Bachelor Pad 2, Episode III: That Girl is Poison

I'll start with a confession: Liz and I are five hours behind on the show. Yes, five hours is the entire length of the first two episodes. Based on the episode three preview, I think we should not have any problem catching up.

It's good to know that not much has changed. Kirk started off the episode by announcing that "having a crazy partner might not be good." When I think about that statement more, it seems like pretty good life advice and not just good Bachelor Pad advice.

Kasey announced that he wants Jake to go home, but he won't go home because he has "alligator blood." I heard you can defeat Jake by running in a zig zag motion because he can only run straight.

Rose Challenge: Synchronized Swimming

Harrison announces that the rose challenge is synchronized swimming. "Who doesn't love synchronized swimming!?" What has two thumbs and is this guy?

The guys seem to have the early advantage because Jake was on a dancing TV show and Mike is a break dancing instructor. Who knew those useless skills might actually be useful? That's the beauty of reality television. And who says this stuff is trash?

The women started and violated the only rule of synchronized that I actually know: don't touch the bottom of the pool. They just danced in the pool and looked like clowns.

The men did a superior job. Like I said, looks like all those useless skills paid off.

Harrison said that this competition "set synchronized swimming back fifty years." Who knew that it is such a modern sport? According to the very modern Olympic coach, the break dancer and CEM II were the best.

Interlude

Before the dates started, Jake announced that everyone is "looking for a hero." Wasn't that a song? Yes, yes there was:

Kasey and Vienna then got into a fight. They seem to be in a dating relationship, but this seems more like a relationship with some violence/anger issues. I'm not a family therapist, but this is definitely a bad sitch (is that how you'd abbreviate "situation?")

The Date Portion

CEM II took the Dentist, Graham, and Kasey on her date. The date was boring. I have nothing to say about it. Some guy named Graham got a rose.

The Break Dancer took his Holly, Vienna, and Ella. They got to ride horses. Vienna was pissed to wear a helmet. I totally agree with her. Who needs a helmet when they ride a horse?

Things got emotional when the Break Dancer and Holly had a heart-to-heart about their breakup. They seem like they might be in love, but just can't get it right. Seems a little too real. Cut back to Kasey, please.

Jake made out with Erica. According to her own description, she "has great lips" that she "maintains...with injections." She's also a self-described great kisser. Paging @humblebrag.

Bret Michaels then showed up. He played "Every Rose Has Its Thorn." I was hoping for "Unskinny Bop." That one is my favorite, but it wouldn't make much sense. After perusing Poison's Wikipedia page, this song might have been fun/funny to hear live:

Kasey, I Love You

Kasey was ready to give Vienna a six-month anniversary promise ring. Vienna freaked out that it might be an engagement ring. You know you might be in the wrong relationship if...

KASEY SANG. KASEY SANG. KASEY SANG. These past seventy five minutes have been completely worth it. This calls for a trip down memory lane:

Melissa, You're Not Well

Before the rose ceremony, we were treated to twenty minutes of Melissa freaking out for no real reason. She seems to truly understand the meaning of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn." Get it? The Bachelorette has roses, but sometimes the thorns on the stems hurt more. It's a little like love. It's actually a lot like love.

So Who Goes Home?

Tonight, one guy was going home. The early favorite to go home was Jake, but Erica Duck Lips flipped the script. Jake said he would stay "with the grace of God." I think God has better things to worry about.

In what might have been the most artistic ending ever, Kasey was sent home in a Sopranos-style ending.

The show then cut over to Batman swimming in the pool in the middle of the night. Film and Television classes will undoubtedly be analyzing this Bachelor Pad ending for years to come.