The Bachelor: Sonoma Ben, Vintage II

Well that didn't take long. ABC, Chris Harrison, and Mike Fleiss showed why Sonoma Ben was the choice for the Bachelor: Sonoma! The first episode took place at the mansion, but this episode already has moved to beautiful Sonoma.

Date #1: Kacie B.

Okay, I'll admit. I had to look back at the first blog entry to remember 1) how to spell Kacie's name and 2) which Kacie/Casey she was. Liz W. (for new readers out there, my wife) points out that it's hard to imagine a relationship that starts with the guy having to call her "Kacie B." all the time. I gently reply, give love a chance.

After discussing "how important this date is" and how "big of a moment this date is," they drove in circles around the Sonoma Town Square and then played some crappy piano at a local hotel. We need to spice this up. Cue....ABC producers...

The date picked up when they were at a candy shop and VOILA, Kacie B. found a "random" baton in the window. WHAT ARE THE CHANCES? Kacie B. was a child prodigy baton twirler.

After having a legit dinner at The Girl and the Fig, Kacie B. got a rose from Ben F.

But wait, the date was not over. Sonoma Ben had one more great surprise for Kacie B. In an effort to "open up," he brought her to a local theater. I was confident that they were going to be serenaded by Bay Area legends, Train. But alas, it was actually highly emotional home movies that included Ben's deceased father. I'm not sure I can handle this much emotion this early in the season.

Date #2: Brittney, Rachel, Blogger, Shawn, Jennifer, Blakeley, Emily, Monica, Samantha, Jamie, Nicki, and Jaclyn.

Blakeley, the VIP cocktail waitress, wanted to make sure that Ben "notices her." Based upon her outfit, that shouldn't be a problem. You know Dolly Parton. Okay, you get it.

After Blakeley showed off for the camera, the challenge of the date was to act and try out for a kid's play. All of the girls had to try out for the play, while taking direction from school kids. Blakeley once again stole the show. Her cleavage confused the kids to the point where they couldn't even describe why they didn't like her.

Many of the women had to dress up in stuffed animal outfits. Seems to me that some of the producers at ABC might be revealing a fetish. We're on to you Mike Fleiss.

Monica nearly had a romantic encounter with Blakeley last week. This week, dressed as a dragon, she "blew the clothes" off of Ben. I'm not great at seeing patterns, but I'll bet something silly might be in store for her next week.

According to Ben, the date was a "total success." For me, it wasn't so good. I can't keep track of all these ladies. Ben needs to start slashing and burning!

After Samantha called Blakeley a "cougar" and "hooker," Ben continued the long tradition of Bachelor "bad perception" when he told Blakeley that "all of the other girls seem to really like you." Blakeley: VIP cocktail waitress, fake boobs, nasty tattoos, self-described "great lover because she's a Scorpio." Does that sound like a woman that other women are going to like? It doesn't even sound like a woman that other women would accept as a Facebook friend (but I'll bet they would spy on her public Facebook pictures).

By the way, Ben has been kissing a lot of the ladies on this episode. I can't remember all their names at this point, so it's hard to document. Ben can't remember their names, either, so it's going to make the rose ceremony quite difficult.

The date rose went to Blakeley. OUCH. That sent the girls into a tizzy. Redhead started crying. All of the blonds are starting a Blond Union so they are better represented and know when to ignore her as a group.

Date #3: House Bitch Courtney

When Kacie B. read the date card and said House Bitch Courtney was getting the date, HB responded "How did that taste coming out of your mouth?" AWESOME. Everyone needs to try and say that at least once tomorrow at work. "OBJECTION YOUR HONOR. HOW'D THAT TASTE COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH?"

Ben characterized HB by her beauty and attractiveness. I'll say it again, she is going to go far because Ben doesn't think he could get her in real life. They are incompatible no matter how many times she says they "have it." HB actually said she hasn't been on a date recently because she was just "doing me for awhile." She really said that. "OBJECTION YOUR HONOR. I'M JUST GOING TO DO ME FOR AWHILE."

The date was in some wine vineyards. Ben said he was ready to stop partying and move on to a more serious phase of his life. HB was visibly disappointed. She looked like she was ready to do some recreational drugs in the vineyard. She "parties in Hollywood" every night and has "dated an actor." Did I mention that these two are not compatible?

Smitten Ben gave HB a rose because he still thinks they "have it."

Rose Ceremony

Liz just noticed that Monica is a "dental consultant." What the hell is a dental consultant? Does she tell you when you need to go to a dentist? Maybe she tells dentists how to arrange their office. I'm not sure what she does, but I know that she definitely knows which floss is best.

Jenna, the Blogger, fell apart at the cocktail party. She started by having a "battle in her own head." Then she told Ben that she's "like a guy." Her poor showing is an embarrassment to the blogging community. I was really hoping that one of our own would win. Looks like I'll have to wait until next season.

The Blond Union ganged up on Blakeley. Blakeley cried in the corner of the luggage room (Didn't know they had a luggage room. Like they say, you learn something new about the Bachelor every day).

Though filled with tears and cattiness, this episode lacked a critical component: not enough Chris Harrison. ABC, consider this my formal request for more Chris Harrison air time.

Additional roses went to : Redhead Jennifer, PhD Gangster Emily, Elyse, Jaclyn, Ericka, Rachel, Seabiscuit Lynzi, Nicki Top Three, Casey S. (hooray for initials), Samantha Baby Voice, Monica, Jamie RN, and Brittney.

Goodbye Shawn the Mom, Jenna Blogger (had a fairly spirited crying exit), and maybe some other girls?

Until next week...in SAN FRANCISCO!