The Bachelor Episode 8: The Mom Everyone's Talking About

Now that I have had a week to really digest the episode, I am finally ready to summarize.  Since the episode aired, I have had ice cream multiple times and whiskey once.  I thought you would want to know that old habits do not, in fact, have to die hard.

This week was hometown dates.  It's a tradition unlike any other.  This episode (almost) had it all. Crazy parents, overprotective older brothers, creepy younger brothers, drinking, and mansions.  One glaring omission: Ben did not ask any of the dads for their daughter's hands-in-marriage.  Foreshadowing?

Laguna Beach with Mom Amanda

It's official.  The helicopter romance is over.  No more private concerts.  Goodbye slow dances.  This hometown was all about what it would be like to be a stepdad.

I had the same look earlier this morning.

Ben met up with Mom Amanda on the beach.  She said she had not seen her kids yet.  How is this possible?  Once again, I'm starting to believe that Fleiss and Co. may not be telling us the whole truth.  

Mom Amanda said she's never been away from her kids for more than four days.  Did she forget the last five weeks on ABC's hit dramady, The Bachelor?

Mom Amanda's daughters arrived at the beach.  The older one, approximately five years old, was wearing a significant amount of makeup.  If this is normal for five year olds, I am scared.  But like all things on the Bachelor, I should assume this is not normal. 

During the car ride from the beach, Mom Amanda's younger daughter turned on the charm.  She cried, and cried, and cried, and cried.  And Amanda's chances of getting a rose went down, and down, and down, and down.  

Back at the house, Amanda's dad said Ben looked like a "deer caught in headlights."  Though that's his usual look, this did not bode well for Amanda.

Knowing that Amanda was not going to win made this hometown especially painful.  Good luck in the rose ceremony.

Portland LB

After a failed attempt at stepdadding, Ben headed off to Portland.  I really wanted them to go to my favorite (fictional?) bookstore.

They stopped by some of Portland's famous food trucks.  While I'd like to make fun of this hipster garbage, I had an amazing 3 am grilled cheese in Portland last year.

The date continued on to a whiskey bar.  LB describes all the whiskey as "so romantic."  Do women find whiskey romantic?  If so, I am the Monday night Don Juan of romance.  

Back at the house, Ben met LB's family.  Most importantly, he met her sister.  LB's sister was better looking than her.  I can't place this in historical Bachelor context, but I don't think it is a good sign.  

Even though LB didn't say I love you, I have no doubt she's getting a rose.

Hudson, Ohio - Software Caila

Software is from many places, and her parents currently live in Hudson, OH.  I'm not sure where this town is.  Actually, I'm not really sure where Ohio is, come to think of it.  

Hudson did look very American; very picturesque.  John Kasich may want to shoot a few promos with Hudson in the background.  

Caila's dad is a toy manufacturing CEO, and he looks like he's a child.  This seems like a reverse-Big.  It also seems like Caila is a female Tommy Boy.  They wore hard hats on the factory floor.  All of the employees seemed to know Caila.  Ben should choose her and become a heir to the toy dynasty.    

Back at Caila's house, I spent most of the time wondering what the hell she's talking about.  She's doing some kind of Jedi mind trick on Ben's feeble mind.  

My favorite part of the date was when Ben confessed that he had never met a Filipino person.  Yowza.  No one should ever go on this show.  There is no way to come out of it looking good.  

I spent most of the date trying to figure out Caila's dad.  He looks so young.  But maybe he's just a short guy?  Mrs. Wags thinks he's a former figure skater.  He's got a Scott Hamilton thing going on.  

Dallas - JoJo Trump

As real Trump gets more popular, JoJo Trump is beginning to lose steam.  

The day started with JoJo excited to receive some surprise roses.  Presumably from Ben, right?  Right?  WRONG.  Fleiss and Co. had other ideas.  The roses were from her ex-bf Chad.    Apparently, Chad is not over JoJo and wants her back.  JoJo decided to call Chad and tell him its done forever.  Like deciding to go on the show, this was a bad decision.  Of course, Ben arrived mid-conversation, and JoJo had to tell all.  (This is all so fake.  I'm done writing about it.)  

Trump's home was stereotypically Dallas.  Huge mansion.  Her mom had all forms of plastic surgery. Her brothers seemed to be meathead former college football players.  Her dad looked like a skinny Sgt. Slaughter.  Usually, at least one Bachelor contestant's families will ruin their chances.  This year, JoJo is the one.  

This picture pretty much summed it up.  The two brothers ready to fight.  Dad telling mom to slow down.  Mom chugging sparkling wine?!  That's impressive.  With all those cupboards, there had to be at least one champagne flute.  Also, that must really hurt to chug drink sparkling wine.  On the other hand, she probably has so much botox above the neck that she can't feel anything.  

Ben should take a look at this photo and run for the hills.

Rose Ceremony 

This season has too many women that get along too well.  I wish Olivia had made it further.  She would have mixed it up.  

Instead, roses (predictably) went to LB, Software Caila, and JoJo Trump.  

Goodbye Mom Amanda.  Hope your five weeks away from home was worth it.