The Bachelor Episode 9: Jamaica Mistaica

We are in the Caribbean and have three women left: Software Caila, LB and JoJo Trump. Caila is the best fit. LB is the girl he couldn't get in real life. And JoJo has to be the frontrunner for the next Bachelorette.

Caila and Ben and the Sounds of Silence



Ben and Caila go whitewater rafting with a Rastafarian guide. The anxiety of the overnight and Caila's hesitance to share her feelings lead to a silent raft trip. The jerk chicken stand doesn't even loosen Caila up and we are beginning to fear this overnight might end well. Alas, dinner and copious amoubts of alcohol turned the night around. Thank you, Fleiss & Co.

Alcohol brings about the first L bomb of the night. No reciprocation from Ben but he's willing to test out the software...if you catch my drift. Ben drops a nice quote that makes me laugh in hindsight: "I could wake up and know tonight that Caila’s the women for me….”

It should have continued ..."But I’m still going to sleep with the other two women." Ben thought this but did not say it on national tv. Morning included more "love" talk from Caila and continued lack of a response from Ben.

LB, Ben and Mel at Gibraltar Beach

Turtles can live for 100 years. I like that fact. LB hopes her relationship with Ben lasts that long.
LB is not good at biology but Ben's more interested in anatomy anyway.

Do you want to know why LB wins? DOUBLE RAINBOW. Boom. Followed by a Reggae band and a Fantasy Suite with LOVE RECIPROCATION. There are no rules.

Ben, JoJo and Their Second Helicopter Date

Ben and JoJo enjoy some water-falling action in Jamaica and it appears to be a fairly typical overnight date until we have a second LOVE RECIPROCATION on the show. Does Ben see the cameras filming this season? Ben needs a guide. He needs Neil Lane!

I don't make many promises but Ben's relationship stemming from this season will not last. This date also included the QOTN from JoJo Trump (fitting) with an assist to Mrs. Dugan's ear. “It feels so nice to hear you talk”  What?

Goodbye Caila and a Group Hug

Caila's gone and LB & JoJo enjoy a too familar group hug. They are pretty comfortable ending up as the winner and next Bachelorette. I want spice. I want action. I want drama. Bring me the Women Tell All.

The Bachelor Episode Nueve: Juan Love

Wags has handed the baton back to Dugan for the Saint Lucia recap. It's Fantasy Suite time and as Juan Pablo points out about a hundred times - there are no cameras in the Fantasy Suites. He mentioned it enough that I became concerned about his intentions inside the Fantasy Suite.

Vidal Sassoon Pretends She Won't Take the Bait

Due to the issues surrounding their Vietnam ocean excursion, Vidal explains she may refuse the fantasy suite option. No one is buying that. Even funnier, when you google "no one is buying" it directs you to a Microsoft Surface. Sorry, Microsft. Something tells me Microsft will be just fine. I'm about as sure about that as I am that Vidal will be staying over.

While jumping off a yacht, Mrs. Dugan reminds me this is Vidal's SECOND time in the ocean. Ever. JP sees if he can up his BS game to match Vidal's: "All your sisters were awesome” Even Lara?

As a fellow hispanic and south Floridian, I tried to give JP the benefit of the doubt. I tried to excuse his words due to ESL but I simply think he is a shallow moron. I hate to say it. I wanted to like him, but explanations of the raw beauty of Saint Lucia were reduced to Tony Montanaesque musings: “This is frickin beautiful.”

It's Fantasy Suite time. What does this mean to JP? NO CAMERAS. Women, he is planning on killing you in the fantasy suit. Vidal survives. We think.

Abbie Carmichael’s Closing Argument

Abbie Carmichael begins their date with some steel drum action. Considering we have witnessed her dance moves, I am guessing the rythm is not going to get her. Shout out, Gloria.

JP charmed Abbie feeding poor native children and playing soccer with same before Land Buggy drive to waterfalls. Haven't these two been chasing waterfalls all season? You know what TLC and Neil Lane say.

Abbie and JP seem to have a real conversation about their feelings and concerns shared in Atlanta. Abbie knows she will have to be a wife and mother. JP knows Fleiss & Co. have forced him to keep Abbie to up her Q rating before the Bachelorette. It's a match made in Fleiss heaven - combustible.

Fantasy Suite Perfection/Nightmare

I have to applaud Fleiss and Co for the editing between JP and Abbie's take on the fantasy suite.

JP's Version

• “laughed for hours”
• “we just get along very well. Our connection, I didn’t know it was going to be this good.”
• “I’m happy. Very happy.”

 Abbie's Version

• “Waking up this morning, I could not wait to get out of the fantasy suite…”
• “Saw a side I didn’t really like. The whole night was a disaster. I hope he did not think that went well. I hope he did not think that was a good date.”
• "Didn’t care about who I was, what I thought, what I want in life…
• Didn’t ask questions about myself
• Brought up Fantasy Suite night with Vidal (Oops.)

You did what???

Nikki’s Fringe Overnight.

There's not much to say about a horseback ride to a secluded beach. The best part of the date was JP listing the attributes he likes in Nikki:

• Honest
• Pretty
• Sexy
• Cares about people and I like that a lot.

HOLY SHIT. JUAN PABLO IS NOT TONY MONTANA. HE IS FOREST GUMP.

Videos, a Farewell to our next Bachelorette and the Rose Ceremony

• Nurse Nikki wants to win
• Vidal wants JP
• Abbie Carmichael wants answers.

Abbie forgoes the video and chooses to face JP attorney-to-Tony Gump. She explains she isn't in love and won't ever be. Much to Abbie's chagrin, JP is perfectly content with the news. You got the feeling that Abbie wanted more. She wanted heartache and pleading.

She got, "It's ok."

It wasn't ok with Abbie. Not at all. Abbie wanted to pummel him into submission and she simply received "it's ok" in return. For Forest Gump, it was incredible defense.

Rose Ceremony

By default (see what I did there?), Nurse Nikki and Vidal Sasson remain. Both accept a rose but Vidal has to be the clear favorite to win it all. Next week is the Women Tell All...

The Bachelor Episode 2: Juan Love

Juan for the money...

And two for Pablo!

Per tradition, I will be recapping while drinking whisky and eating ice cream.  Loyal readers may recognize this frequent combo and think to themselves, "Geez, it seems like you have a problem."  I don't think it is, but I do have a problem I need to confess: I listened to three Bachelor-related podcasts this week.  Yes, it's Monday.  That means I listened to three Bachelor-related podcasts today.      I'll start therapy after Juan Pablo finds the love of his life.

On to the recap...

The episode started off with the Dog Owner's dog still at the house going for a swim.  It's now clear that it is a service dog.  Legally, we may not ask any further questions about it.

First Solo Date: Vidal Sassoon

If you recall from last week, Vidal Sassoon has a DVD that her deceased father made to play for her future husband.  I'm a little scared, yet also a little hopeful, that she plays it for him on their first date.

Vidal really likes the way JP smells, comparing him to "heaven in a bottle."  I thought she could come up with something better considering how many actual fragrant bottles she works around.

J. Pablo planned a Los Angeles winter wonderland.  They sledded, played in some artificially snowy trees, and ice skated.  I just kept waiting for some washed up one-hit wonder band to show up so they could slow dance on ice skates.  But, alas, it never happened.  Would have been pretty big time if Fleiss and Co. had come up with THAT.  (Hire me ABC).

After revealing that her dad passed away, Vidal got a rose and a makeout sesh.  Vidal said JP tastes like "snow."  I'm starting to question her sense of smell.

I spoke too soon!  There was live music at the tail end of the date.


Back at the House

Free Spirit made a strong statement to the other women by going to in the hot tub topless.  If you call yourself a free spirit, toplessness is mandatory.

Second Solo Date: Kat

John Paul took Kat to a private jet. Kat said she is "having visions of jetsetting with her Latin lover."  Kat, I have bad news for you: JP collects autographed baseball bats to send to Venezuela.   I asked Jeeves what the yearly salary is for that job.  He answered:

The plane took them to an electric fun run (not sure what's fun about running at night wearing neon while high on ecstasy).  Brother Wags made a great point that it looked like they took a trip down rainbow road from Mario Kart.

They danced the whole "race," got on stage, and then Juan gave her a rose.   It was definitely the fewest number of words uttered on a date that ended with a rose.

Group Date: Science Chelsie, Kristy, Service Animal Kelly, 8 Mile Cassandra, Abbie Carmichael, Mama Renee, Mozart Lauren, Nanny Alli, Chantel, Nurse Nikki, Elise, Victoria, and Happy Camper (I had to rewind five times to get these names down)

The date took them to a garage for a Bachelor photo shoot for charity.  That's the only kind of acceptable Bachelor photo shoot.  Somehow, they found a charity that pairs models with rescue dogs to save the dogs in the pound.  It's really lucky for Fleiss and Co. that a charity that features bikinis exists.

Service Animal Kelly got made up like an alien.  More specifically, an alien from a racist planet that wears black face.  Alf would not stand for this.

Abbie Carmichael and Teacher Elise were chosen for the nude photo shoot.  I can just imagine Fleiss and Co. in the production room.  Who should we force to go nude?  The free spirit that has already been naked twice this episode?  Nah.  How about the DA and the grade school teacher?!  Fleiss and Co. . . . ruining careers one episode at a time.

The organizer of the event assured the nude models that it's okay because it's a charity for the dogs.  Advice: never trust a guy who looks like he's from the Capital in the Hunger Games.

The date continued into the evening with rooftop drinks.  Former NBA Dancer/Current Makeup Artist Cassandra revealed that she has a two year old son.  As required, Juan Pablo said that is really great.

Shooting Star Victoria got wasted on the roof top.  I'm really sorry she's going to flame out and lose.  She's great.  She wants to "straddle Juan Pablo every day."*

* I use quotes there because she actually said that.

Mrs. Wags made the great call that she is a real life version of this SNL character:



Whisky update:  I'm finished.
Ice Cream update:  Finished a long time ago.

Let's get back to business.  All real Shooting Star Victoria quotes:
"Juan Pablo is my boyfriend."
"Today I gave him the hymen [sic] maneuver.  I saved his life."
"If you give someone the hymen maneuver, you're going to have to straddle them."
"Who's leg do I have to hump around here to get some one-on-one time?"

The Shooting Star went to a bathroom stall and started to lose her mind.  A Bachelor Superfan out of San Mateo (identity protected so he doesn't lose his job) pointed out that the under the bathroom stall camera angle is clearly an "homage to Citizen Kane."  If I had any whisky left, I might have laughed so hard that it would come out of my nose.

Shockingly, Service Animal Kelly got the date rose.

The next morning, JP confronted the Shooting Star about her behavior.  She said that she had fun on the date until her "bathroom issue."  She apologized, but it was not good enough.  JP sent her home because she can't be around Ricki.  I mean Ty.  Oh, of course, it's Camila.   Victoria lived her Bachelor life like a candle in the wind.  She'll be missed.

Rose Ceremony

Amy Local did a mock local news interview with JP.  It felt very local.  Like, she might even be an intern.

Pavarotti apologized for not being more excited about the first impression rose last week.  She seems like she has a PhD while the rest of the women have GEDs.  Good news for the rest of the women: Juan Pablo also has a GED.

8 Mile Cassandra was very sad about being away from her son.  Juan Pablo convinced her to stay.  He must want to get all the autographs from the NBA teams she danced for.

Joining Vidal, Kat, and Service Animal with roses are:
8 Mile
Nurse Nikki
Abbie Carmichael
Teacher Elise
Pavarotti (Will you accept this rose?  "Sure" - - - yikes)
Mama Renee
Psych Nurse Danielle
Happy Camper
Alison
Science Chelsie
Mozart Lauren
Christie

Goodbye Amy Local and Chantel.

Until next week, with way more making out.