LeBron-chelorette Madness!!

Below is the re-cap of the entire season as we head into the FINALE THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE HAS BEEN WAITING TO SEE. As LeBron gives his final rose of true love Thursday night, 9pm Eastern Time on ESPN.


Episode 1: We start with 30 contestants all vying for the love of a single Basketball Player. Right away, our LeBronchelorette has to eliminate 1/3 of the field and let me tell you it was THE MOST DRAMATIC SEASON PREMIERE OF IN LeBRONCHELORETTE HISTORY. The rivalries surface immediately. Two head turners from Florida immediately exchange dirty looks and things escalate when the Miami Heat get the first impression rose. The Lakers don't seem to makes any friends and butt heads frequently with Clips, Celts, Suns and Kings on the first group date. When no one is looking The Celtics push The Lakers into the LeBrea Tar Pits which ends the first group date early with no one getting a rose. On to the first and most legendary cocktail party of all time where the contestants from Detriot and Indiana throw beer on each other and give us our first LeBRONCHELORETTE MELEE! LeBron is not impressed and sends both of them home immediately. No one else is upset about two competitors going home but many of the teams remaining saw the Knicks as an instigator as multiple parties witnessed The Knicks telling both Detriot and Indiana that the other said that "you were kind of b****" Also people began to question if the Knicks were there for the right reasons when they found out the Knicks have their own cable network and they were publically traded. This led the Knicks to be symbolically voted off, and LeBron, as per tradition, gave the Knicks the veto rose to keep them around. An early Raptors exit marked the end of a string of (Le)Brachelor/ettes where we've had entertaining Canadians play a pivotal roll. We're now down to 20 teams:


Episode 2:

The teams wake up early and the Rockets answer the first door bell in the mansion and announce that the first one-on-one date will go to the Hornets. They get to take LeBron to Vegas and LeBron becomes BFFs with their point guard at the Craps tables, the gifted rose at the end of this date is a given after the first 5 minutes of this date. The Grizzled Grizzlies go up against the Dallas Mavericks in the first 2-on-1. LeBron and the Mavs bond over the Cowboys and being rich, the Griz sit on their hands with not a lot to say and get sent home.

The group date brings the rest of the team to a Midnight Rock-n-Roll Bowling. The Cavs get a Turkey and a rose on this group date. The Washington Wizards have emerged as the team that wants to guard and protect LeBron's heart and is highly skeptical of the Knick's intentions.

Everyone is on their best behavior for this Cocktail party for the most part as LeBron has not rewarded the fighters up to this point. However the Knicks antics in the house continue to get under people's skin. This time its the Nuggets that crack. A Nuggets rep slaps the Knicks but then runs away. LeBron sees this and sends the Nuggets home and then cuddles awkwardly with the Knicks after and they talk about how people love to hate on the guy on top. The Bobcats and 76ers get do not get roses as they flew too low under the radar and LeBron didn't feel a relationship developing with them as quickly as he did with other contestants. The Warriors and Hawks are also sent home without a rose, mainly because it would break the laws of nature to see them advance past the 2nd round.

Episode 3:

There are 13 contestants left. LeBron tells us "now this is getting serious. I need to know teams are here for the right reasons." Knock-Knock... Who's there? a 2-1 date for a rose for one of the best NBA Rivalries, the Lakers and Celtics. The helicopter ride to the Catlina Wine Mixer had all the makings of a dream date but the two teams on the date constantly put each other down and belittled each other's accomplishments. This was not a deal breaker for LeBron and at first he seemed to enjoy the competitive juices flowing on the date. However, when it became obvious that they were not doing this to impress him he became disinterested and ended up giving neither team a rose. "The Lakers and Celtics did not tell LeBron he was beautiful once, neither showed remorse for that or for their constant bickering with each other." Maverick Carter told E! News after the show. While Maverick is not on screen because he's not the most attractive individual, one of the conditions of LeBron doing the show was that he be able to have text conversations with him at any time during filming.

The Bulls get a one-on-one date and they go to the Premiere of the new Twilight Movie. LeBron is stoked. They are both Team Edward.

In the cocktail party this time LeBron spends most of the party talking to his new BFF on the Hornets. This makes all the other teams jealous but no one wants to interupt because there is only one team not getting a rose at tonight's ceremony and no one wants to rock the boat. However, LeBron and the Hornets decide in their conversation that while they want to remain great friends, their journey on this show has probably run its course and its best for them to part ways now. They wish each other good luck and we have our first man tears of the season.

Episode 4:

The 10 left get summoned to Larry Flynt's Hustler Casino in Gardina. They are greeted by some of the cast of Basketball Wives and shown to the poker room where each team has a seat at a table with chips ready for them. Its a winner take all Texas Hold'em Tournament for a dream date with LeBron. The Cavs win and say its the best thing they've won since they won the NBA Draft Lottery. Of the 9 contestants left, 4 play in a side game to kill time, the Wizards take the Mavs, Rockets and Spurs for about $25K each provoking the Wiz to taunt with comments like, "I thought you guys invented this game?" The Texas teams did not take kindly to the insults and all decided the game was just for fun and paid up with the fake tournament chips. Wiz reps responded by saying, "Its cool, we've got a gun for each of you" and leaving them out in the bunk bed room. Police swing by the house and pick up the Wiz. The Spurs and Rockets are also collateral damage in this conflict. The Mavs save themselves by telling LeBron that the Oklahoma City Thunder said that they have a player that might already be better than LeBron anyways. LeBron confronted them about saying this and they admitted they said it when they were drunk but wouldn't take it back either. They also insisted it wasn't an insult and that the Mavs were just spinning it to save themselves. Lost in all of this drama is just how much the Clippers really have no shot but have stayed out of the drama.

We're left with LA Clippers, NJ Nyets, Chicago Bulls, Miami Heat, Cleavland Cavs, Dallas Mavericks

Episode 5: HOME TOWN DATES

LeBron and Maverick Carter hole themselves up in Cleveland and have the contestants meet them there. The Nets get the first visit and pretty much never considered again. The Mavs have only gotten a phone call contact. The Clips have emerged ed as the Crazy-Eyes of the bunch, convinced they deserved this in life and its their time to get this. All three are sent home roseless.

Episode 6: The Final Four

LeBron just doesn't know... he gives all 4 roses...

The Heat have 'a nice pair of assets' in Wade/Bosh

The Knicks gave the best Business Case (the PPT is basically porn for sports nerds)

The Bulls have the most going for them right now

And the Cavs are home, the safe place and they made a movie using Gladiator quotes and music

Episode 7: Teams Tell All

All of the teams come back talk about their experience wooing LeBron. This is a great re-cap of the drama, the OKC really lay into the Mavs for selling them out, citing Bro-Code. LeBron even makes a little appearance himself... but doesn't offer any hints to who of the final four he chooses. The Nets are also absent, leading to speculation they may still be in the running.

Episode 8: Fantasy Suite Night

The whereabouts of the Suite are unknown to the viewers and seeminly to his final suitors as well. None of the hopefuls have the key or are really invited. However, in a final twist, the remaining of each of the four teams will be armed with $2M in extra cap space to either give to our LeBronchelorette or to other players that will make him happy, how will they communicate their intentions to him. The Bulls do it by signing Carlos Boozer. The Heat are doing it through Bosh/Wade. The Knick have Amar'e and the NY Media. Most Russian spies in America are being sent back to the homeland so that may damper the Nets chances. The reality is no one really knows whats going to happen. The favorite changes hourly.

All of this brings us to tonight's finale: THE FINAL ROSE

What is there left to say but...

Enter Chris Harrison...

"Gentlemen, this is the final Rose... LeBron, whenever you are ready..."