34 (6’2”) is a Boxing Club Owner from Nashville.

James S., aka Superfan, 27 (6’1”), is a Bachelor Superfan. Note One. That’s not a career. Bio Note Two: What’s the closet you have every come to being married? It was to my girlfriend of seven years. We talked about a ring and family, but she couldn’t bring herself to move. Seven years? How much of that were they long distance? I need to know more about this relationship.

James Taylor, aka Sweet Baby James, 29 (6’3”) is a singer songwriter from Katy, TX.

Jonathan, aka Jackie Chan, 29 (6’1”) is a Tech Sales Rep from Vancouver.

Jordan, aka QB4, 27 (6’2”), is a former NFL QB and that is being very generous. Jordan discusses his NFL Career with three teams. Let’s mosey on over to Wikipedia: “He was signed by the Jacksonville Jaguars as an undrafted free agent after the 2013 NFL Draft.^[5] He was released on July 22, 2013.^[6] The Tampa Bay Buccaneers signed Rodgers to the team's practice squad on October 7, 2013 after releasing quarterback Josh Freeman. He remained on the practice squad for the remainder of the season as Mike Glennon became the starter and Dan Orlovsky the backup.^[7] Jordan was cut by the Buccaneers on February 10, 2014. On April 3, 2014, Rodgers was signed by the Miami Dolphins. Jordan was cut by the Dolphins on May 12, 2014.”

Luke, aka Cool Hand Luke, 31 (6’1”) is a War Veteran from Burnet, Texas.

Nick B., aka Santa, 33 (6’1”) is an Electrical Engineer from the North Pole. Bio Note. “What is your favorite magazine? Ducks Unlimited.” Huh?

Nick S., 26 (6’1”) is a Software Sales Rep from San Fran. Bio Note: What foods do you most dislike? Scary cheeses. Oh?

Peter, 26 (5’11”) is a Staffing Agency Manager from Chicago.

Robby, 27 (6’1”) is a Former Competitive Swimmer from Jacksonville, Fl. Bio Note. Is that a job?

Sal, 28 (6’2”) is an Operations Manager from Fort Lauderdale, Fl.

Vinny, aka Barbarino, 28 (6’) is a Barber from Delray, Fl. Bio Note: Meatloaf said he would “do anything for love, but he won’t do that.” What will you not do? Use turkey meat. I need more context.

Wells, aka All 4 Wells, 31 (6’) is a Radio DJ from Nashville.

Will, aka Jersey Will, 26 (6’2.5”) is a Civil Engineer, from Jersey City, NJ. Note One. Jersey City is the homebase of the Maternal Dugan family. Bio Note Two. He is the only guy to use a half inch. 6’2” is tall enough that the .5 inch seems very awkward upon which to insist. Bio Note Three – especially for the Hildbolds. Do you like to go out dancing? If yes, what is your preferred type of dancing? Yes, my go to move is called “Bernie-ing.” It is loosely based on the 80’s classic “Weekend at Bernie’s.”

Name Concerns Unfounded

As our readers know, Tim and I keep getting older but the contestants on the Bachelor/ette stay the same age. ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT! 

We are the Wooderson of Bachelor Bloggers

Nevertheless, I had a point to make. Are these guys millennials? I was worried about the guys actual names expecting the Deemers, Hamptons, Coltons of the world? There are people in this world that name their kids as such. See link. I was surprised to see the relative normalcy of the names. Hat tip to Chase, Coley and Wells…but most are respectable names. Professions? That’s another story.

JoJo's Backstory 

JoJo explains the days and weeks following the breakup with Ben were difficult. I’m guessing days is more accurate. Former Bachelorettes Dez, Caitlyn and Ally show up to lend advice. The most interesting parts of the show are when honesty creeps into this scripted mess. Ally was honest and admitted she fell for Roberto's looks and didn't concentrate on much else. The girls warned JoJo to look for love and not lust.

Pre-Limo Intro and Pun Time

Dugan is a sucker for puns and Fleiss & Co. never disappoint. The cheesier the better. Firefighter Grant is shown with the ubiquitous Coit Tower shot explaining "I’m hoping that JoJo’s the one that lights my fire.”

QB4 is ready to make love a priority and "I’m hoping I’m gonna be JoJo’s #1 draft pick." 

ED Evan helps guys get their member moving but he's going to be just fine because "I've got my mojo for JoJo." 

That was a pun time.

First Night Highlights

• Marine DeVito lives up to his Napoleon roots and grabs her first for some one-on-one time and push-ups.
• Harry Potter explains how he used to look like...you guessed it, Harry Potter.
• Mrs. Dugan calls QB4 as the next Bachelor.
• QB4's use of "retire" is similar to his use of "career." Generous.
• Jersey Will uses an origami fortune teller to gain an awkward kiss but I am saving Jersey Will as a dark horse pick to go far, 
• A personal favorite of my episode was Santa nonchalantly talking to Aladdin. What doesn't this show bring its viewers?
• Turd is the bad guy. We get it.
• Damn Daniel poked ED Evan in the belly button. Why?
• Nick and Barbarino drank too much and interrupted JoJo giving interviews to producers.
• Everyone is getting drunk and leading to great interactions: "Cheers to you Bro” “Cheers to Rock n Roll”

First Impression and the Rose Ceremony

QB4 avoids the pressure and escapes with the first rose of the night. Joining him in week two...

Cool Hand Luke

All 4 Wells

Sweet Baby James

Firefighter Grant

Harry Potter

Brother Daddy 

Turd

Chase

Marine DeVito

Robby

Hipster 

Jim-Gym

Aladdin

Santa

Barbarino

Jersey Will 

Superfan 

ED Evan

Damn Daniel

Goodbye Jackie Chan, Coley, Peter, Jake, Nick S., and Sal.

As before, the usual caveats apply. The nicknames are not set in stone and I welcome suggested revisions. 

Come inside, the show's about to start

guaranteed to blow your head apart

Rest assured you'll get your money's worth

The greatest show in Heaven, Hell or Earth.

You've got to see the show, it's a dynamo.

You've got to see the show, it's rock and roll ....

The Bachelor: Hoosier Daddy Premiere

After the last two Bachelor seasons with Juan Pablo and the Faux Hawk Farmer, we have returned to a classic Bachelor leading man with Ben Higgins from Warsaw, Indiana. I think the ladies were genuinely interested in gentle Ben. As many of our readers will understand, Ben is a Higgins from the Hoosier state and starts with house money from the WWT writers.

I asked Mrs. Dugan where in Indiana it was located and she gave me the same response she has been giving since 2001: South. Very helpful. We both vaguely remembered it, however. Aha! Its on the way between picturesque South Bend and a true gem, Muncie, Indiana.  Over the years, I have probably driven through Warsaw, Indiana no less than 10 times. I remember nothing.

Do you want to know how small Warsaw, Indiana is? The COUNTY its in has 77,000 people! Ok, you have the set up. He's a nice guy from a small town. He was the quarterback for the high school and played on the basketball team and graduated from State U.

Pep Talk

Bachelor Ben follows his McDonalds commercial debut with some Mustang driving to meet up with former Bachelor Farmer Chris, Sean Lowe and Jason Mesnick. Farmer Chris recommends kicking the tires on the contestants while Sean and Jason recommend taking it slow. Ben congratulated Mesnick for keeping it honest to the end. Ummmmm, he switched girls after the final rose?

***Blogging Note: Triple OT in #1 v #2 has not helped me stay focused!***

One of my favorite aspects of the premiere was host Chris Harrison's decision to go retro Regis from Who Wants to Be a Millionaire with the dark tie, shirt, suit combo. 

Looking good, Chris

Let's Meet the Women Alphabetically

*tattoo count in parenthesis

• Amanda, 25 (0), an Esthetician (fancy way of saying hairdresser?) from Rancho Santa Margarita, CA 
• Bio Note: Divorced with two kids
• Amber, 30 (0), a Bartender from Chicago, IL
• Bio Note: Bachelor and Bachelor in Paradise veteran. Does anyone else in the world list The Lion King and Reservoir Dogs as all-time favorite movies?
• Becca, 26 (2), a Chiropractic Assistant from San Diego, CA
• Bio Note: Bachelor veteran. Formerly a virgin. Still?
• Breanne, 30 (0), a Nutritional Therapist (works at GNC?) from Seattle, WA
• Caila, 24 (1), a Software Sales Rep from Hudson, Oh.      
• Bio Note: Favorite Music: U2 (reminds me of my Dad). Holy shit I am getting too old to blog this shit.
• Emily, 22 (0) and Haley (0) are twins from Las Vegas, NV
• Bio Note: Listed occupation as twins. That’s not an occupation.
• Isabel "Izzy," 24 (0), a Graphic Designer from Branford, CT
• Bio Note: What is your all-time favorite book and why? Honestly, I don’t love to read, but I did enjoy reading the first 150 pages or 50 Shades of Grey. Then I just saw the movie.
• Jackie, 23 (0), a Gerontologist from San Francisco, CA
• Bio Note: Favorite Music: Country and Rap. This is an acceptable favorite music now? WTF?
• Jami, 23 (3), a Bartender from St. Albert, Alberta, Canada
• Bio Note: How would you describe yourself as a lover? Inexperienced
• Jennifer, 25 (0), a Small Business Owner from Fort Lauderdale, FL
• Bio Note: Flager College alum, Go Saints!
• Jessica, 23 (1), an Accountant from Boca Raton, FL
• Bio Note: Favorite Music: Luke Bryan – great country singer, Kygo – more relaxing music, Lil’ Wayne – best rapper alive. This shit again?
• Joelle "JoJo", 24 (0), a Real Estate Developer from Dallas, TX
• Bio Note: Special talent: I can make a 3-leaf clover with my tongue. Just throwing that out there.
• Jubilee, 24 (?), is a War Veteran from Fort Lauderdale, FL.
• Bio Note: I thank Jubilee for her service, but does War Veteran mean she is now unemployed? She’ll always be a veteran. What does she do now?
• Lace, 25 (2), is a Real Estate Agent from Denver, CO
• Bio Note. Favorite Music: Rap, R&B and Country.When will this madness end?
• Laura, 24 (0), is an Account Executive from Louisville, KY
• Bio Note: Allergic to rice?
• Lauren "LB," 23 (1), is a Fashion Buyer from Stillwater, OK
• Bio Note: Wants to be LC.
• Lauren B., 25 (1), a Flight Attendant from Marina Del Rey, CA
• Bio Note. Favorite Music: Hip hop/Dance/R&B/Country. Ugh!
• Lauren H., 25 (0), is a Kindergarten Teacher from Hell on Earth.
• Bio Note. Favorite Music: Popular/hit list stuff. Also stuff from growing up. 90s stuff. I’M SO OLD.
• Where do you see yourself in five years? Ah, I’ll be 30!! FML. No, FML.
• Lauren R., 26 (0), is a Math Teacher from Houston, TX
• Bio Note: Nothing.
• Leah, 25 (2 in process of being removed), an Event Planner from Denver, CO
• Bio Note: What’s the most outrageous thing you’ve ever done Probably twerking on the wall in my dress during my Bachelor interview.
• Maegan, 30 (0), is a Cowgirl from Weatherford, TX
• Bio Note: Favorite Music. Red Dirt Country. WHAT?
• Mandi, 28 (0), a Dentist from Portland, OR
• Bio Note: What would an ex say are your worst attributes? Have a tendency to drink too much. Bring it on.
• Olivia, 23 (0), is a News Anchor from Austin, TX
• Bio Note: Wants to be the Bachelorette.
• Rachel, 23 (0), is unemployed from Little Rock, AR
• Bio Note. Got nothing but I appreciate the honesty on the occupation.
• Samantha, 26 (1), is an Attorney from New Smyrna Beach, FL
• Bio Note: What is your greatest achievement to date? Graduating Law School in the top 20% of my class. Yeah, but what law school?
• Shushanna, 27 (0), is a Mathematician from Salt Lake City, Utah
• Bio Note: Favorite Music: Russian. I like where this is going.
• All-Time Favorite Movies: Fast & Furious. Check that. I love where this is going.
• Tiara, 26 (0) is a Chicken Enthusiast from Redmond, WA
• Bio Note: That’s not a job. Putting “enthusiast” before something does not make it a career.

 It's Limo Time

Readers, don't worry. I know what you are thinking. You want to meet the contestants and get our first go at this season's nicknames. As always, the nicknames are fluid at this point and open to interpretation and change. Fleiss & Co. gave very few vignettes of the ladies in their hometown and gets right to limo action. 

Limo 1

• Lauren B, the flight attendance, gives Ben some wings and is "ready to take off on this journey.” You'll always win me over with puns, ABC writers.
• Caila pulls off the patented run and jump
• Jennifer, the small business owner from Dugan's home of Fort Laudy basically forgot her name
• Jami is Canadian, knows Kaitlyn, and makes a bad, crude joke. New Kaitlyn!
• Lawyer Sam passed the bar
• GI Jubilee offers a weak pick-up line.
• Divorcee Amanda is bringing the heat.
• Lace, aka Superfecta, steals the first kiss. 
• Lauren R. admits to social media stalking Ben
• Shushanna, aka the Russian or Ivan Drago?, only speaks in Russian.
• Leah, Hut Hut Higgy also has a little Erica Rose in her, plays some football with Ben.
• JoJo, aka Trump, is a unicorn real estate developer turned presidential candidate.
• Lauren Harbaugh is an Ann Arbor Kindergarten Teacher
• Laura wants to be called Red Velvet but Mrs. Dugan says "Broke ass Emma Stone" is more appropriate.
• Mandi, aka Portlandia, is a weird dentist with a red rose hat.
• Thing 1 and Thing 2 are the twins and I'm going to have trouble differentiating, 
• Maegan brings a miniature horse and likely did not bring another outfit as she had no chance.

Meanwhile, in the mansion, Canadian Jami is breaking down the crazy..."We got twins, a horse, a girl with a rose hat, a Russian…"

Lace responds: "I’m just here to judge people. I don’t think there’s one girl in here that’s competition. I’m way prettier than all of them.” Ok, We have the mean girl!

The women keep coming!

• Breanne declares Gluten "satan" and breaks bread. 
• Izzy wore pajamas and approached Ben, "I had to find out if you were the ‘onesie’ for me". Boom. 
• Rachel, the honest, unemployed one arrives on a hover board. Can we just call her Millennial since that is what I think of all of them? 
• Jessica, the Boca accountant arrives and does nothing memorable. Sounds like a Boca accountant to me. 
• Tiara, aka Chicken Little, arrives without her furry friends. 
• Lauren, aka LC or Boomer Sooner 
• Jackie shows up and Mrs. Dugan believes this may actually be her first date and she gave a wedding invitation for their future wedding.
• Olivia the News Anchor arrives and Ben turns as stupid as men turn in front of an attractive woman. He asks if her dimples "are natural?" No, Ben, she got fake dimples. 

The women are all accounted for...or are they! Calls his dad and enters the house. Mrs. Dugan wants to know if Ben did this at frat parties while in Bloomington. 

Ben: "Dad, there are so many beautiful women at this party tonight. I think tonight's the night."

Dad: "Good luck, son."

No. This never happened. Ever.

It's getting late and this blog post is too long already. Let's get to the remaining highlights:

• Portlandia interrupts his opening speech 
• News Anchor Olivia tells Ben she left her job to be on the show. 
• The first impression rose enters the party and shit gets real.

• Caila and Ben swap software sales war stories. 
• Things 1 and 2 explain that twins are a "fantasy that everyone has.” Ummm, no. 
• Trump first called herself a real estate developer. Now she calls herself a house flipper? What’s next? Tax deed sale expert? 
• New Limo arrives with former contestants Hugs Becca and Amber. 
• Lace not pleased about Becca being there, cementing her role as this season’s mean girl. Next, Lace gets drunk. She’s the mean and drunk one? Her first nickname was Perfecta. 
• Lace is interrupted with Ben by Portlandia and we get tears. A Trifecta! 
• What other Bachelor Blog uses pari-mutuel betting terms as nicknames? I’m guessing none.
• Lace tells us what she wants to do to Portlandia: “Punch her in the face. Seriously.” That escalated quickly. 
• Ben wants to walk Trifecta off the ledge and she’s mumbling. 
• Lace’s mumbles eventually require subtitles and she complains that Ben isn’t looking her in the eye. That's it, a SUPERFECTA. Mean. Drunk. Crying. Subtitles. A true champion.
• The first impression rose is out and goes to the News Anchor!

Winner!

Rose Ceremony Time

Lauren B. Mrs. Dugan points out that he likes her because she looks like every girl he went to high school with.

LC

Software Caila

Amber

Canadian Jam

Ft. Laudy Jennifer

GI Jubilee

Mom Amanda

Trump

New Erica Rose (Leah, or Hut Hut Higgie?)

Rachel

Lawyer Sam

Save the Date Jackie

Thing 1

Thing 2

The Russian

Lauren Harbaugh

Virgin Becca

Portlandia

Superfecta (Mean girl, Drunk girl, Crying girl, Subtitle girl)

Goodbye Broke Ass Emma Stone. Breanne found out he likes gluten, Chicken Little, Boca Accountant and Onesie.

Until next week when Tim returns and laments the fact that twins have made their first appearance this season.