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| Let's just admit up front that I have an easier task. |
Let's just lay out a few of the bad qualities we've seen this season:
1) Homophobic (Is not okay)
2) Hasn't said one interesting thing (Is not okay)
3) Chris B. Harrison doesn't really like him (Is not okay)
4) Maybe gave Abbie crabs:
On to the episode . . .
The finale started off with horror music and JP looking like he was ready to kill someone. Cut to Harrison saying this is going to be the "most surprising and shocking" finale ever. Spoiler: you will be shocked to hear JP put together a full sentence. You will then be surprised that there is no substance to any of these relationships.
Meet the Family #1: Vidal Sassoon Clare
It's always a beautiful thing when an autograph collector can introduce his hairstylist girlfriend to his parents. I'm sure Mr. and Mrs. Pablo are thrilled about the prospect of these two getting engaged and living in their basement for the rest of their lives. Juan Pablo's World! Juan Pablo's World! Party time! Excellent! Woo woo woo woo!
Vidal got to meet Mrs. Pablo. It reminded me of the first conversation I had with the Señora I lived with when I studied abroad in Madrid.
Me: "El cielo es azul y no va a llover."
Maria Baeza Ordonez: (shakes head)
Mrs. Pablo then told Vidal that JP can be mean at times. JP's cousin Rodolfo then warned that JP often just walks away from relationships. Did Fleiss and Co. do any background research on JP? JP's own family was pretty clear about how he is with women.
 |
| Said his entire family. |
Nikki arrived. Before a word was spoken, Mrs. Wags instantly pointed out that Nikki is not into JP. I agree. Sadly (for her), Nikki lasted one week too long to become the next Bachelorette.
Once again, JP's family warned that JP is "focalized" on what he wants and can be very difficult. Focalized may not be a word, but I promise to use it at work at some point tomorrow.
Nikki described her favorite day with JP as going to the beach and doing lots of activities. Mrs. Pablo then warned that JP's ideal day would be sitting on the couch watching TV (I didn't write that. Mrs. Pablo actually said it). These relationships can work!
At the end of the date, JP asked if he "could keep both" women. Someone needs to explain the concept of the show to him.
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| Do your sexy face. |
JP arrived in a helicopter, Vidal in a BMW SUV. Fleiss and Co. spare no expense on unnecessary travel. Sadly, JP's 2005 Camry that he drives back home may not have quite the same effect.
At the tail end of a helicopter ride, JP whispered into Vidal's ear that "he doesn't know her" and then said something "sexual" that was unrepeatable. JP is taking a Walter White-esque downward spiral.
In the evening portion of the date, JP went to Vidal's place. She wanted to talk. JP wanted a besito. Vidal wanted an explanation. JP wanted an escape route.
Earlier in the season, JP's ex-girlfriend (Camila's mom) seemed to have no problem meeting Nurse Nikki and was very comfortable seeing JP with another woman. After the first hour of this finale, that previous scene with the ex is starting to make more and more sense.
Have you noticed that JP has been wearing an orange Livestrong-style rubber band bracelet all season? As a society, I wonder if we can trust anyone that wears one of those bracelets anymore. And after this finale, who has done more damage to the charity bracelet: JP or Lance Armstrong?
I was busy making the poll and somehow JP turned around this disaster. I looked up from typing and Vidal was ready to marry him again. Things are getting weird.
By the way, where's Neil Lane? He's the best part of this episode. If you're asking yourself who Neil Lane is, let me introduce the two of you.
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| Handsome |
Final Date #2: Nurse Nikki
Nikki's date took them on a sailboat ride. Nikki spent the date unsuccessfully convincing herself and the audience that she is interested in being engaged to JP.
It's really a pleasure to watch the final two contestants realize that they do not know a thing about JP and might (have to) accept a proposal from him the next day. It's never easy to realize that you've gotten this deep with a guy that has this tattoo:
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| Bracelet on other wrist |
After a couple forced kisses in Nikki's suite, JP took off for the night. Nikki then burst into tears in the room. It's not the most ideal way to spend the night before you (might) get engaged.
Proposal?
There are exactly 21 ABC minutes left in this episode and we still have not seen Neil Lane. If we didn't realize it already from the horror movie music, this is not going to end well.
Instead of limo rides, the ladies took pontoon boat rides to the Bachelor proposal altar. First off the boat was Vidal. Mrs. Wags was pretty impressed with Vidal's ability to walk on the beach in heels. She has seen me walk on the beach in snorkeling fins, so she's pretty much an expert on awkward beach footwear. After Vidal said she wanted to be with him forever, JP then followed up by saying he thinks she's pretty, but "everyone has to go home sometime." Goodbye, Vidal. After giving JP a piece of her mind, JP said, with relief, "I'm glad I didn't pick her." Yes, Juan Pablo. Release your anger. Become the all-time Bachelor villain:
Nurse Nikki then arrived, ready and willing get engaged. But we, the viewing audience, know better. There has been no Neil Lane. Therefore, there will be no proposal. In easily the most anti-climactic finale in Bachelor history, JP said that he had a ring in his pocket, but he's not ready to propose. JP then ended the season by giving Nikki the final rose.
So I guess that's it. See you next season.
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