The Bachelor: Sonoma Ben Vintage IX

After last week's episode, I have devoted my life to doing everything "prayerfully." Though she's gone, Kacie B. will forever be responsible for providing me with my new favorite adverb.

Welcome to dream date week! Ben is off to Switzerland to be with his three swiss misses. While pensively flying to Switzerland, Ben summarized his feelings for each lady:

1) Nicki Top Three: "There's something enticing about her." That's just a lower back tattoo.

2) Seabiscuit Lynzi: "She's a little bit country and a little bit city." Rides horses but spells her name like a stripper.

3) House B: "There's a magical force that pulls us together." Skinny dipping and "night caps" are magical.

Date #1: Nicki Top Three

Nicki and Ben started off their date with a helicopter ride. The view was "majestic." Is there any other way to describe a view? The answer is no. It seems like majestic is really just a helicopter view word. It's also acceptable to use while on a hot air balloon. Not acceptable on a 747 jet.

The date was pretty boring, so I started thinking (again) about how ridiculous Ben's hair looks. It's really long. I decided to google "serial killer" to see if Ben had any hair similarities. Just take a look at image result #9 compared to Ben:

Maybe it's a little bit of a stretch, but Ben could totally be Charles Manson's daughter.

After talking about how many kids they want to have together, Nicki accepted a trip to the fantasy suite. A shocker, it was not.

The room had a fireplace and a hot tub in it. They got busy in the hot tub. How weird that must have been that there was a camera person in the room. Unless you're Courtney, a cameraman in the room would really hinder the romance.

Though there was no rose at stake, Nicki gave the obligatory "I love you" to Ben.

Date #2: Seabiscuit Lynzi

With every passing moment, Seabiscuit seems more like the kind of girl that spends more time with horses than humans (read: crazy).

The date began with some ravine repelling. Like most dates, this activity was a metaphor for finding love. You must face your fears, work as a team, and survive. Get it? Repelling is a lot like love.

You know that feeling when you're awake, but so tired that your brain falls asleep on its own? I think that just happened to me while watching them on this date. Snoozefest! Bring on House B.

After taking a hot tub dip in a big wine barrel, Ben and Seabiscuit went to dinner. Once again, it looks like they were drinking a Chardonnay (or some other white wine). It seems like they always drink white wines on these dates. Do you think it's because it looks better on camera? Sparkles more in the candle light?

Seabiscuit accepted the fantasy suite "even though [she] doesn't normally do things like that." After she broke down her own barriers, she said that it was a "fantasy of a suite." That's why they call it the fantasy suite. It seems like a ridiculous distinction reminiscent of Dwight Shrute:

Date #3: House B

Unfortunately, it seems that House B has toned down her act a bit. This must be part of her strategy to appear normal. House...Boring. Bring back the skinny dipping tramp!

After taking the train to Wengen, Ben and House B. got some Swiss cheese at a bakery. Survey says that this was the most pedestrian date in Bachelor history.

House B. had a ten minute cry about how her actions towards the other ladies have been damaging to her relationship with Ben. Paging Dr. Harrison! It's a shame that Chris Harrison did not make the trip to Switzerland for a relationship therapy session.

House B. said that she wants "normal" in her life, and Ben "is that." What a backhanded compliment.

Kacie B.'s Return

After prayerfully thinking about Ben for the past week, Kacie B. dropped by Ben's hotel room in Switzerland.

For you non-Bachelor historians out there, this is a common move that the producers do to create drama. Usually, the contestant comes back to see if there's a chance they can get back in the game.

Kacie B.'s trip to Switzerland had a subtle twist though. Her stated goal in being there was to "get answers" for why Ben broke up with her. No begging. No pleading. She never asked to get back on the show. On the other hand, she finished off her talk with Ben by pulling a "Pavelka." This is when you come back to warn the Bachelor/ette that they should not pick someone (i.e. House B).

Rose Ceremony

Chris Harrison's flight arrived just in time to lead the rose ceremony and have a heart-to-heart with Ben. Liz pointed out that Chris couldn't seem less interested in Ben's problems. Ben's mental issues pale in comparison to Brad Womack.

In his hardest decision yet, Ben gave roses to Seabiscuit and House B.

Nicki Top Three's run ends here, exactly as predicted by her nickname. I don't like to brag, but, whoa I'm good.

Until next week, when the Ladies Tell All...

The Bachelor: Sonoma Ben Vintage VIII - Hometowns

Final Four Ho-down Showdown

Seabiscuit v. Kacie B. v. Nicky Top Three v. House Bitch

Ocala Gala

Seabiscuit continues to be a fast starter and is first out the gate. Incidentally, we probably should have named her Seattle Slew. Dugan and Mrs. D's friend Lindsey thinks we should have named her moron for butchering the spelling of her own name. But we know that's her parents fault - maybe they have their own name issues to deal with (foreshadowing greatest name EVER). The Biscuit lives a few (3058) miles away from her family in Ocala, Florida, where Ben starts the hometowns.

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Dugan actually has some familiarity with Ocala having camped at Ocala National Forest during summers growing up in the Sunshine State. I remember the forest and beautiful natural springs very well. However, times have changed and Ocala now calls itself the Horse Capital of the World  - mind you, no one else calls it that. Seabicuit & Family were eager to test Ben in the Cox Family Tradition of carriage racing.

Mr. Cox tells Ben there is only one rule - that you have to trash talk. Ben responds, "I don't know Harry, I just met you." Innocent enough. Wait a second. Oh. Wow. Oh WOW. Cox Family Tradition. Mr. Cox. Harry. SEABISCUIT HAS A DAD NAMED HARRY COX. 

Nothing else matters on this date. Harry Cox must advance. I mean Seabiscuit. Whatever. Harry Cox. I'm 14 years old again and can't help it. The date ended with a nice campfire and smores. After Mrs. Dugan ran to the kitchen to check if we had the ingredients to make our own smores, she noticed the Mason Jar wineglasses that Harry Cox and Ben were using around the campfire. For those so inclined to pick up a pair of Redneck Wineglasses - click here.

Last Date in Clarksville

Despite the great Monkeys hit, this was/will be the Bachelor/ette's first and last date in Clarksville, TN. The youngest contestant remaining shows her maturity by marching with a high school band. Kacie B. knows her family - the teetotaler father and bible belt mother - will be tough on Ben. 

Kacie's Dad

Winemaker v. Teetotaler

The interaction between Ben and the Fed Father provided my other (see Cox, Harry) favorite moments of the night. You can tell Kacie's dad had zero faith in Ben, The Bacherlor/ette, Harrison, Fleiss, Neil Lane or anyone else for that matter. He leans in and asks Ben, "What made you choose Kacie to get this far?" If Ben answered, "her ass," we would have had our first murder on the Bachelor. Kacie's dad was looking out for his little girl, but he may be wound a little tight. Kacie's mom was very concerned about the prospect of them living together before marriage. As long as Kacie looked at things "prayerfully and carefully"...did they really say that? 

Kacie's parents view of California girls:

Nicky does Fort Worth


Nicky likes Ben. Ben likes Nicky. They both like Fort Worth. And ugly hats. She's been married before but things feel different this time around. The L word is thrown around. Nicky has to advance, right? She's Nicky Top Three? Has to. Right?


Scottsdale with HB


Ben intros the date with some questions about HB that he wants answered - about how she relates to people, her friends, relationships. Is she human? HB's dad reminded me of a TV/Movie character but its late and when you google "white haired dad movie," it did not provide the results needed - get on that Sergey and Larry. Mr. HB calls marriage "life's greatest gamble" instilling a lot of confidence in Ben. Ben said that grandkids could be arranged and sealed Mr. HB's approval (odd family). Her mother on the other hand was played by Magda from Something About Mary.

HB's Mom

After witnessing the HB/Mrs. HB interaction, it actually shed a lot of light on why HB is HB.

Rose Ceremony

Courtney receives the first rose. Then Seabiscuit. Nicky Top Three v. Kacie? Nicky Top Three gets to keep the name and strive for Nicky Top Two next week. Kacie B.'s tears began rolling slow and graceful. I was proud of the way she initially held up. But that limo kept driving and the camera kept rolling...

“Why am I not good enough…this is why I don’t love. I loved him and I don’t know what to do now...How does this happen?...What the fuck happened???...What the fuck happened?"

Thank you Fleiss & Co. Until next week.

The Bachelor: Sonoma Ben Vintage VII

Well fans, there's good news and bad news. The bad news is Courtney (House B) is rumored to have a sex tape that's going to come out. If Ben somehow picks her, I predict that this home video might have negative ramifications for the relationship.

Now for the good news: I FOUND AN APPLE EQUIVALENT FOR MICROSOFT PAINT. Get ready for my posts to look like they used to (i.e. crappy copy/paste, middle school handwriting, and general sarcasm). So here's my first go. I'm calling it "What Ben Would Want to Do If He Found Out About the Sex Tape."

On to the episode. According to Comcast TV Guide, this is the seventh episode of season 16. That's amazing. 16 seasons of finding true love. Cheers to YOU Chris Harrison, Fleiss and Co., and ABC.

The show kicked off in Belize with the ladies risking life and limb in a propeller plane landing on a dirt runway. Looks like I won't be going to Belize any time soon if that's their idea of safe air travel.

I take back everything I just wrote about Belize. Chris Harrison is in Belize to tell the girls how important this week is. If Harrison is willing to go to Belize, so am I. This week is "so important" because next week is Hometown Date week. The week after that they go to Sonoma. The week after that is the Reunion. The week after that is the meeting with Neil Lane. Not sure why Harrison needed to fly all the way to Belize to tell us super fans what we already know.

Solo Date #1: Seabiscuit Lynzie

With no fanfare, Ben picked up Seabiscuit in a helicopter. Contestants usually freak out when they see a helicopter. It appears that flying in a helicopter has jumped the Bachelor shark.

Ben informed Seabiscuit that they were going to jump out of the chopper into the "blue hole." I'm no volcanologist (It's a real word. I looked it up.), but that blue hole is just a volcano opening, right?

Naturally, jumping 25 feet out of a helicopter made Seabiscuit feel like she's falling in love. Most volcanologists say that any helicopter jump over 22 feet tends to make a couple fall in love.

Some people have this thing that happens when they have alcohol and their face turns really red. Seabiscuit has this thing that happens when she drinks one glass of wine and she looks like she's been hit by a truck.

At dinner, they decided to put a message in a bottle. Seabiscuit decided to do a "magical fairytale." She then said, "Ben's my Prince Charming because he is a Prince Charming. He's my Prince Charming." This may not make any sense to anyone who speaks English, but it makes complete sense to the horses that Seabiscuit normally hangs out with.

Unfortunately for Seabiscuit, there was no rose at stake in this date.

Solo Date #2: Kendra Emily

Kendra took the Red Baron's plane to Kay Caulker island to meet Ben. What language do they speak in this place? Kay Caulker? Sounds like an island for insurance agents. Like a good neighbor, Kay Caulker is there.

After a quick game of one-on-one basketball, Bendra went looking for lobster. Kendra made the cardinal sin of annoyingness by saying that Ben is "so spontaneous." Fleiss and Co. are spontaneous. Ben is just as spontaneous or maybe not spontaneous as every one of the other previous 15 bachelors.

Bendra did some lobster catching. It looked really difficult. It seemed a little strange that they only caught the ones that had rubber bands around their claws.

Back at the house, the ladies wondered if Kendra's date wasn't going well. Bangs McGee Rachel said, "It's hard to tell." Since none of the ladies are actually on the date, yes, it would be quite hard to tell.

Like the first date, there was no rose available.

Solo Date #3: HOUSE B!!!!!

After threatening to leave the house if she didn't get a solo date, Ben (and Fleiss & Co.) came through for her. The other ladies did not take it well, especially Kacie B. This got me thinking about something on this show. They must all be forced to sit on that couch in the living room together, right? I would love to see how that rule is written up. Are they locked out of their bedrooms? Limited to 3 minutes in the kitchen to fix an alcoholic beverage?

The date began with a trip to some ruins. House B's first question was whether this is where human sacrifices occurred. Ben seemed okay with that thought. I, on the other hand, am not.

House B worried that she is not feeling the spark anymore for Ben. Ben reassured her that he likes her because "he's weird and she's a little weird." I don't think weird is the right word to describe House B. Coquettish is the closest word that is printable. There are many other words that apply. Please feel free to leave them in the comment section.

Though there was no rose available, House B was confident that she delivered the "kill shot" to all the other ladies. If you want more of House B stuck in your head (you do), please watch this wonderful minute-long video:

In a sneaky-great moment in Bachelor history, Ben asked House B if she "has a lot of friends." House B responded, "Yes. I have a lot of guy friends." Ben's look said it all. I'm pretty sure that was not the answer he was hoping for. Ben finally seems like he's on to her charade.

Group Date: Kacie B., Nicki Top 3, and Bangs McGee

Ben surprised the ladies at 4 am for an ocean adventure. Bangs McGee was really excited about all the fun things they could do on the ocean until she heard they were going shark diving. Turns out Bangs is a galeophobe (galeo is Greek for shark...phobe is Greek for Bangs is not going to win).

All of the ladies said they want Ben to meet their families. They all said it in an equally boring way. Though she didn't face any of her fears on this date, Ben gave the rose to Kacie. She's a lock for the final two.

House B said that Kacie is not a threat because she's a "little girl in a boy's body." I'm not even going to go near Microsoft Paint on that one.

Rose Ceremony

Ben, supposedly confident in his decision, called off the cocktail party. As we knew from the previews though, Ben was not all that confident in his decision because he needed to talk to House B. He wanted to make sure she was on the show for the proper grounds (aka "there for the right reasons").

Getting the remaining roses tonight were Nicki Top 3, Seabiscuit, and House B.

Goodbye Bangs McGee (never going to win anyways) and Kendra (blame Fleiss and Co. for making Ben pick House B). Too bad we've seen the end of Bendra.

Until next week's hometown dates.

Bachelor Outtakes: Unseen pages from Blakeley's Scrapbook

We loved the scrapbook scene with Blakeley at the Dugan household. Usually, scrapbooks and such mementos are left for later in the season during hometown, fantasy sweet nights or even the finale. However, Blakeley forged ahead with her scrap-booking ruse to win the love of Ben. What fans didn't see was the next page: Ben predicts Blakeley in five years. Enjoy.

The Bachelor: Sonoma Ben Vintage VI

Guess who's back, back again?
Dugan's back, tell a friend.

Before beginning my first review of the season, I have to give a heartfelt thanks to WWT's founding father Tim and his dominating Tim Lincecum style performance on the season. All without bullpen help.


Panama Past and Present


When I thought about Panama, two images popped into my mind: Manual Noriega and the Panama Canal.

After this week's episode, I'll add another image: Donald Trumps' Vagina Tower.

Thank you, Donald Trump. And Fleiss & Co.

Ben & Kacie's Deserted Island


Kacie B. gets the first one-on-one in Panama on a deserted island with Ben. (Sidebar - Dugan hasn't watched all the episodes and isn't on top of his game with this season's nicknames, etc. So when the date card is announced, I turn to Mrs. Dugan to the reaction of one of the women upset with Kacie's second one-on-one and ask, "What does Tim call Horse Teeth?" Mrs Dugan responds, "Her real name is Blakeley...the VIP cocktail waitress?" These are wonderful discussions to have. I love this show). As for the date, how "deserted" is an island that comes with a helicopter and pilot?

While Dugan may not have his own winery, he has chopped a coconut with a machete and thrown a cast net. I also have serious doubts about that fish they caught with that "casting net." That net is not used to catch fish like the one it did. SHENANIGANS, Fleiss & Co. SHENANIGANS. We'll just call it fishy and leave it at that.

Kacie B. decides to share her dark secret that forced her to grow up fast. I won't pass judgment on Kacie B for her high school battles with eating disorders, but she better tread lightly when compared to witnessing your step father murder your mother (Ella), having your fiance die in a plane crash days before you find out you are pregnant with said dead fiance's baby (Emily), etc etc etc. Ben eats up the sob story and gives Kacie B another serving of rose.

The Bachelor: Running the Chagres


I take the title for the group date from relative and author Joe Kane's Running the Amazon. Buy, read and you won't regret. Emily, Nicki Top 3, Seabiscuit, Kasey S. House Bitch and Jamie's group date is also RN Jamie's introduction to the season. Beyond a blurb about adopting and raising her siblings (take notes, Kacie B), this is the first time we have met Jamie all season. There isn't much to say except that House Bitch enjoys attention - even from aboriginal tribes.

At the after party:

• Seabiscuit is fast out of the gate. 
• HB steals the attention of Ben away from Jaime when she rocks the white bikini. 
• Emily actually talks about herself and Ben instead of obsessing over HB. 
• But ladies, the race is over for this rose and Seabiscuit lapped the field.

Blakeley v. Bangs McGee: Save the Last Dance

Blakeley wore her second onesie of the season. A woman in my office told me that it's called a "romper" but I believe they are onesies. I have a lot of them in my house. They belong to the two people under 24 months of age. Blakeley brings it on the dance floor and is willing to go the extra mile to show Ben she's interested. She made a scrapbook to show things Ben loves.

Note things Ben loves:

1. San Francisco (proper)
2. San Francisco (Giants)
3. Southern Comfort
4. Scotch
5. Wine

Not necessarily in that order. Things that Ben doesn't like?

1. Blakeley

Ouch.

Goodbye Kacie S.

All we know so far is that Kacie S. is the only girl in the house willing to be friends with HB. Oh, and Harrison just informed us she has a boyfriend she still loves. This really didn't live up to the previews hype until Ben asks her to leave . . . goes back to his balcony . . . leans over . . . COULD IT BE??? A Mesnick? A FUCKING MESNICK?!?!?

No. So damn close. Only a Flajnik. That's a Mesnik - tears. Don't worry, fans, Kacie S. provides enough tears for a handful of Mesnicks during her minivan exit.

Rose Ceremony

We are getting to the end of the season. Kacie B., Seabiscuit and Bangs McGee have roses. 3 more for the 4 women. RN Jaime painfully throws herself at Ben with the following spoken strategy: "Brace Yourself."

It was painful for the viewer. Worse for Ben. Jaime packs her bags and Nicki Top Three, HB and Emily advance to next week and Belize.