Though Chris Harrison is currently "cheating" on the Bachelor and hosting a SECOND show on ABC, the Bachelor is enough to fully fill my wine glass.
The episode started out with a recap of Sonoma Ben getting jilted by Dental Student Ashley. May that be the last time we mention her name. She jilted all of us when she jilted Ben.
The good news is that Sonoma Ben is back in business. Life is good. He has a renamed winery. He wears tank tops in San Francisco. Most importantly, his hair is still cool and he still kind of looks like Groban.
As usual, we started out with an introduction into the Bachelorettes that might make it all the way:
1) Lindzi: broken up with by text, has an unusual "z" in her name, loves horses
2) Amber T. Coyote: hunts, eats beef nuts (for those counting at home, those are testicles)
3) Kacie: what's with the weird name spellings?
4) Courtney: model (sort of), house bitch, deserves two carats
5) Jamie: RN, raised her siblings, makes Courtney seem a bit shallow
6) Lyndsie: from England, does accents, absolutely out of her mind
7) Jenna: best profession in Bachelor history - "blogger" - thinks she's Carrie Bradshaw,
8) Shawn: has a boy's name, has a real boy son named Gavin
9) Nicki: Texan, divorced (I predict she goes to the final three, but loses because of "baggage")
The limo is about to arrive. Like Sonoma Ben, the ground at the dream house is always wet (I didn't write that joke...the ladies I'm watching the show with wrote it. In the "blogging" business, we call this a disclaimer...ask Jenna).
Here's a quickfire rundown:
1) Rachel: middle name "Rose" - - - get it? get it?
2) Erika: law student, the verdict is in: you're annoying
3) Amber Bacon: friends call her the "Baconator," actually tastes like bacon
4) Elyse: should play this angle
5) Jenna: the blogger was at a loss for words, embarrassment to the industry
6) Courtney House Bitch: nickname says it all
7) Emily: getting a PhD, very into sanitization but willing to have the first kiss
8) Samantha: hair like a rat's nest, first pageant sash of the night
9) Casey S.: boring
10) Amber T.: disgusting yellow dress, got lost but was really offering a second chance at a first impression
11) Holly: just arrived from the Kentucky Derby
12) Jamie: RN, Ben's into her
13) Shira: looks like she's 12, and they didn't show her age. Interesting. Knows nothing about wine
14) Blakeley: not just a waitress, but a "VIP waitress," looks like a guy
15) Sheryl: 72 years old, "old vine zinfandel," has a granddaughter named Brittney (the otherBachelorettes did not like grandma)
16) Nicki: she's going far, double mark my words
17) Dianna: forgot what she was going to say, laughs like she's Shira's younger sister
18) Jennifer: first minority of the night (redhead)
19) Lyndsie: as crazy as Courtney is bitchy, wrote an equally crazy poem, British
20) Anna: no need to say hi to Ben, just kept on walking (they are calling this move "nature calls")
21) Monica: misses her dog, almost crying
22) Jaclyn: one of the best Bachelorettyes
23) Shawn: needs a lot of work (appearance, attitude, appearance)
24) Kacie B.: looks normal, probably going far
25) Lindzi: rode in on a horse, better than wearing a derby hat
All right, I'm out of breath. Let's move on to the infamous Cocktail Party. (Quick side note: it looks like Sonoma Ben checked the box on the application for "blondes").
Rachel kicked off the party by spending time with Sonoma Ben. We couldn't tell if she had a hearing aid or speech impediment, but it turned out to just be a weird ear piercing and a Kennedy family affect. Only on the Bachelorette.
The first Bachelorette to leave was the grandmother, Cheryl. She pulled a Keyser Soze walk when she left. Her age was real. Her crutches were fake.
Some of the gimmicks were gimmicky. The personal trainer made Ben do pushups. The PhD student rapped to show off her "gangster side." Some other gal played soccer.
I'm really hoping that the House Bitch goes far. She is going to be the producers'-pick. She may also go far because she's the classic "Bachelor-doesn't-think-he-can-get-a-girl-that-looks-like-her" pick.
Monica from Utah had a few too many drinks and fell in love with Blakeley. Jenna Blogger seemed to have a problem with Monica because "she's nice and then mean." Hearing Aid mediated a truce between Monica and Blogger. It seemed pretty difficult to mediate between two girls that each would have blown a .22 blood alcohol level. I think they resolved it by agreeing to "share a tampon." Huh? Does that really happen? I never had a sister or anything like that so someone is going to have to explain what that means in the comment section.
As the Blogger had a conniption in the bathroom, Sonoma Ben was busy giving the first impression rose to the Horse Lady/Seabiscuit (the one that rode in on a horse, not the derby hat girl). Unfortunately, Blogger missed a great chance to live-tweet the first impression rose while she was crying.
At the Rose Ceremony, Blogger almost missed the party, but she followed her own blog advice to never have any regrets (and never cry through a rose ceremony).
In addition to Seabiscuit, Jamie RN, Hearing Aid, Blakeley, PhD Gangster, Kacie B., Casey S., Grandma, Ericka, Shawn, Nicki Almost All the Way, Jennifer Minority, Elyse, Samantha Sash, House Bitch, Jaclyn Easy Out, Monica, and and and and and and JENNA BLOGGER. Thank you Mike Fleiss. The producers deserve a high-five for that.
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Tim, thanks for the rundown. Things in the Dugan household have been hectic since Lil Dugan Deuce showed up on the scene. Once we whip him into shape like LD, the Mrs. and I will be back to our blogging selves. That's not to say we have given up on the show. We have a group coming over to the house tonight to watch in full fast forward DVR mode. Because I was always the kid who couldnt wait to see what gifts were under the tree, I have read the blog to satisfy my yearning for some WWT action.
ReplyDeleteI look forward to meeting the girls and adding more comment either later tonight or tomorrow.
Now that I don't live with my sisters, I'm looking for a surrogate group to meet my bachelor viewing needs.
ReplyDeleteThe one thing that stood out for me was having Grandma's grandma do all of her talking. She must not have said anything memorable for them not to air anything she said while chatting with Ben.