The Bachelor Finale

Below, you'll see two summaries. One is from the perspective of Emily, the other from Chantal. Enjoy.

Through the Eyes of Emily, Ya'all.

Well, ya'all, I'm really excited to bring you this recap of the finale through the eyes of your next bachelorette winner. Fuck. I won? Well, listen here lil' angels, and I'll tell ya'll a storey about a prince named Brad, a wicked witch named Chantal and a fairy princess named Emily.

I knew Chantal would be meeting with Brad's family first. Look, she's a sweet thang and all, but therez no way she can match my storie. And the producers have told me all along I would be the next bachelor girl. The meeting with Brad's family was sweet until the tubby brother, Wes, kept on bringing up the deceased love of my life, Ricky. No, Wes, ricky's daddy aint going to be a major hangup.He gone. Chad and Wes take Brad aside and tell him how miserable life will be as a daddy. This show presents parenting as nightly trips to the hospital while losing all your friends, free time and fun. ABC's Bachelor did more for abstinence in 2 hours than our sweet southern states have over the last decade.

When I sat down with Brad's mom, Pam, I wanted to see if I could make her head explode. I went through my tragedy a few more times just so it really hit home. I got her good and swelled up with tears. Then, I called her son, Brad, my angel. More tears. Then she began to fizzle and spark like a fembot. Then I showed her my bracelet that I wear everyday with my dead Ricky's initials.

And then I told her how I can't wait to have Brad's initials on my wrist. And her head blew up. Golly, it waz funny. Once I secured the family's vote, it was down to our one-on-ones.

I knew the producers would put that ho in a bathing suit one more time. Id be surprized if she didnt go ATM. Who the hell manages to show boobies in a wet suit? But the producers didn't let Brad stay overnight. Damn, that's when Chantal could have clinched it and eased my path as the next Bachelorette.

The golly darn producers put me in another flying machine to a picnic. If I go on one more fucking picnic with Brad, I'm going to shoot someone. Let's recap:

1. Winery picnic

2. Rose ceremony picnic

3. Deserted island picnic

4. Safari picnic

5. Cape of Good Hope Picnic.

I give it one more shot telling Brad how much it sucks being a parent. Mind you, I've been on this show for so long that North Carolina Department of Children and Families has taken lil' Ricky away from me so Brad won't have to be a parent if we win. After Brad's brothers and I are done with him, this is Brad's view of lil' Ricky:

It's the morning of the rose ceremony and the full team of makeup and hair artists come and get me ready. Then they tell me to get back in bed so they can get a shot of me waking up fully dolled up and run to the windowsill to look aimlessly at the ocean. What's odd is that I do that all the time in Charlotte!!!

Let's get to the rose ceremony. I chucked when we were going to Ernie Els winery as I always referred to Chantal as "Big Easy."  Nearing the rose ceremony, I begin to re-think this bachelorette thing. I actually like Brad. We could make this work. And it helps that we are in formal wear. Chantal wood've a better chance if she dressed lika Hooters girl. It's go time.

The Bachelor Finale: Chantal The Underdog

From Chantal's perspective going into this episode, she must have been quite nervous. She's going head-to-head against Emily, America's sweetheart. On the other hand, Chantal has prepped (i.e. had plastic surgery) as much as possible to get ready for this moment.

Brad's family arrived in Cape Town. Brad, like Chantal, was incredibly emotional. Chantal got to meet Chad and the not-so-good-looking younger brother. Chantal revealed that she knows she can fall in love quickly because she had been married before. Chad, the master of spin, sees this as a good thing because she must know what she wants since it didn't work out the first time.

Emily's date was next. While watching at home, Chantal must be feeling even better once Brad told his family that Emily has a daughter and a deceased baby daddy. Brad's family saw red flags. The mood was noticeably more somber compared to Chantal's date.

Brad used these words and phrases to describe Emily: "lady," "makes me be better," "sweet," "veneers," and "kind of boring." Okay, he only said 3 out of 5 of those, but Chantal definitely hopes Bradmund focuses on the latter two.

At the end of the two date, Brad's family says that they would prefer that he pick Emily. If Chantal had ever watched previous seasons of this show before, she would know that this is a good thing for her because the obvious favorite rarely wins (unless you count Jason Mesnick's season, when both of them kind of won).

Chantal then had her chance to get back in the driver's seat by facing her fears. She put Brad at ease in her wet suit by showing off her two plastic flotation devices. Loyal reader J. Mack of Florida knew that Chantal's life rafts would make a strong impression on this final episode.

Chantal must have been rejoicing at Emily's one-on-one date. Though it had a helicopter and romantic music, Emily ruined the mood by talking about how her life is not like the Bachelor Pad. Cue Chantal cackling at home about how Emily should have focused on cleavage rather than step parenting, trips to the hospital, and not being "ready."

Chantal responded with another cleavage shot followed up with a bathing suit . No one in America can say that Chantal didn't give it her all compared to Emily. Emily offered a life of emergency room visits and Chantal showed exactly what she will bring to the table.

Brad had a meeting with Neal Lane (yes, that Neal Lane). Chantal had to be thrilled with the ring Brad selected when compared to the first ring she had. I went online to try and find a photo, but the search term "chantal o'brien first wedding ring" didn't return g-rated photos.

Chantal was the first lady out of the limo. That used to be a bad sign, but lately, this is not indicative of anything. And then the moment arrived: Chantal wins! Chantal wins! Chantal wins! Wait a second. Chantal lost. As usual, Bradmund wanted to talk it out. Chantal was having none of it.

Emily followed up by taking the final rose. Chantal must be upset at this finale, but there's no shame in losing to Emily. Losing to CEMII or Bartender Stacy would have been a whole other ballgame.

Chantal had something very special to offer Brad: capital. Her family could have definitely put up the money to expand the Brad/Chad restaurant chain to Seattle. Chantal and Brad could have opened a Bachelor-themed restaurant.

Some of the suggested menu items based on the finale and this season:

Shark Fin Soup: face your biggest fears like they do on the Bachelor

The Harrison/Womack Sampler: the best appetizers of Texas with a hint of rosewater

Slap Chop Pork Chops: hand slapped pork chops reminiscent of a first date

The Brad Burger: looks well put together, but deep down is plain and uninteresting

The Big Deal Baked Ziti: because with Brad, everything is a big deal

38 Oz. Steak: once ounce for every year Brad has been alive (you probably only thought it was going to be a 32 ouncer)

Featured Beer - Blonde Lager: much less fun than a dark ale

Chocolate Cake: this is why you came here...for the right reasons

In conclusion, the lesson of this season is that she who has the most helicopter rides, wins.

The Bachelor: Women Tell All (about CEMII)

Fans, Friends, Foes: The recapitulation will be short and sweet because there were no real revelations during the WTA. For those needing an excuse to skip the episode and save some space on their DVRs, here you go:

• Brad admitted to being "blindsided by beauty" with Michelle Money, aka, "she was hot so I can put up with a little more crazy."
• The "Bachelor Nation" is 500 strong and counting and I am pretty sure they play a game called 2 Degrees of Wes.
• Rozlyn still looks good and is in strong contention for Bachelor Pad II this summer.
• Gia explains what you cannot do to a girlfriend's former beau, but that "in the rule of skank, you can do that."
• CEM II got ganged up on by the other women and fake cried about the emotional strain of leaving lil' $ at home. I say fake cried because I believe she'll manage to leave lil' $ at home to go on Bachelor Pad II.
• Harrison, Lisa and the Dental Student had CEM II's back.
• The Nanny is still wearing silly bands.
• No Malibu Shark Attack Lindsey
• The Manscaper blames Bennigan's Waitress Melissa on her exit from the show. The Nanny and the Artist point out that getting into stupid drama in front of Brad was her own fault.
• The Dental Student was more likable than ever.
• Brad comes on at the end and says he is "more and more and more in love every day." So don't worry about the Mesnick Balcony scenes in next week's finale because Brad seems content.

There were some good moments, but it was mostly an uneventful Women Tell All. Dugan's favorite moment came during the CEM II crying scenes when they failed to edit out one of the girls saying "this is stupid."

I agree. Here are some crying pictures to end the WTA recap.