The Bachelor: Sonoma Ben Vintage IV

We're back for Ben's love search. I can't believe it's already the fourth episode. Like last week, I think I am going to celebrate with a drink. As Ben's decisions become more complicated each week, I am going to follow suit make a more complicated drink each Monday night. This week, I'll be making Liz's favorite drink: the Rusty Nail.

Put on your long johns because we're headed to Park City. In case you didn't know, there's a lot of nature out there. According to Ben, the outdoors are a "big part of his life." Wait a second! Wasn't the CITY of San "Fran" a big part of his life last week? Someone call Harrison for a therapy session to sort this out.

Solo Date #1: Rachel Speech Impediment

When Harrison dropped off the card, he said he "hopes" to see everyone at the Rose Ceremony. Foreshadowing much? Methinks someone is going home early. (I need to start using methinks in everyday conversation, right? Methinks I want a sip of my rusty nail).

Rachel got the first helicopter ride of the season. Seems like that has to be as good or better than the first impression rose.

After landing the chopper, Ben and Rachel headed to a lake with a rocky shore. They got into a boat and Liz (Mrs. Wags) exclaimed, "is that a walrus?" (it was a rock). Did I mention they were in a LAKE in UTAH. After that question sent me into a coughing/laughing fit, Mrs. Wags then asked, "are walruses real? where are they indigenous to? how come you don't see more walruses?" I thought every one of these questions was absolutely insane until I pulled up a picture of a real walrus:

After the boat ride, they decided to pop some champagne. Unfortunately, the champagne picnic was a little rough in the conversation department. I'm no dating expert, but when the conversation turns to beaver dams, you have a problem.

At the dinner portion of the date, Rachel blamed the bad chemistry on her "inability to open up." This seems to be a common excuse used on the Bachelor that actually means . . . you're boring.

When dinner continued, Fleiss and Co. played some music that sounded like this:

As a self-proclaimed Bachelor expert, this music means you're not going to be around very long. Though she shockingly got the rose, I have a feeling we won't be seeing Rachel too much longer. WWT fans, don't get too attached to this one.

Group Date: Jamie, Casey S., VIP Blakeley, Seabiscuit Lynzi, House Bitch, Samantha Baby Voice, Nicki, Kacie B.

Did you know this was House Bitch's first group date? If you didn't, she wanted to make sure everyone knew and proclaimed it to the rest of the ladies. She's clearly not in the house to make friends.

When greeting the ladies, Ben rode in on a horse to show his rugged side. Ben almost showed off his broken neck side when he nearly fell off his horse while fording the river.

The next part of the date was fly fishing. House B decided to take over the date and steal Ben away to a private fishing hole. The plan worked because all of the other girls were jealous and House B caught a fish. It seemed to be a big deal that she caught a fish. I'm still unclear why it matters. I've never caught a fish and Liz seems to like me all right.

As the date progressed, they went to the hotel pool for some nighttime drinks. While Nicki succeeded by talking about her boss that died suddenly, Samantha Baby Voice failed by just talking. Though this seemed like Samantha Baby Voice's first appearance on screen, Ben was obviously as equally annoyed with her. After hearing three words from her, Ben sent her packing. Thank you Ben for sparing our ears for the remainder of the season.

Kacie B. got some alone time with Ben in his room. Ben seems way into her. If House Bitch doesn't get in her head, she seems like a lock to go shopping with Neil Lane.

After catching a fish and whining about being insecure with their relationship, House Bitch got the rose.

Solo Date #2: Jennifer (fake) Redhead

Jennifer the fake redhead a la Joan Holloway got to go on the second solo date. Fleiss and Co. dialed up some "crater diving," but Jennifer was a bit nervous because she's scared of heights. Liz pointed out that being scared of heights should not make you unique. Isn't everyone afraid of heights?

Jennifer faced everyones' fear and went down into the crater like the Goonies. Unfortunately, they got the wrong treasure map. One-Eyed-Willie was not waiting with his treasure.

For those keeping track at home, there were not any walruses in the crater either.

Jennifer got a rose. But before the date was over, Ben took Jennifer and her rose to a semi-private Clay Walker concert. Okay Harrison, that's two weeks in a row with a music act I've never heard of. We had Brad Paisley at halftime of the 49ers-Giants game. Couldn't ABC have at least gotten Alan Jackson. I hear Ben's favorite song is Chattahoochee. Oh wait, that's me. NEVER KNEW HOW MUCH THAT MUDDY WATER MEANT TO ME. Can I have another rusty nail?

Rose Ceremony

The rose ceremony evening started off with Kendra attempting to throw House Bitch under the bus. Ben quickly put Kendra in her place by letting her know that she should focus on her own game. You would think a PhD student would be able to be smart about her strategy.

Kendra then vented to the other ladies, but chose to talk bad about House B to her best friend in the house, Casey S. (Not sure who Casey S. is by the way). Naturally, Casey S. ran right to House B and potentially started World War III, Bachelor style.

After not much of a fight, House B thoroughly got in Kendra's head. Not a good sign that the model can play mind games with the PhD student.

Other than House B, Jennifer Redhead, and Rachel Speech Impediment, roses went to Seabiscuit, Jamie, Nicki, Kacie B., Elyse, VIP Blakeley, Casey S., and Kendra.

Going home was Monica, the dental consultant (proving that there's only room for one person with a dental background in Ben's heart).

Hasta la próxima semana....en Puerto Rico.