The Bachelorette Episode 2: JoJo and the Meats

Tonight presents commitment challenges.  Warriors game 7.  First Bachelorette post.  Sharks game 1. So You Think You Can Dance season premiere.  What is this fan of sports, the arts, and true love to do?  The answer: ice cream and whiskey!!!

My pick for the next pro sport Bachelor younger sibling:

Better family than the Rodgerses

I am especially enthusiastic about this season of the Bachelorette.  With possibly the most likable Bachelorette ever and some of the best nicknamed contestants already, we are in for a fun ride on Harrison's love boat.

The episode started off back at the bachelor house.  Chad the TURD started it off with a toast:

"To a beautiful girl.  A wonderful life.  F You all I'm going to make her my wife."  

Group Date: Cool Hand Luke, Firefighter Grant, Jersey Will, ED Evan, Damn Daniel, Vinny Barbarino, Aladdin Ali, Jim-Gym, All 4 Wells, and Robby.

Before JoJo arrived, Fleiss and Co. lit a limo on fire with some dynamite outside the mansion.  The men ran outside, and no one made a move to even find a hose.  The woman that might possibly be their future wife may have been burning, and no one did anything.  ED Evan remarked, "It's hot."  Firefighter Grant fought no fires.  Thankfully, the show will go on because it was just a stunt.  JoJo arrived on a fire truck and put out the fire.  

The first stop on the date was to the Fire Academy.  Poor Firefighter Grant.  This would be similar to Mrs. Dugan or Mrs. Wags taking us on a romantic trip back to the law library.  

Poor Radio DJ All 4Wells was not ready to take the physical challenge.  When Dugan and I had a radio show together in college (truth), we would have also needed oxygen if we had to compete in firefighter drills.

Back at the house, most of the men were singing songs about JoJo led by Sweet Baby James.  Mrs. Wags makes another great observation: "These guys are like a college acapella group."  Spot on.  TURD did not participate in the singing because he was busy eating a steak.  No joke.  

Thankfully (for his career, pride, and dignity) Firefighter Grant won the challenge.  Good for him.  (Firefighter Grant is my sneaky pick for the next Bachelor.)  

In the evening portion, JoJo started to like All 4 Wells, but I fell in LOVE with him.  A Radio DJ with a sense of humor and a bloodhound named "Carl?"   He's my favorite.  

Cool Hand Luke, in his first interaction with JoJo, explained that his last relationship was in 2013.  He is also ready to be vulnerable and open up.  This guy studied his Bachelor-required vocabulary before going on the show.  Well done, Cool Hand.  

All 4 Wells got the date rose.  

Solo Date: Harry Potter Derek

While Derek said he looked like Harry Potter, I think he might actually look more like a cross between Jim Halpert from the office and Aaron Rodgers.  

Always playing pranks on Dwight Shrute

The date started on a plane ride to San Francisco. ABC's Bachelorette budget is officially back!  Neil Lane's diamond will be at least 9 carats this year.

They had to make choices about what to do on their date.  Visit Mr. and Mrs. Wags or go to the Golden Gate Bridge?  We lost.  

Back at the house, TURD and Damn Daniel had a bro-chat about how girls need to watch out for the "nice guys."  They also discussed what type of protein shake all the others guys would be.  They seem like really cool guys.  

During the evening portion of the date, JoJo asked about Potter's last relationship.  He got a little choked up and said he has had a hard time "opening up" since then.  Is this a real thing?  Do 28 year old guys talk like this?  (Since Mrs. Wags and I have been together since 7th grade, it's pretty impressive that I have become an expert in analyzing a dating show.)

Potter got the rose.  

Group Date #2: QB4 Jordan, Brother Daddy Christian, Saint Nick, Sweet Baby James Taylor, Marine Devito Alex, and Chad TURD.  

The group date went to ESPN.  They were excited to see "the ESPN famous logo."  

JoJo, on the ESPN set, called Steph Curry a "pretty decent player."  I now consider JoJo "a pretty mediocre bachelorette."  

The guys were ranked by Marcellus Wiley (surprising Bachelor fan) and Max Kellerman after a series of challenges.  During one of the challenges, TURD called JoJo "naggy."   The other guys called out TURD.  TURD responded with raw, aggressive honesty, stating that she is not the first attractive girl he's ever seen and he does not know anything about her yet.  JoJo seemed to forget about the naggy comment and likes the TURD.  

Wiley deliver the QOTN: "You date Jordan, you have Aaron Rodgers coming over for Thanksgiving. That's some good turkey."

The rankings went Marine Devito in third, TURD ("he's so honest") in second, and Sweet Baby in first.  

In the evening segment, Sweet Baby said that a "smile is the only way to show on the outside what's on the inside."  It was so sweet that I almost believed it.  Body odor shows what's on the inside.  How about bad breath?  After I eat garlic fries, you definitely know what's on the inside. 

TURD seems to think that he knows what she wants: "a real man that tells it like it is."  

What TURD thinks JoJo wants.

What TURD thinks the other guys are like

TURD revealed that his mom recently died, but it is all okay because "life happens," and he has a really nice Maltie-poo dog that reminds him of his mom.  He is not only 'roided-out, but he also might be a sociopath.

Thankfully, Sweet Baby got the rose.

Rose Ceremony

Before the rose ceremony, TURD had a few words and a kiss with JoJo.  The guys decided to confront TURD about his pre-rose ceremony convo with JoJo.  Marine Devito led the confrontation.  TURD laughed it off.  Marine Devito then delivered the WQOTN (Wags Quote of the Night): "This is now a house divided.  Winter is coming."  A Game of Thrones reference on the Bachelorette?!  My two favorite franchises combined.  

TURD told JoJo that he is "figureoutable."  Like Shakespeare created new words, so has TURD.

The guys once again confronted TURD, but he just walked away.  He described the confrontation like being surrounded by the Care Bears.  While he seems like a major jerk, he does make some pretty good points.  Why even engage with a guy like him?  The Care Bear Stare gets you nowhere.

Marine Devito and TURD are reaching a boiling point.

Joining All 4 Wells, Harry Potter Derek, and Sweet Baby James with roses was:

Marine Devito

Brother Daddy Christian

Bow Tie Robby

Cool Hand Luke

Chase

QB4 Jordan

Firefighter Grant

Aladdin Ali, Fabulous He, Ali Ababwa

Damn Daniel

Jim-Gym

Saint Nick

Vinny Barbarino

ED Evan (No way!)

TURD

Goodbye Superfan, Jersey Will, and Hipster.  

Until next week, with TWO episodes, and twice the TURDs.  

The Bachelorette: JoJo Trump's Search for a Running Mate

Welcome back my friends to the show that never ends...

We're so glad you could attend...

Come inside! Come inside!...

Alas, we are back and Bachelor/ette blogging again. As usual, we try to separate ourselves from the other fodder available on the interwebs, For example, what other recaps began with Emerson, Lake & Palmer lyrics? None? I didn't think so. The first episode is always a harried event for the Bachelor/ette as they are dragged from one contestant to another while trying to become comfortable with their new role as the star of the show. JoJo is going to be a fantastic Bachelorette and surely will provide a season a little edgier than Gentle Ben's previous season.

Without further adieu, let's meet the men vying for JoJo before sharing the highlights of the premier episode.

Alex, aka Marine DeVito, 25 (5’7”) is a Marine from Oceanside, CA

Ali, aka Aladdin, 27 (5’8”) is a Bartender from Santa Monica, CA

Brandon, aka Hipster, 28 (6’4”) is, coincidentally, a Hipster from California. Note – being a Hipster is not a job.

Chad, aka Tulsa Realty Developer or TURD, 28 (6’2”) is in the luxury real estate market of Tulsa, Oklahoma. Note for those following at home: the median sales price for homes in Tulsa for Feb 19 to May 18 was $102,000 based on 9 home sales.

Chase, 27 (6’3”) is a Medical Sales Rep, from Highlands Ranch Co. Bio Note. Loves Ace Ventura. Great taste, Chase.

Christian, aka Brother Daddy, 26 (5’11”) is a Telecom Consultant from LA.

Coley, 27 (6’2”), is a Real Estate Consultant from Chicago.

Derek, aka Harry Potter, 29 (6’3”), is a Commercial Banker from Fort Lauderdale.

Daniel, aka Damn Daniel, 31 (6’1”) is a Canadian from Vancouver. Note One: being Canadian is not a job. Bio Note Two Tattoos: No — “same reason you don’t put stickers on a lambo.”

Evan, aka ED Evan, 33 (5’11”) is a former pastor turned Erectile Dysfunction Specialist – Wait? Is that a career move we want people to make? - from Nashville. Bio Note that makes no sense: “Which U.S. City is the most romantic to you and why? NYC, because the restaurants all make you want to fall in love.”

Grant, aka Firefighter Grant, 29 (6’2”), is a firefighter from San Francisco.

Jake, 27 (6’1”) is a Landscape Architect from Cally.

James F., aka Jim-Gym, 34 (6’2”) is a Boxing Club Owner from Nashville.

James S., aka Superfan, 27 (6’1”), is a Bachelor Superfan. Note One. That’s not a career. Bio Note Two: What’s the closet you have every come to being married? It was to my girlfriend of seven years. We talked about a ring and family, but she couldn’t bring herself to move. Seven years? How much of that were they long distance? I need to know more about this relationship.

James Taylor, aka Sweet Baby James, 29 (6’3”) is a singer songwriter from Katy, TX.

Jonathan, aka Jackie Chan, 29 (6’1”) is a Tech Sales Rep from Vancouver.

Jordan, aka QB4, 27 (6’2”), is a former NFL QB and that is being very generous. Jordan discusses his NFL Career with three teams. Let’s mosey on over to Wikipedia: “He was signed by the Jacksonville Jaguars as an undrafted free agent after the 2013 NFL Draft.^[5] He was released on July 22, 2013.^[6] The Tampa Bay Buccaneers signed Rodgers to the team's practice squad on October 7, 2013 after releasing quarterback Josh Freeman. He remained on the practice squad for the remainder of the season as Mike Glennon became the starter and Dan Orlovsky the backup.^[7] Jordan was cut by the Buccaneers on February 10, 2014. On April 3, 2014, Rodgers was signed by the Miami Dolphins. Jordan was cut by the Dolphins on May 12, 2014.”

Luke, aka Cool Hand Luke, 31 (6’1”) is a War Veteran from Burnet, Texas.

Nick B., aka Santa, 33 (6’1”) is an Electrical Engineer from the North Pole. Bio Note. “What is your favorite magazine? Ducks Unlimited.” Huh?

Nick S., 26 (6’1”) is a Software Sales Rep from San Fran. Bio Note: What foods do you most dislike? Scary cheeses. Oh?

Peter, 26 (5’11”) is a Staffing Agency Manager from Chicago.

Robby, 27 (6’1”) is a Former Competitive Swimmer from Jacksonville, Fl. Bio Note. Is that a job?

Sal, 28 (6’2”) is an Operations Manager from Fort Lauderdale, Fl.

Vinny, aka Barbarino, 28 (6’) is a Barber from Delray, Fl. Bio Note: Meatloaf said he would “do anything for love, but he won’t do that.” What will you not do? Use turkey meat. I need more context.

Wells, aka All 4 Wells, 31 (6’) is a Radio DJ from Nashville.

Will, aka Jersey Will, 26 (6’2.5”) is a Civil Engineer, from Jersey City, NJ. Note One. Jersey City is the homebase of the Maternal Dugan family. Bio Note Two. He is the only guy to use a half inch. 6’2” is tall enough that the .5 inch seems very awkward upon which to insist. Bio Note Three – especially for the Hildbolds. Do you like to go out dancing? If yes, what is your preferred type of dancing? Yes, my go to move is called “Bernie-ing.” It is loosely based on the 80’s classic “Weekend at Bernie’s.”

Name Concerns Unfounded

As our readers know, Tim and I keep getting older but the contestants on the Bachelor/ette stay the same age. ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT! 

We are the Wooderson of Bachelor Bloggers

Nevertheless, I had a point to make. Are these guys millennials? I was worried about the guys actual names expecting the Deemers, Hamptons, Coltons of the world? There are people in this world that name their kids as such. See link. I was surprised to see the relative normalcy of the names. Hat tip to Chase, Coley and Wells…but most are respectable names. Professions? That’s another story.

JoJo's Backstory 

JoJo explains the days and weeks following the breakup with Ben were difficult. I’m guessing days is more accurate. Former Bachelorettes Dez, Caitlyn and Ally show up to lend advice. The most interesting parts of the show are when honesty creeps into this scripted mess. Ally was honest and admitted she fell for Roberto's looks and didn't concentrate on much else. The girls warned JoJo to look for love and not lust.

Pre-Limo Intro and Pun Time

Dugan is a sucker for puns and Fleiss & Co. never disappoint. The cheesier the better. Firefighter Grant is shown with the ubiquitous Coit Tower shot explaining "I’m hoping that JoJo’s the one that lights my fire.”

QB4 is ready to make love a priority and "I’m hoping I’m gonna be JoJo’s #1 draft pick." 

ED Evan helps guys get their member moving but he's going to be just fine because "I've got my mojo for JoJo." 

That was a pun time.

First Night Highlights

• Marine DeVito lives up to his Napoleon roots and grabs her first for some one-on-one time and push-ups.
• Harry Potter explains how he used to look like...you guessed it, Harry Potter.
• Mrs. Dugan calls QB4 as the next Bachelor.
• QB4's use of "retire" is similar to his use of "career." Generous.
• Jersey Will uses an origami fortune teller to gain an awkward kiss but I am saving Jersey Will as a dark horse pick to go far, 
• A personal favorite of my episode was Santa nonchalantly talking to Aladdin. What doesn't this show bring its viewers?
• Turd is the bad guy. We get it.
• Damn Daniel poked ED Evan in the belly button. Why?
• Nick and Barbarino drank too much and interrupted JoJo giving interviews to producers.
• Everyone is getting drunk and leading to great interactions: "Cheers to you Bro” “Cheers to Rock n Roll”

First Impression and the Rose Ceremony

QB4 avoids the pressure and escapes with the first rose of the night. Joining him in week two...

Cool Hand Luke

All 4 Wells

Sweet Baby James

Firefighter Grant

Harry Potter

Brother Daddy 

Turd

Chase

Marine DeVito

Robby

Hipster 

Jim-Gym

Aladdin

Santa

Barbarino

Jersey Will 

Superfan 

ED Evan

Damn Daniel

Goodbye Jackie Chan, Coley, Peter, Jake, Nick S., and Sal.

As before, the usual caveats apply. The nicknames are not set in stone and I welcome suggested revisions. 

Come inside, the show's about to start

guaranteed to blow your head apart

Rest assured you'll get your money's worth

The greatest show in Heaven, Hell or Earth.

You've got to see the show, it's a dynamo.

You've got to see the show, it's rock and roll ....

The Bachelor Finale: Two Months Late

I will never write this finale recap in a proper form, so I present to you, my unedited notes from when I watched the show.  Now our loyal fans get to see how the sausage is made...

Will he choose Lauren, or JoJo, or Neil

3 hours.  Jesus H.

Lb big favorite in the crowd.

Neil Lane is in the house!!!!  And so is Ben's pastor.

These ladies wear some small jean shorts. It's like an 80s Rock video.  But the shirts look like a renaissance faire

So many solo videos.

Most indecisive finale ever.

Ben's mom's facial expressions are the best.

lb meets ben's parents.
You have to be a moron to go on this show.  Like a real idiot. Low iq
Ben's mom referenced the "last show"
Ben is "seemingly perfect". Oh boy.
Lb holding hands. Never held my in laws hands, and I've known them for 19 years
Ben obviously wants to be an actor

Jojo meets the parents
Describing their date on Vegas.  And a helicopter ride
Is she more genuine?  She just seems smarter.
Jojo is front runner

Dad says jojo considers Ben her best friend.

Sneaky religious talk.

Ben's pastor just sits there reading the bible.

Last Date Lb
Always on a catamaran.
Haven't been tested with Lauren.
Not a lot of reciprocation from Ben
"No matter what happens, you've made me a better person"

Last date trump
Seems way more into her
Best rship trump has ever been in
Very non commital
Feeling so much happiness and fear.
Ben confessed to telling lb he loves her.  Good call.

Neil lane!!
Introduces himself
Ben still doesn't know. Neil is shocked and appalled.  Even Neil can't handle this bullshit.
Hope diamond
The ring offered clarity. "I know who it is."
One big Kay advertisement.

No limos in Jamaica. Only helicopters.

Trump was first out of the helicopter

Thought she was going to pass out.
I had it all wrong

Difficult to put on a suit with a wireless microphone pack in the rear end

Phone call to mr bushnell to ask permission. Wish he was calling Juan Pablo. Or pavelka.