The Bachelor Finale: The Anti-Juan Recap

(As you may know already, Dugan and I split our summaries for the finale.  Dugan will write his recap  from a pro-JP viewpoint (good luck, buddy!).  I will write the (much easier), anti-Juan perspective.)

Let's just admit up front that I have an easier task.

Per tradition, I will be enjoying tonight's finale with whisky and ice cream.  Not only does JP dislike the LGBT community, but I'll bet he dislikes my classic combo as well (just look at him smugly holding that Jamba Juice in the above photo).

Let's just lay out a few of the bad qualities we've seen this season:
1) Homophobic (Is not  okay)
2) Hasn't said one interesting thing (Is not  okay)
3) Chris B. Harrison doesn't really like him (Is not  okay)
4) Maybe gave Abbie crabs:



On to the episode . . .

The finale started off with horror music and JP looking like he was ready to kill someone.  Cut to Harrison saying this is going to be the "most surprising and shocking" finale ever.  Spoiler: you will be shocked to hear JP put together a full sentence.  You will then be surprised that there is no substance to any of these relationships.

Meet the Family #1: Vidal Sassoon Clare

It's always a beautiful thing when an autograph collector can introduce his hairstylist girlfriend to his parents.  I'm sure Mr. and Mrs. Pablo are thrilled about the prospect of these two getting engaged and living in their basement for the rest of their lives.  Juan Pablo's World!  Juan Pablo's World!  Party time!  Excellent!  Woo woo woo woo!

Vidal got to meet Mrs. Pablo.  It reminded me of the first conversation I had with the Señora I lived with when I studied abroad in Madrid.

Me: "El cielo es azul y no va a llover."
Maria Baeza Ordonez: (shakes head)

Mrs. Pablo then told Vidal that JP can be mean at times.  JP's cousin Rodolfo then warned that JP often just walks away from relationships.  Did Fleiss and Co. do any background research on JP?  JP's own family was pretty clear about how he is with women.

Said his entire family.

Meet the Parents #2: Nurse Nikki

Nikki arrived.  Before a word was spoken, Mrs. Wags instantly pointed out that Nikki is not into JP.  I agree.  Sadly (for her), Nikki lasted one week too long to become the next Bachelorette.

Once again, JP's family warned that JP is "focalized" on what he wants and can be very difficult.  Focalized may not be a word, but I promise to use it at work at some point tomorrow.

Nikki described her favorite day with JP as going to the beach and doing lots of activities.  Mrs. Pablo then warned that JP's ideal day would be sitting on the couch watching TV (I didn't write that.  Mrs. Pablo actually said it).  These relationships can work!

At the end of the date, JP asked if he "could keep both" women.  Someone needs to explain the concept of the show to him.

Do your sexy face.

Final Date #1: Vidal

JP arrived in a helicopter, Vidal in a BMW SUV.  Fleiss and Co. spare no expense on unnecessary travel.  Sadly, JP's 2005 Camry that he drives back home may not have quite the same effect.

At the tail end of a helicopter ride, JP whispered into Vidal's ear that "he doesn't know her" and then said something "sexual" that was unrepeatable.  JP is taking a Walter White-esque downward spiral.

In the evening portion of the date, JP went to Vidal's place.  She wanted to talk.  JP wanted a besito.  Vidal wanted an explanation.  JP wanted an escape route.

Earlier in the season, JP's ex-girlfriend (Camila's mom) seemed to have no problem meeting Nurse Nikki and was very comfortable seeing JP with another woman.  After the first hour of this finale, that  previous scene with the ex is starting to make more and more sense.

Have you noticed that JP has been wearing an orange Livestrong-style rubber band bracelet all season?  As a society, I wonder if we can trust anyone that wears one of those bracelets anymore.  And after this finale, who has done more damage to the charity bracelet: JP or Lance Armstrong?

Who has done more damage to charity bracelets?

• Lance Armstrong
• Juan Pablo

Acepoll

More polls: Create you own poll

I was busy making the poll and somehow JP turned around this disaster.  I looked up from typing and Vidal was ready to marry him again.  Things are getting weird.

By the way, where's Neil Lane?  He's the best part of this episode.  If you're asking yourself who Neil Lane is, let me introduce the two of you.

Handsome

Final Date #2: Nurse Nikki

Nikki's date took them on a sailboat ride.   Nikki spent the date unsuccessfully convincing herself and the audience that she is interested in being engaged to JP.  

It's really a pleasure to watch the final two contestants realize that they do not know a thing about JP and might (have to) accept a proposal from him the next day.  It's never easy to realize that you've gotten this deep with a guy that has this tattoo:

Bracelet on other wrist

After a couple forced kisses in Nikki's suite, JP took off for the night.  Nikki then burst into tears in the room.  It's not the most ideal way to spend the night before you (might) get engaged.  

Proposal?

There are exactly 21 ABC minutes left in this episode and we still have not seen Neil Lane.  If we didn't realize it already from the horror movie music, this is not going to end well.

Instead of limo rides, the ladies took pontoon boat rides to the Bachelor proposal altar.  First off the boat was Vidal.  Mrs. Wags was pretty impressed with Vidal's ability to walk on the beach in heels.  She has seen me walk on the beach in snorkeling fins, so she's pretty much an expert on awkward beach footwear.   After Vidal said she wanted to be with him forever, JP then followed up by saying he thinks she's pretty, but "everyone has to go home sometime."  Goodbye, Vidal.   After giving JP a piece of her mind, JP said, with relief, "I'm glad I didn't pick her."  Yes, Juan Pablo.  Release your anger.  Become the all-time Bachelor villain:

Nurse Nikki then arrived, ready and willing get engaged.  But we, the viewing audience, know better.  There has been no Neil Lane.  Therefore, there will be no proposal.  In easily the most anti-climactic finale in Bachelor history, JP said that he had a ring in his pocket, but he's not ready to propose.  JP then ended the season by giving Nikki the final rose.  

So I guess that's it.  See you next season.  

The Bachelor Episode Ocho: Juan Love

Who's ready for four hours of the Bachelor this week?!

I said, Who's ready for four hours of Juan Pablo this week!?!?!?!?

(Hearing nothing)

Okay.  I get the point.  You were never ready.  But Dugan and I are here to get you through it.  And to help me tonight, I have a Boulevardier (google it) and Mexican chocolate ice cream (quickly becoming a favorite).  But maybe I should pitch a new flavor:

Vanilla Ice

On to the show (where there is no question that Mama Renee is going home, right?)

Hometown Date #1: Nurse Nikki in Kansas City

Nikki started off the date in a park, running towards Juan Pablo.  But no jumping hug.  Interesting.  There are certain parts of the show I really like (Chris Harrison #1, Neil Lane #2).  Jumping hugs are up there.  Maybe the next hometown.

They went to a barbecue place.  Juan Pablo (maybe) had never had barbecue before.  These relationships are doomed.  (Before you say, "Aren't all relationships on the Bachelor doomed," I'd like to direct your attention to Trista and Ryan...this show works!).

After literally riding the mechanical bull, Nurse Nikki couldn't pull the trigger on saying "I love you."  

Nikki then took JP to her family's mansion.  Her family seems very all-American.  I'm guessing they were not too thrilled when Nikki got her back tattoo.

At dinner, Nikki's family asked about the long flight to Korea.  Nikki revealed that JP sat in first class while the ladies slummed it in coach.  I hope at least one of them did their best Kristen Wiig impression:



JP had a discussion with Nikki's dad.  And by discussion, I mean Juan Pablo went full-ESL and confused everyone trying to comprehend what he meant to say about his feelings for Nikki.  At this point, I was sad that Pavarotti was off the show.  It would have been incredible to see how her Ivy League parents would handle Juan Pablo's nonsense.

JP left.  Nikki never told JP she loves him.  Weak display Nikki.  Even an M&M can profess it's love for JP.

Hometown #2: Abbie Carmichael's Atlanta

This date is also known as Abbie Carmichael's audition for the next Bachelorette.  Before going to meet her family, Abbie took JP to shoot some guns.  Personally, I was hoping for a moot court competition, but our lawyerly dreams can't always come true.

At the range, Abbie proved that she's from the South.  Juan Pablo proved that he might be cross-eyed.

Abbie/Andi took JP to meet her family at another upper middle class looking house.  Abbie's dad proved that he might understand the Bachelor process quite well; criticizing JP for waiting so long to take Abbie on a one-on-one date.  I wonder if he is one of our anonymous commenters?

Abbie's dad's name is Hy.  I went on babynames.com and found that Hy is short for Hyman.  I have too much respect (read: fear) of Hy to make fun of that.  After briefly researching, it appears that the most famous person named Hyman is Krusty the Clown's father on the Simpsons: Rabbi Hyman Krustofski.  But since I was never allowed to watch the Simpson's growing up, I don't really get my own reference.

Forbidden Cartoon

In the end, Abbie's dad really wasn't all that bad.  Typical Fleiss and Co. manipulation of the audience to think that there were going to be real fireworks between JP and the dad.

Hometown #3: Mama Renee in Sarasota

Renee started off the segment by announcing that Sarasota is her "favorite place in the world," and when she sees her son she is "literally going to eat him."  She's currently a machine gun of crazy statements.    (Admittedly, I don't know much about Sarasota, so I googled it to make sure that I wasn't  unfairly ripping on it.  Turns out, I was fairly ripping on it.  This story is from TODAY).

When her son Ben came to meet them before his little league game, Mama Renee went full "mama" and picked up Ben off the ground for a big hug.  IN FRONT OF HIS WHOLE TEAM.  I can't imagine a more embarrassing moment.  In his little league game, Ben ended the game by turning a double play.  Maybe Juan Pablo will be begging Ben for autographs one day.

Later in the day, they went to Renee's parents' house.  I really hope she gets booted this week.  She (and her family) seem way to nice for this JP bozo.  (I think I am going to start calling people "bozo" more often.  But that could be whisky logic at this point).

Though she wanted to tell JP that she loves him, she balked.  Don't worry Renee, no one else has professed their love either.

Hometown #4: Vidal Sassoon in Sacramento 

Vidal started off the date in a park because she "played a lot in parks as a child."  If I went by Vidal's logic, Mrs. Wags and I are having an awesome date: watersides, baseball card stores, Burger King, and going to bed at 7:30 p.m.

Dream date

After skipping rocks at the park, the date continued at Vidal's mom's house with Vidal's five sisters (no joke).  Vidal's sisters all seemed pretty smitten with JP, except for her sister Lara.  Lara said that their mama would not give permission to JP for a proposal.  Vidal instantly broke into tears.  "Mama" hardly said a word.  Lara kept butting in with her two cents.  Lara reminded me of Alby Grant from Big Love.  Any Big Love fans out there?

By the way, Lara looked a little bit like Alby Grant.  Lara is, how shall I say, a little bit unfortunate looking.

Vidal and her sisters kept calling their mom, Mama.  They all referred to their dad as Daddy.  Very FLDS.

Once Vidal's mom finally got a chance to talk, I had a very hard time understanding her.  I know of some people that might be able to interpret what she was saying:



The date ended uneventfully.

Rose Ceremony

Back in Miami, the roses went to:
Nurse Nikki
Vidal Sassoon Clare
Abbie Carmichael

Predictably (see above), Mama Renee got the boot.  Her only fantasy suite will be back in Sarasota.

Until tomorrow, when Dugan takes us to St. Lucia...

The Bachelor Episode Siete: Juan Love

I forgot how to spell "siete."   It's official: four years of high school Spanish, one and a half years of college Spanish, and one semester abroad in Madrid have officially been flushed down the toilet because I can't spell siete.

Tonight is the usual scotch, but with special ice cream.  It's San Francisco Beer Week and I have some leftover 21st Amendment Framboise ice cream from Humphrey Slocombe.  If nothing in that last sentence makes sense, please come visit Mrs. Wags and me in San Francisco any time.   

Enough about San Francisco, we're going to another beautiful place....Miami!  Bienvenido (sp?).  Everything in the previews seems to indicate that Pavarotti is going home this episode.  Prediction: she's not going anywhere this week.  If Fleiss and Co. were baseball pitchers, they would throw exclusively curve balls. 

When Juan Pablo got to Miami, his hometown, he had to go see Camila Valentina first.  I feel strange that I know a four-year-old's middle name.  I guess that comes with the territory as a (very amateur) Bachelor blogger.  

The women got to the hotel in Miami.  As expected, the view was stunning.  Warm, crystal clear water.  Sunshine.  This is going to be great for Vidal Sassoon.  Her second time in the ocean in her life will be at one of the world's best beaches.  Hopefully Camila won't be watching on TV.  

Solo Date #1: Pavarotti

Pavarotti got the first date card, but was once again hesitant to be excited.  One of our readers that refuses to be identified (but lives less than 3 miles from me) pointed out that she looks and acts like April from Parks and Rec.  Quirky, awkward, brunette.   Did I mention quirky?

Awkward battle

Pavarotti seems interested in JP only when they're kissing.  While kissing on a yacht, Juan Pablo asked if their kissing was like a German kiss.  Pavarotti responded that it was "certainly not" a German kiss.  Most are familiar with the French, but I am intrigued, yet also a little scared, of whatever the German kiss might be.  

I think we have all assumed that Abbie Carmichael is the favorite for "next Bachelorette," but Pavarotti and her realistic/cynical outlook on the Bachelor process would be fun to see.  

The date continued into the evening with more (German?) kissing.  Things were going really well until JP asked if he could meet her family.  Pavarotti replied, "I think it could work."   And then with maybe my favorite line of the season, she said, "I wish I was dumber so I could just [say yes]."  She perfectly described why she is so above this process and JP.  

I really want JP to meet her family.  I imagine two college professor parents.  No siblings.  A deep discussion about which Cabernet from the wine cellar is the family favorite.  Really high ceilings.  Both parents drive Prius's.  NPR on the radio.  No television in the house.  Have never heard of the Bachelor.  I WANT THIS TO HAPPEN SO BADLY.  

There was no rose available on the date.  

Solo Date #2: Nurse Nikki

Nurse Nikki and JP's date took them to Camila's dance recital.  I actually love dance recitals.

If that wasn't enough pressure, JP's parents and CAMILA'S MOM were there.  

Camila got a solo in the recital.  Did she only get the solo because of The Bachelor?  (Someone had to say it.  Leave me alone).  

Nurse Nikki briefly interacted with Carla (Camila's mom).  Mrs. Wags says, without hesitation, that Carla is prettier than Nurse Nikki.  That seems to have prevented any fist fighting.  

The evening portion of the date was at the Marlins stadium, where JP allegedly has an office.  All I know is that I never saw any "office" on this episode.  

After deftly fielding ground balls in her halter top, they had a picnic dinner on the pitching mound.  

There was no rose on this date either.  

Back at the House

Pavarotti announced to the women that she was leaving the show.  I am so sad.  I'm really hoping that JP convinces her to stay.  

Pavarotti then told JP that she was leaving because she could not get to the point that she needed to be at in three weeks.  Newsflash: NO ONE CAN MAKE IT WORK IN THIS AMOUNT OF TIME.  That's the beauty of the show.  

Pavarotti then left.  She just walked out that door.  She didn't turn around.  She did, in fact, hurt me (and Juan Pablo) with goodbye. 

I guess Fleiss and Co. will survive.  But no, not I.

Group Date: Mama Renee, Abbie Carmichael, Teacher Chelsie, and Vidal Sassoon 

The date started with a nonchalant sea plane ride to an island.  No one even commented on how cool that is.  To impress on the Bachelor these days, you better bring a space shuttle. 

Juan Pablo definitely proved that he's a dad by wearing water socks on the beach.  He could have easily completed the look by wearing a bucket hat (confession: on family vacation last summer, I bought and wore a bucket hat the whole time). 

Not much happened on the group date, but Abbie Carmichael got the date rose.  Vidal Sassoon didn't handle it very well.   I'm getting a little worried that Vidal could potentially be the next Bachelorette.  I would have a problem with a whole season of Vidal (and I usually cheer for the Northern Californians....big Jake Pavelka fan).

By getting the rose, Abbie Carmichael got to go on a solo evening date at a salsa dancing club.  She had "never heard" Latin music before.  WHAT?!  It's not like I'm listening to Tito Puente every night, but I've definitely "heard" some Latin music.  

Back at the House Part II

Nurse Nikki and Vidal Sassoon got in a fight back at the house.  As they always say, once two fake blondes start arguing about date roses, you never know where the argument is going to go.  In this case, they got into an argument over whose room they were arguing in.  Vidal won the argument by asserting that since none of them pay rent, the entire apartment is "open space."  Seems like they might want to hire Dugan, Esq. to mediate this dispute.  

Rose Ceremony: Who Gets a Hometown?

As anyone who has ever watched this show knows, hometown dates are really important.  Thus, this rose ceremony really matters (as much as any reality dating show can "matter").  

The cocktail party was awkwardly silent, but thankfully Chris Harrison (or as JP calls him, "Mr. Chris") made his first appearance of the night to call the evening to order.  It seems like Chris Harrison's importance has been continuously minimized as the show goes on.  I would like to formally request more of Mr. Chris and Mr. Neil.  

Joining Abbie Carmichael with hometown roses was:

Nurse Nikki

Vidal Sassoon

Mama Renee

Goodbye Teacher Chelsie.  I thought she might win the thing.  But alas, we will not be going to Ohio.  

Until next week, when we see if any of these families can understand a word that Juan Pablo is saying...

Followed by a second episode on Tuesday night...

The Bachelor Episode Cinco: Juan Love

It's Wags again.  Two weeks in a row!  That means more ice cream than ever.  Two weeks = two scoops (or maybe four).  I have a really special one tonight.  It combines my love of ice cream and my love of the Giants (and my love of anything Mexican-chocolate flavored).

Don't worry.  I have scotch too.

I start this week worried that this season may not go so well.  Usually by this point, there is an obvious front runner to win...I mean...find true love.  As it stands, I feel like there is no logical choice for our man Juan Pablo.  Let's start the episode and see what happens.

Fleiss and Co. took the crew to Vietnam. JP astutely pointed out that "one of this could be my wife."  I agree.  And of this true love could heppen at times, all the times, to Juan Pablo.  

Vietnam looks awesome.  Just saying.

Solo Date #1: Mama Renee

As the previews pointed out, Mama Renee has not kissed JP yet.  This is a very bad sign for the Mama, since JP has been making out with all the single ladies.

Just not the single Renees

The date started off with the new-country-obligatory-walk-around-a-new-city.  JP then took Mama to buy a dress.  I feel like they do a lot of dress buying on Bachelor dates.  Confession: I have never bought Mrs. Wags a dress.  

Create a questionnaire

The evening portion of the date included the aforementioned dress (por supuesto).  It seemed pretty romantic, as most Bachelor dates should.  But was it romantic enough for that elusive first kiss?  Apparently not.  Ouch.  But she did get the rose.  Such mixed-messages.

But after the rose, the date continued to a dock where they released candle boxes into a river and made wishes.  I'm sorry I can't describe that better with my words.  

The date finally ended with no kiss.  According to JP, it's because she has a son, and he wants to be respectful.  

Group Date: Pavarotti, Teacher Chelsie, Kat, 8 Mile, Vidal Sassoon, Dog Lover, Nanny Alli, Danielle, and Abbie Carmichael

I really like how JP's voice gets about 4 octaves higher at the end of every sentence he says.  

The group date started with a rowing trip down a river in large half-coconut looking two person boats.  As you can tell, I'm having a really hard time describing what's happening in Vietnam.  (And I do not think it's the scotch).

The date continued to a traditional Vietnamese farm-to-table meal.  8 Mile thought this would be "great to have in America."  Maybe she needs to leave Detroit and try out Northern California.  Farm-to-table is our middle name.   (And I hyphenated it, which is also kind of a California thing to do).

On the date, Vidal Sassoon started to draw the ire of the other ladies, especially Dog Lover.  By the way, Dog Lover is STILL on the show.  What is happening!?  Also, there is a woman named Danielle on the show.  I'll give you a dollar if you can tell me one thing about her.  

JP took Vidal Sassoon to his suite and then made out with her in his private pool.  Maybe she is the favorite?  

JP took each woman, one-by-one, out to the beach to make out.  After her turn, Abbie Carmichael apologized, saying to the camera "sorry Mom."  She was referring to making out on TV.  I think she owes her Mom an apology for giving up her career as a gang prosecutor to go on a reality TV show.  

Vidal Sasson obviously got the rose.

Before the night was over, Vidal Sassoon went to JP's room at 4 am.  Looks like JP never should have told her where his suite was located.  Stalker much?  

Vidal Sassoon said she wanted to go in the ocean for the first time.  For the first time!?  You live in SACRAMENTO!  For those of you unfamiliar with Sacramento's proximity to the ocean, let me give you a visual:

It's close

Solo Date #2: Nurse Nikki

JP took Nurse Nikki on a hike.  The hike turned into a repelling/spelunking combo.  Nurse Nikki is (predictably) scared of heights.  I've heard that public speaking is a #1 fear, but the Bachelor would seem to prove otherwise.  If you want to win, you better be scared of heights (but also comfortable making out as you overcome your fears).  

The date continued to dinner in a cave.  I'll bet Nurse Nikki had a hard time picking out a dress since she did not have one bought for her on the date.  

Nurse Nikki then delivered my favorite line of the night.  "The fact that Juan Pablo wants to know about my work is amazing."  I may have never bought Mrs. Wags a dress before, but I am genuinely curious about how her day was at work every single day.  

Nurse Nikki got offered a rose, and she assepted.   (Thanks to a loyal fan in Denver for pointing out how cool Juan Pablo's pronunciation of "asspeted" is).  And you read that right.  We have fans in Denver.  

Rose Ceremony

The women all arrived on a boat that looked like they just got off a magical boat ride at a chocolate factory.

After simply asking her if her son was okay with making out on TV, JP got the approval he needed and kissed Mama Renee.  

JP had some second thoughts about the "fairness" of going in the ocean with Vidal Sassoon.  Vidal Sassoon pointed out that it's not about being fair, but rather it's about "following your heart."  I feel like I am documenting the most idiotic conversation in human history.  It felt like they were playing a drinking-game where they could only speak in platitudes, and now it might cost them their relationship.  

Vidal Sassoon felt embarrassed that JP's daughter might have seen what they did.  Mrs. Wags, always ready with an astute observation, questioned who is letting their 4-year-old watch the Bachelor.  Good point.  I'm 33, and my parents probably still wouldn't let me watch The Simpsons or Married with Children.  But I am allowed to watch all the TGIF programming I want!!!  So take that!

My family every Thursday night

Joining Mama Renee, Vidal Sassoon, and Nurse Nikki with roses were:

Pavarotti

8 Mile

Teacher Chelsie

Kat

Abbie Carmichael

Going home (rather predictably I might add) were Danielle, Nanny Alli, and Dog Lover.  I know one thing about the three of these women combined: one of them has a dog.  

Until next week in New Zealand...

The Bachelor Episode Cuatro: Juan Love

I start tonight's post with a heavy heart.  As I was preparing the mandatory accouterments for the Bachelor (ice cream and whisky), I accidentally dumped a full scoop of ice cream on the ground.  After spending more than five seconds debating whether the five second rule applies to ice cream, I finally made the decision it had to be sacrificed to the sink.  If Mrs. Wags and I did not have a dog, I might have made a different decision.  I like ice cream.  Deal with it.  On to the show....

Having watched some of Sean and Lennay Kekua's wedding last night, I am in the mood for some grown sexy time with Juan Pablo and the ladies in South Korea.  This begs the question, will Dog Lover bring her service animal on this trip?

I'll sit this one out

I really enjoyed how excited the ladies were to go to KOREA!!!  Ko-RE-AAAAAA!!!  I'm sure it's very nice, but I have NO clue what Seoul tourism is like.

Group Date: Teacher Chelsie, 8 Mile, Yule Log, Danielle, Kat, and Nurse Nikki

JP took the ladies to a place to dance K-Pop style.  Apparently, this is just like Gagnam Style dancing.  Nice work on being current Fleiss and Co.  Maybe Gotye will be performing later in the show.  

The ladies learned a dance from a top K-Pop band called "21."  I was impressed by the acting job some of ladies did when they pretended to have heard of 21.

The dance class went well, focusing mostly on Kat's dance skills.  That must be pretty embarrassing for 8 Mile, a former NBA dancer.  Nurse Nikki, on the other hand, complained about having to dance.  She became especially irritable when she found out that the ladies would be dancing backup for 21....in a mall.  Huh?  21 must be the Santa Claus of Korean mall performers.   

Juan Santa

At the evening portion of the date, the girls couldn't help but hate on fun-loving Kat and her desire for attention.  If you were hating on Kat too, I'll bet you felt pretty bad when she revealed that she has a deadbeat, alcoholic dad that got 7 DUIs.  8 Mile didn't like that there was "Kattiness" starting.   8 Mile didn't even realize the great pun she stumbled into.

Nurse Nikki?  More like Negative Nikki.  I don't want to dance.  I don't like Kat.  I don't like group dates.  I want alone time.  Geez.  It's really tiring.  But apparently JP was pretty impressed with how well she can change diapers, so she got the group date rose.

Seoul-o Date #1: Pavarotti

The date card asked the Pav if she is his "Seoul Mate."  This season has the best puns.  

Pavarotti and JP went to a market.  They couldn't handle the food, smells, and clothing.  These two will not be settling down in South Korea.  

Mrs. Wags thinks Pavarotti could be prettier and smarter than any woman that has ever been on the Bachelor.   A bold statement.  I will be up until at least midnight preparing my rebuttal.  

JP begged Pavarotti to sing.  Got to give the people, give the people what they want!  She sang a few bars.  She sounded pretty good.  (I have been to exactly zero operas in my life, but I was a college radio DJ with Dugan, so I am capable of rendering an opinion on musical skills).

Things took a turn for the worst when JP asked how many kids she wants to have.  Her response: "I don't even think about kids."  Pavarotti took a big risk and proved that honesty is, in fact, the best policy. So is gun control.  But that's for another policy blog that I write.  

Pavarotti got the rose.  

Group Date #2: Vidal Sassoon, Abbie Carmichael, Mama Renee, Dog Lover, Nanny Ally, and Mozart

The date took them to a life-size dollhouse where you do karaoke.  Now we're talking!  Let's get weird!

After quickly leaving the dollhouse singing party, they went to a photo booth place (unimpressed...we have those in San Francisco), paddle boating (crappy compared to the Jeep Water boat last week), and to a fish-eating-dead-skin-on-your-feet pedicure place (perfect...back to getting weird!).

Vidal got a little scared by the unique(?) octopus they had to eat.  It looked pretty fried and not so scary, but who can blame her:

Goose Egg in Sacramento

Ice Cream update: Mrs. Wags just found the floor ice cream in the sink.  When she asked why it was in there, I replied, "You'll have to read the blog to find out."  Have to get readers somehow.

For some strange reason, JP decided to pump the brakes on kissing the women, noting that he "has a daughter" and shouldn't be kissing so many women on TV.  Is his daughter really watching this show? She's four!!!  Unless this show is converted to cartoon format and shown on Saturday mornings, I have a feeling she won't be seeing any of it.  Unfortunately for Mama Renee and Mozart, JP's sudden kiss rejections appeared to be an indication of his feelings towards them.

Vidal Sassoon had other plans in mind.  Determined, she went for a make out session moments after JP rejected the other two women.  JP is not known for his logic.

Proving that he can be a wild card, JP gave the rose to Abbie Carmichael.  In the end, she was the one he really Juanted.

Rose Ceremony

The highlight of the rose ceremony was Negative Nikki interrupting JP's time with Vidal Sassoon.  Negative Nikki took her time with JP to inform him that women who are interested in men will always look away rather than look at them.  When asked who said that, Negative replied "Science."  I'm definitely using that tactic at work tomorrow.  "Counsel, what is the basis for your argument?"  "The law, your Honor.  The law says so."

Joining Negative Nikki, Pavarotti, and Abbie Carmichael with roses were:

Mama Renee
Teacher Chelsie
Dog Lover (unbelievable how long this is going on)
Danielle (spoke zero words this week, but got one rose)
8 Mile
Nanny Ally
Vidal Sassoon
Kat

Taking the long flight home alone from South Korea were Yule Log Hottie and Mozart.

Until next week with Dugan in Vietnam...

The Bachelor Episode 2: Juan Love

Juan for the money...

And two for Pablo!

Per tradition, I will be recapping while drinking whisky and eating ice cream.  Loyal readers may recognize this frequent combo and think to themselves, "Geez, it seems like you have a problem."  I don't think it is, but I do have a problem I need to confess: I listened to three Bachelor-related podcasts this week.  Yes, it's Monday.  That means I listened to three Bachelor-related podcasts today.      I'll start therapy after Juan Pablo finds the love of his life.

On to the recap...

The episode started off with the Dog Owner's dog still at the house going for a swim.  It's now clear that it is a service dog.  Legally, we may not ask any further questions about it.

First Solo Date: Vidal Sassoon

If you recall from last week, Vidal Sassoon has a DVD that her deceased father made to play for her future husband.  I'm a little scared, yet also a little hopeful, that she plays it for him on their first date.

Vidal really likes the way JP smells, comparing him to "heaven in a bottle."  I thought she could come up with something better considering how many actual fragrant bottles she works around.

J. Pablo planned a Los Angeles winter wonderland.  They sledded, played in some artificially snowy trees, and ice skated.  I just kept waiting for some washed up one-hit wonder band to show up so they could slow dance on ice skates.  But, alas, it never happened.  Would have been pretty big time if Fleiss and Co. had come up with THAT.  (Hire me ABC).

After revealing that her dad passed away, Vidal got a rose and a makeout sesh.  Vidal said JP tastes like "snow."  I'm starting to question her sense of smell.

I spoke too soon!  There was live music at the tail end of the date.


Back at the House

Free Spirit made a strong statement to the other women by going to in the hot tub topless.  If you call yourself a free spirit, toplessness is mandatory.

Second Solo Date: Kat

John Paul took Kat to a private jet. Kat said she is "having visions of jetsetting with her Latin lover."  Kat, I have bad news for you: JP collects autographed baseball bats to send to Venezuela.   I asked Jeeves what the yearly salary is for that job.  He answered:

The plane took them to an electric fun run (not sure what's fun about running at night wearing neon while high on ecstasy).  Brother Wags made a great point that it looked like they took a trip down rainbow road from Mario Kart.

They danced the whole "race," got on stage, and then Juan gave her a rose.   It was definitely the fewest number of words uttered on a date that ended with a rose.

Group Date: Science Chelsie, Kristy, Service Animal Kelly, 8 Mile Cassandra, Abbie Carmichael, Mama Renee, Mozart Lauren, Nanny Alli, Chantel, Nurse Nikki, Elise, Victoria, and Happy Camper (I had to rewind five times to get these names down)

The date took them to a garage for a Bachelor photo shoot for charity.  That's the only kind of acceptable Bachelor photo shoot.  Somehow, they found a charity that pairs models with rescue dogs to save the dogs in the pound.  It's really lucky for Fleiss and Co. that a charity that features bikinis exists.

Service Animal Kelly got made up like an alien.  More specifically, an alien from a racist planet that wears black face.  Alf would not stand for this.

Abbie Carmichael and Teacher Elise were chosen for the nude photo shoot.  I can just imagine Fleiss and Co. in the production room.  Who should we force to go nude?  The free spirit that has already been naked twice this episode?  Nah.  How about the DA and the grade school teacher?!  Fleiss and Co. . . . ruining careers one episode at a time.

The organizer of the event assured the nude models that it's okay because it's a charity for the dogs.  Advice: never trust a guy who looks like he's from the Capital in the Hunger Games.

The date continued into the evening with rooftop drinks.  Former NBA Dancer/Current Makeup Artist Cassandra revealed that she has a two year old son.  As required, Juan Pablo said that is really great.

Shooting Star Victoria got wasted on the roof top.  I'm really sorry she's going to flame out and lose.  She's great.  She wants to "straddle Juan Pablo every day."*

* I use quotes there because she actually said that.

Mrs. Wags made the great call that she is a real life version of this SNL character:



Whisky update:  I'm finished.
Ice Cream update:  Finished a long time ago.

Let's get back to business.  All real Shooting Star Victoria quotes:
"Juan Pablo is my boyfriend."
"Today I gave him the hymen [sic] maneuver.  I saved his life."
"If you give someone the hymen maneuver, you're going to have to straddle them."
"Who's leg do I have to hump around here to get some one-on-one time?"

The Shooting Star went to a bathroom stall and started to lose her mind.  A Bachelor Superfan out of San Mateo (identity protected so he doesn't lose his job) pointed out that the under the bathroom stall camera angle is clearly an "homage to Citizen Kane."  If I had any whisky left, I might have laughed so hard that it would come out of my nose.

Shockingly, Service Animal Kelly got the date rose.

The next morning, JP confronted the Shooting Star about her behavior.  She said that she had fun on the date until her "bathroom issue."  She apologized, but it was not good enough.  JP sent her home because she can't be around Ricki.  I mean Ty.  Oh, of course, it's Camila.   Victoria lived her Bachelor life like a candle in the wind.  She'll be missed.

Rose Ceremony

Amy Local did a mock local news interview with JP.  It felt very local.  Like, she might even be an intern.

Pavarotti apologized for not being more excited about the first impression rose last week.  She seems like she has a PhD while the rest of the women have GEDs.  Good news for the rest of the women: Juan Pablo also has a GED.

8 Mile Cassandra was very sad about being away from her son.  Juan Pablo convinced her to stay.  He must want to get all the autographs from the NBA teams she danced for.

Joining Vidal, Kat, and Service Animal with roses are:
8 Mile
Nurse Nikki
Abbie Carmichael
Teacher Elise
Pavarotti (Will you accept this rose?  "Sure" - - - yikes)
Mama Renee
Psych Nurse Danielle
Happy Camper
Alison
Science Chelsie
Mozart Lauren
Christie

Goodbye Amy Local and Chantel.

Until next week, with way more making out.  

The Bachelorette Finale Part 2 of 2: Say Yes to the Des

Well it's my last chance for my favorite Monday night parings.  On tonight's menu: Three Twins strawberry ice cream, new scotch I just bought for tonight's finale, and a healthy dose of anxiety and sadness on the way.  Ladies and gentlemen, fasten your seatbelts.  There are only four possible outcomes tonight, listed from least likely to most likely:

1) She picks Drew Who?
2) She picks Chris
3) Brooks re-enters the finale or After the Final Rose to win her heart (a la Mesnick/Molly . . . a "MesMol")
4) She chooses no one:

After what transpired last week, the only correct choice is #4, but I'm cheering for the awkwardness of #s 1-3.

I have said enough.  Let's start the show.

The show began with sad music, indicating that Des likely still has a broken heart.  Fortunately, Chris Harrison is there to comfort her (i.e. watch her cry).  Mrs. Wags is very concerned that Chris Harrison could be having a difficult time with all of this in light of his recent divorce.  I'm more interested in how Chris Harrison figured out a way for everyone to use his full name at all times.  He's like the opposite of a Brazilian athlete.

There is also another man we should be concerned about: Neil Lane.  In case you have never shopped for an engagement ring before, Neil Lane is the only acceptable person to shop with.  Brooks's departure has put Neil's inevitable appearance in jeopardy.  For that, I will never forgive Brooks.

Last Week's Rose Ceremony, This Week

Though Des can't get two words out without breaking into tears, she still had to have the rose ceremony with Drew Who and Chris.  Des told the guys that Brooks went home (while crying).  She said she's lucky to have two great guys remaining (while crying), and then gave each of them a rose (while crying).  Chris and Drew Who must feel so honored to be there.

I'm really excited to be here.

So far, there have not been any tweets this week.  Apparently every tweeter is in the live studio audience.

(Studio audience sidenote: how great would it be if there was a real celebrity in the studio audience?  I would like to see a drunk Lindsay Lohan or Amanda Bynes.)

Drew Who Gets a Date

Des decided to proceed with the process.  There is no way that Des wanted to go through with these dates, but the contract she surely signed with Fleiss and Co. overrides.

Des says, "something doesn't feel right with Drew."  Interpretation: "I'm still in love with Brooks."

Thirty seconds after saying something doesn't feel right, Drew Who proposed a toast to "falling madly in love."  As soon as he got the words out, Des broke into tears (no surprise) and ended the relationship.  Neil Lane continues to fume at home.

Mrs. Wags and I have been playing "drink every time Des cries."  This post is going to make less and less sense as we continue forward.

Drew Who went home while unconvincingly stating that he lost the only love of his life.

Back in the studio, Chris Harrison mentioned for the third time that the Bachelorette has never ended with no winner.  With Drew's exit, we are "entering uncharted waters."  Bachelor Historian Wags would like to point out that Brad's first season chartered a boat and sailed those waters in 2007, rejecting both Deanna and Jenni.

Should have stayed up all night to get lucky.

Chris's Chance

Chris started off the date with Des smiling.  So that's good.

While they sailed around Antigua, the camera cut away to interviews with Des.  She seemed to be talking herself into Chris.  Fortunately for Des, her "heart will find what it needs."   This statement is a microcosm of what has made Des's run as Bachelorette rather mundane.  She only speaks in platitudes.  For the next five minutes, I will only document her useless statements:

"Sometimes life is hard to accept." (8:58 pm)
"It's like emotionally draining." (9:01 pm)
"I wish Brooks was here." (9:02 pm)
"It's been easy to be like 'Oh hey, what's up.'" (9:02 pm)
"It all happens for a reason . . . the good, the bad, and the ugly." (9:02 pm).

(In reality, Des only made four of those statements out loud, but she definitely thought the other one).

Chris gave Des a book of poems.  Des proceeded to break out in tears.  Maybe we WILL get some Neil Lane.

Des decided to introduce Chris to her family.  Her family includes the infamous Nate, her brother/love killer.  Nate peppered Chris with questions.  Chris handled Nate's questions with aplomb and grace.  You don't have a career minor league ERA of 4.64 if you stink at high pressure situations.

Before leaving the Hartsock's, Chris asked (and received) permission from Mr. Hartsock to marry Des.

The Final Rose

NEIL LANE.  NEIL LANE.  NEIL LANE.  Every kiss begins with Neil Lane.    I don't care what happens on the rest of the show.  We got some Neil Lane.  By the way, Neil Lane loves the white dress shirt, no tie, and black sport coat look.  But who doesn't, really?

Neil offers that sage ring buying/life advice, "this is the ring she will look at every day for the rest of her life."  I love how much Neil Lane believes in this show.  He clearly will not let past performance influence his current opinion.

Note the consistent outfit

Chris exited the limo first.  Usually this would be a bad sign, but I do not think anyone else is coming (literally).  Figuratively, on the other hand, last week's episode is getting out of the limo to haunt this relationship going forward.

Before Chris could get down on one knee, Des interrupted to say that Chris is the only one here (hooray Chris!).  But then she admitted that she was falling for Brooks (Chris not feeling so good).  But Brooks helped her realize that she loves Chris the most (I guess this makes sense...if you're covering your butt for last week's episode).  

In all seriousness, can I get a Chris poem please!?

But really, they might actually be good for each other.  I sure hope so (because I believe in true love).  If they can get through watching last week's episode together, they might just make it.  After the proposal, Mrs. Wags said, "this is confusing."  I agree.  I never thought option #2 was possible, but true love finds a way.  

Until next season, with Juan Pablo.

The Bachelorette Episode 6: Say Yes to the Des

Clink clink!  It's time to start the Bachelorette. Before dinner tonight, Mrs. Wags asked me if I was nervous to write the recap tonight.  This may come as a shock to the readers, but I have never been nervous to write a recap.  Maybe a lesser man would crumble under the pressure, but with a bowl of strawberry ice cream and a glass of whiskey from Oregon, I can conquer the world.

Okay, enough about how you're jealous of my ice cream, whiskey, and grammar.  Let's get on with the recap.

This week takes place in Barthelona.  We continue to upgrade cities every week.  Barcelona > Munich > Atlantic City > LA.  It's simple alligator math.

Solo Date #1: Drew Who?

Des expressed how excited she was to get to know Drew Who because he's "a little reserved, but he's so romantic about being romantic."  I'm starting to see what the problem is with the season: Des!

Drew Who and Des walked the cobbled streets of Barcelona looking for a place to get a drink.  As Des took a big swig of wine (and Mrs. Wags asked for a taste of whiskey), Drew Who revealed, for the first time ever, that his dad is a recovering alcoholic with cancer. Des was "happy" to hear the story.  Once again, strange word choice by Des.  I've never been happy to hear that someone has lyme disease and also has a gambling addiction.  It's interesting information, but I don't feel happy about it.

As the date continued, Des and Drew Who had a candlelight dinner in a courtyard that looked suspiciously like the Bachelor(ette) courtyard in LA.  

Drew Who turned into Drew Suave by taking Des into the alleyway and making out...but then he ruined everything he worked for by tattling on James for wanting to be the next Bachelor.  He became Drew Right Reasons.  (Bachelor historical note: the snitch character has never won).  Drew Who...prepare to fail.

Nevertheless, Drew Who gets a date rose (but I'll bet he's not in the final three).

Group Date: Hockey Hair Brooks, Chris, #, Domer Mike, James, and Juan Pablo Montoya

The date theme is futbol.  Juan Pablo, the former professional soccer player, might have a slight advantage.

Domer Mike started the date wearing a headband.  Terrible.

Des brought out her team, five professional female soccer players.  The guys, 5 out of 6 not professional soccer players, were wildly overconfident (and a bit misogynistic).  After falling behind 2-0, Des's team of pros went full-Wambach and dominated the men.

During the evening portion of the date, Chris made the wise choice not to discuss James's issues, but rather to focus on his poetry connection with Des.  They are developing a little thing where they write each other poems.  This guy is a lock for the final three.

Domer Mike  and # decided to confront James.  When # confronted James about his desire to be the next Bachelor, James issued a wholesale denial.  Domer Mike (he's a prosecutor..don't lie to him) jumped in and did a rather weak cross-examination of James (#IMHO).  James won the argument, not with logic, but with 'roid rage.  Works every time...believe me...it's my style too.

Des decided not to give out the rose because of all the drama with James.  When confronted by Des, James once again denied saying that he is in good position to become the next Bachelor.  James then cried (and said he had a headache...poor baby James).  Des, seemingly overwhelmed, could not make a decision about James.  At this point, Fleiss and Co. stepped in (behind the scenes of course), and demanded James stay on the show.  Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new villain less than one episode after Father Ben's exit.

James shocked the men by returning to the house.  In what might go down as a top-10 Bachelor moment, James simply said, "Gentlemen....good night."  Good day, sir.  GOOD DAY, SIR.

Solo Date #2: Shirtless Zak

Shirtless Zak and Des went to an art studio and decided to draw each other.  Zak made Des look like a zombie.  This was Des's portrait of Zak:

The color: Carmelo

Maybe we should call this guy Orange Zak.  Whoa spray tan!

After a make-out session in a wine cave, Des gave Shirtless Zak a rose.  Maybe it's his independent spirit.  Maybe it's the fact that his parents have been married for "31, 32, or 33 years."  Maybe it's his hue.  Maybe it's his wild eyes.  Whatever it is, Shirtless Zak is succeeding for all the right reasons.  

Rose Ceremony

Before giving out roses, Des pulled James aside, stating that she just has to send him home.  Before Des could send him home, James apologized and said he is falling for her.  Des fell for it (Fleiss and Co...you are magic).  

Sidenote: when James stood up after the conversation, the front of his lavender shirt was sweat stained.  He appeared to walk straight to the house, but when he walked in...same shirt...no stains.  See, I told you Fleiss and Co. are magic.  

Back at the house, James stuck by his position that the "worst-case scenario is that he ends up as the Bachelor."  The remaining guys were flabbergasted about how he could take that stance.  James pointed out that he is more in touch with reality.  Though I believe that this show is the search for true love, James kind of has a point.  

Joining Drew Who and Shirtless Zak with roses were:

Chris

Hockey Hair Brooks

Domer Mike (oh come on..you have to be kidding me).

Goodbye Juan Pablo (we never got enough of this guy), #, and James (Domer Mike declares this...case closed).  

Until next week in, Madeira!  Huh....where?  Oh...off the coast of Portugal, you say?  HOORAY!