The Bachelorette(s) Episode 6: Hans the Heel

So I was just doing a little research about ice cream.  I found out that King Tang of Shang invented ice cream.  I then figured that his name required at least a cursory google image search.  Much to my delight, here he is:

The Next Bachelor

How badly do I want his hat?  The answer: very badly.  I wish more contestants on the Bachelor wore more creative clothing like this.  How many monochromatic v-necks can we handle?  Tonight, let's be inspired by King Tang and get weird.  Without further ado, it's Hans time....

Hans

Hans arrived to meet the guys and received a predictably chilly reception.  Tanner Dog broke the ice by noting that the tabloids said Hans hung out with Andi a few weeks ago.  Though the guys are not allowed to watch TV or make phone calls, apparently they are allowed to read all issues of US Weekly and People.  

Welder Josh then tried to take on Hans.  The Welder seemed troubled by Hans calling Kaitlyn a "cool chick," while he sees her as an "amazing woman."  It seems like a nit picky distinction.  Mrs. Wags observed that Welder Josh is an "industrial" welder and is used to dealing with massive tools.  Boom Hans.  

Cocktail Party

All of the guys went to Citi Field for the cocktail party.  Citi Field is used to housing baseball players that are losers, so it should accommodate the Bachelorette contestants with ease.  

Speaking of losers, Federal JJ decided to run around the bases carrying Kaitlyn.  Kaitlyn asked to touch "home base."  Not much baseball in Canada, eh?

Ugly Gosling, deeply troubled and unnecessarily threatened by Hans, told Kaitlyn that he wished she were smarter and should not have brought Hans back.  Since when is intelligence a valued trait on this show?  (Sidenotes: Mrs. Wags pointed out that the ugly duckling became the swan in the end.  Also, clams have the highest amount of iron of any food.  She's having trouble focusing).  

Mid-show Rose Ceremony

In the freezing cold polar vortex rose ceremony, Chris Harrison made the briefest appearance in recent memory.  Joining Dr. Harris DDS, Justin, and Chris Quinn with roses was:

Role Models Ben

Trainer Ben

Ugly Gosling

Tanner Dog

American Pharaoh Joe

Hit n Run Ian

Federal Prisoner JJ

Welder Josh

Hans

Ice skating back to the hotel roseless was Detroit Jonathan, Realtor Ryan, and One of the Two Coreys.

In an effort to get out of the heat (and save some production money), Fleiss & Co. decided to take the show to San Antonio. I can't wait to learn about San Antonio, because all I know right now is the river walk, the Alamo, and Tim Duncan.  

Solo Date #1: Role Models Ben

Welder Josh saw them drive off on their date and said he really missed his truck.  I feel similarly about my car.

Kaitlyn drove Role Model to a classic dance hall in order to learn how to dance.  Later that night, they were scheduled to dance in a two-step competition later that night.  I hope Role Models takes to dancing better than me.  After two months of dance lessons in preparation for Mrs. Wags and my first dance, I still biffed it.  

The live band thankfully played songs that included instructions in the words (slow....quick, quick....slow).  I love songs that have dance instructions.

The date continued to a rooftop dinner.  With the requisite amount of Chardonnay and a strong rooftop breeze, Role Model opened up about past relationships. When asked if he's ready for commitment since he's only 26, Role Models responded that there's always a lot of fear when starting a relationship. Really?  Fear?  I only experience fear when watching a preview of The Whispers or when Lebron drives to the hoop.

Role Models earned the date rose.

Group Date: Justin, Chris Quinn Jared, Hit n Run Ian, Dr. Harris DDS, Tanner Dog, American Pharaoh Joe, Federal JJ, Trainer Ben, Welder Josh, and Hans

The date started off with a 12 year old mariachi singer named Sebastian De La Cruz serenading Kaitlyn.  I thought he looked familiar.  I was right.  Remember this?

Kaitlyn challenged the guys to mariachi serenade her.  It was a given that they were all going to be terrible.  At least they all gave max effort.  

The evening portion of the date was at a ranch house.  Welder Josh decided to let Kaitlyn cut his hair. Kaitlyn, apparently a very amateur barber, may never work for Vidal Sassoon, but she definitely could be the best stylist at SuperCuts.  

Welder Josh decided to air his Hans-grievances with Kaitlyn.  Experienced fans know this is the kiss-of-death.  

When Kaitlyn entered the room to confront the guys, all of them stood up.  Though this is probably out of respect, it would be awesome to have Chris Harrison standing by as the Bachelorette-Bailiff.  When Kaitlyn enters the room, Harrison booms "All rise.  Hear Ye. Hear Ye.  I present the Bachelorette Kaitlyn Bristowe.  You may be seated."  

With Neil Lane as Judge Harry Crane

Kaitlyn gave the date rose to Hans, almost taunting the other guys.  

Solo Date #2: Ugly Gosling

If you're wondering why Mrs. Wags has not chimed in recently, it's because she's been asleep for the last hour.  

The date was kayaking down the river.  Kaitlyn said she had never been kayaking before.  This was shocking to me at first, but then I realized that maybe I've just been brought up so privileged to think that everyone has kayaked of course.  This requires a poll for me to sort out my life.  

Have you ever kayaked?

Yes

No

 

pollcode.com free polls

On the date, Ugly Gosling revealed that he got in a bad car accident, barely survived, and recently started wearing seat belts.  Ugly confessed that it's hard to let your guard down and fall in love.  I just had a weird realization:  this show feels like a romantic comedy; almost scripted.  Do you think it's possible that the contestants on this show are all aspiring actors?  Nah.  Neil Lane would never allow it.  

To no one's surprise, Ugly Gosling got a date rose.  

Back at the House

Wasting no time, Hit n Run Ian delivered the QOTN: "I don't understand why Kaitlyn wouldn't want a Princeton graduate, former model, that defied death and has been around the world a couple times." Maybe she's looking for a guy with some humility.  You don't hear Ugly Gosling bragging about how he once beat 10 levels of Candy Crush in one day.  

Cocktail Party #2

Chris Quinn Jared said he's falling in love with Kaitlyn.  It sure seems like guys are pulling the love-trigger a little early this season.  

Hit n Run Ian topped of his previous QOTN with another dandy: "I have a lot of sex."  Well then.  

Hit n Run decided to go out with "guns blazing."  He told Kaitlyn that he's done with guys making "fart jokes, poop jokes, and sex jokes."  He then called her shallow and accused her of having nothing below the surface.  

For the fourth week in a row...to be continued until next week.

The Bachelorette Episode 6: The Elite(?) Eight

So I was listening to a Bachelorette podcast, and the hosts mentioned that we are down to eight guys this week.  Poor Andi.  That means she has probably reached the point where she cannot really see herself with any of these guys.  It is really the tragedy (and the beauty) of this show.  Consistently mediocre mantestants.  But let me tell you something that's consistently good: whiskey and ice cream...the San Francisco treat.  On with the show...

But before we begin, reread the word "mantestant."  Maybe it's the whiskey talking, but that reads funny.  Okay, now really on with the show...

This episode will take place in Venice.  That's in Italy.  Water taxis, gondolas, pigeons.  You know, that Venice.  

Way off

Closer

That's the one.

Solo Date #1: Hans Nick

Hans, the soon-to-be-if-not-already-a-villain, got the first date, much to the chagrin of Cody, the Albino Rhino.  Rhino is the only guy that has not had a solo date.  Hans better watch out, because the Albino Rhino is clearly capable of pulling a Mountain-on-the-Red Viper head squeeze.  (If you don't know what I'm talking about, we're not friends.  Also, google it).

Back at the hotel, the guys were pretty excited about the "amenities."  If you forgot your toothpaste, call the front desk.  Mini fridge?!  YES!

On the date, Hans and Andi walked around, marveling at "how they made that," and "wow that's old."  Though I feel quick to criticize, it's probably a good thing that I was not mic'd up for some of my comments during Mrs. Wags's and my European travels.  

Said Wags

So this Hans guy has a speech impediment.  I'm not the only one that's noticed that, right?  Dugan and I would never have let him on our college radio show we had together (see how I dropped that trivia in there?).

In the evening portion of the date, Hans got to wear a tux:

Andi met him in a gondola with no one else around.  That was the real magic of the date.  How the heck did Fleiss and Co. pull that off in one of the more crowded cities in the world?  I guess it's good to have that ABC money, baby!  

Hans apologized for describing himself as the front runner, and then pulled a front runner move by saying he feels like he's falling in love.  You salty villain, you.  

Hans, looking like Daniel Craig's 7 year-old brother in his tux, got the date rose.

They capped off the date with a slow dance wearing masquerade ball masks.  I feel like there's a Phantom of the Opera joke in there somewhere, but I'm more of a Jesus Christ Superstar guy.

Group Date: Josh Griffey Jr, Coach Brian, Les Dylan, Marcus Gosling, JJ Dockers, and John Deere Chris

Before the group date, Andi got her third secret admirer letter.  She seems pretty interested in figuring out who it is (I'm hoping for Albino Rhino or Les Dylan; two guys with zero chance of winning it all).

The date was in Monselice, Italy.  They went to a medieval armory.  Fight to the death! Fight to the death! Fight to the death!  Alas, it was sadly not to be.  Instead, two of "Italy's finest lie detectors" were going to administer a test to each guy and Andi.  The guys seemed more nervous than expected. 

Some of the best lie detectors answers were provided by Les Dylan.  He has slept with over twenty women, but does not wash his hands after he goes to the bathroom.  Though I was skeptical at first, I am beginning to think these guys might actually be the best lie detectors in all of Italy.  

The test also revealed that John Deere is the secret admirer.  He just never could have imagined that his secret would be given up in a lie detector test.   Snooze.  Alarm.  Snooze.  

The results came in:  Three men told no lies.  Two told two lies.  One told three lies.  But Andi the lying DA told two lies.  

Andi decided to rip up the results.  I'll bet she wouldn't have done that if she had told the truth.  You know who never lies?  Chris Harrison and Neil Lane. 

In the evening portion of the date, Marcus Gosling was his usual serious self.  He said he almost left the show, but decided to stay.  Andi seemed impressed by this and started making out with him.  

Josh Griffey Jr. felt that Andi doesn't trust him because of the lie detector test.  He was also very happy that she ripped up the results.  Josh needs to chill out.  Les Dylan is the Lothario with pee pee hands.  

John Deere revealed that he is the secret admirer.  Andi liked it.  Good for you Mr. Deere, you get to stay on the show until the Top 4, but no further.  

The group date rose went to John Deere.  JJ Dockers got his fancy pants in a bunch about everyone congratulating John Deere.  Dockers wants this to be a fight to the death.  Dockers has officially stopped being polite and started getting real.  

Solo Date #2: Albino Rhino Cody

Rhino and Andi went to Verona, the setting for Romeo and Juliet.  On the date, they went to a Juliet Institute.  Apparently, this is like Italy's North Pole.  People write letters to Juliet and expect a response.  The Institute sends responses back to these people.  I hope there are not a lot of public funds going towards this "Institute."  

ADAI (American Dear Abby Institute)

At night, the Albino Rhino seemed like he might actually be a pretty nice guy.  The Rhino put his heart on the line and said how he wants to introduce her to his family, but Andi was not (and was never) feeling it.  In a tear-filled goodbye, Andi sent the Rhino back to his natural habitat.  

As the Rhino exited, I asked Mrs. Wags if Andi's pants looked a little "strange."  Mrs. Wags made the observation I was not prepared to verbalize: "they don't call that color camel for nothing."  

Rose Ceremony 

As usual, Hans had a rose already and jumped up to talk to talk to Andi first.  When Dugan and I write our book, "The Unwritten Rules of the Bachelor/ette," hogging time with the Bachlorette when you already have a rose will be our version of Thou Shalt Not Steal.  By the way, I am going to start using "shalt" in conversation more often.  I shalt not have another whiskey tonight.  

Joining Hans and John Deere with roses were:

Les Dylan (shocked)

Coach Brian

Marcus Gosling

Josh Griffey Jr.

After Les Dylan took the first rose, there was no other logical result than JJ Dockers going home.  But congratulations Dockers, you got to promote your pants company for six weeks.  

Until next week, when thou shalt enjoy Dugan's analysis of Brussels...