The Bachelorette Episode IV: Four is for Fuck It.

We begin the episode with a review of the Bentley drama which will be discussed ad nauseum through the show. Harrison tells the boys to pack their bags as a change in scenery is needed. The Dental Student and her gaggle of men are heading to Phuket, Thailand for two One-on-ones and a Group Date. As for our introduction to Thailand, I cannot be the only one who thought that first women was going to give Ashley a manicure. Turns out she was the concierge and helped Ashley plan her dates during what appeared to be monsoon season in Fuck It.

Greek Groban and the Manny Pacquiao Boat Captain


After Pacquiao cancels the boat outing for Ashley and Greek Groban, this is what happened next:



Ok, full disclosure, Dugan couldn't pay attention to the discussions between Greek Groban and Ashley as it bored me to tears. I actually read this article, seriously, on the status of local drought conditions. The only redeeming part of the date is the very practical and wise advice received from this guy:

 When asked for the secret to his long marriage, Long Duck Dong told them to forgive and forget and not to try and win in the relationship. Please be aware that no platitudes offered by Fleiss & Co. will match this advice for this or any season of the show. Despite my boredom, Greek Groban thought the day was fun and Ashley said, "today was perfect." A late night ocean romp secures the Rose and you could say Greek Groban raised Ashley up.





Group Date brings a Tsunami of Help to Thailand


The rest of the men (Winemaker Ben, Cupcake, the only Dentist on the show, Mickey, Adam West, LL Ben, Nick, Lucas Oil, Cell Phone Bill and Solar Ryan try to make the world a better place sprucing up an orphanage in Thailand. The men did a great job painting and supplying the kids with much needed lacrosse nets. Solar Ryan is becoming the Vienna of this season - the frontrunner that is wearing on everyone's patience. Ashley is concerned that the guys are paying too much attention to their service work and not enough to her. This truly highlights her amazing lack of depth and self-esteem. Winemaker Ben draws a mural of an elephant and secures the rose. 


El Douche and the Dental Student


Ames starts the date with a long distance jog after Ashley waves - showing the producers are putting in the time with him. I wanted to dislike El Douche but this date rehabilitated him in Dugan's eyes. And El Douche (sorry, but the nickname stays) had the always important Dugan Quote of the night. Standing on the front of the boat, Ashley offered, "I feel like we're on the Titanic." Ames quickly responded, "Let's hope not." ZINGGGGGGGGG. Moonwalk. Moonwalk. Moonwalk. See below for Ashley's dream and Ames' nightmare.

Ames led a very cool kayaking trip and continued to rehab his image for this WWT writer. I think I was falling for Ames by the end of the date. Ashley was similarly convinced and offered Ames the rose.


Rose Ceremony Bullet Points

• West shows up for some one-on-one time late in the episode and Ashley fears she can't replace his deceased wife. Ouch - how do you answer that one? 
• Lucas Oil reveals he was previously married . . . to a woman!
• Solar Ryan as Vienna continues, and the only Dentist on the show tells him to his face
• Solar Ryan explains that he is always happy because our soldiers are overseas taking mortar shots. Solar Ryan will now be renamed Non Sequitor Ryan.
• Solar Ryan is not too happy, he's "bursting with a lot of love in his chest." Ok, sweet. Makes perfect sense.
• Greek Groban, Winemaker Ben and El Douche are safe.
• Harrison and Ashley discuss the need for an extra rose as she has only one sure-fire exit worthy man.
• And the roses go to . . .
• Lucas Oil, Solar Ryan, Cupcake, Nick, Mickey, Dentist, Cell Phone Bill and LL Ben.
• In Ashley's final ruling, West was dismissed with prejudice.

The Bachelorette: Dental Student Ashley formerly known as The Dentist, Episode I

And . . . they're off!!! It feels great to be back in the midst of another Bachelor/ette season. I need to provide a few disclaimers: i) I apologize for the length of this post, ii) Dugan is blogging from the viewpoint of Bentley as he is not a big Ashley fan. Neither her looks nor her story interest me. As such, it's up to Fleiss & Co. to build an entertaining cast around our Dental Student. And as faithful followers, we should never doubt Fleiss & Co. ability to sprinkle their magic TV dust - also known as mixing deep personality disorders with copious amounts of alcohol and little to no minority participation. (FYI, Fleiss & Co., you pitched a shutout this year to minorities.)

Ashley opens the episode admitting she questioned the show's premise, not believing she would fall in love with Brad last season. She comes strong with a foreboding and early favorite for quote of the night: "I spent a lot of time fighting in my own head." (Private message to the men on Ashley's season: RUN!!!) The Dentist turned Dental Student turned Dancer (odd since no one associates Ashley with Ds) provided the required cliches to begin the season:

1. "heart on the line"
2. "not holding anything back"
3. "feels like a fairytale"

We also learn the season's recurring dramatic theme: Ashley is not Emily. Ashley fears the men wanted Emily. Ashley needs a little pick me up. Here is WWT's Ashley Theme Music:

"My Future is Wide Open and So is My . . . Heart."

Damn, Ashley could have gone so many places with that, but we'll take "heart" and the men's intros. They focus on a handful of guys before the limos arrive:

• Ryan, from California, has a solar energy business 
• JP works in construction management in New York and is sick of the Manhattan dating scene
• Ames is in finance and likes to attend Ivy League Schools
• Ben looks like Kovacs and is a Louisiana Lawyer
• Winemaker Ben has his own Daddy Issues
• Bentley ("WB") is a divorced dad and wannabe Wes (Ok, fans, its early. I get it. The nicknames will eventually fall into place with more episodes and your help).
• Bentley, the name, is the most popular trending name in the United States. Thank you, MTV and Maci, which is the most popular trending female name. Our future is fucked and it is not Washington D.C.'s fault, people. It's ours. Naming your son "Bentley" 28 years ago, wow.
• Anthony's a fourth generation Butcher 
• West is a prosecutor whose wife died under mysterious circumstances (note: Fleiss & Co.'s insurance carrier for their general liability policy made some nice change off West)
• William is a cell phone salesman from Columbus, Ohio. What shall we call William? Cell Phone Bill, of course.

STOP! It's Limo Time

• Solar Ryan comes out and Ashley likes what she sees (note: Ryan is Mrs. Dugan's early pick to go the distance)
• Jon comes out next and does not garner the same reaction.
• Dugan's favorite, well timed notes on Jon come from his ABC bio:
• If he could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? Arnold, the Governator, for his fitness success and position in our community. 
• What is your favorite actor and why? Arnold Schwarzenegger, that guy is just too entertaining.

• Lucas Oil is a Texas Hugger, not to be confused with a tree hugger
• Cell Phone Bill shows he's a man of many talents with his impressions later in the night. 
• Mickey goes in for the kiss trying to be the Anti Chantal - denied.
• Tim looks uncomfortable in his suit but figures a few drinks will help him unwind.
• Louisiana Lawyer Ben "LL Ben" speaks French to Ashley but did not bring the Poutine.
• Stephen's "Rushmore" hair gets Ashley's attention but I was surprised to see Jason Schwartzman on The Bachelorette.

• Chris "Quad City DJ" is from Moline, IL and a terrible rapper. Having been to Moline, IL, this does not surprise Dugan as it had NO hip hop stations. Not one. 
• West gives a broken compass, but his name is Adam West which is odd considering Batman makes an appearance later.
• Anthony the Butcher comes out and gives my favorite opening line ever, "Nice place." I am ready to be entertained by the Butcher for weeks to come.
• Rob is a tech executive who brings to mind two things: i) many of these guys are listed as "executives," and ii) Rob looks like the breakdancing twins.
• Ames comes out and the first thing I can think of is "El Douche." Then, he hands the Dental Student a pair of ballet tickets and "El Douche" is confirmed.
• Matt, but we'll just call him "Eddy," has some Mommy issues, doesn't own an iphone and works as an Office Supplies Salesman. Office Depot or Staples?
• Jeff "Batman" wears a mask and immediately makes an enemy with Liquor Tim
• Ben the Winemaker brings wine and is another Mrs. Dugan pick to go far
• Frank is a college admissions directly that is unsurprisingly still single
• Michael is excited to meet a dentist for the first time. Sadly, someone has to introduce him to Blake if he wants to meet a dentist.
• Chris M. is in Construction, from Canada and promises Ashley they have a lot in common. (note: Does it seem like Construction is a very popular job for Contestants? If not, wait.)
• Ryan M. is a Construction Manager, brings a camera, and asks for a picture with Harrison later = awesome.
• J.P. wears a dark suit with white socks which makes me want to call him "Elwood" but he is not cool enough and admits "Cupcake" as a work nickname. Also in Construction from NY.
• Nick is a personal trainer from Tampa and former baseball player drafted by the Yankees
• Blake "The Only Dentist on the Show" should go meet Michael
• Bentley wants to be Wes so bad its annoying already
• Constantine is the Greek Groban

• I would watch a show where people showed pictures of Constantine and Josh Groban and contestants had to guess Groban or Greek Groban. I would lose.

After the Limo

After the Limo had a few moments but none more entertaining than the battle between Liquor Tim and Batman. Liquor Tim thinks Batman "is a creeper." Lucas Oil wisely predicts problems for those two. Liquor Tim decides a few cocktails are needed prior to speaking with Ashley and/or confronting Batman. Bad idea. He is wasted and responds thusly when asked by Ashley if drunk: "Yeah, probably."

AWESOME. It's game time. Liquor Tim v. the self-described "Mature Man" wearing a mask on a dating reality show. 

Batman wins via TKO as Liquor Tim passed out and was escorted off the show.

Ryan P. takes the first impression rose and joining him are Batman, Greek Groban, Ben F., Lucas Oil, Rushmore, Eddy, Nick, Quad City DJ, the other Ryan, The Only Dentist on the Show, Mickey, LL Ben, the Adam West not playing Batman here or ever before, Cell Phone Bill, Cupcake, El Douche, and Bentley.

Exiting stage left are Rob who seemed a little upset. His words? "Crushed, bummed out, dissapointed, lost, definitely defeated." Wow. Maybe Governator Arnold fan Jon takes it better, "to see this slip away, it's heartbreaking . . .I thought Ashley was the one . . . it's hard to walk away from . . ." UMMM.......WHAT?!?  Fleiss & Co. outdid themselves this year.

Sadly, the Butcher also left the show. This was his only reaction.

Season Preview

Coming up this season...Vegas, Jets, Flash Mobs, Bathing Suits, Boat Trips, Overseas travel, Fights, Ambulances, Crying . . . did I see FLASH MOBS?!?!?