And may the Bachelor never end. Thank you Richard Bach.
Since tonight's episode of the Bachelor features San Francisco, we must celebrate with a drink (or two). I'm a big fan of complicated, labor-intensive drinks. You don't need to go to San Francisco's popular Bourbon and Branch to get a solid drink.
Okay, enough about me and the Kardashians. It's Sonoma Ben's time to shine.
The episode started off with the ladies going across the Golden Gate Bridge in a limo, looking in awe at the city by the bay. Keep up the good work. If there's an insult, we're going to have problem.
As Ben and his sister Julia chatted about the ladies over coffee, the women were shuffled into the Fairmont Hotel. Trivia Question: what half of the WWT writing team spent his honeymoon at the Fairmont? Trivia Hint: his name rhymes with Rugan.
Solo Date #1: Emily (PhD Gangster, Kendra)
This date, in classic Bachelor form, involved the bachelorette facing her fears. In this case, Kendra is afraid of heights. So what do Fleiss and Co. plan? You guessed it! A horrifying death climb up the Bay Bridge (the ghettoest of bridges in San Francisco). This is the same bridge that fell down during the 1989 Earthquake and has been a structural nightmare ever since. It seems like there should be less television show filming and more retrofitting. At least this didn't happen:
After surviving the death climb with a special kiss, Kendra and Ben went to dinner. Though she's not a divorcee or single mother, she does have the baggage of having accidentally agreed to go on a Match.com date with her brother. Ouch. That's a new one.
After winning a staring contest with death, Kendra got a very well-deserved rose. Ben really likes that she "might" be smarter than him. Liz is willing to bet our house that the PhD student at Chapel Hill is smarter than the dopey wine maker.
Group Date: Blakeley, Jaclyn, Kacie B, Erika, Samantha, Monica, Rachel, Nicki, Elyse, Kacie S., Jamie
The producers decided to fully utilize the hills of San Francisco and create a ski run. The ladies complained that everyone was stopping and staring at them. Newsflash: you're skiing in San Francisco in bikinis. Nothing to see here, just keep walking.
Kacie B. had never skied before. No better time to learn than in San Francisco on fake snow while wearing a two piece swimsuit. Don't worry. They always say your first run is the easiest.
WWT superfan Eric from Sausalito wrote in during this segment that the best way to stop while skiing is the famous "spread eagle." (Eric is a skier so he didn't need Kacie B. to teach him that move)
The date proceeded to the famous Tonga Room. Did Dugan consult with Fleiss and Co. on the production of this episode!? Another Dugan and Mrs. Dugan honeymoon hot spot!
Rachel got the rose. She's the one with the weird speech pattern.
Solo Date #2: Brittney False Start
When Brittney got the date card, she was "torn, confused, and shocked." Sounds like she needs to have a mental health session with Chris Harrison. Since Chris Harrison did not come to the rescue, Brittney left THE SHOW before she ever went on the date. I feel like we never got to know how their love could have blossomed.
After Brittney left, Monica could not stop crying. One of the weirder displays of emotion. Add that display to Monica's previous near-hookup with Blakeley and you have a very interesting character.
Solo Date #3: Seabiscuit Lynzi
Seabiscuit got to go on the backup solo date after Brittney backed out. Ben said that he loves to "show off his hometown." As long as he keeps calling it "San Fran," I'm going to call shenanigans on just how much time he's spent in San FRANCISCO. That's what it's called.
The date continued on to City Hall. Unfortunately, the doors were locked. Good thing Ben is a low level cat burglar. Armed with flashlights and a jingle key, they broke in and saw the uber-famous Matt Nathanson. Huh? Anyone ever heard of this guy? Ever since "On the Wings of Love," the music on the Bachelor has been sliding downhill.
Amazingly, the date continued on to Bourbon and Branch. I swear I had no idea they were going to go there when I wrote about it six paragraphs ago. I can even prove it with a picture of my bourbon and water:
While I wasn't paying attention to Ben playing the piano, he must have given Seabiscuit a rose.
Mystery Girl Rose Ceremony
As the ladies got ready for the rose ceremony, some saucy minx that must have Chris Harrison on speed dial was on her way to cause problems.
Bad news: Redhead Jennifer is not even really a redhead. Liz noticed that she has brown roots. There are officially no minorities on this season.
The mystery woman showed up. Shockingly, it was Shawntel the Undertaker back to see if she could get in on the Sonoma Ben action. Though it's unclear if they've ever met before, they both are from agricultural towns in California. So that's something. (Thanks to Liz for pointing out this obvious link).
House Bitch Courtney, not one to be silent, informed the other girls that she's tired of dealing with their immaturity. She's so mature. She told Ben that they'd make "cute babies." I'll bet she also signs her name "Courtney Flajnik" with a heart over the "i." She's so mature.
Finally, Shawntel stormed in on the party. All of the ladies proved that they haven't watched previous seasons of the Bachelor because they didn't recognize her until the producers fed them the information about her. Ben looked noticeably shocked. Shawntel said that she wants to be at the rose ceremony and see if they have anything. Did anyone clear this with Chris Harrison!? Someone get Fleiss on the line.
The ladies were PISSED! I love the manufactured drama. Rachel Speech Impediment did not want Shawntel around because "she drinks blood." I'm not completely familiar with the funeral home business, but is seems to me that I never saw anyone drink blood when I watched all five seasons of Six Feet Under.
Breaking news: Liz told me that Rachel Speech Impediment actually said Shawntel "drains" blood. Wow. That really is quite a speech impediment. That error is not on me.
In addition to Kendra, Seabiscuit, and Rachel Speech Impediment, House Bitch Courtney, Kacie Baton, Jamie, the "Red"head, Casey S., Blakeley, Monica, Nicki, Samantha Baby Voice, and . . .
Before the final rose, Erica sort of passed out. But Wags, how does one "sort of pass out?" I think it's when you drop to the ground, but your eyes are still open and you can still talk. I know it definitely doesn't look like this:
After that non-drama, Chris Harrison came back to make sure everyone was okay. Sonoma Ben decided to create some real drama and DID NOT HAND OUT THE FINAL ROSE. Erika sort of passed out again. Jaclyn and Shawntel broke into tears. Like they always say, every rose has its thorn.
In the outtakes, they showed a scene where Erika showed Ben her inner lip tattoo, the word "amore." Whoa. She passes out and has a filthy tattoo. Good thing she's gone.
Until next week in Utah.
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san franCISCO, that's fun to say.
ReplyDeleteWe have had two screaming matches with Littlest Dugan trying to get through this episode. He better turn out to be cool because ruining a season of the Bachelor has him fairly square behind the 8 ball in my eyes. And a Bachelor episode at the Fairmont! That includes the Tonga Room! This is all too much for the Mr. and Mrs.
ReplyDeleteWhen the west coast writers visit Florida next, we'll have to take you to Fort Lauderdale's version of the Tonga - the Mai Kai. It's not set in a beautiful hotel, but has other positives.
Enjoy keeping up with the blog, of course. And look forward to writing a guest entry one show if I can get junior to sleep.