Now for the good news: I FOUND AN APPLE EQUIVALENT FOR MICROSOFT PAINT. Get ready for my posts to look like they used to (i.e. crappy copy/paste, middle school handwriting, and general sarcasm). So here's my first go. I'm calling it "What Ben Would Want to Do If He Found Out About the Sex Tape."
On to the episode. According to Comcast TV Guide, this is the seventh episode of season 16. That's amazing. 16 seasons of finding true love. Cheers to YOU Chris Harrison, Fleiss and Co., and ABC.
The show kicked off in Belize with the ladies risking life and limb in a propeller plane landing on a dirt runway. Looks like I won't be going to Belize any time soon if that's their idea of safe air travel.
I take back everything I just wrote about Belize. Chris Harrison is in Belize to tell the girls how important this week is. If Harrison is willing to go to Belize, so am I. This week is "so important" because next week is Hometown Date week. The week after that they go to Sonoma. The week after that is the Reunion. The week after that is the meeting with Neil Lane. Not sure why Harrison needed to fly all the way to Belize to tell us super fans what we already know.
Solo Date #1: Seabiscuit Lynzie
With no fanfare, Ben picked up Seabiscuit in a helicopter. Contestants usually freak out when they see a helicopter. It appears that flying in a helicopter has jumped the Bachelor shark.
Ben informed Seabiscuit that they were going to jump out of the chopper into the "blue hole." I'm no volcanologist (It's a real word. I looked it up.), but that blue hole is just a volcano opening, right?
Naturally, jumping 25 feet out of a helicopter made Seabiscuit feel like she's falling in love. Most volcanologists say that any helicopter jump over 22 feet tends to make a couple fall in love.
Some people have this thing that happens when they have alcohol and their face turns really red. Seabiscuit has this thing that happens when she drinks one glass of wine and she looks like she's been hit by a truck.
At dinner, they decided to put a message in a bottle. Seabiscuit decided to do a "magical fairytale." She then said, "Ben's my Prince Charming because he is a Prince Charming. He's my Prince Charming." This may not make any sense to anyone who speaks English, but it makes complete sense to the horses that Seabiscuit normally hangs out with.
Unfortunately for Seabiscuit, there was no rose at stake in this date.
Solo Date #2: Kendra Emily
Kendra took the Red Baron's plane to Kay Caulker island to meet Ben. What language do they speak in this place? Kay Caulker? Sounds like an island for insurance agents. Like a good neighbor, Kay Caulker is there.
After a quick game of one-on-one basketball, Bendra went looking for lobster. Kendra made the cardinal sin of annoyingness by saying that Ben is "so spontaneous." Fleiss and Co. are spontaneous. Ben is just as spontaneous or maybe not spontaneous as every one of the other previous 15 bachelors.
Bendra did some lobster catching. It looked really difficult. It seemed a little strange that they only caught the ones that had rubber bands around their claws.
Back at the house, the ladies wondered if Kendra's date wasn't going well. Bangs McGee Rachel said, "It's hard to tell." Since none of the ladies are actually on the date, yes, it would be quite hard to tell.
Like the first date, there was no rose available.
Solo Date #3: HOUSE B!!!!!
After threatening to leave the house if she didn't get a solo date, Ben (and Fleiss & Co.) came through for her. The other ladies did not take it well, especially Kacie B. This got me thinking about something on this show. They must all be forced to sit on that couch in the living room together, right? I would love to see how that rule is written up. Are they locked out of their bedrooms? Limited to 3 minutes in the kitchen to fix an alcoholic beverage?
The date began with a trip to some ruins. House B's first question was whether this is where human sacrifices occurred. Ben seemed okay with that thought. I, on the other hand, am not.
House B worried that she is not feeling the spark anymore for Ben. Ben reassured her that he likes her because "he's weird and she's a little weird." I don't think weird is the right word to describe House B. Coquettish is the closest word that is printable. There are many other words that apply. Please feel free to leave them in the comment section.
Though there was no rose available, House B was confident that she delivered the "kill shot" to all the other ladies. If you want more of House B stuck in your head (you do), please watch this wonderful minute-long video:
In a sneaky-great moment in Bachelor history, Ben asked House B if she "has a lot of friends." House B responded, "Yes. I have a lot of guy friends." Ben's look said it all. I'm pretty sure that was not the answer he was hoping for. Ben finally seems like he's on to her charade.
Group Date: Kacie B., Nicki Top 3, and Bangs McGee
Ben surprised the ladies at 4 am for an ocean adventure. Bangs McGee was really excited about all the fun things they could do on the ocean until she heard they were going shark diving. Turns out Bangs is a galeophobe (galeo is Greek for shark...phobe is Greek for Bangs is not going to win).
All of the ladies said they want Ben to meet their families. They all said it in an equally boring way. Though she didn't face any of her fears on this date, Ben gave the rose to Kacie. She's a lock for the final two.
House B said that Kacie is not a threat because she's a "little girl in a boy's body." I'm not even going to go near Microsoft Paint on that one.
Rose Ceremony
Ben, supposedly confident in his decision, called off the cocktail party. As we knew from the previews though, Ben was not all that confident in his decision because he needed to talk to House B. He wanted to make sure she was on the show for the proper grounds (aka "there for the right reasons").
Getting the remaining roses tonight were Nicki Top 3, Seabiscuit, and House B.
Goodbye Bangs McGee (never going to win anyways) and Kendra (blame Fleiss and Co. for making Ben pick House B). Too bad we've seen the end of Bendra.
Until next week's hometown dates.
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I love the return of Apple's version of Paint - some great work particularly HB's beheading. Does that make me a misogynist? I hope not. This episode kind of lost me, but the blog dragged me back in. I am afraid we have a Vienna moment happening. The producers have made HB such a villain that you cannot believe it when she gets kept every week.
ReplyDeleteI don't want to be surprised every week until she eventually "wins." She has little to no interest in Ben, but merely enjoys being a See You Next Tuesday to the other girls.
It's hometown! Bring it on.
I read the recap before I was able to watch the episode, I liked it better that way because WWT picks up on things I general miss. The auto-tuned HB was stuck in my head for the rest of the day. Glad to see the Paint artwork is back! Looking forward to the hometown recap next week.
ReplyDeletei told you that picture of my firecracker boobs was supposed to stay private! geeze louise.
ReplyDelete