The Bachelorette Episode 8: A Home Run

The title of this post reminded me that we are near the end of the season, yet we are only on episode 8.  Assuming each episode represents about 1 week, that means JoJo and her swoopy-haired suitors have only known each other for 2 months....max. And in a few weeks, one of the swoops will be proposing marriage!  I LOVE THIS SHOW!!!  Okay.  Mint chip and Dewars tonight because I deserve this.  

On to the show.  Let's see who has a weird sibling/parent/friend/dog...

Hometown #1: Colorado with Chase Needs A Nickname

Though Aaron Rodgers plays in the frozen tundra, Chase lives in a frozen tundra.  

Welcome to Colorado

Chase revealed that his parents' divorce included lawsuits.  Too real.  Let's look at Chase's marble countertops instead.

Chase's dad came over for a visit, but Chase "doesn't see his dad very often." But he was really excited to see him on the show:

Chase's dad has "several stepchildren."  Does Chase know how many step-siblings he has?  Several seems like anywhere between 3 and 6.  If you asked me how many 2nd cousins I have, I might say several.  If you ask me how many brothers I have, I say 1.  And his name is JOE!  

The evening position of the date was with Chase's real family (Mom, Stepdad, Sister, Brother-in-Law, and Nephew.)  Chase's brother-in-law is totally bald...so I love him.  

Chase's family had a ski-lift converted into a backyard bench.  Okay, Colorado, that's pretty cool.  

Chase's mom told JoJo, "If you're not having fun, you need to have fun."  While simple, I guess I kind of agree.  

Chase and his sister had a heart-to-heart about how badly their dad treated them, making it difficult to say the word "love."  Bring in Chris Harrison; we need to have a therapy session with the Needs a Nickname family.  

Chase's mom reports to Chase that JoJo is great because she "loves dogs and hates fish."  Apparently, this feeling was shared with Chase's mom.  As a former fish tank owner and pet store employee, I strongly disagree.  

Chase, as required by Fleiss and Co., told JoJo he's falling in love with her.  

Hometown #2: California with QB4

JoJo arrived in California, saw some deer, and went to QB4's high school.  This Bachelor(ette) tradition of going back to your high school is pretty strange.  I LOVED high school, and I have probably been back to my high school one time for my one brother's graduation.  

QB4 says he didn't have a high school sweetheart.  I said that seems hard to believe.  Mrs. Wags thinks he might have had a high school "sweet him."  

As we all know by now, Aaron Rodgers, one of the several Rodgers brothers, is the outcast.  And the reason is pretty obvious:

Hint: it's not swoopy.

If you thought QB4 had big hair, check out Luke's girlfriend, JonBenet:

The visit was very strange because JoJo couldn't stop talking about Aaron Rodgers.  

I don't even know where to go with this date summary.  It ended.  So that's that.  

Mrs. Wags' take:  He keeps trying to convince us that he's in love with her.  She doesn't trust him.  He doesn't love her.  And then you bring JonBenet into the whole thing, and you lose all focus.  And by the way, did you know his brother is Aaron Rodgers?  See, there you go.  I'll help you out.

Hometown #3: Florida with Swimmer Robby

Continuing with my hair obsession, it seems like Swimmy is doing some black magic with that hairline.  Maybe all the time in the swim cap did permanent damage?

JoJo expressed concern that Swimmer was with his last girlfriend for 4 years and then broke up with her 3 months ago.  By any math, that's too recently.

None of Swimmer's family matters except his mom:

Also, it's a good thing Dugan lives in Florida.  Are double-walled, wine-glass-in-plastic-cup insulated barware a Florida thing?  The Swimmer family seemed pretty into these.  While wildly functional, we don't see these too often while wine tasting in the Valley.  

Swimmer's mom broke the news that there are some rumors that Swimmer's ex-girlfriend's roommate's brother's mother's cousin is spreading rumors that Swimmer broke up with her to go on the show.  Swimmer tried to get ahead of the rumor mill by letting JoJo know about the rumors.  When asked if there was any truth to the rumors, Swimmer replied:

Swimmer's date ended.  He's nervous that he blew it.  

Hometown #4: Texas with Cool Hand Luke

JoJo loves being back in Texas, Cool Hand's quiet confidence, and his serial killer eyes (in that order).  

Cool Hand drove JoJo to his house in his Chevy truck.  It seemed like a commercial for Chevy.  But Fleiss and Co. would never do in-show advertising, so Cool Hand must just be a Chevy guy.  

Scott Baio!!!

Cool Hand hosted a barbecue with his parents, his sister, and 50 friends (i.e. the entire town). 

Cool Hand and his family seem pretty normal.  Texans sometimes fool you into thinking that it might be fun to live in Texas:

Deep down, we all know Waco is a dump

Cool Hand's date also ended. As expected.

Rose Ceremony

The Rose Ceremony took place in an airplane hangar.  Why not, right?  When you're Chris Harrison, you can do anything.

Before the ceremony, JoJo told the cameras that she would get rid of Cool Hand Luke.  Cool Hand asked for a word before the rose ceremony.  He professed his love, and JoJo started taking a stroll around the hangar while having a good cry.  I hope you like the hangar because this episode is to...be...continued!

Like they always say, life isn't all blueberries and paper airplanes.

The Bachelor Episode 8: The Mom Everyone's Talking About

Now that I have had a week to really digest the episode, I am finally ready to summarize.  Since the episode aired, I have had ice cream multiple times and whiskey once.  I thought you would want to know that old habits do not, in fact, have to die hard.

This week was hometown dates.  It's a tradition unlike any other.  This episode (almost) had it all. Crazy parents, overprotective older brothers, creepy younger brothers, drinking, and mansions.  One glaring omission: Ben did not ask any of the dads for their daughter's hands-in-marriage.  Foreshadowing?

Laguna Beach with Mom Amanda

It's official.  The helicopter romance is over.  No more private concerts.  Goodbye slow dances.  This hometown was all about what it would be like to be a stepdad.

I had the same look earlier this morning.

Ben met up with Mom Amanda on the beach.  She said she had not seen her kids yet.  How is this possible?  Once again, I'm starting to believe that Fleiss and Co. may not be telling us the whole truth.  

Mom Amanda said she's never been away from her kids for more than four days.  Did she forget the last five weeks on ABC's hit dramady, The Bachelor?

Mom Amanda's daughters arrived at the beach.  The older one, approximately five years old, was wearing a significant amount of makeup.  If this is normal for five year olds, I am scared.  But like all things on the Bachelor, I should assume this is not normal. 

During the car ride from the beach, Mom Amanda's younger daughter turned on the charm.  She cried, and cried, and cried, and cried.  And Amanda's chances of getting a rose went down, and down, and down, and down.  

Back at the house, Amanda's dad said Ben looked like a "deer caught in headlights."  Though that's his usual look, this did not bode well for Amanda.

Knowing that Amanda was not going to win made this hometown especially painful.  Good luck in the rose ceremony.

Portland LB

After a failed attempt at stepdadding, Ben headed off to Portland.  I really wanted them to go to my favorite (fictional?) bookstore.

They stopped by some of Portland's famous food trucks.  While I'd like to make fun of this hipster garbage, I had an amazing 3 am grilled cheese in Portland last year.

The date continued on to a whiskey bar.  LB describes all the whiskey as "so romantic."  Do women find whiskey romantic?  If so, I am the Monday night Don Juan of romance.  

Back at the house, Ben met LB's family.  Most importantly, he met her sister.  LB's sister was better looking than her.  I can't place this in historical Bachelor context, but I don't think it is a good sign.  

Even though LB didn't say I love you, I have no doubt she's getting a rose.

Hudson, Ohio - Software Caila

Software is from many places, and her parents currently live in Hudson, OH.  I'm not sure where this town is.  Actually, I'm not really sure where Ohio is, come to think of it.  

Hudson did look very American; very picturesque.  John Kasich may want to shoot a few promos with Hudson in the background.  

Caila's dad is a toy manufacturing CEO, and he looks like he's a child.  This seems like a reverse-Big.  It also seems like Caila is a female Tommy Boy.  They wore hard hats on the factory floor.  All of the employees seemed to know Caila.  Ben should choose her and become a heir to the toy dynasty.    

Back at Caila's house, I spent most of the time wondering what the hell she's talking about.  She's doing some kind of Jedi mind trick on Ben's feeble mind.  

My favorite part of the date was when Ben confessed that he had never met a Filipino person.  Yowza.  No one should ever go on this show.  There is no way to come out of it looking good.  

I spent most of the date trying to figure out Caila's dad.  He looks so young.  But maybe he's just a short guy?  Mrs. Wags thinks he's a former figure skater.  He's got a Scott Hamilton thing going on.  

Dallas - JoJo Trump

As real Trump gets more popular, JoJo Trump is beginning to lose steam.  

The day started with JoJo excited to receive some surprise roses.  Presumably from Ben, right?  Right?  WRONG.  Fleiss and Co. had other ideas.  The roses were from her ex-bf Chad.    Apparently, Chad is not over JoJo and wants her back.  JoJo decided to call Chad and tell him its done forever.  Like deciding to go on the show, this was a bad decision.  Of course, Ben arrived mid-conversation, and JoJo had to tell all.  (This is all so fake.  I'm done writing about it.)  

Trump's home was stereotypically Dallas.  Huge mansion.  Her mom had all forms of plastic surgery. Her brothers seemed to be meathead former college football players.  Her dad looked like a skinny Sgt. Slaughter.  Usually, at least one Bachelor contestant's families will ruin their chances.  This year, JoJo is the one.  

This picture pretty much summed it up.  The two brothers ready to fight.  Dad telling mom to slow down.  Mom chugging sparkling wine?!  That's impressive.  With all those cupboards, there had to be at least one champagne flute.  Also, that must really hurt to chug drink sparkling wine.  On the other hand, she probably has so much botox above the neck that she can't feel anything.  

Ben should take a look at this photo and run for the hills.

Rose Ceremony 

This season has too many women that get along too well.  I wish Olivia had made it further.  She would have mixed it up.  

Instead, roses (predictably) went to LB, Software Caila, and JoJo Trump.  

Goodbye Mom Amanda.  Hope your five weeks away from home was worth it.