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And two for Pablo!
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On to the recap...
The episode started off with the Dog Owner's dog still at the house going for a swim. It's now clear that it is a service dog. Legally, we may not ask any further questions about it.
First Solo Date: Vidal Sassoon
If you recall from last week, Vidal Sassoon has a DVD that her deceased father made to play for her future husband. I'm a little scared, yet also a little hopeful, that she plays it for him on their first date.
Vidal really likes the way JP smells, comparing him to "heaven in a bottle." I thought she could come up with something better considering how many actual fragrant bottles she works around.
J. Pablo planned a Los Angeles winter wonderland. They sledded, played in some artificially snowy trees, and ice skated. I just kept waiting for some washed up one-hit wonder band to show up so they could slow dance on ice skates. But, alas, it never happened. Would have been pretty big time if Fleiss and Co. had come up with THAT. (Hire me ABC).
After revealing that her dad passed away, Vidal got a rose and a makeout sesh. Vidal said JP tastes like "snow." I'm starting to question her sense of smell.
I spoke too soon! There was live music at the tail end of the date.
Back at the House
Free Spirit made a strong statement to the other women by going to in the hot tub topless. If you call yourself a free spirit, toplessness is mandatory.
Second Solo Date: Kat
John Paul took Kat to a private jet. Kat said she is "having visions of jetsetting with her Latin lover." Kat, I have bad news for you: JP collects autographed baseball bats to send to Venezuela. I asked Jeeves what the yearly salary is for that job. He answered:
The plane took them to an electric fun run (not sure what's fun about running at night wearing neon while high on ecstasy). Brother Wags made a great point that it looked like they took a trip down rainbow road from Mario Kart.
They danced the whole "race," got on stage, and then Juan gave her a rose. It was definitely the fewest number of words uttered on a date that ended with a rose.
Group Date: Science Chelsie, Kristy, Service Animal Kelly, 8 Mile Cassandra, Abbie Carmichael, Mama Renee, Mozart Lauren, Nanny Alli, Chantel, Nurse Nikki, Elise, Victoria, and Happy Camper (I had to rewind five times to get these names down)
The date took them to a garage for a Bachelor photo shoot for charity. That's the only kind of acceptable Bachelor photo shoot. Somehow, they found a charity that pairs models with rescue dogs to save the dogs in the pound. It's really lucky for Fleiss and Co. that a charity that features bikinis exists.
Service Animal Kelly got made up like an alien. More specifically, an alien from a racist planet that wears black face. Alf would not stand for this.
Abbie Carmichael and Teacher Elise were chosen for the nude photo shoot. I can just imagine Fleiss and Co. in the production room. Who should we force to go nude? The free spirit that has already been naked twice this episode? Nah. How about the DA and the grade school teacher?! Fleiss and Co. . . . ruining careers one episode at a time.
The organizer of the event assured the nude models that it's okay because it's a charity for the dogs. Advice: never trust a guy who looks like he's from the Capital in the Hunger Games.
The date continued into the evening with rooftop drinks. Former NBA Dancer/Current Makeup Artist Cassandra revealed that she has a two year old son. As required, Juan Pablo said that is really great.
Shooting Star Victoria got wasted on the roof top. I'm really sorry she's going to flame out and lose. She's great. She wants to "straddle Juan Pablo every day."*
* I use quotes there because she actually said that.
Mrs. Wags made the great call that she is a real life version of this SNL character:
Whisky update: I'm finished.
Ice Cream update: Finished a long time ago.
Let's get back to business. All real Shooting Star Victoria quotes:
"Juan Pablo is my boyfriend."
"Today I gave him the hymen [sic] maneuver. I saved his life."
"If you give someone the hymen maneuver, you're going to have to straddle them."
"Who's leg do I have to hump around here to get some one-on-one time?"
The Shooting Star went to a bathroom stall and started to lose her mind. A Bachelor Superfan out of San Mateo (identity protected so he doesn't lose his job) pointed out that the under the bathroom stall camera angle is clearly an "homage to Citizen Kane." If I had any whisky left, I might have laughed so hard that it would come out of my nose.
Shockingly, Service Animal Kelly got the date rose.
The next morning, JP confronted the Shooting Star about her behavior. She said that she had fun on the date until her "bathroom issue." She apologized, but it was not good enough. JP sent her home because she can't be around Ricki. I mean Ty. Oh, of course, it's Camila. Victoria lived her Bachelor life like a candle in the wind. She'll be missed.
Rose Ceremony
Amy Local did a mock local news interview with JP. It felt very local. Like, she might even be an intern.
Pavarotti apologized for not being more excited about the first impression rose last week. She seems like she has a PhD while the restof the women have GEDs. Good news for the rest of the women: Juan Pablo also has a GED.
8 Mile Cassandra was very sad about being away from her son. Juan Pablo convinced her to stay. He must want to get all the autographs from the NBA teams she danced for.
Joining Vidal, Kat, and Service Animal with roses are:
8 Mile
Nurse Nikki
Abbie Carmichael
Teacher Elise
Pavarotti (Will you accept this rose? "Sure" - - - yikes)
Mama Renee
Psych Nurse Danielle
Happy Camper
Alison
Science Chelsie
Mozart Lauren
Christie
Goodbye Amy Local and Chantel.
Until next week, with way more making out.
The episode started off with the Dog Owner's dog still at the house going for a swim. It's now clear that it is a service dog. Legally, we may not ask any further questions about it.
First Solo Date: Vidal Sassoon
If you recall from last week, Vidal Sassoon has a DVD that her deceased father made to play for her future husband. I'm a little scared, yet also a little hopeful, that she plays it for him on their first date.
Vidal really likes the way JP smells, comparing him to "heaven in a bottle." I thought she could come up with something better considering how many actual fragrant bottles she works around.
J. Pablo planned a Los Angeles winter wonderland. They sledded, played in some artificially snowy trees, and ice skated. I just kept waiting for some washed up one-hit wonder band to show up so they could slow dance on ice skates. But, alas, it never happened. Would have been pretty big time if Fleiss and Co. had come up with THAT. (Hire me ABC).
After revealing that her dad passed away, Vidal got a rose and a makeout sesh. Vidal said JP tastes like "snow." I'm starting to question her sense of smell.
I spoke too soon! There was live music at the tail end of the date.
Back at the House
Free Spirit made a strong statement to the other women by going to in the hot tub topless. If you call yourself a free spirit, toplessness is mandatory.
Second Solo Date: Kat
John Paul took Kat to a private jet. Kat said she is "having visions of jetsetting with her Latin lover." Kat, I have bad news for you: JP collects autographed baseball bats to send to Venezuela. I asked Jeeves what the yearly salary is for that job. He answered:
The plane took them to an electric fun run (not sure what's fun about running at night wearing neon while high on ecstasy). Brother Wags made a great point that it looked like they took a trip down rainbow road from Mario Kart.
They danced the whole "race," got on stage, and then Juan gave her a rose. It was definitely the fewest number of words uttered on a date that ended with a rose.
Group Date: Science Chelsie, Kristy, Service Animal Kelly, 8 Mile Cassandra, Abbie Carmichael, Mama Renee, Mozart Lauren, Nanny Alli, Chantel, Nurse Nikki, Elise, Victoria, and Happy Camper (I had to rewind five times to get these names down)
The date took them to a garage for a Bachelor photo shoot for charity. That's the only kind of acceptable Bachelor photo shoot. Somehow, they found a charity that pairs models with rescue dogs to save the dogs in the pound. It's really lucky for Fleiss and Co. that a charity that features bikinis exists.
Service Animal Kelly got made up like an alien. More specifically, an alien from a racist planet that wears black face. Alf would not stand for this.
Abbie Carmichael and Teacher Elise were chosen for the nude photo shoot. I can just imagine Fleiss and Co. in the production room. Who should we force to go nude? The free spirit that has already been naked twice this episode? Nah. How about the DA and the grade school teacher?! Fleiss and Co. . . . ruining careers one episode at a time.
The organizer of the event assured the nude models that it's okay because it's a charity for the dogs. Advice: never trust a guy who looks like he's from the Capital in the Hunger Games.
The date continued into the evening with rooftop drinks. Former NBA Dancer/Current Makeup Artist Cassandra revealed that she has a two year old son. As required, Juan Pablo said that is really great.
Shooting Star Victoria got wasted on the roof top. I'm really sorry she's going to flame out and lose. She's great. She wants to "straddle Juan Pablo every day."*
* I use quotes there because she actually said that.
Mrs. Wags made the great call that she is a real life version of this SNL character:
Whisky update: I'm finished.
Ice Cream update: Finished a long time ago.
Let's get back to business. All real Shooting Star Victoria quotes:
"Juan Pablo is my boyfriend."
"Today I gave him the hymen [sic] maneuver. I saved his life."
"If you give someone the hymen maneuver, you're going to have to straddle them."
"Who's leg do I have to hump around here to get some one-on-one time?"
The Shooting Star went to a bathroom stall and started to lose her mind. A Bachelor Superfan out of San Mateo (identity protected so he doesn't lose his job) pointed out that the under the bathroom stall camera angle is clearly an "homage to Citizen Kane." If I had any whisky left, I might have laughed so hard that it would come out of my nose.
Shockingly, Service Animal Kelly got the date rose.
The next morning, JP confronted the Shooting Star about her behavior. She said that she had fun on the date until her "bathroom issue." She apologized, but it was not good enough. JP sent her home because she can't be around Ricki. I mean Ty. Oh, of course, it's Camila. Victoria lived her Bachelor life like a candle in the wind. She'll be missed.
Rose Ceremony
Amy Local did a mock local news interview with JP. It felt very local. Like, she might even be an intern.
Pavarotti apologized for not being more excited about the first impression rose last week. She seems like she has a PhD while the rest
8 Mile Cassandra was very sad about being away from her son. Juan Pablo convinced her to stay. He must want to get all the autographs from the NBA teams she danced for.
Joining Vidal, Kat, and Service Animal with roses are:
8 Mile
Nurse Nikki
Abbie Carmichael
Teacher Elise
Pavarotti (Will you accept this rose? "Sure" - - - yikes)
Mama Renee
Psych Nurse Danielle
Happy Camper
Alison
Science Chelsie
Mozart Lauren
Christie
Goodbye Amy Local and Chantel.
Until next week, with way more making out.
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