The Bachelor Episode 8: It's Too Late to Apologize

I'm writing this post a day late.  Today I saw a spoiler that the favorite went home, but I have no idea who the favorite is so I remain unspoiled.  My favorite is not going home: whisky and ice cream.

The episode began like all others with Colton in the shower.

Miss Cackalacka in Fredericksburg, VA

They took a really romantic horse drawn carriage and passed by all the sights of Fredericksburg.  Cack's pediatrician's office, a strip mall, and a burger joint.  It's not exactly Central Park.

They met Cack's family at a backyard BBQ.  Cack's sister looked like her but with a crappier makeup artist.

Mamma Cack is not sure if Colton or Cack are ready for this.  Stepdad Cack says it seems like they should just be friends.

Colton asked Stepdad for permission to marry Cack.  Here was his reaction:



Mrs. Wags, watching the show for the second time this season says, "These two don't even know each other.  This is bonkers."

Other Hannah in Birmingham, Alabama

Part of me kind of hopes they run into Hannah Alabama.

Other Hannah said she's going to show Colton "what the South is all about."  Ohhhhh.  Great.

Apparently this meant going to a class to learn manners.  Don't worry Colton, I have you covered:



Colton said the first thing you should do when you sit down is "say grace."  This guy is 10 years old.  I hope he asks permission to be excused after he whines about having to eat his vegetables.

Dinner at Other Hannah's included lots of family and Hannah's mom.



Lunch Lady Mom looked like she was going to vomit over the idea that Hannah might end up with Colton. 

Hannah's dad felt similarly.  When Colton asked his permission, he looked shell shocked and didn't seem like he would be give his permission.  Fleiss and Co. and their bright lights and cameras caused him to cave. 

Mrs. Wags' analysis: "They seem like the most real-life couple." 

Tay Tay in the OC

I miss this show.

Tay Tay surprised Colton with a skydiving trip.  They are both terrified of heights.  Great plan.  Sounds relaxing.

I have never gone skydiving (and don't intend to), but the most terrifying part would have to be flying in that jalopy of an airplane to get up there.

The skydive showed off Colton's male pattern baldness.  Major problems in sectors two and three.  It makes me like him a just a little bit more (but still not that much).

Tay's dad confronted Colton's for saying he was falling in love with her since he's saying the same thing to three other women.   Great point dad.  Colton asked permission to marry Tay Tay.  Permission...denied.  Yes, dad, yes.  

Tay Tay's older brother seemed like a softie, but he said he's going to be in federal law enforcement and hunt Colton down.  I LOVE THIS FAMILY.

Tay's dad gave his permission in the end, but I sure hope he breaks her heart so the older brother can get to work.

Mrs. Wags' analysis of Colton and Tay Tay: "There's no way."

Teacher Cassie in Huntington Beach

Of course, the date started with a surf lesson.  This should go only slightly better than the snowboard lesson last week.

I think I fell asleep for a few minutes while these two were talking to each other.  

Back at the house, Teacher Cassie's family was blond.  That's about it.  

When talking to her dad, Cassie's dad questioned the wisdom of getting engaged at 23.  Cassie delivered the QOTN, "I'm not dumb."  I think she might have said "duh" also, but I am not going to rewind.  There is only going forward.  No backward.  

Cassie's dad said no to giving his blessing and he didn't rescind.  He wins MVP of the episode.

Mrs. Wags' analysis: "Dumb."  After she gave her in-depth analysis, Mrs. Wags went straight to bed.  

Rose Ceremony

Getting a trip to the most boring fantasy suite of all time was:

Other Hannah

Tay Tay

Teacher Cassie

Goodbye Miss North Cackalacka.  You probably deserve better than this guy.

Until next week, when Gov breaks down a heavily previewed fence jump.

The Bachelor Episode 7: Without Notes Edition

Well, I took notes. I thought I emailed myself those notes. Emphasis on thought. I have to say that it was not the most eventful episode. Alas, I'll go from memory in what may be a short post. We are back in the United States with Colton returning home to Denver. After a pep talk from Mrs. Dugan's cousin Ben Higgins, Colton is ready to go. We have 7 girls left before next week’s home towns. That means we are going to have a 43% kill rate this episode. So…somewhat eventful.

As my girl Taylor would sing, are you ready for it?

Tay Tay’s One on One

Speaking of Tay Tay, Tayishia gets the first one-on-one with a day date with Colton. They get ice cream, shop for dinner ingredients and make a meal together at home. What was up with feeding the dog ice cream? Do dogs eat ice cream? Did you notice how much ice cream was left at the time he shared it with the dog? Did he go back to eating it? Did he give the entire thing to the dog? I need more ice cream eating dogs in the show.

Cooking meals with your girlfriend on a reality show is very different than cooking meals with the mother of your children. Flirty flicks of flour v. glares regarding dishes. I could go on and on mostly because Mrs. Dugan does not read the blog but will refrain because discretion is the better part of valor.

Beginning with Tayshia and continuing throughout the episode, Colton is determined to get answers to the most ever-present question on the Bachelor/ette: WHO IS HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS? In the good old days, we would have Kasey get a guard and protect your heart tattoo. For Colton, the right reason is marrying him and starting a family. I imagine the girls may have a different interpretation of “the right reasons.”

Nevertheless, Tay Tay tells on Teacher Cassie and Miss Cackalacka while securing a rose and a visit to her hometown.

Cackalacka’s plays One-on-One Defense

In the history of terrible dates, I think first snowboard experience has to be high on the list. I know a good number of people that snowboard. Their snowboard origin stories are remarkably similar and involve a lot of initial pain and misery. Perhaps Colton is trying to break down Cackalacka before confronting her with Tayshia’s accusations.Fortunately for Cackalacka, she is dating a true moron and Colton will accept any defense offered. Also, the producers need some drama for these remaining episodes. Everyone knows she is staying. She does.

Hannah Alabama Meets the Fam and her Demise

Colton’s Dad looks like if Jason Statham ate Colton. Colton's dad tells him to trust his gut and not listen to any of the girls. Can we just get the cameras to follow Neanderthal Statham and the dog from Tay Tay's date and be done with this boring Bachelor? Hannah Alabama shares her feelings with Colton's mom before their evening date in a FBO hanger. Dugan has eaten in a hanger. When did this become a thing? You know what eating in a hanger makes you think about? Elizabeth Warren. 

I called Hannah Alabama's demise while Mrs. Dugan scoffed. Guess who was right? The guy with the Bachelor blog. She gone.

The Royal Tenenbaums Group Date with Sixpence Heather, Teacher Kassie, Kirpa and the Other Hannah

Whether you know or even appreciate it or not, this show is operating at another level. Wheels within wheels, my friends. Did you notice the homage to the Royal Tenenbaums at the beginning of the group date?  

House from the show.

House from the movie.

Ok, Dugan, you are a crazy conspiracy theorist. But the Wes Anderson appreciation continued with Sixpence Heather exiting via train in a very Darjeelingesque exit. We are left with Kirpa, Teacher Cassie and the Other Hannah. Was there ever a doubt? He went with young Margot and old Margot. Sorry Kirpa. Until next week when hometowns and Tim.

The Bachelor Episode 6:

It's Christmas Eve!  Or, more accurately, Christmas Eve for government employees.  Tomorrow is a holiday.  Oh, you don't get Lincoln's birthday as a holiday in addition to President's Day?  Since I do, I will be sure to have an extra whiskey in your honor.

My four favorite presidents

Back in Thailand, Colton was walking the beach in a suit at night.  It looked really natural.

The Nigerian Nightmare and Camila Cabella continued their debate from last about bullying.  We need the First Lady to settle this.

Rose Ceremony

Joining Hannah Alabama, Sixpence, and Favorite Cassie with roses was

Miss North Cackalaka
Tayshia
Kirpa Band-Aid
Demi
Other Hannah
Katie
Knicks Sydney

Showing maturity for the first time, Colton got rid of the Nigerian Nightmare and Camila Cabella.

The show headed to Vietnam.  For some reason, the ladies felt the need to lightly jog around the new hotel.  It kind of reminds me of when cooking show chefs have to sprint around a kitchen.  I never want to have to sprint around a courtroom because that means something has gone terribly wrong.

Solo Date: Other Hannah

The date started with a couple's massage.  Vietnamese masseuses appear to just wrap you in banana leaves and take off.  Give me the Swedes every day of the week.

Back at the house, Miss Cackalacka criticized Other Hannah for "just getting by on her looks."  That's rich coming from a person that competes with her looks.

By the way, my computer auto-corrected to spell "Cackalacka" the right way.

Other Hannah looks like she's 14.  She sounded like she's 14 when she said, "Opening up is not my jam."

Other Hannah realized her parents were getting a divorce when her mom drove her car over her dad's lawn.  And he loved that lawn.  I am dumber for watching this.

via GIPHY

Other Hannah got a rose.

Group Date: Favorite Cassie, Sixpence, Tayshia, Miss Cackalacka, Katie, Hannah Alabama, Knicks Sydney, and Demi

The women had to do a martial arts fight for Colton's heart.  The best part was the guest judge, the host of Bachelor Vietnam.  Great news: we have a new blog coming out next year.  www.duganandwags.hanoibachelor.com

Not much happened in this group date.  The women started to crumble.  Katie said her biggest fear was being misunderstood.  I'd go with premature death, spoiled half and half,  or breaking my femur, but hey, we all have our things.

Colton's beard bugs me.  It seems like the kind of beard we all grew in college when we wanted to see what it felt like to have a beard.

Knicks Sydney couldn't handle that Colton "never looks at her."  Shocking that a gal used to being stared at by 20,000 fans at Madison Square Garden would need this kind of attention.  The lack of attention drove her to leave the show.  Power move when you know you're getting sent home by the end of the episode.

Tayshia got the date rose.

Solo Date Kirpa Band-Aid

Kirpa Band-Aid seemed like she was not that into Colton.  Or maybe she's just a normal person.  I can't tell.

Later in the evening, Kirpa admitted that she was engaged to a guy she had been with for eight years. Like Colton, this dude was a virgin.  All these 20-something virgins.  Maybe it's for real.

Kirpa got a date rose.

Colton's Hotel Room

Demi popped snuck over to Colton's room.  She pointed to the bed and asked, "Is this where you sleep?"  Hey, look at that coffee maker, "Is that where you make coffee?"

Is this where you go to the bathroom?

Her plan completely backfired, and Colton sent her home.  He couldn't see himself with her in the end.  He only has space in his heart for one blonde that looks like she's 14.  

Rose Ceremony

Joining Kirpa, Tayshia, and the Other Hannah with roses was

Hannah Alabama
Miss Cackalacka
Favorite Cassie
Sixpence

Katie left while dropping a bomb on Colton, "You have a great group of girls in there; some are ready, some are not."  Best of luck figuring it out, Colton!

The Bachelor Episode 5: We Ain’t Got Time for That

Sorry loyal readers, but Dugan and I have a lot going on right now.  Until this blog starts paying us more than $0/year, we may just decide to take a week (or season) off.

Here’s a 10 cent summary of the episode:

The girl that is lying about never being kissed got kissed.

AK Elyse mentally crumbled and broke up with Colton. She said she couldn’t accept a proposal after a few weeks. They must not get television in Alaska/Arkansas because that’s the premise of the show.

Kirpa had a major band-aid on her chin. No one said anything about it.

Camila Cabella Nicole was unfairly framed as being on the show to “get out of
Miami.”  No offense (yes, offense) to all the other podunk hometowns on this show, but this story was obviously fake from the get go. Leave Miami to go where?  One of America’s many Polar Vortex towns?  I don’t think so.

The fight continued between Camila and Onyeka the Nightmare at the Rose Ceremony pre-party. It was a lot of yelling and I feel dumber for having listened to it.

To be continued!!!