Wes and the Dark Side

You might wonder why that picture is above. If you look closely, you'll notice that it's a cute bird. It's pretty and blue and has neat spots. It also has one leg. If that's the first thing you noticed, you might have a girlfriend back in Texas named Laurel.

This week's Bachelorette was wildly entertaining even though we all knew exactly who was going home. All of the dates took place in Spain. Jillian, not quite looking her best, had dates with Kiptyn, Reid, and Ed. The qualities of all three of these gentlemen could make up one "Super Bachelor," but more on that later

The final date, if you can call it that was with Wes. This date was truly the pièce de résistance of the whole show. Wes arrived in Spain uninterested. He has already won this competition in his head. During his date he seemed distant and unaffectionate. At this point, every Bachelor(ette) fan knows that you must wear your heart on your sleeve. But during a deeply romantic picnic, Wes could only focus on food and feet...bird feet that is. At one point, Wes slipped and said he had a girlfriend. As Jillian started to cry, the not-so-slick waiter brought over the invitation to the fantasy suite on a silver platter. He might as well have brought a human head. As Jillian was literally crying, Wes said, "I think we should do it." Date over on the spot. Easily the worst dream date in Bachelor history.

But the fun had barely begun. At the rose ceremony sans Chris Harrison (no passport?), Wes was obviously going to lose (even though I had a slight twinge that the producers might step in one more time and give Wes one more chance). Jillian made the right choice 4 weeks late and got rid of Wes.

The time had come. Wes's inevitable limo ride. We had waited all season for this moment. AND WES DELIVERED!!! In a delightful nutshell, Wes admitted having a girlfriend, making it the furthest of any person with a girlfriend, wanting to sell records, and wanting to have lots of sex now that he's off the show. Wes finally embraced the dark side completely and turned into pure evil. This was the first episode of the season that I saved so I could rewatch all Wes-related scenes.

Here's my theory on the three remaining Bachelors. If you combined Reid's personality, Ed's wordsmith abilities, and Kiptyn's looks, Jillian would have the Super Bachelor. It's really too bad that science has not advanced far enough to make this happen. Instead, the Bachelorette with the lowest self-esteem in Bachelorette history is on the verge of a very difficult decision.

Remember everyone, loving you don't take that long. Goodbye Wes.

I'd Like You to Meet My Second Family

Welcome back Bachelorette fans! This week proved to us that, yes, love don't come easy. It was hometown date week. All of the hometown dates paled in comparison to what occurred in Austin, Texas. Before I focus my attention on Wes's date, I will Haiku the other dates.

Reid sells real estate
Just like his middle class mom
Has issues galore

Jesse has a bro

Who looks like a young Gandalf

And blew it for him

Mike has a twin bro
Jill won't fall for their twin trick
Family room dancing

Kiptyn lives in style
Sister looks like a celeb
Hot tub jokes fail

I would create a Haiku for Wes, but I need more than a 5-7-5 structure for this country bad-boy. The first aspect of Wes's date that I liked was finding out that he has two families. "Jillian, meet my band." Strangely, Jillian did not inquire if Wes's band knows any other songs. A loyal blog tipster/superfan has the answer for how you can hear the rest of his songs.

The next best part of the date was Laurel. Who's Laurel, you ask? Well, we don't actually know her, but we learned all about her from Jake. Jake had a five hour layover and a hotel room reserved in Austin (I read another blog that said Jake routinely travels through Austin for work). After briefly consulting with Tanner the moral compass, Jake laid it all out there for Jillian about Wes. This was no surprise after seeing the previews, but it was a true shocker when Jake named Wes's girlfriend by name.

Now to the best (i.e. most frustrating) part. Jake confronted Wes and Wes WON. Jillian bought Wes's excuse hook, link, and sinker. His explanation was that Laurel is his ex, but he just calls her his girlfriend still. Classic. Of course, Jillian went on to give Wes a rose. At some point, the producers can't keep driving this relationship. Jillian can only blame herself for this obvious heartbreak.

Jillian's hotel room proved to be very active place. After Jake showed up, Ed returned. You remember Ed, the guy who left the show because he was going to lose his job. Well it turned out to be a good thing that he kept that rose because he wants back in the show. Let's try a logic game to determine why Jillian kept Ed around:

If Jillian likes guys who are flakes with issues

And Ed is a flake with issues

Jillian must like Ed.

This show is too easy. All of the final contestants on the show can fit perfectly into this logic pattern.

The roses went to Wes, Reid, Kiptyn, and Ed. Jillian justified her pick of Ed by stating, "I need to meet his family...or at least talk to them on the phone." I suggest she ask last season's Bachelor Jason how well that "phone-a-family" plan worked out for him and Melissa.

Goodbye Jesse and Michael. Your wine and humor will be missed.

This Week on the Bachelorette...

It just isn't going to be the same without Tanner:

Twice as Nice

This week's Bachelorette was so good that it warrants two separate posts. Here's the witty opinions of our fair Floridian friend Dugan:



Last week, I lamented the fact that it was an unexciting episode. However, ABC pulled a Lloyd Your browser may not support display of this image.

And totally redeemed themselves. This week’s episode had it all. I don’t even know where to begin. It contained at least 3 quotes that I would argue belong in the top 10 all time. I’ll begin chronologically and let’s take it from there. As the train took off east thru Canada from Whistler and passed a modest lake, one of the men asked if it was a lake or ocean. Canada is known for its landlocked oceans. And so the dates begin.

No job Rob got the first one-on-one. Jillian gave a foreboding comment when she explained that Robby made her feel 5 to 10 years younger. Jillian fired away with questions about his maturity, job possibilities, where he could live and overall readiness. And Rob provided the first top ten quote of the night and a perfect Bachelor/Bachelorette answer: “Love doesn’t have a job.” Incredible. This quote didn’t coming from a 15 year old fighting with her parents about a deadbeat boyfriend. It came from a man trying to prove he is mature enough to win a dating show on national television – this is serious stuff. NJR is a car wreck. We can’t stop watching, though, and it gets better.

Everyone knows why the train is slowing down. NJR is getting the boot. ABC’s taking it a step further than the Sasha bus goodbye. The first ever train boot. Everyone knows but Rob. Well, Old Yeller, it’s time.

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Rob finally notices the train: “Why are we slowing down???” They should have just put him down at that moment instead of letting him suffer any longer. Micheal’s tears were touching. Everyone knows why Michael was crying – NJR was cut because he was young and immature…you could almost see the Grim Reaper behind Michael in every scene for the rest of the episode.

Wes is an asshole. But the show’s editors sure know how to splice some interviews. Wes admits he has a “hidden agenda” on the show, his singing career. Cut to Jillian: “Wes makes me feel safe, happy.” She explains to Wes that it’s so difficult on her because she thought there would be “more jerks.” Ummmm….HELLO? But contrary to what you may believe, Wes is not the most dangerous man on the show. Jake has been hard to figure out since the beginning. Until Mrs. Dugan pointed out the obvious.

There is an idea of a Jake; some kind of abstraction. But there is no real Jake: only an entity, something illusory. And though Jake can hide his cold gaze, and Jillian can shake his hand and feel flesh gripping hers and maybe she can even sense their lifestyles are probably comparable...Jake simply is not there.

Still don’t get who Jake is?

Jake lives in the American Gardens Building on W. 81st Street on the 11th floor. His name is Jake. He’s 27 years old. He believes in taking care of himself and a balanced diet and rigorous exercise routine. In the morning if his face is a little puffy he'll put on an ice pack while doing stomach crunches. He can do 1000 now.

Still no? Well, let’s just say that if Jillian went on the hometown date and Jake pulled out any Phil Collins, Huey Lewis or Whitney Houston – she would be in big fucking trouble.

Luckily, Jake sunk his own battleship. Another classic quote from Jake to Jillian: “You’re a lot like my mom. So nurturing.” Oh yeah…just what girls want to hear. Later, in an interview, Jake explains that even though Jillian and all other girls think he is an “ultra safe guy,” he has a “whole other side.” I want all readers to know that Mrs. Dugan pointed out who Jake was BEFORE this comment. After Jake readily admitted his need to engage in homicidal behavior on a massive scale, we made eye contact and prayed that Jillian would be safe.

Let’s move on to less psychotic things. The guys turned on Reid once their old punching bag Robbie was left in the Canada wilderness to be mauled by bears. They said he was annoying and neurotic, among other things. Then Reid proved his neurosis with some deep thoughts about fondue after cornering Train staff to ask how he should take things with Jillian – glasses on or off, should he open up more or play mysterious. Luckily, the Rocky Mountain Express comes with a staff willing to lend a hand and Reid took the advice and secured a rose on his one-on-one.

Jake sunk himself on the group date. Who didn’t? Front-runner Kiptyn. You get the feeling that when Jillian and Kiptyn are together, Jillian only hears Charlie Brown’s teacher sounds “wah waaaah wah waaah” and can barely wait to make out. ABC pumped in some sultry sounds and they went at it.

Kiptyn is to smooth as Tanner is to…? After Michael asks Jillian what she sleeps in, Tanner seizes on the opportunity to show an important feature. After impressing all the fellow men and Jillian, Tanner offers yet another classic quote in Bachelor history: “She knows I was blessed.” Some good ol’ foot fettish talk right when Jillian begins to get serious and Tanner secures his exit from the show.

The winery owner Jesse is still drinking beer. Noted. If he gets to Spain, will he demand Pabst at every party scene?

Rose ceremony. We know Robbie is gone. Casual dress continues as ties are only accompanying Michael (trying to be show he is mature) and Jake (no further explanation necessary). Tanner humorously, considering actions explained above, questions Michael’s maturity. Everyone gets the feeling Tanner is gone. Correctly. You will be missed.

Young break dancing, fun loving Michael v. Jake for the final rose. Dugan house is screaming to avoid Jake at all casts.

Whooooo. Sigh of relief. Mike advances. Next week won’t get ugly. Until you see previews of upcoming episodes and notice who doesn’t take no for answer. Jake is coming back.

The Bachelorette. You totally redeemed yourself.

Love Doesn't Have a Job

There were three losers this week on the Bachelorette: feet, the unemployed, and Texas. The producers of the Bachelorette are really hitting on all cylinders. Since Jillian and the gents had already traveled to Whistler, that left only one other fun Canadian activity. You guessed it, a train ride through the Canadian Rockies. (Like Liz, some of you may have been educated this week when you uttered, "there are Rocky Mountains in Canada?")

The train was great. I have personally ridden across the United States on Amtrak (through the American Rockies). But my family slept in our seats, not in a sleeping car. We were not even close to Jillian's own personal Darjeeling Limited.

The first date went to the Bartender Robbie. BUT WAIT. We quickly found out he makes a mean drink but is actually unemployed. Robbie's employment status did provide for the line of the night though. Like a love philosopher, Robbie uttered "Love doesn't have a job." I think the train started to come to a halt about 8.16 seconds after Robbie waxed poetic on love. Not since Sasha's famous bus exit have we had such a thorough dumping. Sorry Robbie, you're going to have to snowshoe your way home to Texas as the other chumps wave goodbye to you.

The group date was next. Fortunately, there were still 7 pairs of snowshoes left after Robbie borrowed a pair. Could this be the worst date ever? Hide and seek while snowshoeing? Having to talk to Commercial Pilot Jake? Getting a foot rub from a freak? Seeing the freak's giant package (those are Jillian's words, not mine)? My favorite part was definitely seeing Reid back at the train talking to all of the conductors. That looked like fun. Canadians seem really nice and quite helpful, eh? And I definitely agree with the choice to ditch the glasses. Back at the date, Kiptyn was busy getting the date rose. He has a 12 pack so he clearly deserved the rose (and I'm not talking about a case of Labatts Blue).

Finally, it was Reid's chance to show off his overly-styled hair and abundance of psychological issues. I actually like the guy quite a bit. His best line was when he said he usually dates blondes. Nice work trying to get the upper hand in the relationship. Reid also showed his OCD side when he deeply analyzed his aversion to fondue. Most impressively, Reid went snowboarding for the first time. Every snowboarder remembers his or her first time. Ouch! Reid probably couldn't walk the day after that date.

We had some inside information coming out of Pennsylvania via Florida that Reid was bitter about the Bachelorette after it was over. I officially call shenanigans. After tonight's date, Liz and I both think Reid is Top 2. I think he may even win the thing. His anti-Bachelorette rumor milling is a ruse. Mark my words.

Wes kept himself in the limelight as usual. According to Wes, he initially came for the music, but may be falling for Jillian. Everyone I've talked to about the show seems to be in agreement that ABC has portrayed Wes as more of a villain than he actually is. We'll just have to see on his hometown date.

In the rose ceremony, Jillian got rid of two losers, the pilot and the package. She needed to have a discussion with break dance instructor Michael before making her decision. I am becoming less and less hopeful that I will hear, "Never did I think I would fall in love with a break dance instructor." He's 25. It's over after the next episode for our instructor friend.

The rest of this season looks great. We can expect some erectile disfunction, a pitiful return by Jake, and true love at the end.

Here's a world premiere for you loyal readers:

The Bad Economy Hits the Bachelorette

Last night was a sad episode of the Bachelorette. House-favorite Ed decided to go home. He chose his j-o-b over a lifetime of Canadian happiness with Jillian. Everything made sense until Ed was about to leave and he asked Jillian for one more request. "May I keep this rose?" Uhhhh...whatever Ed. Go ahead. Jillian is still going to give out the same number of roses dude. You can't control Jillian's life anymore Ed. You're dead to us.

In more uplifting news, my Bachelorette dream may still come true. Break Dance Instructor Mike is still in the competition. Jillian appears very close to saying those thirteen special words, "I never thought I would fall in love with a break dance instructor." It's all I want for Christmas. Just say it Jillian.

Guess what I heard? Love don't come easy. But I do not know the next line of the song. Let's hear it Wes!

Let's see what guest blogger Dugan had to say about the episode:

"Hello Bachelorette Fans, Dugan's back for some more.

"I want to keep it. I don't think anyone should have it"

And with that, Ed left Canada with his rose and a job, but no Jillian. This recession knows no bounds. Devastating news as Ed (a.k.a. Tom Cavanagh) must give up the chance of love and return to filming Scrubs, Eli Stone and Trust Me. Considered a favorite in the Dugan house for the final four - this was tough news for us to hear. However, he ended it like a true 9 yr old explaining that he would not give the rose back. Breaking Jillian's heart and stealing her roses. Slick, Ed.

Joining Ed on an early visit to US Customs was Mark. Alas, all we know about Mark is that Jillian preferred him over Gaston on last week's one on one. And that Mark has been a big contributor in something to watch for the rest of this season - the casual dress of the participants at the rose ceremony. Jillian walks out to these events in Oscar gowns and we have Mark in jeans and an untucked shirt, Jesse's whatever the hell that was, Wes' giddyup outfit. However, all were trumped by Tanner's crushed velvet jacket. WINNER! I also loved Tanner in Summer Catch.
Moving on, let's talk about some of the one on ones this week. We have Breakdancer Michael on a zip line date with Jillian. Is he this year's Jesse? The fun-loving, outside of the box guy that causes the girl to overlook numerous flaws. Mrs. Dugan is convinced Michael is a live cartoon character and not a real person. I can't put my finger on which Jim Carrey character he is most like. Late in the date he was compared to a puppy. Good thing...if the bachelorette was 12. This date ended with my favorite part of this week's episode. THE RIDICULOUS HOT CHOCOLATE MUGS. They were larger than their heads. I have never seen a coffee mug that can hold the equivalent of a Super Double Big Gulp. Where does one even find something like this? I love how ABC glosses over the comedy. Please, someone send a picture.

I'll try to wrap this up as it was a rather unexciting episode if the best part was coffee mugs. Jesse had the glacier date where they decided to write their names in snow. Oops, way too difficult. Let’s just go with first letters of our names. Jesse also claims to be a wine maker but he drinks beer on every date while others are shown drinking wine. Things that make you go "hmmmmmmmm?" Perhaps he's a cork dork and ABC is providing the two buck chuck.

Reid, Kiptyn and Wes are battling it out for the teeny bopper inside Jillian. She turns to mush when they are around. In the short clip with Kiptyn, she asked him to feel her butt, saying "i like you, do you like me," sucked some face, then raved about their conversation. Wes openly discussed his new album coming out. I was on the edge of my seat hoping he would blurt out "It drops the 3rd week of June, Ya'll." No such luck. Bartender Robby got crushed by his fellow suitors. They claimed he was no threat, immature, drinks too much and never had a job. OUCH. Jake is truly lost without Juan. You can tell he really misses him. As do we all.

Previews looked great for next week’s episode."

The Bachelorette: "I just want to suck on some toes."

Today is another We Watch TV and Go to Movies first: DUGAN'S guest blog post. Without further ado, here are his thoughts on last night's wonderful episode of the Bachelorette:

"For those not familiar with Dugan's Bachelor/ette thoughts, my favorite part of every single episode is Chris Harrison's explanation that the last rose is just that: "Gentlemen, Jillian, this is the final rose tonight." Some episodes come and go and that remains my favorite part. Last night was different. There were a ton of great parts. Let's start with Tanner P whose foot fetish is getting out of control. After saying he has no hidden agenda or talent of any kind, he gave the line of the night, "I'm just here to suck on some toes." As for talent, I thought Tanner P did a great job opposite Skeet Ulrich in Scream so I don't know what he is talking about.

Let's move on to Juan. I now have a part that rivals (will never surpass) the Harrison line at the final rose. ABC pumps in Spanish guitar whenever Juan enters the scene. It is fucking fantastic. Also, he is gayer than a parade. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Except that he is on a dating show for a woman. His look and gestures made you question, but when he gets alone with Jillian and discusses fashion. Its over. Game. Set. Match. Now, we have a very interesting side-story. Will Juan find love in the men's bungalow? Brad and Tanner F. leaving this week must have been a blow to Juan's happiness in the man cave down from the mansion. Right now, Dugan and his TV Gal will be watching intently to see if Juan can find true love. I have my money on Jake after that western outfit looked far too natural during the Martina McBride date. Or perhaps a brand new season of the Bachelor next year. On Bravo.

Ed had a great date. Ed's date would have been stronger if he didnt ask for the rose. That's always a desperation move and doesnt come across well. Does anyone else think Ed reminds you of Ed from the TV show Ed? Confusing, I know. I may have a rooting interest because Ed doesnt look like a personal trainer.

Dave's a dick. And a "trucking contractor." Sadly, I don't think his performance will negatively affect his career. You get the feeling Jillian is actually scared to let go of him because of what he will do.

I'm afriad Dugan's post might become like a Simmons post on the NBA - not because its well written, funny, or read by anyone. But I could go write about 10 pages. We had some firsts which I will condense below:

1. The rose ceremony parties are a pretty swinging event. There were multiple shots of women besides Jillian. We always knew Chris and camera men/women were there. How big are these events? Can we attend?

2. Who the F is Mark? Have we been 3 episodes into a season knowing less about someone? I swear he was just added to the cast during this rose ceremony.

3. I loved Ed munching down food during the party. Safe with a rose, he's chowing on wings like he's at a sports bar. AWESOME move.

4. Kicking Sasha off on a bus. Great TV. But no one believes that Sasha actually rode a city bus in the middle of the night to LAX. So, picture the scene. You have producers telling Sasha, "Ok, you just got dumped for never having been dumped before. Now, we are going to make you look like a loser and have to board a bus for an exit scene." OUCH.

5. Does Wes' song have one verse? He sang it 43 times on the episode and I only heard one line."