The Bachelor Episode Ocho: Juan Love

Who's ready for four hours of the Bachelor this week?!

I said, Who's ready for four hours of Juan Pablo this week!?!?!?!?

(Hearing nothing)

Okay.  I get the point.  You were never ready.  But Dugan and I are here to get you through it.  And to help me tonight, I have a Boulevardier (google it) and Mexican chocolate ice cream (quickly becoming a favorite).  But maybe I should pitch a new flavor:

Vanilla Ice

On to the show (where there is no question that Mama Renee is going home, right?)

Hometown Date #1: Nurse Nikki in Kansas City

Nikki started off the date in a park, running towards Juan Pablo.  But no jumping hug.  Interesting.  There are certain parts of the show I really like (Chris Harrison #1, Neil Lane #2).  Jumping hugs are up there.  Maybe the next hometown.

They went to a barbecue place.  Juan Pablo (maybe) had never had barbecue before.  These relationships are doomed.  (Before you say, "Aren't all relationships on the Bachelor doomed," I'd like to direct your attention to Trista and Ryan...this show works!).

After literally riding the mechanical bull, Nurse Nikki couldn't pull the trigger on saying "I love you."  

Nikki then took JP to her family's mansion.  Her family seems very all-American.  I'm guessing they were not too thrilled when Nikki got her back tattoo.

At dinner, Nikki's family asked about the long flight to Korea.  Nikki revealed that JP sat in first class while the ladies slummed it in coach.  I hope at least one of them did their best Kristen Wiig impression:



JP had a discussion with Nikki's dad.  And by discussion, I mean Juan Pablo went full-ESL and confused everyone trying to comprehend what he meant to say about his feelings for Nikki.  At this point, I was sad that Pavarotti was off the show.  It would have been incredible to see how her Ivy League parents would handle Juan Pablo's nonsense.

JP left.  Nikki never told JP she loves him.  Weak display Nikki.  Even an M&M can profess it's love for JP.

Hometown #2: Abbie Carmichael's Atlanta

This date is also known as Abbie Carmichael's audition for the next Bachelorette.  Before going to meet her family, Abbie took JP to shoot some guns.  Personally, I was hoping for a moot court competition, but our lawyerly dreams can't always come true.

At the range, Abbie proved that she's from the South.  Juan Pablo proved that he might be cross-eyed.

Abbie/Andi took JP to meet her family at another upper middle class looking house.  Abbie's dad proved that he might understand the Bachelor process quite well; criticizing JP for waiting so long to take Abbie on a one-on-one date.  I wonder if he is one of our anonymous commenters?

Abbie's dad's name is Hy.  I went on babynames.com and found that Hy is short for Hyman.  I have too much respect (read: fear) of Hy to make fun of that.  After briefly researching, it appears that the most famous person named Hyman is Krusty the Clown's father on the Simpsons: Rabbi Hyman Krustofski.  But since I was never allowed to watch the Simpson's growing up, I don't really get my own reference.

Forbidden Cartoon

In the end, Abbie's dad really wasn't all that bad.  Typical Fleiss and Co. manipulation of the audience to think that there were going to be real fireworks between JP and the dad.

Hometown #3: Mama Renee in Sarasota

Renee started off the segment by announcing that Sarasota is her "favorite place in the world," and when she sees her son she is "literally going to eat him."  She's currently a machine gun of crazy statements.    (Admittedly, I don't know much about Sarasota, so I googled it to make sure that I wasn't  unfairly ripping on it.  Turns out, I was fairly ripping on it.  This story is from TODAY).

When her son Ben came to meet them before his little league game, Mama Renee went full "mama" and picked up Ben off the ground for a big hug.  IN FRONT OF HIS WHOLE TEAM.  I can't imagine a more embarrassing moment.  In his little league game, Ben ended the game by turning a double play.  Maybe Juan Pablo will be begging Ben for autographs one day.

Later in the day, they went to Renee's parents' house.  I really hope she gets booted this week.  She (and her family) seem way to nice for this JP bozo.  (I think I am going to start calling people "bozo" more often.  But that could be whisky logic at this point).

Though she wanted to tell JP that she loves him, she balked.  Don't worry Renee, no one else has professed their love either.

Hometown #4: Vidal Sassoon in Sacramento 

Vidal started off the date in a park because she "played a lot in parks as a child."  If I went by Vidal's logic, Mrs. Wags and I are having an awesome date: watersides, baseball card stores, Burger King, and going to bed at 7:30 p.m.

Dream date

After skipping rocks at the park, the date continued at Vidal's mom's house with Vidal's five sisters (no joke).  Vidal's sisters all seemed pretty smitten with JP, except for her sister Lara.  Lara said that their mama would not give permission to JP for a proposal.  Vidal instantly broke into tears.  "Mama" hardly said a word.  Lara kept butting in with her two cents.  Lara reminded me of Alby Grant from Big Love.  Any Big Love fans out there?

By the way, Lara looked a little bit like Alby Grant.  Lara is, how shall I say, a little bit unfortunate looking.

Vidal and her sisters kept calling their mom, Mama.  They all referred to their dad as Daddy.  Very FLDS.

Once Vidal's mom finally got a chance to talk, I had a very hard time understanding her.  I know of some people that might be able to interpret what she was saying:



The date ended uneventfully.

Rose Ceremony

Back in Miami, the roses went to:
Nurse Nikki
Vidal Sassoon Clare
Abbie Carmichael

Predictably (see above), Mama Renee got the boot.  Her only fantasy suite will be back in Sarasota.

Until tomorrow, when Dugan takes us to St. Lucia...

The Bachelor Episode Cinco: Juan Love

It's Wags again.  Two weeks in a row!  That means more ice cream than ever.  Two weeks = two scoops (or maybe four).  I have a really special one tonight.  It combines my love of ice cream and my love of the Giants (and my love of anything Mexican-chocolate flavored).

Don't worry.  I have scotch too.

I start this week worried that this season may not go so well.  Usually by this point, there is an obvious front runner to win...I mean...find true love.  As it stands, I feel like there is no logical choice for our man Juan Pablo.  Let's start the episode and see what happens.

Fleiss and Co. took the crew to Vietnam. JP astutely pointed out that "one of this could be my wife."  I agree.  And of this true love could heppen at times, all the times, to Juan Pablo.  

Vietnam looks awesome.  Just saying.

Solo Date #1: Mama Renee

As the previews pointed out, Mama Renee has not kissed JP yet.  This is a very bad sign for the Mama, since JP has been making out with all the single ladies.

Just not the single Renees

The date started off with the new-country-obligatory-walk-around-a-new-city.  JP then took Mama to buy a dress.  I feel like they do a lot of dress buying on Bachelor dates.  Confession: I have never bought Mrs. Wags a dress.  

Create a questionnaire

The evening portion of the date included the aforementioned dress (por supuesto).  It seemed pretty romantic, as most Bachelor dates should.  But was it romantic enough for that elusive first kiss?  Apparently not.  Ouch.  But she did get the rose.  Such mixed-messages.

But after the rose, the date continued to a dock where they released candle boxes into a river and made wishes.  I'm sorry I can't describe that better with my words.  

The date finally ended with no kiss.  According to JP, it's because she has a son, and he wants to be respectful.  

Group Date: Pavarotti, Teacher Chelsie, Kat, 8 Mile, Vidal Sassoon, Dog Lover, Nanny Alli, Danielle, and Abbie Carmichael

I really like how JP's voice gets about 4 octaves higher at the end of every sentence he says.  

The group date started with a rowing trip down a river in large half-coconut looking two person boats.  As you can tell, I'm having a really hard time describing what's happening in Vietnam.  (And I do not think it's the scotch).

The date continued to a traditional Vietnamese farm-to-table meal.  8 Mile thought this would be "great to have in America."  Maybe she needs to leave Detroit and try out Northern California.  Farm-to-table is our middle name.   (And I hyphenated it, which is also kind of a California thing to do).

On the date, Vidal Sassoon started to draw the ire of the other ladies, especially Dog Lover.  By the way, Dog Lover is STILL on the show.  What is happening!?  Also, there is a woman named Danielle on the show.  I'll give you a dollar if you can tell me one thing about her.  

JP took Vidal Sassoon to his suite and then made out with her in his private pool.  Maybe she is the favorite?  

JP took each woman, one-by-one, out to the beach to make out.  After her turn, Abbie Carmichael apologized, saying to the camera "sorry Mom."  She was referring to making out on TV.  I think she owes her Mom an apology for giving up her career as a gang prosecutor to go on a reality TV show.  

Vidal Sasson obviously got the rose.

Before the night was over, Vidal Sassoon went to JP's room at 4 am.  Looks like JP never should have told her where his suite was located.  Stalker much?  

Vidal Sassoon said she wanted to go in the ocean for the first time.  For the first time!?  You live in SACRAMENTO!  For those of you unfamiliar with Sacramento's proximity to the ocean, let me give you a visual:

It's close

Solo Date #2: Nurse Nikki

JP took Nurse Nikki on a hike.  The hike turned into a repelling/spelunking combo.  Nurse Nikki is (predictably) scared of heights.  I've heard that public speaking is a #1 fear, but the Bachelor would seem to prove otherwise.  If you want to win, you better be scared of heights (but also comfortable making out as you overcome your fears).  

The date continued to dinner in a cave.  I'll bet Nurse Nikki had a hard time picking out a dress since she did not have one bought for her on the date.  

Nurse Nikki then delivered my favorite line of the night.  "The fact that Juan Pablo wants to know about my work is amazing."  I may have never bought Mrs. Wags a dress before, but I am genuinely curious about how her day was at work every single day.  

Nurse Nikki got offered a rose, and she assepted.   (Thanks to a loyal fan in Denver for pointing out how cool Juan Pablo's pronunciation of "asspeted" is).  And you read that right.  We have fans in Denver.  

Rose Ceremony

The women all arrived on a boat that looked like they just got off a magical boat ride at a chocolate factory.

After simply asking her if her son was okay with making out on TV, JP got the approval he needed and kissed Mama Renee.  

JP had some second thoughts about the "fairness" of going in the ocean with Vidal Sassoon.  Vidal Sassoon pointed out that it's not about being fair, but rather it's about "following your heart."  I feel like I am documenting the most idiotic conversation in human history.  It felt like they were playing a drinking-game where they could only speak in platitudes, and now it might cost them their relationship.  

Vidal Sassoon felt embarrassed that JP's daughter might have seen what they did.  Mrs. Wags, always ready with an astute observation, questioned who is letting their 4-year-old watch the Bachelor.  Good point.  I'm 33, and my parents probably still wouldn't let me watch The Simpsons or Married with Children.  But I am allowed to watch all the TGIF programming I want!!!  So take that!

My family every Thursday night

Joining Mama Renee, Vidal Sassoon, and Nurse Nikki with roses were:

Pavarotti

8 Mile

Teacher Chelsie

Kat

Abbie Carmichael

Going home (rather predictably I might add) were Danielle, Nanny Alli, and Dog Lover.  I know one thing about the three of these women combined: one of them has a dog.  

Until next week in New Zealand...