The Bachelor Episode 4: That Got Serious

Great news: Mrs. Wags is watching her first episode of the season.  When I tell people I make my wife watch the show, I am only half-telling the truth because she only watches the show about half the time.  She must not like an excuse to have whiskey and ice cream as much as I do.

The episode started off with Harrison "accidentally" mistaking Hannah Bama for Miss Cacka.  Accident?  More like great script writing.

Harrison then announced that they are going to a place that the show has never gone before?  A library?  Nope.  They flew to Singapore.  The women freaked out like they won the lottery, but at least Other Hannah was honest when she asked, "Where's Singapore?"

Time for all our loyal readers to be honest: Did you know where Singapore is?

I'm looking at the map, and I'm still not totally sure I could describe how to get there.  

Solo Date: Tayshia

Prediction for every date in Singapore?  Colton and his date(s) further sullying America's reputation abroad.

They decided to go bungee jumping.  Don't do stuff like this in foreign countries, especially when they spell it "Bungy" on the side of the tower.  When Mrs. Wags and I were in Zambia, some of our travel pals decided to do a bungee jump.  Every one of them had back pain for days.  

Tayshia, offering words of encouragement before Colton's big jump, simply stated, "Don't die."  Words to live by for most of life's activities.  

Tayshia said she had a secret to reveal to Colton during the evening portion of the date.  My guess is she's been divorced.  And....boom.  Nail on the head (though it wasn't the wildest of guesses).  On most seasons I would say this would be a medium-big deal.  For Colton, this is surely a deal breaker.  He wants a girl that has the maturity (and appearance?) of a 12th grader.  Having spent time in family court is a little too mature of a life activity.

This

Not this

Tayshia got the rose.  

Other Hannah, AK Elyse, Knicks Sydney, Kirpa, Sixpence Heather, Nigerian Nightmare Onyeka, Crazy Tracy, Demi, Camila Cabella Nicole, Peach Courtney, Teacher Cassie, and Hanna Bama

Remember when I said they were going to ruin America's reputation?

That didn't take long.

In possibly the worst Bachelor date ever, they went to a leech spa.  I've been terrified of leeches since childhood for one reason:  Stand By Me.

via GIPHY

There was so little chemistry on these dates that a street tarot card reader described Teacher Cassie as Colton's "past life sister."  

In the evening portion of the date, Hannah Bama said the most important thing for a man to know is that his wife has "noble character."  Mrs. Wags and I both promised to have noble character during our wedding vows.  Hannah knows what's up. She seems so smart.  Must be the pageant study sessions.  

Demi said she's gone through a lot and is "still" going through it.  I assumed she was going to say that she has an ex-boyfriend that won't leave her alone, but it turns out her mom was just released from federal prison.  Unfortunately, Demi did not reveal the type of crime.  What would be okay to Colton?  Drug trafficking? Not okay.  Conspiracy to commit a crime?  Probably not.  Real estate fraud?  Maybe.  Gun possession?  That's the best case scenario.  Colton is definitely a big 2nd Amendment guy.

Mrs. Wags, watching the show for the first time this season, wondered why Fleiss and Co. cast 25 girls that are pretty much all Corinne.

Proving that he believes in restorative justice, Colton gave the group date rose to Demi.

Solo Date: Miss North Cackalacka

The date was a shopping trip to a women's clothing store at a mall.  While Colton and the viewing audience were supposed to be admiring the dresses, I couldn't stop analyzing the speech impediment caused by Ms. Cack's veneers.  

Later that night, Ms. Cack had a deep secret to reveal.  Ms. Cack's struggles with intimacy are due to being drugged and sexually assaulted in college at a frat party.  There's not much to say on blogger.com about one of the more somber moments on the Bachelor.  Colton seemed to handle it pretty well.  Going forward, this means Hannah Bama has not chance against Cakalacka.  

Cack got the rose.

Rose Ceremony

Colton took Other Hannah to his hotel room.  She was very impressed that the bed was so neatly made.  It's a hotel room, dummy.  Colton had nothing to do with it.  They proceeded to get. it. on. on the hotel bed....while wearing their shoes.  Gross.  There might be leech guts in the bed now.  

Hannah Bama and Cackalacka hashed it out.  Cack said they should support each other as women and apologized.  Maybe she is the most admirable person on the show?  They put aside their differences and now agree that they are basically the same person.

On the other end of the spectrum, Demi told Colton that Peach Courtney is verbally abusive and the "cancer of the house."  Peach then called out Demi and said she's fake.  What a dumb Bachelor fight.

Joining Tayshia, Demi, and Cack with roses was

Other Hannah

Sixpence Heather

Kirpa

Hannah Alabama
Katie
AK Elyse
Knicks Sydney
Teacher Cassie
Camila Cabela
Nigerian Nightmare

Goodbye Peach Courtney and Crazy Tracy.  Upon leaving, Demi said, "Dr. Demi cut out the cancer."  Looks like we have the nickname we've been waiting for.