The Bachelorette Episode 3: Heartbreak is Worse than Any Illness

After a quick preview of the pain that is on the way, the show started off with "Harrison" telling the guys the schedule of the episode. (I got a little jealous when they called him by his last name...I feel like our blog's relationship with @chrisbharrison goes back way further than these guys)

1st one-on-one date: LL Ben

The date started off with some more dancing. Needless to say, the date started off with a practice session to get ready for a flash mob. Because Ashley is a dancer, right??? Force it on me Fleiss. I'm ready.

The date progressed to the "flash mob" in a public park. They keep talking about a flash mob like we've all heard of it. I know what a sideshow is. I know what ghost riding the whip is. Never really heard of a flash mob though. It was supposed to be a prank on strangers, but it turned out to be a prank on LL Ben. After being "flashed" LL Ben realized that Ashley could be the one. He also said that this was the most amazing first date ever. LL Ben is doing a terrible disservice to lawyers by furthering our reputation as liars.

LL Ben, in a wrinkle-free pink shirt, used the word emoticon in conversation. I heard AIM was a client of his down in Louisiana.

LL Ben got a rose, but I predict he won't last much longer.

Group Date: El Douche, Sonoma Ben, Dentist Blake, Batman, Lucas Oil, Nick, Cell Phone Bill, Bentley, and Chicago Chris

Before the group date started, the Phantom of the Opera music hinted that Batman wanted to take off his mask and show the real Jeff. I was shaking with excitement to see what was underneath the mask. Turns out it's just an old dude with crazy eyes.

The date was at LA's famous comedy store. ABC set up Ashley to get roasted with the help of Jeff Ross. Only Solar Ryan seems to get that there is a line that shouldn't be crossed in this thing.

Lucas Oil started off okay with a joke about El Douche's forehead. Solar Ryan bombed. Dentist Blake did a great job. Batman, thinking he was funny, started by ripping on her flat chest...OUCH. But I forgive Batman because Ashley's a dancer, remember?

Cell Phone Bill, having previously professed his desire to leave the cell phone biz for comedy, got ruthless. He called her "used." Then he said he wished she was "Emily or Chantal." Ashley could not handle Cell Phone's roasting abilities and was reduced to tears. Cell Phone Bill stupidly commented directly on the subjects of all of Ashley's post-Womack therapy sessions.

While crying in the corner, Bentley said that he wanted to comfort her so he could "mess with her head a little" and stop her crying because "crying girls are ugly." Ashley, proving that she has the common sense of a brick, is really into Bentley because he is so genuine and comforting.

Cell Phone Bill thought he would make everything okay by offering to leave the show. Ashley sure did not protest much so Cell Phone left the building and apparently walked all the way to Compton.



The guys all got a chance to comfort Ashley. Batman said he has a 3-legged dog...clank. Chicago Chris said that he thinks she's great...brick. Solar Ryan said he's here for her and she's gorgeous...SWISH.

Ashley decided that the date was going so poorly that she wanted to continue the crappy-date theme and confront Bentley about the intelligence she has on him. Big reveal: the informant is none-other than Michelle "CEMII" Money. When confronted, Bentley blamed CEMII, pointing out that CEMII is crazy. Bentley then said he's there for her and not his miniature golf empire. This ploy worked pretty well, but Solar Ryan still took the date rose.

While Ashley was mentally preparing to head to Salt Lake City to meet Bentley's family on a hometown date, Bentley was packing his bags to go home. But wait wait wait. He needed to say goodbye to Ashley before he left.

Bentley really said this stuff:

"Heartbreak is worse than any illness."
"I wish it was Emily. Ashley is ugly."
"That's a trip dude. It's in my head. I need to go poop it out."
"I'm not feeling it for Ashley at all."
"My daughter is wondering where Daddy is, that's too tough for me."
"I started to tear up a bit. Like a little water. She consoled me."
"It's just a lot of crying. A lot of crying. It's annoying to hold a girl that's crying and crying and crying."
"I kissed her neck a bunch."
"She wrapped her legs around me. We were in a great position to start something."
"I talked to her like a girl I'm really interested in. Except I'm not into her."
"Even though I'm going home, I want to keep the dot-dot-dot there. Dot-dot-dot is better than a period."
"I'm definitely done on the Ashley front."
"Definitely the type of girl I would totally hook up with."
"Things could have turned out differently if the Bachelorette was Emily."

After this was all over, Ashley threw a Mesnick-level fit. She sobbed, sniffled, and talked to herself.



Ashley said that Bentley's exit scared her into thinking that this process might not work. Hey Ashley, I think the track record of previous Bachelor relationships should be an indication that the "process" might not work.

2nd one-on-one date: Cupcake

Cupcake showed up with flowers and his favorite muscle shirt. They had a boring at-home night. Though they didn't get to skydive, walk on the roof of the Staples Center, or eat dinner in Wolfgang Puck's kitchen, these casual pajama dates always seem to get the contestant far in the show. We will likely be seeing more of Cupcake. Cupcake got a rose and a fireplace makeout session.

Rose Ceremony Sans Cocktails

A loyal reader, co-worker, Notre Dame grad, and resident of Alameda pointed out that this Bentley situation created an interesting moral conundrum for Chris Harrison: why didn't he intervene earlier? Chris Harrison intervened in the Roslyn-hooking-up-with-a-producer scandal. So what makes Bentley non-interveneable? WWT Ombudswoman Liz answers that a lot of people aren't there for the right reasons. This is what drives the show. The ability of the Bachelorette or Bachelor to figure it out is part of the game. On the other hand, Roslyn created a liability issue. As LL Ben would point out (and what Liz actually said), Roslyn "pierced the corporate veil."

Additional roses went to Greek Groban, West, Kissy Nicky, Sonoma Ben, Dentist Blake, Nick, El Douche (nice metro military outfit douche), Lucas Oil, Cell Phone Bill

Turns out that Batman's seizures, mask, and three-legged dog didn't cut it. Also going home was Chicago Chris. If you remember from earlier in the post, these were the two clowns that couldn't properly comfort her after the Cell Phone Bill fiasco.

Until next week with elephants, caves, and man claws.