The Bachelor Episode 2: Did You Hear This Guy is a Virgin?

First, I scooped the ice cream, and then I got the whiskey.  The routine felt familiar for a Bachelor Monday.  It was dark, rainy, and cold outside as I sat down on the couch.  I nervously turned on the TV, not sure if I was ready to face the reality of the information I was about to learn.  One question was in my mind and needed to be answered: Is this episode of the Bachelor two hours or three hours long?  And then I looked at the TV....and it was like Chris Harrison answered all my prayers and made this episode only two hours!

Now that I know I will have a decent bedtime, let's get on with the show...

The episode kicked off with Colton filming himself in bed naked.  He was basically interviewing himself.  I will not stand for this further marginalization of Chris Harrison.  Harrison asks the questions here!

Free Chris

Group Date #1: Demi, Outback Bri, Crazy Tracy, AK Elyse, Hannah G Thang, Onyeka, Brightline Catherine, Camila Nicole

The date started at a theater with hilarious husband and wife duo Megan Mullaly and Nick Offerman.  You might remember him from his Christmas Yule Log and her from Mad About You.  Most importantly, Nick Offerman is currently a bald and obviously despises the people on this show as much as we do!  "Maybe Colton could give me some tips in the dumbell department."  Pun intended.  

All the girls had to tell a story about their first time doing different things.  

Colton told a story about how a veteran football player asked him, in the locker room, how many women he'd slept with.  For a guy that only played on NFL practice squads for a brief stints (see Dugan's research last week), this seems like a rather personal question.  Or maybe the story is made up.  Yeah, that could be it.  

All of the stories were pretty boring, except Crazy Tracy told a story about beating up her Sorority sister to get to sleep with some guy that was a virgin.  

At night, they went to a swanky LA Club (i.e. a black leather couch on the 39th floor of an LA office building with cool views).  

Demi broke all the rules and touched the group date rose.  This was against the rules.  It was so against the rules that it made Crazy Tracy "sick to her stomach."  This show makes these contestants in-----sane!

Every time Colton talks about sex/intimacy, I can only think of this:

Demi, the youngest of all the young blondes, wisely points out that there is no advantage to being old on this show.  I can't believe I referred to Demi as wise, but she seems to understand Colton.  Prediction: One of the young blondes is winning this show.  

When did Bri lose the fake Australian accent?  I missed the big reveal.  Did Colton also miss the big reveal?

Nicole Cabela said her autistic twin brother is her "everything."  You're likely to lose Carl with statements like that.

AK Elyse, the old lady, got the group date rose.    

Solo Date: Hannah Alabama

Hannah Alabama must have more teeth than the average human.

Back at the house, Miss North Clackalacka admitted that she knows Hannah Bama from the pageant circuit.  And you'll never believe this, but it turns out Hannah Bama is a fake and is not honest about who she really is.  We may have a future fight on our hands.  Roll Tide.

Hannah Bama proposed a toast to "Roll Tide."  It must be great to be an Alabama fan (most of the time).

The conversation wasn't going well, so Colton suggested getting in the hot tub.  They were not getting along well and the conversation was strained, but Colton cannot stand to lose a young blonde this early in the show.

During the evening portion of the date, Hannah Bama said she's not good at expressing her emotions.  I think she meant to say, "I'm not good at putting complete sentences together."

As predicted, Colton's not about to get rid of blondes in the 18-24 demo, thus Bama got the date rose.

Group Date #2: Paw Patrol Alex, Erica, Dancer Katie, Miss North Klack, Knicks Sydney, Tayshia, Nina, Kirpa, Courtney, Caitlin Cyrus, Cassie, and Sixpence Heather.

The group date was at a summer camp that looked like it was a family camp in the Catskills.

Any Mrs. Maisel fans out there!?

They had a wheelbarrow race to determine which team of girls got to hang out with Colton at night.  One of the teams won.  I was too busy trying to find a picture of the Steiner Family Camp to see who won.  

Sixpence Heather (great 90s reference Dugan) admitted that she is not only a virgin, but she also has never been kissed.  He almost kissed her, but they just had some intense hand holding instead.  This could be the most tame fantasy suite season ever. 

The date rose went to Sixpence, beneath the milky twilight.

Rose Ceremony

During the cocktail hour, Demi came out in a robe and took Colton upstairs.  As she took Colton upstairs, Miss Clackalacka delivered the QOTN: "Does she even have parents?"  

Joining AK Elyse, Hannah Bama, and Sixpence with roses was:

Tayshia
Teacher Cassie
Caitlin
Courtney
Demi
Nicole Cabella
Kirpa
Hannah G Thang
Brightline Catherine
Outback Bri
Knicks Sydney
Onyeka
Dancer Katie
Caitlin Cyrus
Nina
Producer Pick: Crazy Tracy

Goodbye Angelique, Annie (a young blonde bites the dust), and Paw Patrol Alex.

Until next week, with more virgin jokes and even more Dugan...