The Bachelor Finale: The Finn Finale

Hey friends, we are going to end Hans’ season in Finland with a little ice skating, Santa Claus and Neil fucking Lane!

Nick's Family

Hey, it’s Nick’s family on national tv again. Remember this is their third appearance on the Fleiss franchise. While the shoe is on the other foot this season, the family is still concerned about the Hans’ heartbreak.

That’s So Raven

Look, we all know that Raven’s the underdog and Fleiss & Co are going to inject enough drama into the finale as possible. We begin with the Raven-Bella connection. I assume that Raven is much closer to Bella’s age than Hans, but don’t feel like doing the math. Even on pi day.

My favorite part of Raven’s visit with the family? Hans’ mom cannot imagine Raven hurting somebody.

Flashback: Earlier this season, Raven admitted to stabbing an ex with a stiletto mid copulation.

Special Ed Vanessa

The meeting with the family was interesting. Vanessa flipped the script and put the family on its heels. Vanessa also expressed a lack of interest in getting engaged and concerns about moving from Montreal.

Dad talks the options over with Hans. He thinks Vanessa is more of the same. Vanessa is obviously Hans’ type, but is she the right choice.

Hans has a type?

The Final Date Highlights

• Mrs. Dugan hates horseback riding. The frigid temps did not make it appears more fun. But did you see Santa Claus popping out behind the Christmas trees? Reminds me of the greatest holiday special since the epic Star Wars performance.

Santa Claus wants some lovin.

• Vanessa still doesn’t understand the limitations of the show. Hans puts on his best Nick Saban imitation and respects the Fleiss & Co process. 
• Hans and Raven ice skated and played with puppies. 
• Raven is taking the positive approach to Vanessa’s confrontational attitude.

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NEIL IN FINLAND!

It’s ring and rose time. And first up, we have Raven which is never a good sign. She is cut but holds up very well. My favorite part is after breaking her heart, Fleiss & Co. send Raven packing in the snow without her jacket.

Vanessa walks in and tells Harrison “I’m nervous.”

Harrison: “You should be.”

What the hell Harrison? Never mind the Harrison sidestep, Vanessa secures the final rose after placing her jacket over Raven’s.

The Bachelor Episode 10: Finnish Fantasy

Whiskey and ice cream for me tonight.   I'm as predictable as one of the contestants accepting an invitation to the fantasy suite.  My whiskey is as neat as Harrison's handwriting on a date card.  My ice cream is as cold as a March day in Finland.  

On the Bachelor, fantasy suite dates equal romance; for me, it's Mrs. Wags reading Pinterest while I recap the episode.  You should see us on Tuesday nights!

Just add the dog, and it's us tomorrow night

We resume the episode on It's So Raven's dream date in a yurt.  Everyone wants to know the answer to the big question: did Raven get there for the first time?  

Well, everyone except her POOR PARENTS.  Her dad, fresh off finding out that he's cancer-free, now has to find out on national television that his daughter did I.T. with Hans.  

Bachelorette Rachel

Rachel said being in Finland is like Narnia.  This statement clearly showed that she's a lawyer because all lawyers are big nerds deep down (and sometimes not so deep down . . . as I look at myself  in the mirror.). 

Hans got his revenge on Rachel for taking him to church.  He took her cross-country skiing.  No comment. 

The ski trip took them to a reindeer petting zoo.  Way better than the usual goats that are guaranteed to bite you.  

I don't know Santa, and I will bite you.

In the evening portion of the date, Rachel struggled to tell Hans she loves him. After Hans told her to check her ego at the door and follow her heart, she said she's falling in love.  Like Van Morrison sang, 

"She give me love, love, love, love, crazy love
She give me love, love, love, love, ego-checked-at-the-door love"

Rachel said yes to the fantasy suite.  I'm still so curious how she's going to go out.  I really hope he proposes to her and she says no.

Special Ed Vanessa

The date started off with an ice plunge followed by a sauna.  According to Hans, this is Finnish tradition.  Apparently, "firm handshakes with eye contact and no supporting gestures" are also a Finnish tradition.  The fantasy suite just got way more boring.  

Yes, I will join you in the fantasy suite.

Fleiss & Co., again trying to throw us off the scent, showed Special Ed and Hans having tough conversations about their (in)compatibility and nationalities.  We all know she's going to win, and we've known this for a long time.  

Special Ed said yes to the fantasy suite.  A little champagne, fireplace, and snuggling solves everything.  

In the morning, Special Ed said the night in the fantasy suite has given her "more of an appreciation for who Nick is."  That's an artful way to put it.  

Rose Ceremony

HARRISON IS IN FINLAND.  After being marginalized all season, Fleiss & Co. gave Harrison his due and sent him to see the Northern Lights. 

Weepy Hans gave the first rose to That's So Raven.  

The final rose went to Special Ed Vanessa (obviously).  

I feel sorry for Rachel, but not all that sorry for Bachelorette Rachel.  She's getting what she came for (and what she deserves): her own season.   

Until next week when we get the real prize: Neil mf'n LANE!!!