The Bachelorette Episode 2: Andi Makes Them Dance

Tonight begins with bourbon, but no ice cream.  "Why break whiskey and ice cream tradition this early in the season?" - you.  "Because I ate a big honking slice of confetti cake earlier this evening." - me.   "Why eat confetti cake?  Were you celebrating Andi's search for love?" - you.  "No, it was my favorite brother's birthday." - me  Okay, okay. It's almost midnight already.  Let's get this blog show on the road.

The episode started with Andi looking in the mirror and noting that it "just dawned" on her that she is THE Bachelorette.  What did she think was going on during the two months of Late Night Show interviews and promo photos?  It didn't "dawn" on her then that she was the Bachelorette?  C'mon Andi.  You're making attorneys and DA's look bad.

Date #1: Dora (Eric)

A co-worker suggested that we give Eric the nickname Dora.  It's respectful and it makes sense.

The date started off with Andi proving that she knows how to drive.  It seems like the first date always includes a driving scene.  While driving, Dora Eric shared that he had camped with a witch doctor and rode a motorcycle half way across Africa, but when they arrived at their date, this exchange happened:

"What is this place called?" - Dora
"It's called the beach." - Andi

Dora, please put a little of that world-traveler common sense to good use.

Belgium

After a brief stay on the beach showing off a six pack that you can't get at BevMo, a helicopter picked them up on the beach and took them SNOWBOARDING a mere twenty minutes away.  Dr. Dre and 2Pac knew what they were talking about in that California Love song.  

They met up with professional snowboarder and basically just totally rad bro Louie Vito for some snowboard lessons.  Normally I would think a professional explorer might be a little intimidated by an Olympic athlete, but then I noticed that Louie reminded me of someone:

Wee Man or Louie?

I checked Wikipedia to see if I was on the right track.  

Louis "Louie" Vito

Personal information
Born	March 20, 1988 (age 26) Columbus, Ohio, U.S.
Residence	Sandy, Utah,[1] U.S.
Height	5 feet 5 inches
Weight	140 pounds
Website	http://www.louievito.com

During the evening portion of the date, Dora told a story of how he was accused of being a spy in Syria, sent a text message to his parents saying he might die, and then survived to tell the tale.  Okay Andi, your turn to tell a story about being a gang prosecutor.  We're waiting.  C'mon Andi.  Tell ONE story!  Just one.  

At the end of the date, Dora got a rose and was nearly ready to "throw out the 'L' word."  Let's just pump the brakes on that one.  

Group Date: Coach Brian, Opera Man Bradley, Famous Amos Marquel, Craig Lush, Paul Mitchell Brett, Frat Bro 2 Patrick, Albino Rhino, Josh Griffey Jr., Ron Carew, Tasos Tacos, Marcus Gosling, Ty Webb Nick S., Fire Marshal Carl, and Dylan

The date started with the guys hooting and hollering when they saw Andi.  Two guys have the nickname "Frat Bro," but we might have to rename all of them Frat Bro 1 through 19.

Fortunately, the date took them to their natural element, a very classy male exotic dance studio.  I would bet the rest of my whiskey that the Albino Rhino has danced for money in real life.

Fire Marshal Carl was in the group of guys that had to dress up like firefighters.  Fleiss and Co. really know how to script it.   Poor Carl is going to have to face his real life firefighter co-workers back home. But don't lose faith Carl.  Firefighters have a good history on this show.

 

Marcus Gosling had my favorite interaction of the night.  "Should I just wear my own underwear?"  "No," said the male stripper consultant, "you should wear the speedo."    The Gos claimed to be nervous for his dance, but came out like a Miley Cyrus backup dancer.  

Chris B. Harrison, host extraordinaire, showed that he can not only expertly host ABC's search for true love, but can also deftly handle the duties associated with male strip club emcee.  

At the end of the stripping, Andi said what we all we're thinking (and some of us were blogging about), "it seems some of them have done this before." Cue: Albino Rhino's intro music:

In the evening portion of the date, there were some highlights:

Andi noted that Coach Brian is really passionate about his job as a teacher, so he was understandably nervous about stripping.  

Josh Griffey Jr, the former professional baseball player with GQ looks, said he lacks confidence.  You're not fooling Andi with that act because she "knows her way around athletes."  

Shortly after Opera Man Bradley's Italian solo, Craig Lush had his chance to impress.  The first words out of Craig's mouth were "What's your worst thing about your parents?"   (I went back and watched to get the exact grammar of the quote).  He might be drunk.  

After running around the house naked, Andi (or Fleiss and Co.?) sent Craig Lush to bed.  

The date rose went to Marcus Gosling.  He seems like he will be in the Top 3.  

Solo Date #2: John Deere Chris

Before we start John Deere's date recap, could someone explain to me what happened with Coach Brian's progressively worsening black eye?  I must not have been paying attention when his wound got mentioned.

For their horse race date, Andi dressed up in 40s glam style.  Good thing John Deere wore his pink henley.  Oh don't worry, Fleiss and Co. had John Deere covered.  They must have had a Vineyard Vines stylist on standby.

John Deere's date was going well, until he got sweaty and confessed that he once proposed to a girl when he was younger.  Andi said she didn't have a problem with it.  We'll see about that.  

John Deere got the rose.  Roses for everyone!

Andi had one more surprise: a private concert from a band called This Wild Life.  According to google (it's a search engine), they haven't even released an album yet.  

Rose Ceremony

Craig Lush was apparently still on the show (I thought he had gotten kicked off).  He sang a song and maybe saved his hide. 

Frat Bro 1 Andrew made his first appearance of the night, noting that it's crazy that some people  "are going to have to go home tonight."  Bad news Brah, it's probably going to be you.  

In addition to Dora, Gosling, and John Deere, roses went to:

Ron Carew

Dylan

JJ Dockers

Famous Amos

Frat Bro 1 Andrew (I take back what I said two sentences above)

Tasos Tacos

Josh Griffey Jr.

Albino Rhino (thanks Fleiss and Co.)

Nick B. Hans

Frat Bro 2 Patrick

Coach Brian

Paul Mitchell Brett

Opera Man Bradley (I think he could be a serial killer)

Goodbye Fire Marshal Carl (a Ft. Lauderdale favorite), Ty Webb Nick (a hairline favorite), and Craig Lush.

Until next week, with TWO full episodes over TWO full nights with Boyz TWO Men and TWO times the tears.  

The Bachelorette: Dorfman's Last Dance

It's great to be back, but first a recommendation. Fans of WWT and The Bachelor/ette: read the bios. It’s great material. We have professional athletes, soccer players, Drake fans, ambiguously straight bros and a black Jewish guy. The most interesting jobs include a pantsapreneur, helicopter pilot, bartender, wedding coordinator. I want to see a WWF steel cage match between the helicopter pilot, bartender and wedding coordinator against Harrison, Fleiss and Neil Lane. What would that look like? I will satisfy that curiosity, friends.

Macho Man Fleiss would end this fight in one round if Andi didn't take care of 2/3 of the Bachelor Tag Team on her own. For the love of Rod Carew, let’s get started!

Andi's Atlanta

Fleiss and Co are keeping up the charade that Ms. Dorfman is some crime fighting badass. Ms. Dorfman was admitted to the Georgia Bar on November 5, 2012. Filming for JP's season began September 17, 2013. With a hat tip to Wags, I'd venture that Ms. Dorfman practiced as much law as the dental student Ashley fixed teeth.

Regardless, her name is Dorfman and her father may be the actual Dorfman. 

Disprove:

Let's Meet the Bros

This season is going to be pretty brotastic. There are many questions but none more important than this: Will Neil Lane get his bachelor groove back? Let's buckle up, enjoy the ride, and pray for Neil.

Limo #1

• We have nervous Marcus from Canada, the sports medicine managing Canadian. He will be known moving forward as "Gosling"
• Chris the Iowa farmer, now known as "John Deere"
• JJ, the pantsaprenuer who enjoys the movie "Wet Hot American Summer," a Dugan favorite, "Dockers"
• Marquel, the California cookie man, "Famous Amos"
• Tasos, the Denver wedding coordinator, "Tacos"

 Limo #2

• Cody, a Chicago personal trainer pushed the limo, popped the collar on his jacket and became "The Albino Rhino"
• Steven is "Snowboard Steve." Steve, your nickname sucks which usually doesn't bode well.
• Rudie, aka "Attorney Rudie" (see above) tried some “fun attorney humor” out of the limo. THERE IS NO SUCH THING. 

• Carl is a firefighter from South Florida and a Dugan favorite simply for those two reasons.
• Jason is a doctor in the mold of Domer Dr. Larry from the last Bachelorette season. We'll call him "Ace" and hope to meet "Gary" later.

Limo #3

• Nick B. has 10 siblings, gets the first impression rose in an upset and is "Hans"
• Note: If you have watched the movie Frozen 1232 times like I have, you understand why this name is funny and fits.
• Dylan is a 26 year old accountant from Mass and a Mrs. Dugan pick to go far (along with Carl)
• Patrick plays soccer and is "Frat Bro 2"
• Emil. Oh, Emil. I have a client named Emil. He pronounces his name “Eh meal.” It's simple. People don't mess it up. Our friend Emil on the Bachelor pronounces it "Anal" but with an "M." We'll call him "Anal" with an "N."
• Brett comes out of the limo with a lamp and I immediately lost interest. He's a hairstylist and in honor of Vidal Sassoon from last season will be named "Paul Mitchell"

Limo 4

• Craig comes out popping bottles and you have to like that
• Ron's a black guy from Israel so he's "Rod Carew"
• Bradley's an opera singer...well, this one's easy. "Opera Man"

• Josh B is a Denver telemarketer and should be sent home immediately just for being that. There should be a first impression rose and a first elimination carnation. He's excited, we aren't.

Golf Cart #1

• Nick S. is a pro golfer from Florida nka "Ty Webb"

Limo #5

• Brian's a Pennsylvania basketball coach. Oh, do you coach the Sixers? No. St. Joe's? No. Temple? No. UPenn? No. La Salle? No. Villanova? No. Wait, really? Can you say that you are a "Coach" if its at the elementary school level? Wouldn't saying "teacher" be better? 

Regardless, a great nickname can get you far, "Coach"

• Andrew pulled the "Andrew and Andi" cute card, I gagged and will call him "Frat Bro 1"
• Mike has long hair and people call him "Camps.” I call him "Gary" as he belongs with Ace. 
• Eric gives Andi some "Andes" mountain dolls
• Josh M is a former pro baseball player that now lives in Atlanta

Cocktail Hour Highlights

There was not much time shown between Andi and the guys so we will have to hit the highlights:

• Josh M is her type but she has to find out if he's there for the right reasons. Man, that didn't take long.
• Fantastic editing by Fleiss & Co. when Andi leads with "maybe my type's gonna change" and they cut to the next scene with Andi and Famous Amos sitting together.
• Famous Amos also gave her a black and white cookie and he's my favorite person on the show by far.
• Chris B from Emily's season tried to show up and Andi shuts him down. No appeals would be heard. It was a big time blow to the face. Where? IN DA FACE.

• Opera Man sings (you don't say?)
• Frat Bro 1 and Frat Bro 2 realize they have a ton in common and are really into each other
• Despite what she says, John Deere is going to have an uphill battle convincing Dorfman into the rural life
• Gosling drops a line of Polish and German, disclaims any proficiency but gets a "he's so worldly" from Andi.
• In the upset, Hans gets the first impression rose and we'll have to keep our eyes out for the False Protagonist turn sure to come later in the season

It’s Rose Time and Hans is Safe

1. Dockers
2. Eric
3. Famous Amos
4. Champagne Craig
5. Tacos
6. Josh
7. Coach
8. Opera Man
9. Gosling
10. Frat Bro 1
11. Rod Carew
12. Firefighter Carl
13. John Deere
14. Dylan 
15. Paul Mitchell
16. Frat Bro 2
17. The Albino Rhino
18. Ty Webb

The Cut List

1. Attorney Rudie
2. Anal
3. Snowboard Steve
4. Ace 
5. Gary
6. Josh B

Ace wants to know if something could have changed his chances? Mrs. Dugan and I tried to count what could have changed his luck.

1. Don't wear an awful tie - the only way you could get away with that color is if you were standing up and the bridesmaids had that color
2. Cut your hair. You are in your later 30s. No excuses, Dr.
3. Change your personality. Admittedly more difficult, but would have helped.
4. And the fact you probably don’t like women

So long Ace and Gary....we hardly knew ya.