The Bachelorette Episode 6: Bentley's Revenge

Before we dive right into the Bentley drama, a few WWT notes:

• Dugan thanks you for your patience with the late recap
• Dugan did not get around to watching last week's episode, but I think a week off was good for the soul
• In the words of twitter, lehhhh go.
• This blog is heavy on youtube videos this week 

Return of the Mack

Bentley is still weighing on Ashley's mind as the episode opens. Harrison knows he has to do something to move Ashley and this season along as the Dental student explains, "part of my heart is still with Bentley in the United States."

Only Bentley isn't in the United States, Fleiss & Co. have flown the Mack to the Conrad Hotel* in Hong Kong for some closure with Ashley. Ashley explains her feelings linger because Bentley ended things with "dot...dot...dot..." 

*Which one of these is not like the other?  I'm looking at you, Hoosier State.

Harrison needs to put an end to the roadblock that is Bentley.

If you grew up in the 80's, I hope you feel where Dugan is going with this. But Ashley's reaction when hearing Bentley was in the hotel was AWESOME. Ashley needed a moment. The Dental Student put her hand to her chest. She was literally verklempt.

Harrison hands Ashley a card with Bentley's room number on it . . . 4315. Ashley stares at the card and longingly in the distance as if hearkening back to another 80's tradition: the training montage.

I promise this is my last 80's comment of the blog this week, but is Ashley wearing shoulder pads? Ashley doesn't know where to begin and it's getting awkward to watch. Ashley says something about the dot...dot...dot. Then, she says that Bentley should be a man and give her a period. What??? I am way confused. Despite Dugan's confusion, Ashley gets her period.

Lucas Oil's One on One

Lucas begins the date admitting he's never been to New York, doesn't travel much and likes to fish. *Dugan's thinking this looks like a one-on-one date with no rose in its future. After enjoying the neon and street food, Lucas Oil and the Dentist go sailing

Lucas offers up the Dugan "Quote of the Night" in response to Ashley's poignant question whether she is the type of girl he regularly dates: "NO! You're confidant." These little, hysterical revelations are what keeps Dugan coming back for more Fleiss & Co. Don't worry, Lucas Oil drops some more gems and his unintentional comedy should garner him some more one on one time.

When asked to accept the rose, the country bumpkin blurted, "Yes ma’am, I will.” He could have said "golly gee willikers" for all I care. Next, Lucas commits a fatal flaw asking for a kiss, then following it with "do you mind." *Dugan doesn't often offer love advice, but asking for the kiss is 6th grade material.* However, Lucas Oil strikes black gold and gets the rose.

Bare Midriff Boat Racing  

It's no Fisher Hall Regatta but the Group Date is split into three groups with Greek Groban and the Winemaker taking on The Only Dentist on the Show and Solar Vienna taking on El Douche and Chef Mickey. The Bachelorette turns Amazing Race as the men must also roam Hong Kong for volunteers to join their dragon boats. While generally uninteresting, I did enjoy Winemaker Ben and Greek Groban recruiting women and admitting while losing that they are "getting smoked . . . like salmon." El Douhe and Mickey win the race. El Douche and Winemaker snag some face time and kissy face at the After Party while Solar Vienna is "easy to get along with . . . in small doses." While Solar Vienna's cheeseball antics are grinding on the rest of the guys, Greek Groban puts it simply: “Some people like cheese in a can.”

Cupcake's Zodiac Park Dinner

Nothing to see here, this date sounds totally normal. Ashley clearly likes Cupcake and feels compelled to come clean with the Return of the Mack (see above). Cupcake understands, secures a rose, and appears a lock to be in the finale.

Cocktail Party Time

Do you know when you rehearse something in your head and once you say it, it comes out totally different than what you planned/hoped/rehearsed? See the Cocktail Party from Episode 6 for a prime example. Ashley was so excited to tell all the guys about how she is finally over Bentley and ready to move forward with them. However, her grand plan went something like this:

 The guys feel jilted. Greek Groban, Lucas Oil and the Dentist are visibly and audibly upset. Ashley learns that honesty is not the best policy when on a dating reality show. Luckily, Solar Vienna and Cupcake have the Dental Student’s back. Lucas Oil puts it pretty bluntly: "She's wasting my fucking time.” Ok then. Mickey, however, is a man of action and not just talk. Chef Mickey leaves the show and crying Ashley needs to sit down with Harrison.

Rose Ceremony

Lucas Oil, Solar Vienna and Cupcake are safe.

3 roses for four men.

Winemaker Ben

Greek Groban

El Douche dismisses the Dentist for “the final rose tonight.”

Time to tie one on in Taiwan. Boom. Wags is up.

The Bachelorette Episode 5: Who Has Two Thumbs and Loves to Hate this Show?

So tonight is a new experiment for me: writing the weekly summary after a couple (few) glasses of wine. Let's see where this goes.

So the episode started off with Kim announcing that she's engaged to Kris, and Khloe is angry. Oh wait, I accidentally started Keeping Up With The Kardashians. Damn DVR.

The Bachelorette started off with Tour Guide El Douche explaining the romantic monk-infested city of Chiang Mai. Everyone seems to agree that it is the perfect place to fall in love. I've always felt the same way. Nothing is more romantic than monks in saffron colored robes.

They cut to Ashley in a mini-skirt, talking about how she thinks she might get her "happy ending" in Thailand. I'm now realizing the wine was a bad idea. I can't stop laughing about the happy ending. GROW UP TIM. Pull yourself together.

One-on-One #1: Sonoma Ben

Sonoma Ben and Ashley started their date with a ride in a taxi that looked quite similar to Urkel's car from Family Matters. Hopefully Sonoma Ben can channel Stefan Urquelle for his date. The Urkel Mobile dropped them off in a market with street food. After trying one serving of Pad Thai, they headed over to an umbrella factory. Ashley is becoming more and more attracted to Sonoma Ben. Wait until you try his Pinot.

They were ready to have a romantic kiss, but they apparently are not allowed to kiss near a temple. They shared a "mental kiss." I took a quick poll of WWT readers and found that 10 out of 10 readers think mental kisses are dumb.

Ashley personally organized a romantic dinner for Sonoma Ben. He said he was really impressed with the intricate flowers and candles. I'm calling BS. The date progressed with Sonoma Ben talking about his wine lifestyle and his day-to-day during the harvest season. Sonoma Ben just locked up a hometown date. Then Sonoma Ben just continued dominating this date by talking about his deceased father and then how he envisions his day-to-day life just sitting in the vineyards with his friends and Ashley. He got a rose and might be helping Ashley get over Bentley (even though he kind of has a similar name).

Group Date: Greek Groban, El Douche, Nick, The Only Dentist, Lucas Oil, Solar Ryan, Cupcake, and Kissey Mickey

The date started off with Ashley warming up with some Muay Thai boxing. Bravo Fleiss & Co. It only took half an hour to see Ashley's toned abs. She's sexy, remember?

Lucas Oil informed us that he's never done Muay Thai boxing, but he has been in some "street fights." El Douche, on the other hand, has never been in a fight. C'mon El Douche, give yourself some credit. An Academic Decathalon counts as a fight.

The guys pulled up to Tienanmen Square to do some public Muay Thai fighting against each other.

Round 1: The Only Dentist vs. Lucas Oil. The guys clobbered each other with multiple face punches. The Dentist won. Ashley realized at this point that the date maybe was not a good idea. On the contrary, Fleiss & Co. think it's a very good idea.

Round 2: Kissey vs. Cupcake. Cupcake made a comeback and proved that he represents Queens while Kissey was raised out in Brooklyn. Cupcake wins.

Round 3: El Douche vs. Solar Ryan. Solar Ryan repped the West Coast well by destroying El Douche. Take that, Mathlete.

Round 4: Nick vs. Greek Groban. Their fight, while interesting, was interrupted by El Douche staring off in the distance. Ashley went to try and treat El Douche's concussion symptoms, but then remembered that she's a dentist.

El Douche had to go to the hospital wearing his hot pink ankle pads. You know what they say about Thai emergency rooms, right? Never a happy ending.

As they cut to the evening portion of the date, Ashley notes that there's a "dark cloud" over the date because El Douche was in the ER. Fortunately, El Douche evaporated the cloud by showing up. Unfortunately, El Douche's mild concussion has instantly transformed him from George to Lennie.

Lucas Oil gave Ashley a golf lesson. Somehow, their little trip down fake driving range lane was a real turn-on for Ashley. I've never thought golf was that sexy, but I have never owned my own set of clubs, so what do I know?

The rose, strangely, went to the Only Dentist. I would have bet big money that El Douche would have gotten it for his concussion.

The Dreaded Two-on-One: LL Ben and Cell Phone Bill

The date started off with a walk through a wolf farm. Who knew that wolf farms existed? Maybe I do want to go to Thailand after all. Friendly wolves all over the place just running free. Sounds like an adventurecation.

Cell Phone Bill got sneaky and reported that LL Ben was eager to get back to Match.com in the US. Ashley continues to be worried that the guys are not there for the right reasons. She was so worried that she sent LL Ben home on the spot. LL Ben said he was just joking about online dating. Who just jokes about their desire to participate in online dating? LL Ben seemed quite creepy on the way out. Probably a good thing that he's gone. You definitely can't trust the lawyers this season.

Now that LL is gone, Cell Phone Bill thinks he has the rose in the bag, but Ashley cannot find the spark with Cell Phone. Cell Phone Bill is leaving because he is a self-proclaimed "boy" who does not want to grow up. Does that sound like husband material? I don't think so. Maybe he should try writing a blog. That's a much more grown-up hobby.

For those of you counting at home, neither of the guys got a rose.

The Rose Ceremony

The cocktail hour started off in a rather pedestrian manner. Things got weird when Greek Groban said that he feels closer to the guys than he does to her. Huh? That seems weird. This statement contributes to Ashley's insecurities. She's just worried that no one is there for the right reasons. What a buzz kill. Who knew that Bentley could do so much damage in so little time? Ashley admits that she might not be able to get over him.

Chris Harrison arrived to mentally rescue Ashley. Ashley admitted that she can't stop thinking about Bentley. Dr. Chris points out that it's never going to work unless Ashley moves forward. Ashley says she's only going to move forward if she gets closure with Bentley. Chris, along with Fleiss & Co., promises to make it happen. I believe that ABC is here for the right reasons.

To go along with the Dentist and Sonoma Ben, Ashley gave roses to Greek Groban, Lucas Oil, Cupcake, El Douche, Kissey Mickey, and Solar Ryan.

Though he's in really good shape, Nick is going home. He's definitely going home because he's the only guy without a nickname.

Until next week, when Bentley returns in Hong Kong and pisses off every remaining guy.

The Bachelorette Episode IV: Four is for Fuck It.

We begin the episode with a review of the Bentley drama which will be discussed ad nauseum through the show. Harrison tells the boys to pack their bags as a change in scenery is needed. The Dental Student and her gaggle of men are heading to Phuket, Thailand for two One-on-ones and a Group Date. As for our introduction to Thailand, I cannot be the only one who thought that first women was going to give Ashley a manicure. Turns out she was the concierge and helped Ashley plan her dates during what appeared to be monsoon season in Fuck It.

Greek Groban and the Manny Pacquiao Boat Captain


After Pacquiao cancels the boat outing for Ashley and Greek Groban, this is what happened next:



Ok, full disclosure, Dugan couldn't pay attention to the discussions between Greek Groban and Ashley as it bored me to tears. I actually read this article, seriously, on the status of local drought conditions. The only redeeming part of the date is the very practical and wise advice received from this guy:

 When asked for the secret to his long marriage, Long Duck Dong told them to forgive and forget and not to try and win in the relationship. Please be aware that no platitudes offered by Fleiss & Co. will match this advice for this or any season of the show. Despite my boredom, Greek Groban thought the day was fun and Ashley said, "today was perfect." A late night ocean romp secures the Rose and you could say Greek Groban raised Ashley up.





Group Date brings a Tsunami of Help to Thailand


The rest of the men (Winemaker Ben, Cupcake, the only Dentist on the show, Mickey, Adam West, LL Ben, Nick, Lucas Oil, Cell Phone Bill and Solar Ryan try to make the world a better place sprucing up an orphanage in Thailand. The men did a great job painting and supplying the kids with much needed lacrosse nets. Solar Ryan is becoming the Vienna of this season - the frontrunner that is wearing on everyone's patience. Ashley is concerned that the guys are paying too much attention to their service work and not enough to her. This truly highlights her amazing lack of depth and self-esteem. Winemaker Ben draws a mural of an elephant and secures the rose. 


El Douche and the Dental Student


Ames starts the date with a long distance jog after Ashley waves - showing the producers are putting in the time with him. I wanted to dislike El Douche but this date rehabilitated him in Dugan's eyes. And El Douche (sorry, but the nickname stays) had the always important Dugan Quote of the night. Standing on the front of the boat, Ashley offered, "I feel like we're on the Titanic." Ames quickly responded, "Let's hope not." ZINGGGGGGGGG. Moonwalk. Moonwalk. Moonwalk. See below for Ashley's dream and Ames' nightmare.

Ames led a very cool kayaking trip and continued to rehab his image for this WWT writer. I think I was falling for Ames by the end of the date. Ashley was similarly convinced and offered Ames the rose.


Rose Ceremony Bullet Points

• West shows up for some one-on-one time late in the episode and Ashley fears she can't replace his deceased wife. Ouch - how do you answer that one? 
• Lucas Oil reveals he was previously married . . . to a woman!
• Solar Ryan as Vienna continues, and the only Dentist on the show tells him to his face
• Solar Ryan explains that he is always happy because our soldiers are overseas taking mortar shots. Solar Ryan will now be renamed Non Sequitor Ryan.
• Solar Ryan is not too happy, he's "bursting with a lot of love in his chest." Ok, sweet. Makes perfect sense.
• Greek Groban, Winemaker Ben and El Douche are safe.
• Harrison and Ashley discuss the need for an extra rose as she has only one sure-fire exit worthy man.
• And the roses go to . . .
• Lucas Oil, Solar Ryan, Cupcake, Nick, Mickey, Dentist, Cell Phone Bill and LL Ben.
• In Ashley's final ruling, West was dismissed with prejudice.

The Bachelorette Episode 3: Heartbreak is Worse than Any Illness

After a quick preview of the pain that is on the way, the show started off with "Harrison" telling the guys the schedule of the episode. (I got a little jealous when they called him by his last name...I feel like our blog's relationship with @chrisbharrison goes back way further than these guys)

1st one-on-one date: LL Ben

The date started off with some more dancing. Needless to say, the date started off with a practice session to get ready for a flash mob. Because Ashley is a dancer, right??? Force it on me Fleiss. I'm ready.

The date progressed to the "flash mob" in a public park. They keep talking about a flash mob like we've all heard of it. I know what a sideshow is. I know what ghost riding the whip is. Never really heard of a flash mob though. It was supposed to be a prank on strangers, but it turned out to be a prank on LL Ben. After being "flashed" LL Ben realized that Ashley could be the one. He also said that this was the most amazing first date ever. LL Ben is doing a terrible disservice to lawyers by furthering our reputation as liars.

LL Ben, in a wrinkle-free pink shirt, used the word emoticon in conversation. I heard AIM was a client of his down in Louisiana.

LL Ben got a rose, but I predict he won't last much longer.

Group Date: El Douche, Sonoma Ben, Dentist Blake, Batman, Lucas Oil, Nick, Cell Phone Bill, Bentley, and Chicago Chris

Before the group date started, the Phantom of the Opera music hinted that Batman wanted to take off his mask and show the real Jeff. I was shaking with excitement to see what was underneath the mask. Turns out it's just an old dude with crazy eyes.

The date was at LA's famous comedy store. ABC set up Ashley to get roasted with the help of Jeff Ross. Only Solar Ryan seems to get that there is a line that shouldn't be crossed in this thing.

Lucas Oil started off okay with a joke about El Douche's forehead. Solar Ryan bombed. Dentist Blake did a great job. Batman, thinking he was funny, started by ripping on her flat chest...OUCH. But I forgive Batman because Ashley's a dancer, remember?

Cell Phone Bill, having previously professed his desire to leave the cell phone biz for comedy, got ruthless. He called her "used." Then he said he wished she was "Emily or Chantal." Ashley could not handle Cell Phone's roasting abilities and was reduced to tears. Cell Phone Bill stupidly commented directly on the subjects of all of Ashley's post-Womack therapy sessions.

While crying in the corner, Bentley said that he wanted to comfort her so he could "mess with her head a little" and stop her crying because "crying girls are ugly." Ashley, proving that she has the common sense of a brick, is really into Bentley because he is so genuine and comforting.

Cell Phone Bill thought he would make everything okay by offering to leave the show. Ashley sure did not protest much so Cell Phone left the building and apparently walked all the way to Compton.



The guys all got a chance to comfort Ashley. Batman said he has a 3-legged dog...clank. Chicago Chris said that he thinks she's great...brick. Solar Ryan said he's here for her and she's gorgeous...SWISH.

Ashley decided that the date was going so poorly that she wanted to continue the crappy-date theme and confront Bentley about the intelligence she has on him. Big reveal: the informant is none-other than Michelle "CEMII" Money. When confronted, Bentley blamed CEMII, pointing out that CEMII is crazy. Bentley then said he's there for her and not his miniature golf empire. This ploy worked pretty well, but Solar Ryan still took the date rose.

While Ashley was mentally preparing to head to Salt Lake City to meet Bentley's family on a hometown date, Bentley was packing his bags to go home. But wait wait wait. He needed to say goodbye to Ashley before he left.

Bentley really said this stuff:

"Heartbreak is worse than any illness."
"I wish it was Emily. Ashley is ugly."
"That's a trip dude. It's in my head. I need to go poop it out."
"I'm not feeling it for Ashley at all."
"My daughter is wondering where Daddy is, that's too tough for me."
"I started to tear up a bit. Like a little water. She consoled me."
"It's just a lot of crying. A lot of crying. It's annoying to hold a girl that's crying and crying and crying."
"I kissed her neck a bunch."
"She wrapped her legs around me. We were in a great position to start something."
"I talked to her like a girl I'm really interested in. Except I'm not into her."
"Even though I'm going home, I want to keep the dot-dot-dot there. Dot-dot-dot is better than a period."
"I'm definitely done on the Ashley front."
"Definitely the type of girl I would totally hook up with."
"Things could have turned out differently if the Bachelorette was Emily."

After this was all over, Ashley threw a Mesnick-level fit. She sobbed, sniffled, and talked to herself.



Ashley said that Bentley's exit scared her into thinking that this process might not work. Hey Ashley, I think the track record of previous Bachelor relationships should be an indication that the "process" might not work.

2nd one-on-one date: Cupcake

Cupcake showed up with flowers and his favorite muscle shirt. They had a boring at-home night. Though they didn't get to skydive, walk on the roof of the Staples Center, or eat dinner in Wolfgang Puck's kitchen, these casual pajama dates always seem to get the contestant far in the show. We will likely be seeing more of Cupcake. Cupcake got a rose and a fireplace makeout session.

Rose Ceremony Sans Cocktails

A loyal reader, co-worker, Notre Dame grad, and resident of Alameda pointed out that this Bentley situation created an interesting moral conundrum for Chris Harrison: why didn't he intervene earlier? Chris Harrison intervened in the Roslyn-hooking-up-with-a-producer scandal. So what makes Bentley non-interveneable? WWT Ombudswoman Liz answers that a lot of people aren't there for the right reasons. This is what drives the show. The ability of the Bachelorette or Bachelor to figure it out is part of the game. On the other hand, Roslyn created a liability issue. As LL Ben would point out (and what Liz actually said), Roslyn "pierced the corporate veil."

Additional roses went to Greek Groban, West, Kissy Nicky, Sonoma Ben, Dentist Blake, Nick, El Douche (nice metro military outfit douche), Lucas Oil, Cell Phone Bill

Turns out that Batman's seizures, mask, and three-legged dog didn't cut it. Also going home was Chicago Chris. If you remember from earlier in the post, these were the two clowns that couldn't properly comfort her after the Cell Phone Bill fiasco.

Until next week with elephants, caves, and man claws.

24-Hour Delay: We're Sports Fans

Ladies and Gentleman, Fans and Not-Really Fans:

The summary of last night's episode of the Bachelorette will be on a 24-hour delay because Dugan and I had other commitments last night. If you're curious why I could not get my act together, please watch Sportscenter and check which baseball game went 4 hours and 29 minutes last night.

Please be patient, and if you see either of us around today, just let us know if there were any midriff shirts.

Cheers.

As Promised: Deep, Dark Secrets of Episode 2...Continued.

Friends, Family, Countrymen, I hope you realize why this blog exists. We love the show! #Duh #Watching. But the little things are what keeps us coming back. Like Fleiss & Co. slipping in some stock footage of a private jet to make the audience think the guys are living the high life to Vegas. Check again.



So the guys clearly are getting on a Southwest plane. Shows footage of them inside the familiar blue/tan seats with other passengers. Then . . . some stock footage of an unrelated plane.