The Bachelorette Episode 1: Let's Do the Damn Thing

Guess who's back, back again
Wags and Dugan are back, tell a friend
Guess who's back, guess who's back?
Guess who's back, guess who's back?
Guess who's back, guess who's back?
Guess who's back?

Well, those lyrics got a little repetitive but that works for the Bachelor/ette. After taking a break during Arie's season, we've decided to jump back in with Becca's search for love. Bachelorette favorites, JoJo, Rachel and Kaitlyn, came back and gave Becca advice about her new role as the rose bestower. America last saw Becca when Arie pulled a Mesnickesque switcharoo and left her heartbroken. Fleiss & co. have rounded up the following men to change her mood:

• Clay - a biracial ex-football player who's bio really plays up the bi-racial: “Clay loves hip-hop and country music.” We get it.
• Garrett - Reno outdoorsmen
• Jordan, aka Ken Doll, is a Crystal River, Florida model. Crystal River would make South Bend, Indiana look like Paris so I don't know what Ken Doll is modeling there.
• Super Eagle Lincoln is a Nigerian in LA.

Oh, He's an alien, He's a legal alien
He's a Nigerian on the Bachelorette
Oh, He's an alien, He's a legal alien
He's a Nigerian on the Bachelorette

You come for the Eminem gifs, but stay for the obscure Sting references...

• Chicago Grocer Joe could be a fan favorite and go far.
• Jean Blanc, aka Jean Noir, is a Haitian into ties, watches, colognes and gives an initial frontrunner for Quote of the Night (hereinafter "QOTN"): "Cologne is an extension of your soul."
• Colton, aka QB5, is a former NFL journeyman who may be a virgin and has turned his life focus into a charity for Cystic Fibrosis
• Grant is an electrician which is an odd job compared to the usual group of trainers and salesmen
• Connor is a fitness coach from Florida. Now that's a Bachelor/ette career.
• John, aka Venmo John, is a software engineer from San Fran who developed the App for Venmo.
• Leo, aka Leo the Lion, is a never bald stuntman. 
• Rickey is an IT Consultant.
• Alex is a Construction Manager.
• Nick is battling Ken Doll for least likable. He's also an attorney from Florida. 
• Mike is a sports analyst.  
• Garrett pulled up in a minivan and is medical sales rep and early frontrunner.
• Blake is a sales rep who wore a terrible mauve jacket. 
• Chase, aka CSI Miami because he looks like every villain on CSI Miami ever, gets busted for not being there for the right reasons on night 1!!! That's incredible. 
• Darius is a Drug Sales Rep
• Ryan is a Banjoist
• Christon, aka Globetrotter, dunked on Becca by jumping over her. I could not do that.
• Willis admits he's a closet nerd and has the Harry Potter tattoos to prove it.
• Jason is a senior corporate banker from Seattle. Not to be confused with the junior corporate bankers from Seattle.
• Kamil came out of the limo and his title said "Social Media..." I assumed "Social Media Influencer" because sadly, that's a thing, and I was also watching Wags' Warriors make their 4th straight trip to the finals. I root for an NBA team that recently made 4 straight finals. It was fun. I miss that time.
• Jake, aka Hometown Honey, is a marketing consultant from Minnesota.
• Trent is a realtor from Naples who showed up in a hearse.
• Christian is a San Diego Banker
• David  is a venture capitalist in a chicken suit.
• Chris, aka Choir Chris or Chris the Snitch, is a sales trainer from Orlando who brought a Choir.

The men (?) inside explain what they like about Becca: She's the "ultimate ultimate girl next door." They had me at the second ultimate.

Becca joins the party and here are my highlights:

• Conner pulls the tried and true Bachelorette move with the quick pull of Bachelorette Becca to the chagrin of the room. He then shows off his party trick with the sword to the Champagne. I have so many questions. Do people really do that? Did he bring his own sword? How many bottles do you break practicing the trick? How many times do you take a sword to the bottle in private before making taking this trick public? Will Dugan ever attempt this? Will it be at a tailgate?
• Venmo casually lets it slip that he developed the Venmo app. 
• Globetrotter Christon dunked on Becca. Shouldn't he have dunked on another guy instead? 
• Ken Doll had no patience for the chicken: “you almost got feathers in my coffee!”
• Garrett is trying to make this midwest (is Minnesota midwest?) girl feel at her feel at home with some fly fishing practice. 
• Choir Chris pulled an episode 5 move during the premiere. Choir Chris knows CSI Miami's ex and has already found out CSI Miami is not here for the right reasons. DAYUM that was fast!
• Becca has bigger fish to fry than the Florida Tweedledee and Tweedledum bros.
• Becca narrows her focus to Hometown Honey Jake who doesn't have the best memory of meeting Becca multiple times. No worries because Jake's exit brought out the QOTN! “Ask anyone that knows me. I’m one of the most romantic fucking people you ever met.”

Rose Time
Garrett gets the first impression rose and joining him in safety include:

Super Eagle Lincoln

Blake

Rickie
Jean Noir

Globetrotter Christon

Clay

Willis

Coach Connor

Jason (he's a senior banker!)

Venmo John

Banjo Ryan

Alex

Slick Nick

Trent

Colton

Leo the Lion was not impressed with his buttoned up competition: “[i'm] looking out at a sea of highway patrol officers…” GET ME LEO ON THIS SHOW.

Chicken Suit David

Ken Doll Jordan

Leo the Lion, YES!

Man Bun Mike (Notre Dame alum)

Good luck, Mike.

And finally, Chris the Snitch.

Goodbye to the following men who are better off for leaving when they did.

Kamil, the social media...participant. What? Aren't we all?!?!

Electrician Grant. 
Grocer Joe 
CSI Miami Chase.

The season is set. We have our villain. We have our good guys. We have a likable Bachelorette. 

I'm the villain if you didn't guess.

The Bachelorette Episode 2: Dirty Dogs

In preparation for this Bachelorette season, I won a bottle of whiskey at an auction.  Dugan and I are lawyers...that's how we roll...or at least that's how Dugan could possibly roll.  Actually, come to think of it, I probably shouldn't be rolling at any auctions at all.  And neither should Dugan.  We have mouths to feed and mortgages to pay and flowers to buy our wives.  If we've learned anything from blogging for nearly a decade, it's that flowers are appreciated.  In my case, ice cream is appreciated too, especially on Monday nights.

On to the show...

This is going to be challenging.  I only remember the guys with good nicknames.  

Harrison explained the rules of how one-on-one dates and group dates work.  In case you just arrived from a 15 year stay on the International Space Station, you probably already know how this show works.  

Group Date #1: Dean, Jackstone, Johnathan Elmo, Sex Pistol Blake, IggyNotDiggy, Kenny, Bad Kid Fred, and Lucas Whaboom

The date started off with a touch football game.  I didn't think Rachel would be ready for gametime in a short dress, but she promptly started running the hurry-up offense.  Notre Dame might need her at QB.  

The date shifted to Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis introducing the next competition. Mrs. Wags was folding laundry and half paying attention.  Mrs. Wags asked which former Bachelor couple they were.  I had to inform her that she was looking at one of the most famous whiskey makers in all of the world.  

The guys had to compete in tasks such as changing a baby, pulling hair out of a drain, and vacuuming.  Dean had never held a baby before.  Seems like husband material.  

Strangely, when they had to change a fake diaper, ABC blurred out the fake poopy diaper.  Mrs. Wags  is convinced it must real poop.  

Kutcher theorized that none of these guys will win.  Since Whaboom won the contest, Kutcher is probably onto something.  (Also, Kutcher pitted his t-shirt.  This made me like him just a little more.)

The evening portion of the date, Sex Pistol revealed that he knows Whaboom from a "previous encounter."  Maybe something on Craigslist?  Sex Pistol might be more annoying than Whaboom.  And that's saying something to be worse than a producer-pick.  

Sex Pistol, an "aspiring drummer," dropped the first not-there-for-the-right-reasons to Rachel regarding Whaboom.  This was probably the earliest wrong-reasons backstab in Bachelor history.  

Mrs. Wags thinks Dean has 90210 hair and looks like Brandon Walsh.  "90210 Dean." 

Nice call, Mrs. Wags

Quote of the night from Kenny: "I'm a pro wrestler.  I know all about white dudes acting crazy."   

90210 Dean took the rose.  I asked Mrs. Wags if there were any African-American women on 90210. It turns out Dean's doppleganger once dated an African-American woman.  

One of these actors went on to have a big career.

One-on-One #1: Peter Badger

The date started off with an extra guest; Rachel's gimpy dog.  They flew to Palm Springs to go to Bark Fest, a dog-friendly pool party sponsored by Bark Box.  So far, this might be the worst date in Bachelor history.  

The date did not get much better in the evening portion.  Badger and Rachel compared reasons for why they have gap-teeth. After nearly a decade of wearing braces, this conversation is thankfully meaningless to me.  

Badger got the date rose.  Rachel seems pretty into him. 

Group Date #2: Will Urkel, American Psycho Jamey, TeachmehowtoDiggie, Alex, Adamummy, Robert E. Lee, Happy Feet Matt, Eric, Mike Satz Josiah, DeMario

The date started at a basketball court.  Based on Rachel's shooting, I'm guessing she played high school basketball.  Fun fact: Dugan and I co-coached a women's intramural basketball team in college.  Dugan worked the refs pretty hard.  

Kareem showed up to help out.  Robert E. Lee said Kareem is "the guy of basketball."  Based on that statement and the way he played, it's pretty clear that he knows nothing about basketball.

We all know there's only one answer for who the "guy of basketball" is:

DeMario was easily the best basketball player of the group.  He can drop-step dunk.  We could have used him on our women's intramural team.

During a basketball game between the guys, a woman approached Rachel and said she's DeMario's girlfriend.  DeMario pretended that he didn't know who she was.  Ex-girlfriend then swore on her father's grave and her kitten's life that he never broke up with her.  Surprisingly, the girl wearing a scrunchy on her wrist was telling the truth.  DeMario got the boot.

In the evening portion of the date, the mood was somber.  Alex sang to her in Russian.  Trainer Eric made out with Rachel.  I'm still undecided on which one was harder to watch.

Mike Satz Josiah got the date rose.

Rose Ceremony

Demario tried to crash the rose ceremony.  The security guard had to go speak to "Mr. Harrison."  YESSS.  Easily my favorite moment of the episode.

Mr. Harrison asked Rachel if she wanted to see DeMario.  Rachel decided to go talk to him because she was "curious" about what he had to say (also known as Fleiss and Co. made her do it).

Predictably, TO BE CONTINUED...