The Bachelorette Episode 8: Dallas First, Fantasy Later

In this penultimate* blog post and my last post of the season, I am going big: Old Potrero Straight Rye and mint chip ice cream.  I also wanted to take a moment to compliment Fleiss & Co. on a successful season.  The characters on the show this season did not fit into simple stereotypes.  They have an African-American bachelorette that likes white men.  They had an African-American contestant (Will) that doesn't like African-American women.  And there was an African-American contestant (Eric No Ties) that has never even had a girlfriend of any race.

*Confession, I had to look up "penultimate" to make sure I was using it correctly.  Like the word "condone," I can never quite remember what it means off the top of my head.

Enough compliments for Fleiss & Co., it's time to go to Spain and accept Mr. Harrison's date card offer...

But before the big trip, the guys went to Dallas to face Rachel's family.  Will we get to meet her dad, the famous, mysterious judge?  All judges around the country are anxiously watching to find out.

Peter Badger got to meet Rachel's family first.  Before going into Rachel's parents' Dallas mansion with GIANT doors, Badger said he was falling in love with her.  She replied, "I'm falling in love with you too."  Whoa.  We Bachelor historians call this a "BHigg."  Past Bachelor Ben Higgins told two women he was in love.

Justice Kagan was especially sad to learn that Judge Rachel's Dad could not be there to meet any of the men.  I love that he continues to refuse to be on the show.  Thankfully, Rachel's sister Constance is willing show up.  It's good to have her back.  She's one of the best Bachelor siblings, even if she is married to this guy:

Peter Badger, still nervous about committing to Rachel, did not ask for Mrs. Lindsay's permission to marry her.  She tried to spin this as a good thing, but I'm not convinced.  He seems like he is going to crumble as the show continues.  

Eric No Ties got the next opportunity with the Lindsays.  Unfortunately for No Ties, I think his biggest obstacle to winning Rachel's heart is that his fashion-beard is the patchiest of the three remaining men.  Mr. Harrison requires cool beards if you want to be in the finale.  

This is how we do it.  

No Ties met Rachel's family.  They don't like him.  They don't think Rachel likes him.  It's too bad because he's easily my favorite.  Eric has made a strong push here in the end.

Eric asked Mrs. Lindsay for permission to marry Rachel.  Mrs. Lindsay said he had her blessing assuming Rachel was into him.  A very indirect yes at best.  

Bryan NipTuck was our final Dallas family introduction, but he was the first guy that got to meet Rachel's friends.  This is further proof that NipTuck is going to win it all.  

NipTuck got his "doctorate" at the University of Florida.  This is a double whammy.  First, chiropractors are not doctors.  Second, Gators are not welcome on this blog.  Right, Dugan?

At the Lindsay house, NipTuck is this season's no-one-talks-like-that-in-real-life guy.  I'll bet Tim Tebow is like this too.  Rachel's sister could sense NipTuck's BS style.

Marry my sister?

NipTuck described their relationship as an "expedited situation."  The more he talks, the weirder he gets.  

Mrs. Lindsay was also not so sure about NipTuck.

Marry my daughter?

NipTuck asked permission to marry Rachel.  Again, an indirect yes from Mrs. Lindsay.  Fleiss & Co. planted a seed doubt with NipTuck, but we can't be fooled.  He will win.

Finally, we're off to Spain.  There are only 45 minutes of the show left.  Maybe this is not the penultimate episode.  It could be the antepenultimate episode (I definitely had to look that one up).  

Eric No Ties got the first fantasy date.  Mr. Harrison, MIA on this episode, arranged for a helicopter.  Eric declared, "Big Rach.  Big E.  It's our time again."  

Wait, was Biggie rapping about the Bachelor?

The date started in the La Rioja region of Spain.  Then, they were near the ocean.  I did a quick google maps search to determine that the La Rioja region of Spain is landlocked.  Mrs. Wags refocused my attention to the TV, noting "If you spend all your time fact checking, you're going to miss them falling in love."  Mrs. Wags definitely believes in true love.

After reading the date card, No Ties delivered the QOTN.  Speaking about Mr. Harrison, No Ties said, "That guy...is awesome."

Peter Badger  was up next.  They went to a winery.  Raquel y Pedro received a wine cellar in Spain as a gift.  They each got a key.  Prediction: they are never going back there.  Mrs. Wags and I studied abroad in Madrid.  Since our time there, we have been to many other European countries, but never back to Spain.  It's a good thing we do not have a wine fridge waiting for us back in Madrid.  

In the evening portion of the date, Rachel said she's not in this to have a boyfriend.  Badger, on the other hand, believes that he only wants to be engaged in order to set a wedding date and start picking cake flavors.  And he said he's not ready to be Badger-style engaged with Rachel just yet.

Rachel thinks it may not work out...and....TO BE CONTINUED.  Please let there be more than 45 seconds of Neil Lane.

The Bachelorette Episode 7: Hometowns!

This is the true story of five strangers, picked to live in a house, work together towards love and have their lives taped, to find out what happens when people stop being polite... and start getting real.

And you thought 90210 Dean was our last early 90s reference of the season! It's not even the last in this week's recap (see below)! This is my favorite episode of the season because it actually featured real emotions and actual conflict. The show is heavily scripted and very rarely do we get honesty, but this episode brought it on each and every hometown date. Let's get to the dates...

Baltimore with Eric

Screw Babe Ruth, Baltimore's Greatest Ballplayer

I get it. Most of you think about The Wire when you see the mean streets of Baltimore. I think about Eddie Murray. You take the Wire. I'll take Eddie Murray. We'll see who gets more Baltimore street cred.

Eric brings Rachel to a neighborhood court to shoot hoops. Note the rope nets. For something to be sufficiently hood, they need chain nets or no nets. This court is bougie. Luckily, a friend comes by to hammer home the Horatio Alger backstory. Did you know the Horatio Alger Myth was popularized by his book Ragged Dick?

Nevertheless, Eric chose school and basketball over drugs and crime. We get to meat Eric's dad and a BUNCH of women! An aunt brings up an honest question about race that Rachel handles with aplomb. Rachel knows she’s going to upset people no matter what so she might as well pick the one she likes best. Seems genuine.

We see a glimpse of Eric's issues with both parents. Eric’s mom basically said she needed him to be more independent than the rest of the men in their family and her distance was strategic. Eric's dad was more vague about his distance but regret was in the air.

From the toast to the goodbye, Eric felt very comfortable with Rachel and I kept thinking: where has this Eric been all season? I missed one episode? What the hell happened last week to transform Eric?

Nip Tuck in Miami

Not Really

I have to give Nip Tuck some credit because he brought Rachel to Domino Park on Calle Ocho, a more authentic version of Miami than touristy Miami Beach. Dugan lived very close during law school. The producers built the tension starting last week. Mrs. Nip Tuck was going to be cast as the overbearing Latin Mother.

She gave a toast to Nip Tuck: “the most precious thing I have in my life…” and burst into TEARS. However, she never lived up to the Monster-in-Law billing. In discussion with her son, she reasonably shared skepticism about the process of finding a wife so quickly and on TV. When talking with Rachel, she wanted her to know how important family was, and most important, Nip Tuck's happiness: “If he’s happy, I’m happy. If not, I will kill you.”

Despite that quote, mom was sweet and Nip Tucks's favorite status is secure.

Badger welcomes a Warrior to Madison

We get to the second straight city where Tim and I have spent time together: Madison, Wisconsin. This show is made for us. Badger welcomes Rachel "home" to Wisconsin? Huh? And then you remember that Rachel is also a Wisconsin barred attorney. But, she's a Texan? Her father is a federal judge in Texas. 

Hmmm?

And then Dugan remembers that you don't have to take the Wisconsin Bar if you go to a Wisconsin law school...Rachel is a Marquette Warrior! She even interned with the Bucks.

We walk around a Farmer's Market and eventually meet the Badger's friends! Badger told Rachel that he has 10 main friends, 8 of which are black. That is really hard to do in Wisconsin! It's nearly a statistical impossibility to do so in Cottage Grove, Wisconsin with a black population of 2.5%. There is a story here that needs explaining. 

Rachel is concerned about Badger's pace. He doesn't understand that we are getting to the end which means a proposal and soon. Rachel is blunt: “I don’t want a boyfriend from all this.”

We Get Real with 90210

We get some incredible ups and downs in this Aspen, Colorado hometown. It was hard to find a more stark contrast to Eric's Baltimore basketball court than 90210's ATVs and Champagne. We soon fall from the clouds and realize 90210s life has enough drama for a Lifetime movie. At 15, he tragically lost his mother. His family broke apart in the aftermath, his father converted to the Sikh religion, and he changed his name to “Paramroop Singh Khalsa.” 90210 sadly brings the QOTN: “It means divinely beautiful and it’s a self given name….and also speaks a little bit about his character.” Pops also has a new wife, Satantar.

Walking up to the house, 90210 continues, “I am legitimately terrified. I’m not nervous. I’m terrified.” Remember folks, he’s going home! I keep thinking that this episode will do more damage to the pro-marijuana movement than Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III ever could hope to achieve.

We get the 90210/Paramroop discussion that's 11 years overdue. Paramroop rationalized that 90210 turned out great so he must have been a pretty good father. Not the strongest argument but it may have some merit. 90210 protests that his father was not present after his mother's death, that there was no moment of familial solidarity in the wake of the loss of their mother. 90210 actually complained that Paramroop was not "maternal". Paramroop admitted he made mistakes, but did the best he could to support the family. He wasn't a mom. He didn't how to be a mom. He had just lost his wife of 27 years. It was honest. It was hard to watch. It was the realest this show has been in years.

Full Disclosure: I'm all in on Paramroop. I'm down with the gong. My brother has a gong on his porch and I love it. Paramroop is a yoga teacher and I was late to this episode due to yoga class. What are the chances I end up like Paramroop? I say 4%?

Hometown Regroup with Harrison

Eric – new energy but concern that he's never been in love.
Nip Tuck – favorite stays the favorite. Only guy to say "love".
Badger – Holding back could be his demise.
90210 – Most surprising. From model to marriage?

For someone, the early 90s are about to hit home.



Nip Tuck is safe.
Eric is safe.
Badger v. 90210?

I'm sorry Kelly, Steve, David, Donna, Brandon, Dylan, Andrea and Brenda. Until next week when Tim returns with Rachel's family!

The Bachelorette Episode 6: Almost Home

After doing some brewery visits yesterday, I am not in the mood for whiskey.  Tonight will be ice cream only.  My inability to recover quickly from more than two beers makes me realize I'm not as young as I used to be.  Come to think of it, I don't recover very well from a large burrito, lifting weights, more than 20 minutes in the sun, or four hours of the Bachelorette in one week.  So let's start the show...a simple two hours of the Bachelorette powered by mint chip.

One more and I'm in trouble

The crew headed to beautiful Geneva, Switzerland.  I was trying to think of a Geneva Conventions joke, but it's very difficult to make up something about humanitarian treatment of non-combatants in a time of war.

This is the last week before hometowns.  As though we just started watching this show this season, every guy reminds us how important it is to get a one on one date.  

Solo Date #1: Nip Tuck Bryan

Nip Tuck, front runner from the first episode, got another solo date.  He's running away with this contest and can only lose if he has a secret (divorce, current girlfriend, strange friends on his hometown, makeout with a member of the production staff).

The date started with a drive in a Bentley.  Who cares?  Not me.  There's only one car that would get me feeling romantic.

Mrs. Wags said we could get one!!!

Nip Tuck seems like a major favorite, and the other guys know it.  

As predicted above, Nip Tuck's last girlfriend broke up with him because she didn't like his mom.  GET READY FOR NEXT WEEK!

We named our dog after this all-time crappy mom

Nip Tuck got a rose.

Solo Date #2: 90210 Dean

90210 was nervous because if he gets a rose, he brings her home to his family, and he doesn't get along with his family.  

90210's date started out with a trip to Catholic Mass.  If he's lucky, they will get donuts afterward.  And they DID!  Catholics everywhere love donuts!

Rachel told 90210 that she wants to learn more about his life and who he is.  90210 replied, "Do you believe in the tooth fairy?" and "What's your favorite dinosaur?"  He's almost trying not to get a rose. Also, my answers to his questions are "no" and "stegosaurus."

At dinner, Rachel confronted 90210 for being off all day.  Finally, 90210 came out and explained, "my family is not the kind of family you're going to want to see."  9-0 said his dad has become "quite a bit more eccentric."  Please give 9-0 a rose.  I really want to see what this guy is all about.  Annnnnd...yes he got a rose.  We now get Nip Tuck's mom and 9-0's dad.

See you next week!

Solo Date #3: Peter Badger

Badger and Rachel started the date with a jumping hug.  She might be the first African-American Bachelor/ette, but she's the 175th contestant to do jumping hugs.  

They took a helicopter and went dogsledding on "Glacier 3000."  

You say it's puppy love, I say it's full grown.

In the evening portion of the date, they had dinner in a well-lit palace at a tiny table.  Peter told some weird story about breaking up with his ex-girlfriend and he got all weepy about it.  Rachel, solid as a rock, thought it seemed a little off.  She's great at reading situations that are a little off in the moment they are happening.

Peter Badger got a rose.

Group Date: Eric No Ties, Happy Feet Matt, Adummy

Mrs. Wags drops the QOTN:  "These guys are all a waste of time...because they are all unattractive." 

Mrs. Wags follows up her QOTN with another gem: "They look like the guys who are the 'normal guys' in Cosmo magazine that answer dumb questions about what they look for in a lady: 'I love it when my girlfriend cooks me dinner.'"  

Adummy started off the date by asserting that his relationship with her is stronger than anyone else's in the house.  That's some irrational confidence.

They all took a boat ride to France.  Eric No Ties got some alone time and made some solid speeches to Rachel about how brave she is.  He announced that he's "not afraid anymore."

In his alone time, Happy Feet Matt got sent home.  Strangely, she walked him out and said goodbye with a few kisses on the lips.  That's an odd way to break up with someone.  I'm sad to see him go from a receding hairline perspective.  It's tough for me personally when a fellow member of the bald community gets his heart broken.  

The battle for 4th place ended with a rose for Eric No Ties.  Adummy is headed home.  

Looks like some pretty wild hometown dates next week!