The Bachelorette Episode 9: Overnights in Thailand

Becca begins the episode admitting she is in love with two men and falling in love with a third. She then breaks down her relationship with the three remaining men:

Fav Garrett

• He received the first impression rose and has been the favorite from start to finish, 
• She is clearly attracted to him but is concerned he won't be willing to commit so soon after his first marriage failed so spectacularly 

Sr. Banker Jason

• He got off to a slow start, but he is closing strong.
• She has no doubts they would be best friends (is Jason in the friend zone?)

Like Blake

• Becca says she's most like herself around Like Blake (good sign!)
• Their relationship is effortless.

Like Blake & Becca visit a Monk

The Monk

Like Blake and Becca visit a sacred temple where they must respect the grounds by not kissing/touching one another. Most couples that are not teenagers could do this with less complaining. However, the trip was not all in vain. Buddhist Monks drop some knowledge on what it takes to make a relationship work:

Honesty  

Ability to Adjust/Adapt

Patience

Giving 

These monks have given better advice on love in five minutes than this show has managed in two decades. But did you get a good view of the monk?

Later that night, Like Blake is like breaking under the pressure. In a tried and true issue, Blake is having trouble with his girlfriend simultaneously dating two other guys. He can’t take that she is dating other guys. Nevertheless, she offers the Fantasy Suite invite since that's like, inevitable, during this episode. Like Blake has Becca's heart and the inside track to one of the final roses.

The Buffalo Banker heads to Bangkok

Ok, so they didn't go to Bangkok, but I needed the B for alliteration. And they are in Thailand. Close enough. Its like Dugan telling people he's from Miami since that's way easier than explaining Fort Lauderdale to someone from Minnesota. Sr. Banker Jason and Becca walk around Thai markets and eat bugs. The banker seems at ease, comfortable, even confidant. 

Then comes the margin call. Becca makes an offhand comment about their future together and it hits her like a ton of bricks. She realizes that she isn't picking Jason. Tim has told us all along this would happen. Jason is who she would end up with in real life, so you don't go on a show to end up with the same guy. 

In a related note, Mrs. Dugan assures me that Sr. Banker’s hair disqualifies him from being the Bachelor/ette. Obviously she didn't read my thoughts on the Barry Melrose-esque hair of Sr. Banker. 

Barry Melrose for next Bachelor!

Dinner is not going well for the Senior Banker. Tim's prediction is coming true and Becca is cutting him without a Fantasy Suite invite. Harsh, but I respect the move, Becca.  Becca admits he’s a great guy and that she usually dates terrible people. Ugh. Gut punch for the banker. 

America, don't feel bad for Sr. Banker Jason. Do you realize his dating prospects in the greater Seattle area are now off the charts? Becca is left between the misogynist and the high school kid. Jason's going to do just fine with all the sympathy ass he can handle. 

Garrett and Becca go Bamboo rafting with all of Thailand

Becca and Garrett begin a relaxing thai bamboo rafting trip. Looks like the advance team for Fleiss & co. didn't find out it was a Thai national holiday and the river was PACKED! It looked cool...almost as cool as Becca and Garrett ending the day drinking Thai 40s. Good for you!

But with Thai beer

Becca and Garrett return to the resort to an outdoor dinner and chat. I imagine Like Blake staring at them from his room balcony in tears. Garrett is saying all the right things. I know he's in sales, but he is saying everything that Becca wants to hear. It's almost like he is being given lines from Rom-Coms and she doesn't realize it.

As Mrs. Dugan and I discuss how much of these lines are being fed by producers, Garrett states the following: “Becca makes me want to be a better man!”

Wait, that’s literally from a movie.

Sr. Banker Jason comes back for one more gut punch. People think he's a glutton for punishment. I think he is just securing the sympathy ass in the greater Seattle area.

All on purpose.

The Anti-Climactic Rose Ceremony ends with two roses for two men. Until next week's finale!

The Bachelor Episode 9: Whiskey, Andi, Finland.

Good evening, friends. We left off last week with Andi Dorfman knocking on Hans' door. Offered whiskey or wine, she follows Wags' lead and opts for the whiskey. It appears that Andi's only reason for being on the show was to give Hans a sex pep talk for the upcoming overnights. If you hop in the way back machine...we harken back to Andi's season when finalist Hans was very upset that Andi slept with him before cutting him in the finale. Hans assumed overnight suite sex secured the final rose. It. did. not.

Basically, Andi tells Hans to man up and not let his former hurt feelings prevent him from sleeping with these girls and similarly breaking their hearts. Great talk, counselor.

Rose Ceremony Time

Going into the final few episodes, there have been few true surprises this season. The early exit of Business Owner Danielle was my one exception and this rose ceremony supplied surprise number two.

To recap:

We have the favorite, Special Ed Vanessa, who still doesn't understand that Hans gets to date other girls. Basically, this means she doesn't get the main premise of the show. Despite that, she is likely still too good for Hans. We also have next Bachelorette Rachel who absolutely is too good for Hans and needs to get cut without too much collateral damage. We have It’s So Raven who wants to get the hell out of Moxie, Arkansas. And finally, we have Ivanka on the main stage. Ivanka. Main stage.

I googled jane loincloth to get some images to photoshop to explain Ivanka's dress. Instead, I found her actual attire for the rose ceremony.

Surprisingly didn't work

The first rose is given to Raven. A mild surprise but I still expect Rachel to go. RACHEL gets the second rose. That means Special Ed Vanessa or Ivanka is going home. Special Ed gets the rose. And we will welcome Ivanka back home to sunny South Florida. We missed you Ivanka. You have been a wonderful Florida Woman keeping our kooky reputation in tact.

I expected a little more from our dear Ivanka. It turns out she was a modern Icarus, flying too close to the sun.

Hans does Finland.

I love you Mike Fleiss & Co. He brought Hans, the 13th Prince of the Southern Isles, to Finland for overnights. We begin with a That's So Raven helicopter ride. It looks very cold in Finland. And they explain that it's only sunny a couple hours a day. What hours? 8-10am? 12-2pm? 5-7pm? Does anyone else find this curious?

You know what else is curious? Finnish darts. Don't know what I'm talking about? Take a close look at that Finnish dartboard.

WTF?

They talk about their future. He’ll cook. She'll fold. Stopped paying attention as I google Finnish Darts.

That's So Raven reveals her modest sexual history along with the lack of orgasms. I can't decide if that puts more or less pressure on Hans. But that's not the confusing part. Raven explains that the lack of orgasm was a trust issue. Acceptable. But she's looking forward to sex with a guy simultaneously dating 30 other women? No trust issues there? WOMEN MAKE NO SENSE.

In other news, I'm worried that Hans' Turtleneck might make this discussion moot. No male has ever worn a turtleneck and ended up having sex. It's a fact. Don't even bother looking it up. Or you can check back next week when Wags' takes the keyboard for a 3 hour episode. WHAT?

The Bachelor Episode 9: Jamaica Mistaica

We are in the Caribbean and have three women left: Software Caila, LB and JoJo Trump. Caila is the best fit. LB is the girl he couldn't get in real life. And JoJo has to be the frontrunner for the next Bachelorette.

Caila and Ben and the Sounds of Silence



Ben and Caila go whitewater rafting with a Rastafarian guide. The anxiety of the overnight and Caila's hesitance to share her feelings lead to a silent raft trip. The jerk chicken stand doesn't even loosen Caila up and we are beginning to fear this overnight might end well. Alas, dinner and copious amoubts of alcohol turned the night around. Thank you, Fleiss & Co.

Alcohol brings about the first L bomb of the night. No reciprocation from Ben but he's willing to test out the software...if you catch my drift. Ben drops a nice quote that makes me laugh in hindsight: "I could wake up and know tonight that Caila’s the women for me….”

It should have continued ..."But I’m still going to sleep with the other two women." Ben thought this but did not say it on national tv. Morning included more "love" talk from Caila and continued lack of a response from Ben.

LB, Ben and Mel at Gibraltar Beach

Turtles can live for 100 years. I like that fact. LB hopes her relationship with Ben lasts that long.
LB is not good at biology but Ben's more interested in anatomy anyway.

Do you want to know why LB wins? DOUBLE RAINBOW. Boom. Followed by a Reggae band and a Fantasy Suite with LOVE RECIPROCATION. There are no rules.

Ben, JoJo and Their Second Helicopter Date

Ben and JoJo enjoy some water-falling action in Jamaica and it appears to be a fairly typical overnight date until we have a second LOVE RECIPROCATION on the show. Does Ben see the cameras filming this season? Ben needs a guide. He needs Neil Lane!

I don't make many promises but Ben's relationship stemming from this season will not last. This date also included the QOTN from JoJo Trump (fitting) with an assist to Mrs. Dugan's ear. “It feels so nice to hear you talk”  What?

Goodbye Caila and a Group Hug

Caila's gone and LB & JoJo enjoy a too familar group hug. They are pretty comfortable ending up as the winner and next Bachelorette. I want spice. I want action. I want drama. Bring me the Women Tell All.