Dugan's back, tell a friend.
Before beginning my first review of the season, I have to give a heartfelt thanks to WWT's founding father Tim and his dominating Tim Lincecum style performance on the season. All without bullpen help.
Panama Past and Present
When I thought about Panama, two images popped into my mind: Manual Noriega and the Panama Canal.
After this week's episode, I'll add another image: Donald Trumps' Vagina Tower.
Thank you, Donald Trump. And Fleiss & Co.
Ben & Kacie's Deserted Island
Kacie B. gets the first one-on-one in Panama on a deserted island with Ben. (Sidebar - Dugan hasn't watched all the episodes and isn't on top of his game with this season's nicknames, etc. So when the date card is announced, I turn to Mrs. Dugan to the reaction of one of the women upset with Kacie's second one-on-one and ask, "What does Tim call Horse Teeth?" Mrs Dugan responds, "Her real name is Blakeley...the VIP cocktail waitress?" These are wonderful discussions to have. I love this show). As for the date, how "deserted" is an island that comes with a helicopter and pilot?
While Dugan may not have his own winery, he has chopped a coconut with a machete and thrown a cast net. I also have serious doubts about that fish they caught with that "casting net." That net is not used to catch fish like the one it did. SHENANIGANS, Fleiss & Co. SHENANIGANS. We'll just call it fishy and leave it at that.
Kacie B. decides to share her dark secret that forced her to grow up fast. I won't pass judgment on Kacie B for her high school battles with eating disorders, but she better tread lightly when compared to witnessing your step father murder your mother (Ella), having your fiance die in a plane crash days before you find out you are pregnant with said dead fiance's baby (Emily), etc etc etc. Ben eats up the sob story and gives Kacie B another serving of rose.
The Bachelor: Running the Chagres
I take the title for the group date from relative and author Joe Kane's Running the Amazon. Buy, read and you won't regret. Emily, Nicki Top 3, Seabiscuit, Kasey S. House Bitch and Jamie's group date is also RN Jamie's introduction to the season. Beyond a blurb about adopting and raising her siblings (take notes, Kacie B), this is the first time we have met Jamie all season. There isn't much to say except that House Bitch enjoys attention - even from aboriginal tribes.
At the after party:
- Seabiscuit is fast out of the gate.
- HB steals the attention of Ben away from Jaime when she rocks the white bikini.
- Emily actually talks about herself and Ben instead of obsessing over HB.
- But ladies, the race is over for this rose and Seabiscuit lapped the field.
Blakeley v. Bangs McGee: Save the Last Dance
Blakeley wore her second onesie of the season. A woman in my office told me that it's called a "romper" but I believe they are onesies. I have a lot of them in my house. They belong to the two people under 24 months of age. Blakeley brings it on the dance floor and is willing to go the extra mile to show Ben she's interested. She made a scrapbook to show things Ben loves.
Note things Ben loves:
- San Francisco (proper)
- San Francisco (Giants)
- Southern Comfort
- Scotch
- Wine
Not necessarily in that order. Things that Ben doesn't like?
- Blakeley
Ouch.
Goodbye Kacie S.
All we know so far is that Kacie S. is the only girl in the house willing to be friends with HB. Oh, and Harrison just informed us she has a boyfriend she still loves. This really didn't live up to the previews hype until Ben asks her to leave . . . goes back to his balcony . . . leans over . . . COULD IT BE??? A Mesnick? A FUCKING MESNICK?!?!?
No. So damn close. Only a Flajnik. That's a Mesnik - tears. Don't worry, fans, Kacie S. provides enough tears for a handful of Mesnicks during her minivan exit.
Rose Ceremony
We are getting to the end of the season. Kacie B., Seabiscuit and Bangs McGee have roses. 3 more for the 4 women. RN Jaime painfully throws herself at Ben with the following spoken strategy: "Brace Yourself."
It was painful for the viewer. Worse for Ben. Jaime packs her bags and Nicki Top Three, HB and Emily advance to next week and Belize.
Posts
Dugan Dugan Dugan...great to have you back. Your knowledge of the Bachelor, past and present, is truly unrivalled. When we watched the show on Monday, Liz and I were also commenting on the Mesnick. I'm not sure who has an unglier cry, Mesnick or the Paris Hilton wannabe.
ReplyDeleteNon-sequitur: last year, Liz and I bought an Apple computer. Though superior in most every way, your post made me realize how much I miss the simple genius of Microsoft Paint. Do any of our 5 readers out there know of any equivalent for Apple? Maybe I'll just have to ask my friend Jeeves.
Re-sequitur: My favorite moment of the show was the awkward and annoying kissing display made by Jamie. First, she reassures the camera that she is going to go for the kiss. Then she makes annoying small talk with Ben. This was followed by House B disrobing behind them and effectively shifting Ben's attention. Finally, Jamie goes for the kiss during the rose ceremony, but only after verbally writing the script to the kiss with Ben and Fleiss and Co. "Mouth closed, mouth closed, now mouth open, tongue, mouth open...scene." In one of his rare moments of humor, Ben rightly said, "That's how kissing works." Ouch.
Before the rose ceremony, how much real money were you willing to bet that Jamie was getting kicked off? Liz and I settled on $1000 of real money. Too bad Vegas doesn't have those odds.
Hey Dugan, that fish caught on the not-deserted island was a bottom dweller, right? I assume that's why you wouldn't catch it in a net? Oh yeah, I've spent a few days with Dugan in the Florida Keys!!! (I know what you're thinking...it wasn't just the two of us...but it still was really romantic).
I also recommend Uncle Joe's book about the Amazon. A very entertaining real adventure.
Until next week, when our adventure continues in Belize.