The Bachelorette Episode 8: Hometowns

So Mrs. Wags and I just returned from a European vacation, and I'm writing a day late with no ice cream.  I panicked and asked Mrs. Wags what I would have with my whiskey.  She replied that I could have part of an Aero bar and/or some digestive biscuits that we brought back from Ireland.  This just is not going to cut it.  After Dugan's ultra-patriotic post from last week, I feel that my Euro-candy and Euro-biscuits are an embarrassment to this blog.  And I apologize.

I can't quit you

On to the show.  We are at that point with four guys left and a marriage proposal could be on the way in a couple short weeks.  It feels like anyone could win, but no one should.  This is definitely the beauty (and horror) of this show.

Hans in Milwaukee

Somehow, I did not realize that Hans (Nick) lives in Milwaukee.  I assumed he lived in some ice castle.  (That was my best attempt at a Frozen reference.  Still haven't seen the movie.  Sorry Dugan).  

Hans wore a scarf on the date that looked suspiciously like Andi's scarf.  I guess Hans knew the blog post was going to start with a Euro theme.  

Hans brought Andi on a beer brewery tour.  I was really hoping they would go to one of Milwaukee's best breweries.  He would be a beast is he brought her there (see where I'm going with this?).  

It's premium

They eventually arrived Hans's parents' home.  His parents have apparently spent the past two decades having kids.  

The Hans Family

Hans had a heart-to-heart with one of his sisters in the basement of the house.  It had a finished basement.  Having spent some time in the midwest and watched many episodes of House Hunters, I know that finished basements are a big deal.  It also had an electric dartboard.  I got a little weepy remembering the home of my favorite electric dartboard:

5,356 games played, $0 spent

Hans talks like he's wearing a retainer.  I probably shouldn't throw stones in glass houses since I have had various retainer devices over the years, but this guy's voice bugs.

Hans riddle: How does his mom look like she could be his older sister and his younger sister look like  she could be his daughter?  Answer: He's his uncle and his brother.

The date ended.  They kissed.  You get the picture.  Hans is a lock for the final three.

John Deere in Iowa

John Deere explained that Arlington, Iowa has a population of 758, but it's 759 today because Andi is here.  Someone needs to explain to Deere how population counts work.  Remind the US Government not to hire JD as a census worker.

At JD's house, Andi asked if his backyard is "the farmland."  This relationship is not going to work out.  

JD then took Andi for a ride on his JOHN DEERE tractor (how apropos).  This relationship is not going to work out.  

JD noted that he's broken the mold because he's a farmer on the Bachelorette.  Andi said that she could live on a farm because "her family has a lake house in the middle of nowhere."  (early favorite for quote of the night). I think he's broken the mold because he's the first farmer in Iowa with a faux-hawk.  

When asked what she would do in Iowa, Deere responded that she could be a homemaker.  

This is not going to work out

John Deere's mom, Mrs. Deere, told Andi that living on a farm takes gumption. This relationship is not going to work out.  

After a quick game of Sardines, Andi left.  The date seemed to go well.  I'll be shocked if he makes it another round.

Josh Griffey Jr. in Tampa

Let me start by saying I cannot stand this guy.  I roll my eyes at every word he says.  His face bugs me.  His voice bugs me.  This is going to be difficult.  

Josh is a former baseball player (in case you forgot), so of course he took Andi to a baseball field.  In case you were wondering if he was good, he was not.  In case you were wondering if he ever played in the majors, he did not.  But once again, I only played JV baseball in high school, so maybe I should pipe down:

Josh's brother is Aaron Murray, former star quarterback at Georgia and now in the NFL with the Kansas City Chiefs.  Looks like Andi got the wrong brother.  Here's Aaron.

Rich

Josh's mom says that Josh is "very sincere."  That's the last word I would use to describe Josh.  I take that back.  It's the second-to-last word I would use.  "Intelligent" is #1.  

The family went to the backyard and played some pickup football.  I was hoping Aaron throw one off of Josh's forehead, but not all dreams come true (e.g. Josh's MLB dream...that's mean....I take that back....no I don't).

The date ended.  As all hometown dates must.

Marcus Gosling in Dallas

Gosling drove Andi to a penthouse suite in his Benz and then stripped for Andi in a sailor outfit.  Andi seemed to be having flash-fowards to the fantasy suite, describing Gosling as "the hottest guy she's ever dated."  This is one of those moments that would be hard to watch if one of the other three guy's win it all.  

Mrs. Wags just asked me, "who is this guy?"  When people ask me if Mrs. Wags makes me watch the show, I quickly reply, "I make her watch the show."  This moment was undeniable proof that I am not lying.  

Andi met Gosling's mom, siblings, and nieces.  Gosling's dad left when they were kids, forcing Gosling's older brother into a father-figure role.  In one of the more genuine moments in Bachelor history, Gosling tearfully thanked his older brother for being there for him during the hard times.  It seemed like a nice moment for them.  

On the other hand, it doesn't really seem like Gosling had as many nice moments with Andi during his hometown.  I think he may be on the chopping block. 

Chris Harrison' Home

For the first time ever, we got to see the inside of Chris Harrison's home.  Hopefully this is foreshadowing next season on the Bachelor when 25 lucky ladies vie for Chris Harrison's love.  

Andi and the four guys were brought there to hear that Dora died in a paragliding accident.  There were lots of tears.  It was too serious, and thus, unbloggable.

Rose Ceremony

The tears continued into the rose ceremony, but the show must go on.

Getting their rose tickets to the fantasy suite were Josh Griffey Jr., John Deere, and Hans.

Marcus Gosling went home.  Not too surprising.  

Until next week, when Dugan makes all your fantasies come true.  

The Bachelorette Episode 7: World Cup Edition

For those that do not know, the United States of America is taking on Belgium in a soccerball match on July 1st to decide who will advance in the world soccerball tournament in Brasil. This was a bad day to have the Bachelor have dates in Belgium and Dugan have the reins of the blog.

This is the last week before hometowns. You know what I think about when I hear hometowns? You are god damn right - I think about Bruce Springsteen.

Back at the hotel, even the guys are getting into the world cup competitive action. Hans (Nick), Gosling and Deere are playing for Europe with team scarf and Josh, Coach and Les Dylan are representing 'Merica with their vintage Bachelor hoodies.

Advantage? AMERICA.

Gosling goes full Brussels

This was a food heavy date and they start off with mussels from Brussels? Seriously. Mussels are delicious but they fall way behind the much more famous Muscles from Brussels.

What have I done? Jean Claude Van Damme on the eve of the US-Belgium game? There's only one image that I can think of that will get America back on top of the image game.

Yo, Rocky, you did it.

After some chocolate waffles and other belgian treats, Gosling and Andy retreat to the Academy Palace. Andi must have heard "Palace at Auburn Hills" because she was dressed like an NBA dancer. Mrs. Dugan and I uttered the following words within second spitfire style:

• Underboob
• Hood rat
• Back up dancer

Then at the exact same time: PRETTY WOMAN! I would bother to photoshop their faces but this is exactly what I am going for in this picture.

After Gosling, After Hours, and the Worst Hotel Security in the World

Gosling returns to discuss how well his date went with the remaining guys. Hans doesn’t want to hear about it. He i) walks up to the desk at the hotel, ii) very quickly explains that he has lost his key, iii) needs a replacement, and iv) needs a key to a women's room because it is actually his wife. This past weekend, I marathon watched True Detective. True Detective respects its viewer's intelligence. This move proves Fleiss & Co. have finally lost it. Or that their fans are the dumbest people on the planet. HEY! I take offense.

Josh Ghents a One-on-One

There really was not much to this date outside of the porno lighting make out session. I did enjoy the chocolate and the Duck Parade. That’s not a euphemism. That’s what it was.

Tour de Belgium

We begin the date with a grueling rail bike excursion to the Belgium countryside. Nick, Dylan, Brian, Chris....WHO? Hans, Les, Coach and John Deere. Way better...I was completely lost there for a minute.

They visit an Abbey with Monks where no kissing is allowed.

For those reading, you have to imagine how writing a Bachelor blog goes. You are half paying attention while searching for images of university presidents named "Monk" when you hear that Andi and John Deere have left the Abbey to go to a Pottery Barn.

Hell yeah my head whipped up to the TV screen. Did I see Andi and Deere drowning in earth tones in a suburban mall? No. I saw them reenacting the pottery scene from ghost. It was a pottery barn. Not a Pottery Barn. That should make sense for those who have a remedial understanding of the English language. Not so fast you French, Dutch, and German speaking Belgianese.

Coach draws up a perfect play but Hans intercepts the rose. It took a while but all the guys (sans Les Dylan since he was smart enough to sleep this one out) ganged up on Hans for the one true sin in Bachelor/etteville: NOT BEING HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS.

It's Rose Ceremony Time and Hans is Safe

• Deere takes some alone time to give the hard sell on Iowa. Truly. NORTHEAST IOWA. Population 700. Considering I just binged on True Detective, I picture Northeast Iowa a lot like Carcosa but in Iowa. You’ll love it, Andi.
• Dylan gave his pitch for a hometown: At least its not Iowa.
• Hans is crying. I don’t know why because I wasn’t listening.

Who is joining Hans?

• Josh
• Gosling
• Deere

Coach got to hear laughs during his goodbye confessional. #Ouch.

And just for good measure. GO AMERICA!!!

The Bachelorette Episode 6: The Elite(?) Eight

So I was listening to a Bachelorette podcast, and the hosts mentioned that we are down to eight guys this week.  Poor Andi.  That means she has probably reached the point where she cannot really see herself with any of these guys.  It is really the tragedy (and the beauty) of this show.  Consistently mediocre mantestants.  But let me tell you something that's consistently good: whiskey and ice cream...the San Francisco treat.  On with the show...

But before we begin, reread the word "mantestant."  Maybe it's the whiskey talking, but that reads funny.  Okay, now really on with the show...

This episode will take place in Venice.  That's in Italy.  Water taxis, gondolas, pigeons.  You know, that Venice.  

Way off

Closer

That's the one.

Solo Date #1: Hans Nick

Hans, the soon-to-be-if-not-already-a-villain, got the first date, much to the chagrin of Cody, the Albino Rhino.  Rhino is the only guy that has not had a solo date.  Hans better watch out, because the Albino Rhino is clearly capable of pulling a Mountain-on-the-Red Viper head squeeze.  (If you don't know what I'm talking about, we're not friends.  Also, google it).

Back at the hotel, the guys were pretty excited about the "amenities."  If you forgot your toothpaste, call the front desk.  Mini fridge?!  YES!

On the date, Hans and Andi walked around, marveling at "how they made that," and "wow that's old."  Though I feel quick to criticize, it's probably a good thing that I was not mic'd up for some of my comments during Mrs. Wags's and my European travels.  

Said Wags

So this Hans guy has a speech impediment.  I'm not the only one that's noticed that, right?  Dugan and I would never have let him on our college radio show we had together (see how I dropped that trivia in there?).

In the evening portion of the date, Hans got to wear a tux:

Andi met him in a gondola with no one else around.  That was the real magic of the date.  How the heck did Fleiss and Co. pull that off in one of the more crowded cities in the world?  I guess it's good to have that ABC money, baby!  

Hans apologized for describing himself as the front runner, and then pulled a front runner move by saying he feels like he's falling in love.  You salty villain, you.  

Hans, looking like Daniel Craig's 7 year-old brother in his tux, got the date rose.

They capped off the date with a slow dance wearing masquerade ball masks.  I feel like there's a Phantom of the Opera joke in there somewhere, but I'm more of a Jesus Christ Superstar guy.

Group Date: Josh Griffey Jr, Coach Brian, Les Dylan, Marcus Gosling, JJ Dockers, and John Deere Chris

Before the group date, Andi got her third secret admirer letter.  She seems pretty interested in figuring out who it is (I'm hoping for Albino Rhino or Les Dylan; two guys with zero chance of winning it all).

The date was in Monselice, Italy.  They went to a medieval armory.  Fight to the death! Fight to the death! Fight to the death!  Alas, it was sadly not to be.  Instead, two of "Italy's finest lie detectors" were going to administer a test to each guy and Andi.  The guys seemed more nervous than expected. 

Some of the best lie detectors answers were provided by Les Dylan.  He has slept with over twenty women, but does not wash his hands after he goes to the bathroom.  Though I was skeptical at first, I am beginning to think these guys might actually be the best lie detectors in all of Italy.  

The test also revealed that John Deere is the secret admirer.  He just never could have imagined that his secret would be given up in a lie detector test.   Snooze.  Alarm.  Snooze.  

The results came in:  Three men told no lies.  Two told two lies.  One told three lies.  But Andi the lying DA told two lies.  

Andi decided to rip up the results.  I'll bet she wouldn't have done that if she had told the truth.  You know who never lies?  Chris Harrison and Neil Lane. 

In the evening portion of the date, Marcus Gosling was his usual serious self.  He said he almost left the show, but decided to stay.  Andi seemed impressed by this and started making out with him.  

Josh Griffey Jr. felt that Andi doesn't trust him because of the lie detector test.  He was also very happy that she ripped up the results.  Josh needs to chill out.  Les Dylan is the Lothario with pee pee hands.  

John Deere revealed that he is the secret admirer.  Andi liked it.  Good for you Mr. Deere, you get to stay on the show until the Top 4, but no further.  

The group date rose went to John Deere.  JJ Dockers got his fancy pants in a bunch about everyone congratulating John Deere.  Dockers wants this to be a fight to the death.  Dockers has officially stopped being polite and started getting real.  

Solo Date #2: Albino Rhino Cody

Rhino and Andi went to Verona, the setting for Romeo and Juliet.  On the date, they went to a Juliet Institute.  Apparently, this is like Italy's North Pole.  People write letters to Juliet and expect a response.  The Institute sends responses back to these people.  I hope there are not a lot of public funds going towards this "Institute."  

ADAI (American Dear Abby Institute)

At night, the Albino Rhino seemed like he might actually be a pretty nice guy.  The Rhino put his heart on the line and said how he wants to introduce her to his family, but Andi was not (and was never) feeling it.  In a tear-filled goodbye, Andi sent the Rhino back to his natural habitat.  

As the Rhino exited, I asked Mrs. Wags if Andi's pants looked a little "strange."  Mrs. Wags made the observation I was not prepared to verbalize: "they don't call that color camel for nothing."  

Rose Ceremony 

As usual, Hans had a rose already and jumped up to talk to talk to Andi first.  When Dugan and I write our book, "The Unwritten Rules of the Bachelor/ette," hogging time with the Bachlorette when you already have a rose will be our version of Thou Shalt Not Steal.  By the way, I am going to start using "shalt" in conversation more often.  I shalt not have another whiskey tonight.  

Joining Hans and John Deere with roses were:

Les Dylan (shocked)

Coach Brian

Marcus Gosling

Josh Griffey Jr.

After Les Dylan took the first rose, there was no other logical result than JJ Dockers going home.  But congratulations Dockers, you got to promote your pants company for six weeks.  

Until next week, when thou shalt enjoy Dugan's analysis of Brussels...

The Bachelorette Episode 5: Parlez-vous Français?

This week, we open up the passports and land in Marseilles, France. We get a two one-on-ones and a group date and Josh Griffey Jr. is batting lead off.

Before the dates begin, our beloved host Harrison sits down with Andy to discuss her proficiency in french (Il parle mal le français). Harrison grills Andy whether she is falling in love and the possibility she is falling in love with more guys. Hey hey, we are in France, oui? C'est la vie.

Andy and Josh Griffey Jr. Set Sail

Could two people be more out of place in the South of France? I feel like they belong at a Hooters grand opening together, not a yacht in the Mediterranean. Josh brings up that he was a 2nd round pick. How often do you think Josh brings this up? Considering he's 29 and this happened when he was 17...we are 12 years removed from the height of his athletic prowess. Now, if I am Josh, I am bragging about the draft and not my career .213 batting average with the Ogden Raptors, Beloit Snappers, West Virginia Power, Brevard County Manatees, or Charlotte County Redfish.

It was not his poor average, fielding, slugging or general overall play that kept him from the majors...or even his failure to make Double A ball, it was Josh's desire to be with and have a family.  I'll buy that because he did join brother and All Time Sec Passer Aaron Murray at UGA after baseball flamed out.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch (do you know how to say "ranch" in french? ranch.), Hans and Dockers try to stir up shit by telling Famous Amos that Frat Bro 1 commented about Andy keeping the black guys. This turns out to be a relatively minor incident as Frat Bro 1 denies it and Famous Amos takes him at his word. However...Famous Amos gives us hints of a Mesnick and Flajnik. We know the Mesnick is the hunched over the balcony with tears and the Flajnic is a Mesnick without tears. Famos Amos pulled a Flajnik at the balcony but later looked like tears turned it into a Mesflaj. A what?

The best part was Frat Bro 1's denial included some rap references:
"With so much drama in the A-B-C
It's kinda hard bein Frat Bro O-N-E"

Griffey Date Highlights

• They go to Palais Longchamp where they make purses
• Josh Griffey got cheated on by having a girlfriend kiss another guy. 
• That’s enough for Andy. She let's her guard down now and gives up the rose. Be careful, Andy. Coach Mark Jackson will warn you: Hand down = Man down.
• Josh Griffey is securely in the pole position and front-runner to take the Final Rose

Sublime Mime Rhyme Time by the Seine

Ok, except for that first and last part. We get a group date of miming with Gosling, Les Dylan, John Deere, Famous Amos, Albino Rhino, Dockers, Hans, Frat Bro 2 and Frat Bro 1. I really like how the Frat Bros stick together.

Let's give a run down of the events

• Guys were not thrilled nor good.
• The Albino Rhino raps. God, please let the Albino Rhino stay on this show forever. I want this to be "Choose Your Own Adventure" Bachelorette and I choose the Albino Rhino has to mime the rest of the season.
• They were so bad they made babies cry.
• Hans really not enjoying the mime date

• Albino Rhino and Hans square off about Hans teasing him for being too "thankful"
• NEWSFLASH - this qualifies as reality show drama.

We have three leaders in the clubhouse and all the other guys could go home.

1. Hans with the Mental/Emotional connection
2. Josh Griffey Jr  with the Physical connection
3. Gosling to stay on the show long enough to cement next Bachelor

Andy asks whether Hans is a little manipulative? YES!!!! Watch Frozen now!!! Run away from Hans. He's trying to kill your sister and steal the kingdom of Arendelle. Dockers gets the group date rose.

Coach is Not a Chef

Coach has one of the worst dates that ended up with a rose in the history of the Bachelor/ette. It began nice with a movie and some market shopping. That went well. Then, they decided to cook a meal together.

Save time. Don't watch the cooking scene. This clip does it justice.



Although if you don't watch, you'll miss the quote of the night:

Andi: “How do you like your broccoli?”
Coach: “Different ways”

It got weird.



Brian on the basketball court >>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Brian in the kitchen. Luckily for Coach, there are simply worse men than him left on the show and he secures the rose. Along with a big 'ol green light for future kissing. Andi ended the cooking massacre and brought him out to dinner. This is what they discussed:



It's Rose Ceremony Time and Let's Cut the Chit Chat

No cocktails. 3 cuts. Let’s get to business. Josh Griffey safe. Dockers safe. Coach safe.

Who else is getting a rose?

Gosling.
Hans.
John Deere.
Les Dylan.
Albino Rhino!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Goodbye Frat Bro 1 and 2 and Famous Amos

So glad they got to stick together the entire season.

Off to Venice next week with Tim as your tour guide to love.