Bachelor Pad 2, Episode IV: Mt. Saint Melissa

The Cliffhanger
No, silly, I'm not talking the Sopranos style end to last week. But the Stallone inspired cliffhanger leaving Jake in the balance:

Jake loses his grip and Fleiss & Co. can only extend his run into the first few minutes of episode IV. 

Kissing Competition

Michelle bows out citing morals.

MICHELLE BOWS OUT CITING MORALS. Let's just move on before Dugan's head explodes. Ella, the other single mother, has no such qualms. Holly is blindfolded first and most of the guys respect Breakdancing Michael's dibs on his former fiance and give innocent pecks. For today's WWT math lesson, 1 US peck = 0.25 US bushels. If the other guys were going for pecks, Dentist Blake stepped up his game with a bushel or two. And for the rest:

• Momma Ella brings home the rose for some "baby making kisses."
• Erica was giving it her all 

• Kasey's breathe turned off the women
• Blake had no fear until it came to Vienna
• Blake and Ella get roses and ones to give out

 Ella's date to the other Bachelor House   

• Ella takes teammate Kirk on a date with a red ferari to the other house in the Bachelor stable.
• Kirk rehashes his life threatening mold story.
• This story falls on deaf ears with the authors of WWT because this is an untouched photo of the house Wags and I lived in during college:

• Kirk got sick, lost 20 lbs and dropped out of school. I know A LOT of guys who got sick often, gained 20 lbs and dropped out of school. Oh, and they don't complain about it on national television.
• Especially to a women who trumps your bad "cold" during college with the ol' "I watched my step dad murder my mother when I was 3."
• There are NO WINNERS when Kirk whines about his sickness.
• Back at the house, Erica is giving Blake a massage and I would rather not discuss more since many people read this blog while eating breakfast.

WWT's Having Fun With Wikipedia

Mount St. Melissa is an active stratovolcano located in Orange County, Florida, in the Southeast region of the United States. She is 96 miles (154 km) south of Sanity, Anywhere and 50 miles (80 km) northeast of Lucid, Thought. Mount St. Melissa takes its English name from the British diplomat Lord St Crazy, a friend of producer Mike Fleiss who wisely cast her in a previous season of the Bachelor. The volcano is located in the Bachelor/ette collection of shows and is part of the the reason the United States will not be a superpower in the near future, a segment of the Reality Ring of Fire that includes over 160 active volcanoes on a myriad of television programs. This volcano is well known for its behavioral explosions and psychiatric flows.

Mount St. Melissa is most notorious for her catastrophic eruption on August 29, 2011, at 8:32 pm EST^[2] which was the craziest and most career destructive volcanic event in the history of the United States. Fifty-seven people were brought to tears; 250 snorted, 47 immediately texted "LOL", and one Dugan immediately requested she be made the next Bachelorette.

•  Blake made an awful, early game decision to play with Melissa.
• He tried to cut his ties and Mt. Saint Melissa erupted
• Blake chose Mike's former fiance Holly for his one-on-one
• Melissa calls Blake a dictator ...I...can't...resist...the...temptation

IT'S MUAMMAR AL BLAKE!!!

Muammar and Holly Go Skiing

The two have an obvious budding connection and Mike sits back at the pad not wanting them to fall in love…

• Melissa does a terrible job of trying to console breakdancing Mike by calling his former fiance a hoe and Muammar a Don Juan.
• Now that Holly is into another guy, Mike tries to make his move (good timing, Mike!).

<<< I interrupt the WWT recap to bring you the funniest moment from ABC last night. While announcing the next cast for Dancing with the 'Stars,' David Arquette was billed as “King of the Big Screen.” If you were given 2,000 guesses to who is "King of the Big Screen?" would you have reached Mr. Cox?">>>

Rose Ceremony: 

• Safe: Blake, Holly, Kirk, Ella
• Kasey says the 250,000.00 prize is for "my grandma to live."
• Michael and Holly create the Brad & Emilyesque date of their own at the mansion
• Kasey, the shows Godfather, admits he is scared of Mt. Saint Melissa
• Cell Phone Bill and Mt. Saint Melissa are done.

We'll miss you, Melissa.

Bachelor Pad 2, Episode II: "We're having a yacht of fun"

Good news: There will be a recap of the episode for our faithful readers. Bad news: It's written by Dugan. We'll do this thing bullet point style again and get you the highlights as I saw them. Please add your own in the comments because I don't watch BP nearly as closely as the Bachelor/ette. The episode begins with Kasey as the Batchelor Godfather choosing who lives or dies.

Just a heads up to our fans. When writing your Bachelor blog at work, be careful with google image search. Because my "Kasey Bachelor" image search prompted a "Casey Batchelor" image search and may lead to Dugan meeting with HR this afternoon. Considering Dugan is HR, I have not decided how to punish myself yet. But let's get back to the episode and the competition for this week's roses

Egg Toss Paint Ball

 The competition was basically who could break an egg on the opposite sex's back. Since Erica was the largest target, she got hit a lot. Personally, I never thought Erica looked better:

Before telling you who won, my favorite parts of the competition:

• Our boy Chris Harrison guessing who they were aiming at. Say artist Jackie missed badly when asked to hit the "dumbest guy." Chris would confidantly volunteer who they were aiming at, "Oh, she was going for Cell Phone Bill with that one." Ouch, Harrison.
• Break Dancing Michael turns into Lee Smith with the overhand fireball drilling Erica.
• Break Dancing Michael and Olive Graden Melissa (remember, she's a hostess at a central florida restaurant) win safety and the right to go on dates.

Breakdancing Mike's Scary Date

And it has nothing to do with the haunted Linda Vista Hospital. He took Erica!!! That would scare the shit out of any guy. But in addition to Erica, Mike decided to breakdance with ex-fiance Holly and Michelle Boozer. This is a hilarious foursome.

• Mike and Holly only broke up 2.5 months before BP2
• Mike and Erica try to contact the dead
• Michelle and Holly discuss whether "there's still something there" between Mike and Holly
• Mike and Holly discuss the timing issues that affected their relationship
• The ex, Holly, gets a rose and safety.

Olive Garden Melissa's a yacht of fun

Ok, I have used Kasey the Frog's pun twice now. It was incredible. Almost good enough to lessen my hate for him. He is simply awful. But he is with Vienna so he's got that going for him. Kasey the Frog and Olive Garden Melissa discuss a rose-safety swap until Blake the Dentist, Male Gigolo appears.

Dentist Blake tries to explain the date:

Blame it on the goose

Got you geeling loose

Blame it on the petron

Got you in the zone

Blame it on the a a a a a alcohol

Blame it on the a a a a a a alcohol

The Dentist is in t-r-o-u-b-l-e. He did not heed warnings about Melissa, secured the rose and sealed his fate. Despite Melissa's desire to rehab her image on BP2, we all know what's going to happen. This. will. not. end. well.

Rose ceremony drama

Chris Harrison enters the Kasey the Frog controlled rose ceremony and drops a bomb: Jake's not leaving tonight as two girls will exit. Kasey & Vienna threaten to leave the show because of the producer's "cheating." Mrs. Dugan brings a strong thought about Vienna: "She's so bad she almost makes Jake likeable." Mind you, Mrs. Dugan is no less convinced that Jake is Patrick Bateman incarnate. And for the rest:

• Blake's getting to see the full Melissa
• "I've been carrying him. I've been winning competitions for us." (There have been 2. She won 1.)
• Kirk and Ella are very normal compared to the rest of the people on the show
• Kasey the Frog is flailing as Don Corleone
• Michelle Boozer tries to convince Jake to leave. Humorous.
• Gia bails after Graham sells her out to the Bachelor Don.

Ames & the Artist

Ames & Jackie's exit was straight out of Hollywood. Sometimes Fleiss & Co. knock it out of the park. That's why some of their cheaper stunts annoy me. They have the ability to do great work (see making Don Kasey the Frog look ridiculous the entire episode) but they can also fall flat at times (egg competition). But Ames choosing Jackie over a chance at $250,000.00 was pretty smooth by Dugan's standards. WWT wishes them luck and continues to apologize for your unfortunate nickname, El Douche (but did you see those red pants?).

Line of the Night: "I think it's safe to say that we won Bachelor Pad 2."

Awwww. Puppies.