The Bachelorette Episode 9: SavuSaving Some Drama for Fiji

We begin the episode with some beautiful aerial shots of Fiji and explanations from Ashley of the remaining men: Winemaker, Greek Groban and Cupcake. Then we cut to the misty rain and see a fourth, unidentified man coming back to win Ashley's heart? "It's the dentist," says Mrs. Dugan (obviously falling for the editing tricks of Fleiss & Co.). But no. The man coming out of the rain was not the only dentist to appear on the show this season. It was Solar Vienna.

Solar Vienna Part I of II

Solar Vienna is a contradiction. He relies on solar energy for his job but seemingly was in the rain all season long. He has no luck with women but is supremely confidant. Solar Vienna is pretty sure that Ashley "is regretting sending me home." He blames odd circumstances such as there "being other guys around." Really? On the Bachelorette? That's the excuse you want to go with? In the end, he wants to know if Ashley "feels like I do."

Ashley, do you?

And Ashley's first response to Solar Vienna pouring his heart out, explaining his motives and the mountains he moved to get to Fiji..."WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" If that's not love, I don't know what is. After explaining that he is going to stay nearby, Ashley sums up Dugan's feelings very well, "This is crazy." Agreed.

Winemaker Ben and Ashley Losing Her Flower

Winemaker and Ashley go sailing on a yacht and snorkeling for their daytime activity. And you need to enjoy the funny moments because when Fleiss & Co. go for romance, often comedy is all we have. This date didn't stand out for me, but for three items:

1. Early on the date, wind blows a flower from Ashley's hair.  Ashley blurts out, "I lost my flower." Silly Ashley, that comes at the end of the date. 

2. Ben admits "I kind of saw my life with Ashley floating before my eyes." Noting says "life" like private yachts and snorkeling in Fiji. 

3. Ben's shirt!!! What the hell was that? Is it the worst clothing choice in Bachelor/ette history? Is Dugan being too catty over this? It was like a mesh sweatshirt. It was odd.

Fantasy Suite Time

Because I remain mentally between 6-8th grade, I often chuckle when the date card invites them to stay "as a couple." The Dugans inch forward on their couch for what could be the first hot tub scene of the season only to be disappointed.  It was a giant pool. But Ben did pick Ashley up romance novelesque out of the pool.

If you, like Dugan, also enjoyed the pool exit, here's a few more to pass your day.

Greek Groban and a Big Problem for Bachelorettes

There are different problems that Bachelors face than Bachelorettes, but I presume this problem is bigger for Bachelorettes. Being on this show seems like a blast. You travel all around the world getting to do amazing things for weeks. Greek Groban was clearly more excited for the helicopter and waterfall high dives than Ashley. Mrs. Dugan and I discussed this during the date after we both ran to the nearest bathroom to throw up after Ashley's quote of the night from the helicopter: "I have a Greek God to my left and crystal blue water beneath me"

Ugh. But Fleiss & Co. deserve all the credit, because right when they are about to lose me, they flash to pathetic Solar Vienna and make it appear Ashley flies right over head. The helicopter has replaced the rain cloud as Solar Vienna's torment. 

Dinner Time

It's time to get down to business for Ashley. She wants some questions answered followed by the romance novel treatment from her Greek Groban God. Ashley questions his home purchasing methods, hand holding reluctance and general lack of being head over heels. Greek Groban explains that things have to come naturally, that they have not yet, and that he knows what the fantasy suite means and implies. And that he knows he is NOT in love with her. BOOM. ROASTED.

East Coast Interruption by the POTUS and George Hamilton's response. (Dugan will not breakdown politics in this space.)

But terrible timing by the politicos. Back to Fiji. And Greek Groban brings it for the blog in this statement to Ashley:

"This means the end of the road for me."

Ashley's response: 

Dugan's only thought:

And Ashley sits alone, at the table, reading her fantasy suite card. Dumped. Hilarious.

Solar Vienna Part II of II: From Limo to Lame

Solar Vienna can never get past losing his early lead. Ashley needs to set him straight and to right her world from the Greek Gong Show. Ashley dumps Solar Vienna and Dugan fast forwards the DVR because he is done with Solar Vienna.

Cupcake's Time to Shine

I always wonder what's going on in the background. The seaplane pilot drops them off on the beach. Does he have a kindle? An Ipad with wifi? Is he checking his portfolio while the lovebirds make out on the beach in front of the camera crew? I admit I think too much about this show, but it's an escape and I can't stop now.

Ashley explains that she sent two men home to Cupcake. How she had to let Ryan go again and how it was a mutual decision with her and Greek Groban. 

Ashley reinvents getting dumped, spends some fantasy suite time with Cupcake where Fleiss & Co. once again try to force Ashley's nonexistent sexiness on us. And ABC still had some time to fill so they had a rose ceremony with two men and two roses. And I refuse to comment further because Harrison did not utter his most important line. 

The Bachelorette Episode 7: Holy &%#@, there's only 6 guys left?

Did the opening leave anyone else surprised? Apparently this season is humming along, because we are at the hometown dates next week. Anyways, Ashley began the week with a run down of the guys and why she likes them. Solar Vienna and Cupcake make her feel safe. Lucas Oil is a genuine, great guy. El Douche is unique, sweet and intelligent. Winemaker Ben is funny. And Greek Groban is easy to look at. Dugan knows the way to a women's heart is to make her laugh, so Ben is now my pick to win.

The guys are welcomed to Taiwan by Harrison. Mrs. Dugan points out the odd distance between the guys and Harrison. He is literally 30 yards away from them. He should have used a bullhorn when explaining the three one-on-ones and group date.

Greek Groban and the Pissing Dog


Ashley dishes that her relationship with Greek Groban is slowly proceeding compared to the others. But they have just the thing to get things heated up: a steam engine. BOOM.

Ashley explains that "wishes come true" during this rather picturesque lantern lighting ceremony. And she drops an early favorite for Dugan's quote of the night:

"He is taking this lantern thing seriously. It makes me think there may be a future there."

Greek Groban explains he has a big family. I know everyone's thinking it:

Greek Groban tells Ashley he has strong feelings, but is not ready to throw around the L word just yet. Perhaps because he's known her for approximately 13 days. While shown in the credits, it was probably the highlight of the episode, but a dog pissed on their wish lantern. It was hilarious.

Ben's Gorges Date

Ben heard about the Gorges date and wisely guessed there would be some "outdoor time." Unless Taiwan has indoor gorges, Dugan wasn't ready to proclaim Winemaker the next Nostradamus. Early on in the date, we learned just how much of a favorite Ben had become. Ashley claimed Ben was "the man" on his moped. ON. A. MOPED.

At dinner, Ashley made a pretty big faux pas in Ben's world. She compared the wine to the wine he brought her. You could see the devastation in Ben's face. The Dental Student does not have a deft palate. Ben's face relayed the wines were similar along the lines of "they were both white." The wine flop doesn't end the date, nor do they...until the next morning.

Cupcake "doesn't give a fuck" which clearly means he gives a lot a fuck. Winemaker gets a nickname from the men upon his arrival, Mr. 24 hours. I like it, but we're sticking with Winemaker at WWT.

"Group Dates Suck" 

Another gem from Cupcake while completely unravelling on the group date of wedding photos. Lucas Oil had to wear a condom. El Douche was dressed up in the Dumb & Dumber tuxes. Lucas Oil and El Douche were set up to fail and excelled.

Cupcake gets to wear a tux and crumbles. But his connection with Ashley and whining secure a rose and a hometown date.

Solar Vienna and the lack of Sunshine

Perhaps it was an omen that the sun did not appear in Taiwan for Solar Vienna. But do you know who did? The fortune teller from Big masquerading as a Taiwanese God of Love.

Ashley searched and searched for the romantic connection with Solar Vienna but she came to the same conclusion as the rest of the guys in the house: "I'm just not feeling it." Hey, Ryan!!!

Solar Vienna got the boot mid date. Watching Ryan's meltdown, Dugan felt this date might as well have taken place in Fukushima instead of Taiwan.

Rose Ceremony

Consistent with the heavy theme of inserted pictures, we'll continue for the Rose Ceremony portion of the blog.

The crumbling cupcake is safe.

Who's joining him:

Greek Groban.

Winemaker.

El Douche.

Don't stress Lucas, any Texan knows a lot of wells end up dry. Keep digging, buddy. Keep digging.

The Bachelorette Episode IV: Four is for Fuck It.

We begin the episode with a review of the Bentley drama which will be discussed ad nauseum through the show. Harrison tells the boys to pack their bags as a change in scenery is needed. The Dental Student and her gaggle of men are heading to Phuket, Thailand for two One-on-ones and a Group Date. As for our introduction to Thailand, I cannot be the only one who thought that first women was going to give Ashley a manicure. Turns out she was the concierge and helped Ashley plan her dates during what appeared to be monsoon season in Fuck It.

Greek Groban and the Manny Pacquiao Boat Captain


After Pacquiao cancels the boat outing for Ashley and Greek Groban, this is what happened next:



Ok, full disclosure, Dugan couldn't pay attention to the discussions between Greek Groban and Ashley as it bored me to tears. I actually read this article, seriously, on the status of local drought conditions. The only redeeming part of the date is the very practical and wise advice received from this guy:

 When asked for the secret to his long marriage, Long Duck Dong told them to forgive and forget and not to try and win in the relationship. Please be aware that no platitudes offered by Fleiss & Co. will match this advice for this or any season of the show. Despite my boredom, Greek Groban thought the day was fun and Ashley said, "today was perfect." A late night ocean romp secures the Rose and you could say Greek Groban raised Ashley up.





Group Date brings a Tsunami of Help to Thailand


The rest of the men (Winemaker Ben, Cupcake, the only Dentist on the show, Mickey, Adam West, LL Ben, Nick, Lucas Oil, Cell Phone Bill and Solar Ryan try to make the world a better place sprucing up an orphanage in Thailand. The men did a great job painting and supplying the kids with much needed lacrosse nets. Solar Ryan is becoming the Vienna of this season - the frontrunner that is wearing on everyone's patience. Ashley is concerned that the guys are paying too much attention to their service work and not enough to her. This truly highlights her amazing lack of depth and self-esteem. Winemaker Ben draws a mural of an elephant and secures the rose. 


El Douche and the Dental Student


Ames starts the date with a long distance jog after Ashley waves - showing the producers are putting in the time with him. I wanted to dislike El Douche but this date rehabilitated him in Dugan's eyes. And El Douche (sorry, but the nickname stays) had the always important Dugan Quote of the night. Standing on the front of the boat, Ashley offered, "I feel like we're on the Titanic." Ames quickly responded, "Let's hope not." ZINGGGGGGGGG. Moonwalk. Moonwalk. Moonwalk. See below for Ashley's dream and Ames' nightmare.

Ames led a very cool kayaking trip and continued to rehab his image for this WWT writer. I think I was falling for Ames by the end of the date. Ashley was similarly convinced and offered Ames the rose.


Rose Ceremony Bullet Points

• West shows up for some one-on-one time late in the episode and Ashley fears she can't replace his deceased wife. Ouch - how do you answer that one? 
• Lucas Oil reveals he was previously married . . . to a woman!
• Solar Ryan as Vienna continues, and the only Dentist on the show tells him to his face
• Solar Ryan explains that he is always happy because our soldiers are overseas taking mortar shots. Solar Ryan will now be renamed Non Sequitor Ryan.
• Solar Ryan is not too happy, he's "bursting with a lot of love in his chest." Ok, sweet. Makes perfect sense.
• Greek Groban, Winemaker Ben and El Douche are safe.
• Harrison and Ashley discuss the need for an extra rose as she has only one sure-fire exit worthy man.
• And the roses go to . . .
• Lucas Oil, Solar Ryan, Cupcake, Nick, Mickey, Dentist, Cell Phone Bill and LL Ben.
• In Ashley's final ruling, West was dismissed with prejudice.