The Bachelor: Sonoma Ben Vintage V (Ready to Drink After Two Hours)

Well I have a little cough going, so my more-complicated-every-week cocktail idea has taken a backseat to Mucinex. I would have preferred a Whiskey Sour.

The episode started off with a trip to mediocre-looking Vieques, Puerto Rico. It's mediocre if you hate really blue water, soft sand, and well-stocked hotel mini bars.

The big news this week is that all girls get a date. This is really important because they are all in love with Ben (and it's only episode #5). It's like they always say, "the best loves of your life usually bloom in under two weeks." Dear Abby said that. I was big on Dear Abby as a kid. Ask my brother.

Solo Date #1: Nicki the Divorcee

The date card announcing that Nicki got the date was in Spanish. Estas señoras son terribles en hablar español.

The date started out with Ben and Nicki getting a snow cone, and then it continued with them getting caught outside in a hurricane. Nicki observed that "every inch of their body and clothes got soaked." Hey Nicki, that's how rain works.

Ben loved how Nicki could go with the flow when it rained. He felt it was "really attractive" that she could handle it. How admirable that she can handle the stress of an all expenses paid vacation to Puerto Rico.

At the dinner portion of the date, Ben and Nicki discussed her previous marriage. Ben looked visibly stressed about her ex-husband. Maybe my earlier prediction about Nicki in the final three was a bit premature. But like Ben and his future fiancee's relationship, only time will tell (or maybe US Weekly will tell).

Just remembered that Nicki is a dental hygienist. This calls for a poll question:

Who has more dental talent?
	Nicki the Hygienist
	Ashley the Dental Student
Results

easypollmaker.com - get your free poll

Nicki got the rose. Maybe that answers the talent question.

Group Date: Seabiscuit, House B, Kacie B, Kendra, Rachel, Casey S., Jamie, Blakeley, Minority Redhead

Apparently, Ben and I have something in common other than our dashing hair. We both like the San Francisco Giants. Unfortunately for the ladies, this equalled a group date at a baseball stadium.

They got to do baseball drills, sprinting, lunges, batting practice, and headfirst slides. Ben said some of them "need some work." Ben's totally right: the best wife is usually the best baseball player. Rumor has it that right fielders are especially frisky.

The ladies had to play a 4-on-4 baseball game to determine who gets alone time later in the night. I know enough about baseball to know that there is no such thing as 4-on-4 baseball. Bellarmine JV baseball for life!

Unfortunately for the viewers at home, the game went into extra innings. It was not nearly as exciting as this:

The Red Team won the game. Blakeley and the Redhead cried about it. House B, quoting from the greatest Rosie O'Donnell movie of all time, said "there's no crying in baseball."

While the Blue Team had to go home in a school bus, the winners got whisked away to a tropical paradise dinner. The weird part was that they all had to wear catcher's gear to the romanticdinner (that didn't really happen, but it would've been a lot cooler if it did).

After some high quality alone time, Kacie B. got the group date rose. Seemed like a good choice. She would definitely look the best in catcher's gear.

After feeling jealous of Kacie B., House B. took Ben to the ocean for some skinny-dipping. Strangely, they showed them getting naked in the episode previews, but not the episode itself. Did they use body-doubles for the previews? I wouldn't put it past Fleiss & Co., Harrison, or Neil Lane.

Solo Date #2: Elyse

Before Elyse even started the date, she started crying about how she might be going home. This seems like a defeatist attitude.

Elyse, though admittedly young, has done everything in life that she wants to accomplish: "go to undergrad, get a master's degree, and live in Florida." There's something to be said for setting attainable goals.

Elyse gave up her job and missed her best friend's wedding to come on the show. Hope NOT making the top ten was worth it.

Huh? What happened? Who's there? I think I just fell asleep with my eyes open. Elyse is so boring. Ben agreed and sent Elyse packing. Liz pointed out that our sleeping dog was more entertaining than Elyse.

I just said to Liz, "I hope she has to go home in a life boat." ASK AND YOU SHALL RECEIVE. Fleiss and Co. arranged a dingy to take her away. Don't hit a walrus on the way out!

Ben dropped the rose in the ocean, pouring out one for his mermaid homeys.

Illegal Solo Date #3: Now We Skinny Dip

Looks like House B. was just teasing Ben earlier about the skinny dipping. She made good on her promise and waited for Ben by his doorstep. Ben, once again saying that this is a bad idea, went against his better judgment. As House B. said, "maybe he'll want to skinny dip with a model?" Well maybe she was right. Ben took the bait from the evil temptress and jeopardized the validity of any future relationship that could come from this show. (Although, I'm not sure that skinny dipping will be solely responsible for that).

Rose Ceremony

Blakeley said she "realized something about herself that she didn't know before." What could it be? Maybe she realized that she likes sushi? Maybe she realized that she wants to get her wrist tattoo removed? Maybe she decided that she only wants to wear strapless dresses from now on? All of these things would have been more interesting than the actual result: she realized that she likes Ben a lot. SNOOOZER.

Kendra screwed up and once again told Ben that House B. is bad news. Her timing couldn't have been worse since Ben just got to second base in the ocean with House B.

The rest of the roses went to Seabiscuit, Jamie, Rachel Speech Impediment, House B., Casey S., VIP Blakeley, and producer picked KENDRA.

Minority Redhead went home. Her crying hiccups were embarrassing. Tough way to go out.

Until next week, in Panama City.

The Bachelor: Sonoma Ben Vintage IV

We're back for Ben's love search. I can't believe it's already the fourth episode. Like last week, I think I am going to celebrate with a drink. As Ben's decisions become more complicated each week, I am going to follow suit make a more complicated drink each Monday night. This week, I'll be making Liz's favorite drink: the Rusty Nail.

Put on your long johns because we're headed to Park City. In case you didn't know, there's a lot of nature out there. According to Ben, the outdoors are a "big part of his life." Wait a second! Wasn't the CITY of San "Fran" a big part of his life last week? Someone call Harrison for a therapy session to sort this out.

Solo Date #1: Rachel Speech Impediment

When Harrison dropped off the card, he said he "hopes" to see everyone at the Rose Ceremony. Foreshadowing much? Methinks someone is going home early. (I need to start using methinks in everyday conversation, right? Methinks I want a sip of my rusty nail).

Rachel got the first helicopter ride of the season. Seems like that has to be as good or better than the first impression rose.

After landing the chopper, Ben and Rachel headed to a lake with a rocky shore. They got into a boat and Liz (Mrs. Wags) exclaimed, "is that a walrus?" (it was a rock). Did I mention they were in a LAKE in UTAH. After that question sent me into a coughing/laughing fit, Mrs. Wags then asked, "are walruses real? where are they indigenous to? how come you don't see more walruses?" I thought every one of these questions was absolutely insane until I pulled up a picture of a real walrus:

After the boat ride, they decided to pop some champagne. Unfortunately, the champagne picnic was a little rough in the conversation department. I'm no dating expert, but when the conversation turns to beaver dams, you have a problem.

At the dinner portion of the date, Rachel blamed the bad chemistry on her "inability to open up." This seems to be a common excuse used on the Bachelor that actually means . . . you're boring.

When dinner continued, Fleiss and Co. played some music that sounded like this:

As a self-proclaimed Bachelor expert, this music means you're not going to be around very long. Though she shockingly got the rose, I have a feeling we won't be seeing Rachel too much longer. WWT fans, don't get too attached to this one.

Group Date: Jamie, Casey S., VIP Blakeley, Seabiscuit Lynzi, House Bitch, Samantha Baby Voice, Nicki, Kacie B.

Did you know this was House Bitch's first group date? If you didn't, she wanted to make sure everyone knew and proclaimed it to the rest of the ladies. She's clearly not in the house to make friends.

When greeting the ladies, Ben rode in on a horse to show his rugged side. Ben almost showed off his broken neck side when he nearly fell off his horse while fording the river.

The next part of the date was fly fishing. House B decided to take over the date and steal Ben away to a private fishing hole. The plan worked because all of the other girls were jealous and House B caught a fish. It seemed to be a big deal that she caught a fish. I'm still unclear why it matters. I've never caught a fish and Liz seems to like me all right.

As the date progressed, they went to the hotel pool for some nighttime drinks. While Nicki succeeded by talking about her boss that died suddenly, Samantha Baby Voice failed by just talking. Though this seemed like Samantha Baby Voice's first appearance on screen, Ben was obviously as equally annoyed with her. After hearing three words from her, Ben sent her packing. Thank you Ben for sparing our ears for the remainder of the season.

Kacie B. got some alone time with Ben in his room. Ben seems way into her. If House Bitch doesn't get in her head, she seems like a lock to go shopping with Neil Lane.

After catching a fish and whining about being insecure with their relationship, House Bitch got the rose.

Solo Date #2: Jennifer (fake) Redhead

Jennifer the fake redhead a la Joan Holloway got to go on the second solo date. Fleiss and Co. dialed up some "crater diving," but Jennifer was a bit nervous because she's scared of heights. Liz pointed out that being scared of heights should not make you unique. Isn't everyone afraid of heights?

Jennifer faced everyones' fear and went down into the crater like the Goonies. Unfortunately, they got the wrong treasure map. One-Eyed-Willie was not waiting with his treasure.

For those keeping track at home, there were not any walruses in the crater either.

Jennifer got a rose. But before the date was over, Ben took Jennifer and her rose to a semi-private Clay Walker concert. Okay Harrison, that's two weeks in a row with a music act I've never heard of. We had Brad Paisley at halftime of the 49ers-Giants game. Couldn't ABC have at least gotten Alan Jackson. I hear Ben's favorite song is Chattahoochee. Oh wait, that's me. NEVER KNEW HOW MUCH THAT MUDDY WATER MEANT TO ME. Can I have another rusty nail?

Rose Ceremony

The rose ceremony evening started off with Kendra attempting to throw House Bitch under the bus. Ben quickly put Kendra in her place by letting her know that she should focus on her own game. You would think a PhD student would be able to be smart about her strategy.

Kendra then vented to the other ladies, but chose to talk bad about House B to her best friend in the house, Casey S. (Not sure who Casey S. is by the way). Naturally, Casey S. ran right to House B and potentially started World War III, Bachelor style.

After not much of a fight, House B thoroughly got in Kendra's head. Not a good sign that the model can play mind games with the PhD student.

Other than House B, Jennifer Redhead, and Rachel Speech Impediment, roses went to Seabiscuit, Jamie, Nicki, Kacie B., Elyse, VIP Blakeley, Casey S., and Kendra.

Going home was Monica, the dental consultant (proving that there's only room for one person with a dental background in Ben's heart).

Hasta la próxima semana....en Puerto Rico.

The Bachelor: Sonoma Ben, Vintage III

It's approximately 7:50 pm. That's 10 minutes before the show even starts, and 40 minutes before it starts on my DVR. With a few minutes to kill, I watched some Kourtney and Kim Take New York. I really like what both the Bachelor and the Kardashians stand for: true love.

And may the Bachelor never end. Thank you Richard Bach.

Since tonight's episode of the Bachelor features San Francisco, we must celebrate with a drink (or two). I'm a big fan of complicated, labor-intensive drinks. You don't need to go to San Francisco's popular Bourbon and Branch to get a solid drink.

Okay, enough about me and the Kardashians. It's Sonoma Ben's time to shine.

The episode started off with the ladies going across the Golden Gate Bridge in a limo, looking in awe at the city by the bay. Keep up the good work. If there's an insult, we're going to have problem.

As Ben and his sister Julia chatted about the ladies over coffee, the women were shuffled into the Fairmont Hotel. Trivia Question: what half of the WWT writing team spent his honeymoon at the Fairmont? Trivia Hint: his name rhymes with Rugan.

Solo Date #1: Emily (PhD Gangster, Kendra)

This date, in classic Bachelor form, involved the bachelorette facing her fears. In this case, Kendra is afraid of heights. So what do Fleiss and Co. plan? You guessed it! A horrifying death climb up the Bay Bridge (the ghettoest of bridges in San Francisco). This is the same bridge that fell down during the 1989 Earthquake and has been a structural nightmare ever since. It seems like there should be less television show filming and more retrofitting. At least this didn't happen:

After surviving the death climb with a special kiss, Kendra and Ben went to dinner. Though she's not a divorcee or single mother, she does have the baggage of having accidentally agreed to go on a Match.com date with her brother. Ouch. That's a new one.

After winning a staring contest with death, Kendra got a very well-deserved rose. Ben really likes that she "might" be smarter than him. Liz is willing to bet our house that the PhD student at Chapel Hill is smarter than the dopey wine maker.

Group Date: Blakeley, Jaclyn, Kacie B, Erika, Samantha, Monica, Rachel, Nicki, Elyse, Kacie S., Jamie

The producers decided to fully utilize the hills of San Francisco and create a ski run. The ladies complained that everyone was stopping and staring at them. Newsflash: you're skiing in San Francisco in bikinis. Nothing to see here, just keep walking.

Kacie B. had never skied before. No better time to learn than in San Francisco on fake snow while wearing a two piece swimsuit. Don't worry. They always say your first run is the easiest.

WWT superfan Eric from Sausalito wrote in during this segment that the best way to stop while skiing is the famous "spread eagle." (Eric is a skier so he didn't need Kacie B. to teach him that move)

The date proceeded to the famous Tonga Room. Did Dugan consult with Fleiss and Co. on the production of this episode!? Another Dugan and Mrs. Dugan honeymoon hot spot!

Rachel got the rose. She's the one with the weird speech pattern.

Solo Date #2: Brittney False Start

When Brittney got the date card, she was "torn, confused, and shocked." Sounds like she needs to have a mental health session with Chris Harrison. Since Chris Harrison did not come to the rescue, Brittney left THE SHOW before she ever went on the date. I feel like we never got to know how their love could have blossomed.

After Brittney left, Monica could not stop crying. One of the weirder displays of emotion. Add that display to Monica's previous near-hookup with Blakeley and you have a very interesting character.

Solo Date #3: Seabiscuit Lynzi

Seabiscuit got to go on the backup solo date after Brittney backed out. Ben said that he loves to "show off his hometown." As long as he keeps calling it "San Fran," I'm going to call shenanigans on just how much time he's spent in San FRANCISCO. That's what it's called.

The date continued on to City Hall. Unfortunately, the doors were locked. Good thing Ben is a low level cat burglar. Armed with flashlights and a jingle key, they broke in and saw the uber-famous Matt Nathanson. Huh? Anyone ever heard of this guy? Ever since "On the Wings of Love," the music on the Bachelor has been sliding downhill.

Amazingly, the date continued on to Bourbon and Branch. I swear I had no idea they were going to go there when I wrote about it six paragraphs ago. I can even prove it with a picture of my bourbon and water:

While I wasn't paying attention to Ben playing the piano, he must have given Seabiscuit a rose.

Mystery Girl Rose Ceremony

As the ladies got ready for the rose ceremony, some saucy minx that must have Chris Harrison on speed dial was on her way to cause problems.

Bad news: Redhead Jennifer is not even really a redhead. Liz noticed that she has brown roots. There are officially no minorities on this season.

The mystery woman showed up. Shockingly, it was Shawntel the Undertaker back to see if she could get in on the Sonoma Ben action. Though it's unclear if they've ever met before, they both are from agricultural towns in California. So that's something. (Thanks to Liz for pointing out this obvious link).

House Bitch Courtney, not one to be silent, informed the other girls that she's tired of dealing with their immaturity. She's so mature. She told Ben that they'd make "cute babies." I'll bet she also signs her name "Courtney Flajnik" with a heart over the "i." She's so mature.

Finally, Shawntel stormed in on the party. All of the ladies proved that they haven't watched previous seasons of the Bachelor because they didn't recognize her until the producers fed them the information about her. Ben looked noticeably shocked. Shawntel said that she wants to be at the rose ceremony and see if they have anything. Did anyone clear this with Chris Harrison!? Someone get Fleiss on the line.

The ladies were PISSED! I love the manufactured drama. Rachel Speech Impediment did not want Shawntel around because "she drinks blood." I'm not completely familiar with the funeral home business, but is seems to me that I never saw anyone drink blood when I watched all five seasons of Six Feet Under.

Breaking news: Liz told me that Rachel Speech Impediment actually said Shawntel "drains" blood. Wow. That really is quite a speech impediment. That error is not on me.

In addition to Kendra, Seabiscuit, and Rachel Speech Impediment, House Bitch Courtney, Kacie Baton, Jamie, the "Red"head, Casey S., Blakeley, Monica, Nicki, Samantha Baby Voice, and . . .

Before the final rose, Erica sort of passed out. But Wags, how does one "sort of pass out?" I think it's when you drop to the ground, but your eyes are still open and you can still talk. I know it definitely doesn't look like this:

After that non-drama, Chris Harrison came back to make sure everyone was okay. Sonoma Ben decided to create some real drama and DID NOT HAND OUT THE FINAL ROSE. Erika sort of passed out again. Jaclyn and Shawntel broke into tears. Like they always say, every rose has its thorn.

In the outtakes, they showed a scene where Erika showed Ben her inner lip tattoo, the word "amore." Whoa. She passes out and has a filthy tattoo. Good thing she's gone.

Until next week in Utah.

The Bachelor: Sonoma Ben, Vintage II

Well that didn't take long. ABC, Chris Harrison, and Mike Fleiss showed why Sonoma Ben was the choice for the Bachelor: Sonoma! The first episode took place at the mansion, but this episode already has moved to beautiful Sonoma.

Date #1: Kacie B.

Okay, I'll admit. I had to look back at the first blog entry to remember 1) how to spell Kacie's name and 2) which Kacie/Casey she was. Liz W. (for new readers out there, my wife) points out that it's hard to imagine a relationship that starts with the guy having to call her "Kacie B." all the time. I gently reply, give love a chance.

After discussing "how important this date is" and how "big of a moment this date is," they drove in circles around the Sonoma Town Square and then played some crappy piano at a local hotel. We need to spice this up. Cue....ABC producers...

The date picked up when they were at a candy shop and VOILA, Kacie B. found a "random" baton in the window. WHAT ARE THE CHANCES? Kacie B. was a child prodigy baton twirler.

After having a legit dinner at The Girl and the Fig, Kacie B. got a rose from Ben F.

But wait, the date was not over. Sonoma Ben had one more great surprise for Kacie B. In an effort to "open up," he brought her to a local theater. I was confident that they were going to be serenaded by Bay Area legends, Train. But alas, it was actually highly emotional home movies that included Ben's deceased father. I'm not sure I can handle this much emotion this early in the season.

Date #2: Brittney, Rachel, Blogger, Shawn, Jennifer, Blakeley, Emily, Monica, Samantha, Jamie, Nicki, and Jaclyn.

Blakeley, the VIP cocktail waitress, wanted to make sure that Ben "notices her." Based upon her outfit, that shouldn't be a problem. You know Dolly Parton. Okay, you get it.

After Blakeley showed off for the camera, the challenge of the date was to act and try out for a kid's play. All of the girls had to try out for the play, while taking direction from school kids. Blakeley once again stole the show. Her cleavage confused the kids to the point where they couldn't even describe why they didn't like her.

Many of the women had to dress up in stuffed animal outfits. Seems to me that some of the producers at ABC might be revealing a fetish. We're on to you Mike Fleiss.

Monica nearly had a romantic encounter with Blakeley last week. This week, dressed as a dragon, she "blew the clothes" off of Ben. I'm not great at seeing patterns, but I'll bet something silly might be in store for her next week.

According to Ben, the date was a "total success." For me, it wasn't so good. I can't keep track of all these ladies. Ben needs to start slashing and burning!

After Samantha called Blakeley a "cougar" and "hooker," Ben continued the long tradition of Bachelor "bad perception" when he told Blakeley that "all of the other girls seem to really like you." Blakeley: VIP cocktail waitress, fake boobs, nasty tattoos, self-described "great lover because she's a Scorpio." Does that sound like a woman that other women are going to like? It doesn't even sound like a woman that other women would accept as a Facebook friend (but I'll bet they would spy on her public Facebook pictures).

By the way, Ben has been kissing a lot of the ladies on this episode. I can't remember all their names at this point, so it's hard to document. Ben can't remember their names, either, so it's going to make the rose ceremony quite difficult.

The date rose went to Blakeley. OUCH. That sent the girls into a tizzy. Redhead started crying. All of the blonds are starting a Blond Union so they are better represented and know when to ignore her as a group.

Date #3: House Bitch Courtney

When Kacie B. read the date card and said House Bitch Courtney was getting the date, HB responded "How did that taste coming out of your mouth?" AWESOME. Everyone needs to try and say that at least once tomorrow at work. "OBJECTION YOUR HONOR. HOW'D THAT TASTE COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH?"

Ben characterized HB by her beauty and attractiveness. I'll say it again, she is going to go far because Ben doesn't think he could get her in real life. They are incompatible no matter how many times she says they "have it." HB actually said she hasn't been on a date recently because she was just "doing me for awhile." She really said that. "OBJECTION YOUR HONOR. I'M JUST GOING TO DO ME FOR AWHILE."

The date was in some wine vineyards. Ben said he was ready to stop partying and move on to a more serious phase of his life. HB was visibly disappointed. She looked like she was ready to do some recreational drugs in the vineyard. She "parties in Hollywood" every night and has "dated an actor." Did I mention that these two are not compatible?

Smitten Ben gave HB a rose because he still thinks they "have it."

Rose Ceremony

Liz just noticed that Monica is a "dental consultant." What the hell is a dental consultant? Does she tell you when you need to go to a dentist? Maybe she tells dentists how to arrange their office. I'm not sure what she does, but I know that she definitely knows which floss is best.

Jenna, the Blogger, fell apart at the cocktail party. She started by having a "battle in her own head." Then she told Ben that she's "like a guy." Her poor showing is an embarrassment to the blogging community. I was really hoping that one of our own would win. Looks like I'll have to wait until next season.

The Blond Union ganged up on Blakeley. Blakeley cried in the corner of the luggage room (Didn't know they had a luggage room. Like they say, you learn something new about the Bachelor every day).

Though filled with tears and cattiness, this episode lacked a critical component: not enough Chris Harrison. ABC, consider this my formal request for more Chris Harrison air time.

Additional roses went to : Redhead Jennifer, PhD Gangster Emily, Elyse, Jaclyn, Ericka, Rachel, Seabiscuit Lynzi, Nicki Top Three, Casey S. (hooray for initials), Samantha Baby Voice, Monica, Jamie RN, and Brittney.

Goodbye Shawn the Mom, Jenna Blogger (had a fairly spirited crying exit), and maybe some other girls?

Until next week...in SAN FRANCISCO!

Bachelor Season Premiere: Sonoma Ben's Vintage

After too many months, Chris Harrison, Mike Fleiss, ABC, Sonoma Ben Flajnik, and 25 of our favorite desesperadas are back in action. These 25 lonely grapes on a vine are just waiting to be picked by Sonoma Ben. Ladies and Germs, The Bachelor Season 137 has begun!

Though Chris Harrison is currently "cheating" on the Bachelor and hosting a SECOND show on ABC, the Bachelor is enough to fully fill my wine glass.

The episode started out with a recap of Sonoma Ben getting jilted by Dental Student Ashley. May that be the last time we mention her name. She jilted all of us when she jilted Ben.

The good news is that Sonoma Ben is back in business. Life is good. He has a renamed winery. He wears tank tops in San Francisco. Most importantly, his hair is still cool and he still kind of looks like Groban.

As usual, we started out with an introduction into the Bachelorettes that might make it all the way:

1) Lindzi: broken up with by text, has an unusual "z" in her name, loves horses

2) Amber T. Coyote: hunts, eats beef nuts (for those counting at home, those are testicles)

3) Kacie: what's with the weird name spellings?

4) Courtney: model (sort of), house bitch, deserves two carats

5) Jamie: RN, raised her siblings, makes Courtney seem a bit shallow

6) Lyndsie: from England, does accents, absolutely out of her mind

7) Jenna: best profession in Bachelor history - "blogger" - thinks she's Carrie Bradshaw,

8) Shawn: has a boy's name, has a real boy son named Gavin

9) Nicki: Texan, divorced (I predict she goes to the final three, but loses because of "baggage")

The limo is about to arrive. Like Sonoma Ben, the ground at the dream house is always wet (I didn't write that joke...the ladies I'm watching the show with wrote it. In the "blogging" business, we call this a disclaimer...ask Jenna).

Here's a quickfire rundown:

1) Rachel: middle name "Rose" - - - get it? get it?

2) Erika: law student, the verdict is in: you're annoying

3) Amber Bacon: friends call her the "Baconator," actually tastes like bacon

4) Elyse: should play this angle

5) Jenna: the blogger was at a loss for words, embarrassment to the industry

6) Courtney House Bitch: nickname says it all

7) Emily: getting a PhD, very into sanitization but willing to have the first kiss

8) Samantha: hair like a rat's nest, first pageant sash of the night

9) Casey S.: boring

10) Amber T.: disgusting yellow dress, got lost but was really offering a second chance at a first impression

11) Holly: just arrived from the Kentucky Derby

12) Jamie: RN, Ben's into her

13) Shira: looks like she's 12, and they didn't show her age. Interesting. Knows nothing about wine

14) Blakeley: not just a waitress, but a "VIP waitress," looks like a guy

15) Sheryl: 72 years old, "old vine zinfandel," has a granddaughter named Brittney (the otherBachelorettes did not like grandma)

16) Nicki: she's going far, double mark my words

17) Dianna: forgot what she was going to say, laughs like she's Shira's younger sister

18) Jennifer: first minority of the night (redhead)

19) Lyndsie: as crazy as Courtney is bitchy, wrote an equally crazy poem, British

20) Anna: no need to say hi to Ben, just kept on walking (they are calling this move "nature calls")

21) Monica: misses her dog, almost crying

22) Jaclyn: one of the best Bachelorettyes

23) Shawn: needs a lot of work (appearance, attitude, appearance)

24) Kacie B.: looks normal, probably going far

25) Lindzi: rode in on a horse, better than wearing a derby hat

All right, I'm out of breath. Let's move on to the infamous Cocktail Party. (Quick side note: it looks like Sonoma Ben checked the box on the application for "blondes").

Rachel kicked off the party by spending time with Sonoma Ben. We couldn't tell if she had a hearing aid or speech impediment, but it turned out to just be a weird ear piercing and a Kennedy family affect. Only on the Bachelorette.

The first Bachelorette to leave was the grandmother, Cheryl. She pulled a Keyser Soze walk when she left. Her age was real. Her crutches were fake.

Some of the gimmicks were gimmicky. The personal trainer made Ben do pushups. The PhD student rapped to show off her "gangster side." Some other gal played soccer.

I'm really hoping that the House Bitch goes far. She is going to be the producers'-pick. She may also go far because she's the classic "Bachelor-doesn't-think-he-can-get-a-girl-that-looks-like-her" pick.

Monica from Utah had a few too many drinks and fell in love with Blakeley. Jenna Blogger seemed to have a problem with Monica because "she's nice and then mean." Hearing Aid mediated a truce between Monica and Blogger. It seemed pretty difficult to mediate between two girls that each would have blown a .22 blood alcohol level. I think they resolved it by agreeing to "share a tampon." Huh? Does that really happen? I never had a sister or anything like that so someone is going to have to explain what that means in the comment section.

As the Blogger had a conniption in the bathroom, Sonoma Ben was busy giving the first impression rose to the Horse Lady/Seabiscuit (the one that rode in on a horse, not the derby hat girl). Unfortunately, Blogger missed a great chance to live-tweet the first impression rose while she was crying.

At the Rose Ceremony, Blogger almost missed the party, but she followed her own blog advice to never have any regrets (and never cry through a rose ceremony).

In addition to Seabiscuit, Jamie RN, Hearing Aid, Blakeley, PhD Gangster, Kacie B., Casey S., Grandma, Ericka, Shawn, Nicki Almost All the Way, Jennifer Minority, Elyse, Samantha Sash, House Bitch, Jaclyn Easy Out, Monica, and and and and and and JENNA BLOGGER. Thank you Mike Fleiss. The producers deserve a high-five for that.