The Bachelorette Episode 8: A Home Run

The title of this post reminded me that we are near the end of the season, yet we are only on episode 8.  Assuming each episode represents about 1 week, that means JoJo and her swoopy-haired suitors have only known each other for 2 months....max. And in a few weeks, one of the swoops will be proposing marriage!  I LOVE THIS SHOW!!!  Okay.  Mint chip and Dewars tonight because I deserve this.  

On to the show.  Let's see who has a weird sibling/parent/friend/dog...

Hometown #1: Colorado with Chase Needs A Nickname

Though Aaron Rodgers plays in the frozen tundra, Chase lives in a frozen tundra.  

Welcome to Colorado

Chase revealed that his parents' divorce included lawsuits.  Too real.  Let's look at Chase's marble countertops instead.

Chase's dad came over for a visit, but Chase "doesn't see his dad very often." But he was really excited to see him on the show:

Chase's dad has "several stepchildren."  Does Chase know how many step-siblings he has?  Several seems like anywhere between 3 and 6.  If you asked me how many 2nd cousins I have, I might say several.  If you ask me how many brothers I have, I say 1.  And his name is JOE!  

The evening position of the date was with Chase's real family (Mom, Stepdad, Sister, Brother-in-Law, and Nephew.)  Chase's brother-in-law is totally bald...so I love him.  

Chase's family had a ski-lift converted into a backyard bench.  Okay, Colorado, that's pretty cool.  

Chase's mom told JoJo, "If you're not having fun, you need to have fun."  While simple, I guess I kind of agree.  

Chase and his sister had a heart-to-heart about how badly their dad treated them, making it difficult to say the word "love."  Bring in Chris Harrison; we need to have a therapy session with the Needs a Nickname family.  

Chase's mom reports to Chase that JoJo is great because she "loves dogs and hates fish."  Apparently, this feeling was shared with Chase's mom.  As a former fish tank owner and pet store employee, I strongly disagree.  

Chase, as required by Fleiss and Co., told JoJo he's falling in love with her.  

Hometown #2: California with QB4

JoJo arrived in California, saw some deer, and went to QB4's high school.  This Bachelor(ette) tradition of going back to your high school is pretty strange.  I LOVED high school, and I have probably been back to my high school one time for my one brother's graduation.  

QB4 says he didn't have a high school sweetheart.  I said that seems hard to believe.  Mrs. Wags thinks he might have had a high school "sweet him."  

As we all know by now, Aaron Rodgers, one of the several Rodgers brothers, is the outcast.  And the reason is pretty obvious:

Hint: it's not swoopy.

If you thought QB4 had big hair, check out Luke's girlfriend, JonBenet:

The visit was very strange because JoJo couldn't stop talking about Aaron Rodgers.  

I don't even know where to go with this date summary.  It ended.  So that's that.  

Mrs. Wags' take:  He keeps trying to convince us that he's in love with her.  She doesn't trust him.  He doesn't love her.  And then you bring JonBenet into the whole thing, and you lose all focus.  And by the way, did you know his brother is Aaron Rodgers?  See, there you go.  I'll help you out.

Hometown #3: Florida with Swimmer Robby

Continuing with my hair obsession, it seems like Swimmy is doing some black magic with that hairline.  Maybe all the time in the swim cap did permanent damage?

JoJo expressed concern that Swimmer was with his last girlfriend for 4 years and then broke up with her 3 months ago.  By any math, that's too recently.

None of Swimmer's family matters except his mom:

Also, it's a good thing Dugan lives in Florida.  Are double-walled, wine-glass-in-plastic-cup insulated barware a Florida thing?  The Swimmer family seemed pretty into these.  While wildly functional, we don't see these too often while wine tasting in the Valley.  

Swimmer's mom broke the news that there are some rumors that Swimmer's ex-girlfriend's roommate's brother's mother's cousin is spreading rumors that Swimmer broke up with her to go on the show.  Swimmer tried to get ahead of the rumor mill by letting JoJo know about the rumors.  When asked if there was any truth to the rumors, Swimmer replied:

Swimmer's date ended.  He's nervous that he blew it.  

Hometown #4: Texas with Cool Hand Luke

JoJo loves being back in Texas, Cool Hand's quiet confidence, and his serial killer eyes (in that order).  

Cool Hand drove JoJo to his house in his Chevy truck.  It seemed like a commercial for Chevy.  But Fleiss and Co. would never do in-show advertising, so Cool Hand must just be a Chevy guy.  

Scott Baio!!!

Cool Hand hosted a barbecue with his parents, his sister, and 50 friends (i.e. the entire town). 

Cool Hand and his family seem pretty normal.  Texans sometimes fool you into thinking that it might be fun to live in Texas:

Deep down, we all know Waco is a dump

Cool Hand's date also ended. As expected.

Rose Ceremony

The Rose Ceremony took place in an airplane hangar.  Why not, right?  When you're Chris Harrison, you can do anything.

Before the ceremony, JoJo told the cameras that she would get rid of Cool Hand Luke.  Cool Hand asked for a word before the rose ceremony.  He professed his love, and JoJo started taking a stroll around the hangar while having a good cry.  I hope you like the hangar because this episode is to...be...continued!

Like they always say, life isn't all blueberries and paper airplanes.

The Bachelorette(s) Episode 10: 1st and 10 Let's Do It Again

Let me start by apologizing if this post doesn't make any sense, is filled with typos, and is not funny. I have just returned from a raucous Las Vegas bachelor party, and I am just starting to feel like the whiskey and red meat might be leaving my system.  I need to go on a quinoa cleanse.  (Not surprisingly, I guess this actually exists.)  Needless to say, tonight will be an ice cream-only event.  This about sums it up:



As usual, enough about me and more about the Bachelorette.

Welcome back to fantasy suite week, aka "Role Model Ben's Last Tryout for the Bachelor."  The show resumed with Ugly Gosling confronting Hans in an Enniskillen hotel.  As Dugan pointed out last week, it's pretty amazing that they are still in Ireland.  Less helicopters and less beaches this season for sure.  More San Antonio and more castles in return.

Role Models Ben

The fantasy date started with RMB and Kaitlyn getting on some horses.  Kaitlyn asked if horses can smell fear.  Is she too young to remember Jerry Maguire?

They had a picnic by a castle.  It looked like one of those castles that was made in the 1800s.  That's way less impressive than a 1500s era castle.

It turned out that the fake castle was the location of their fantasy night.  I hope they have down comforters because it's going to be drafty in there.  

Role Model said he "never thought he would spend a night in an Irish castle."  All he had to do was google it to realize that it's a fairly attainable goal.  Dare to dream, Benjamin.  Dare to dream.

Kaitlyn said that she wanted to make sure he's "110%" interested in her.  I now like her 50% less.  

The next morning, Kaitlyn admitted that she only slept for half an hour.  That means they must have talked a lot.  

Ugly Gosling

Ugly Gosling and Kaitlyn started their fantasy date by golfing.  UG said "golf is a lot like love.  You can do it until you're old and gray."  We don't exactly have Rhodes Scholars on this season, do we?

Like most of the rounds of golf I play, they ended their day with a game of truth-or-dare.  Right off the bat, UG selected dare, and Kaitlyn dared him to putt "nakey."  We don't exactly have Rhodes Scholars on this season, do we?

Everything was going great until Kaitlyn brought up Hans.  Kaitlyn claimed "the last thing she wanted to do was bring up Nick."  Mrs. Wags, master of common sense, pondered why bringing up Hans was the first thing she did?  

Kaitlyn continued to stir the pot by revealing that Hans spilled the beans about UG being an eskimo brother with a country singer.  UG was so upset that he didn't even make Kaitlyn breakfast, but rather went straight to confront Hans.

UG confronted Hans and right away said "you're the last person I want to see right now."  If Mrs. Wags had not gone to bed ten minutes ago, she would have pondered why UG did, in fact, make Hans the first person he saw.  

Rose Ceremony

After a Harrison consultation, Kaitlyn was ready to have her mid-episode rose ceremony.  Instead, she started crying and couldn't do what she had to do (send Role Models Ben home).  

After more Harrison (thank you Fleiss & Co.), roses went to:

Hans

Ugly Gosling

Do not worry Role Models Ben.  While may be an exit from this season, it is just the beginning of your special relationship with Chris Harrison, Neil Lane, and twenty five of ladies that are all going to pretend to want to marry you.  

Utah?

Kaitlyn left Ireland and arrived in Utah to meet both Hans's and UG's families.  No hometowns?  Now I'm completely thrown off by what this season stands for.  If they tell me there will not be Neil Lane, I might write a handwritten complaint letter to ABC.

Hans's Family

While Hans expressed his love for Kaitlyn out in front of the resort, his family was up in a hotel room getting ready to stage an intervention to prevent him from going further.

Upon entry in the room, we learned that Hans's family was the original Jon and Kate Plus Eight.  Once his parents found out that Hans was in the final two guys, they all reeled in terror.  His family is rather pessimistic, but I'm not sure why the track record of relationships on this show would give them any reason to be concerned.  

After some family interviews, the Hanses seemed cautiously optimistic.

Ugly Gosling's Family

Kaitlyn said she was not nervous to meet UG's two sisters because "sisters are her jam," as she has six step-sisters and one "real" sister.  OUCH.  Sorry evil step-sisters.  

Kaitlyn met much of UG's family, but his mom "couldn't make it."  Hmmmm.  This usually signifies that something complicated is going on.  Since I don't do any research outside the two television hours of this show, I guess I'll never find out (please help me out on this one, Mrs. Dugan).  

UG's sisters like Kaitlyn quite a bit.  At this moment, I wish Britt had been the Bachelorette because she would make the worst impressions on the families.  Kaitlyn, on the other hand, always seems to make good first impressions.  

I wrote too soon.  UG's dad wants to know "what the hell is going on, because this is nuts."  UG calmed Mr. Ugly Sr.'s fears by saying that he loves Kaitlyn.  

The show ended with Kaitlyn's tears because she just doesn't know what to do.  She cares so much about both guys.  

Until two weeks from now, when we find out who will be the champ....