The Bachelor: Likable Sean and the Final Three

As I'm sure you don't know, I watch the show on delay.  It's now actually 9:00 pm as I write this.  Our loyal readers have already texted me about hooker outfits and Sean's (born-again) virginity.  With this information and my ice cream and scotch, I couldn't be more excited.

Sean is down to AshLee Top Three, Lennay Kekua, and the Two-Star General's Daughter.  Sean is taking all three of them to "one of the most beautiful places in the world...the South of Thailand."  I've been to the north of Thailand, and let me tell you, it's HORRIBLE!

Sean summarized his relationship with all three women.  Lennay is weird.  AshLee is serious.  Lindsay is giggly.  Not surprisingly, he can see himself marrying any of them, but his heart is torn in so many directions.  I thoroughly enjoy the way people talk on this reality show.

Fantasy Date #1: The General's Daughter

The GD started out by informing the audience that last week she told Sean that she is "falling in love" with Sean.  This week, she hopes to be able to tell him she is "in love" with Sean.  By the end of this episode, I hope to finish a pint of ice cream.  So it's good that we all have goals.

The date started out in a market.  The Bachelor quickly devolved into an episode of Fear Factor.  Sean and GD had to eat bugs.  GD almost regurgitated the bugs, but sadly she held it down, robbing us of the greatest moment in Bachelor history.

After feeding (wild?) monkeys on a beach, like you do, the date progressed to dinner in front of "tradition Thai floats."  This made me think that the Thai people must be really into parades.  How funny would it be if the Thai Bachelor came to the United States to film their fantasy dates and had dinner in front of some traditional American floats?

GD told Sean that she loves him.  Sean romantically replied, "it feels so good to hear you say that."  GD accepted the fantasy suite opportunity.  Based on her foot tattoo, I did not think that decision was much of a shocker.  Not that there's anything wrong with a foot tattoo.

Fantasy Date #2: AshLee Top Three

AshLee, the pastor's daughter, showed up to the South of Thailand wearing daisy dukes and a mesh top bearing her midriff.  AshLee decided to go with her classic look, the teenage bride.

The date continued to some cave swimming.  Predictably, AshLee equated/blamed her fear of cave swimming to her childhood abandonment issues.  Though I don't think any of Sean's three choices are great, Wagstradomus predicts that AshLee's abandonment issues will quickly tire out her future partner.

At the end of the caves, AshLee and Sean found the "light at the end of the tunnel." I was really hoping to see an old friend in that cave.  Never say die!

At dinner, the date card arrived. AshLee, reverting back to her pastor's daughter role, was nervous about "morally putting herself out there."  Is that the best way of phrasing what could occur!?  

Ashlee clearly hasn't read UsWeekly.  If she had, she would know that Sean is a "born-again virgin."  Thus, Sean's perfect night would be staying up all night and talking.  

Unimportant side note: I laugh every time I type "AshLee."  I love capitalizing the L.  What a crazy name!

Fantasy Date #3: Lennay Kekua

Lennay started off her date by talking about how disappointed she was with Te'o's 40 time at the NFL combine.  Wait a second, I got our Lennay Kekua mixed up with the real fake Lennay Kekua.  

Lennay's date has been rather boring.  We're 1:16 into the episode and I haven't even heard one reference to Chris Harrison.  After writing the invitations to the fantasy suites, what else does he have to do?  Rather than showing us tweets from random members of Bachelor Nation, I would like to hear a Chris Harrison Director's commentary.  

Lennay accepted the fantasy suite invite.  3 for 3!  Not bad for a born-again virgin.  

Ask and you shall receive!  Harrison is back in LA with super important information...but actually just a preview of OZ: The Great and Powerful.  Don't take advantage of us Harrison, you devious shill.

The Choice

After a therapeutic talk with Harrison (coming on strongly!), Sean took some time to stare deeply at the framed 5" x 7" photos of the women to help make his decision.  Sean then watched the video messages from the three women.  Spoiler alert: they can all see their future with Sean.  Second spoiler alert: I finished my ice cream.

With two roses left, Sean chose the General's Daughter Lindsay and Lennay Kekua.  

AshLee Top Three lived up to her nickname, exactly.  She left in a huff, saying nothing to Sean while giving him an A+ death stare.  AshLee described it as "the ultimate reject."  Worse than six foster homes in one year?  I think not.  

Until next week, with more Righty, Tierrable, and Say Yes to the Des.  

The Bachelor: Likable Sean Hometowns

Family Matters

Every year, the hometown episode turns on a crazy family member or two. While I think its important, every family has their share of crazy and one dinner date isn't a true glimpse into the crazy that can be waiting for you. So...good luck Sean. We'll play word association with the cities.

AshLee's Houston Hometown

When I think Houston, I think of the late 80's/early 90s Oilers and their Warren Moon-led prolific offense. As far as AshLee Top 3's date in Houston, her parents are the big winner. They came away great.

• Bailey is a solid dog name.
• Sean's father and grandfather are pastors.
• So is Bruce, AshLee's dad.
• I became bored and started reading how Ken Pomeroy believes Pitt is the nation's most underrated team…looked omniscient with Monday night's early 19-3 lead...oops.
• Nice 3 car garage.
• Sweet stache and boots on dad Bruce.

Lennay's Seattle Sojourn

When I think Seattle, I think of Dr. Frasier Crane and that adorable little dog. Oh, and flying fish. Apparently, you are not allowed to film anything in Seattle without the obligatory shot of flying salmon at the market. Additional Seattle date thoughts:

• gum wall? So gross.
• Lennay, 2 sisters, mom and grandma…yikes. We might as well call Sean "James Garner" and let this date continue...

• Sisters were tough on Lennay saying she wasn't ready to settle down, messy and moody...THANK YOU FAMILY.

 The General’s Daughter's Missou Milieu

I usually purposely mispronounce "Missouri" as "Misery" because I have no interest in ever going there. Admittedly, that is probably unfair due to my limited interaction with the state outside of numerous trips to Lambert St. Louis International Airport. My notes on the date.

• I've noticed a continuing trend away from wine and towards beer on the Bacherlor/ette. Is this the craft beer industry making inroads?
• General's daughter puts Sean in army outfit and tries her best General Barnaky

•  Lindsey’s mom respects Sean because he wont say “I love you.” Has she ever watched? He is contractually obligated.
• Sean seems genuinely scared of General Yenter.
• The General gives Sean the authority to marry his daughter.
• 31 years in the army. He must have an amazing pension.
• Little brother was mute.  

Say Yes to the Des' LA Anguish

Los Angeles conjures up many images, but I don't want to get in trouble with my co-blogger and Nor Cal man Wags. 

The date begins with a fake boyfriend showing up. I couldn't decide if there was a clearer moment in the series history of jumping the shark. Good luck. It's on her way out, fans.

• Mom and Dad escaped the tent for dinner
• Nate is another brother, but this one talks. Nate is a tough guy but he's no Nasty Nate.

•  Nate killed the hometown and it turned into an awkward discussion about weather.

Rose Ceremony

• AshLee Top 3 gets rose #1. DUH. Thank you, Wagstradomus.
• Gen Daughter gets rose #2.
• And the final rose to...
• Rose down. Walks away. Deep breaths. Camera crew running. Did he forget their names? WHERE IS HARRISON! GET ME HARRISON!!!
• It turns out to be Lennay.
• Leslie and Say Yes to the Des in consecutive weeks? They would have been top 3 if I had to make a guess two weeks ago. Wow.
• Say Yes to the Des is cut. Family Matters. Get it.

The Bachelor: Likable Sean Episode 7

While waiting for Mrs. Wags to come over and sit on the couch with me, I watched 5 minutes of The Biggest Loser.  I feel thoroughly depressed, yet also a little bit inspired now.  Strangely, I also feel inspired to eat chocolate ice cream while watching The Bachelor.  Harrison would approve, but probably not Jillian Michaels.

Okay, let's get back to the task at hand.  It's time to do some french kissing on the beach.  Sean started off the show by asking the delicious question, "How often do you get to fly into St. Croix in a sea plane?"  The answer is obviously never, but I wish it was every day.

Solo Date #1: AshLee Top 3

After AshLee got the date card, the Tierrorist dropped a dirty bomb and called AshLee a cougar because AshLee is 32.  As a fellow 32 year-old, I'm offended on AshLee's behalf.

But don't worry AshLee fans, Sean says he has seen her "vulnerability and her strength."  (ABC production side-note: As Sean said that quote, the cameras were directly on AshLee's bikini butt).

Back at the hotel, the other girls can't get over that Tierrable is sleeping on a cot.  How could Sean ever choose a girl that sleeps on a cot!?

Unfortunately, back on the date, AshLee was also talking about Tierrable.  AshLee said that Tierrable is a "pouty pants."



At the beachfront tiki torch dinner, AshLee said she has the dreaded "one more thing to tell Sean before the hometown dates."  We paused the show to make guesses.  I think she was married before.  Mrs. Wags guesses that she's Christian (WEAK! SO OBVIOUS!).

And the answer was: I'm right!  (But Mrs. Wags probably was too).  She was married.  The real scandal was that she got married her junior year and was divorced by her senior year.

AshLee, attempting to solidify her nickname, screamed that she loves Sean.  Per ABC rules, Sean merely replied, "I know."  Ladies and Gentlemen, television does not get much more romantic than that.

Solo Date #2: Tierrable 

Tierrable started off her date with Sean trying the street foods of St. Croix.  If you eat too much street food in St. Croix, you need to watch out for Raja Bell's Revenge

Sean confronted Tierra about her reputation in the house, igniting an emotional powder keg for later in the episode.  Watch out trash-talking bachelorettes, the Tierrorist is going to be on the loose.

Later in the (boring) date, Tierrable said she's falling in love with Sean.  Sean, in another ABC required response said, "I've had so much fun today."  Nothing like an unnatural response to a fake sentiment to make a relationship appear real.

Group Date: Lennay Kekua, Say Yes to the Des, and Lindsay

Before the group date began, Sean snuck into the ladies' rooms at 4 am to take pictures of the girls without makeup.  Amazingly, this seems information a guy in his position might want to know.  Cheers to you, Likable Sean.

After the unwelcome surprise, Sean took the three ladies out to see the sunrise.  After that predictably lovely sight, Sean proved that he has learned a few things about manual transmissions by driving the ladies around the rural island of St. Croix.  Jeep paid Super Bowl style money to sponsor this date.

On the beach portion of the date, Sean said he never thought he would fall for the girl that wore the wedding dress on the first night (Lindsay).  Surprisingly, Sean actually does seem really into her.  Maybe he has a thing for foot and wrist tattoos.

Lennay Kekua buzz-killed the date by talking about her dad's suicide attempt.  I'm not willing to buzz-kill the blog by discussing it further, but I felt that you, our valued reader, needed to know.

Say Yes to the Des cried about how much she loves her family.  And then she cried some more.  And then she cried about it.  Boo hoo.

The only date rose of the night went to Lindsay.  We get to meet crazy Lindsay's crazy family.

Solo Date #3: Lesley Abramoff

The date card said that Sean hopes their relationship can stand the test of time.  How cool would it be if Sean had arranged a time-travel date?  (Blog author nerd alert).

The date took them to a ruined fruit factory.  (It may also have been a "roof" or "root" factory.  We couldn't hear it clearly).  Frankly, none of those three types of factories makes any sense.

Lesley Abramoff was on the verge of telling a family secret, but could not pull the trigger.  A potential hometown date scandal?  Yes please.

Sister Shay

Sean's sister visited St. Croix.  She asked Sean if he could narrow it down to one or two girls.  Sean said, "I could see myself marrying all six."  Though ABC obviously makes Sean say this, we are getting into the territory of things-Sean-said-during-the-show-that-are-majorly-detrimental-to-a-post-TV-real-relationship.  Shay, a Bachelor genius and hopefully a future blog contributor, tells Sean that he should beware of girls that cause drama in the house.

Tierrable vs. AshLee Top 3

AshLee got real on Tierrable and said that Tierra changes when Sean comes around.  Tierra replied, "men love me."  AshLee said that she'd had enough of Tierra's stares and "raised eyebrows."  Using the overly defensive logic of a 1st grader, Tierra yelled, "I can't control my eyebrow!"  Botox has that effect.

Sean then consoled Tierra by telling her that he's been crazy about her since the first night and that he really cares about her....and therefore he's sending her home.  Not the most logical thought process, but the right choice nonetheless.

Tierrable left in the van crying and blaming the other women all the way.  What a wonderful set up for the Bachelor reunion episode.

Rose Ceremony

Sean, confident in his decision tonight, does not need a cocktail party.  Sorry ladies, no free chardonnay this evening.

In addition to visiting Lindsay's hometown, we will also being headed to the hometowns of Say Yes to the Des, Lennay Kekua (she exists!), and Ashlee Top 3 (the nickname is alive, but so is the crazy).

Sadly, goodbye to Lesley Abramoff.  She was one of the more likable contestants in recent memory, and maybe a dark horse for next Bachelorette.

Weird moment of the night: Lennay sobbed about Lesley leaving because Lesley has more in common with Sean than she does.  If Lennay really feels that way, why is she still on The Bachelor, ABC's hit reality search for true love?

Until next week, in hometowns all around the USA.

The Bachelor: Likable Sean Episode 6

The real star of this episode was Banff National Park and Lake Louise. 3 dates this week as the show heads North to Canada - 2 One-on-Ones and a Group Date.

Lennay's Date with Mr. Freeze

While I don't think there was anything especially interesting on this date - OUTSIDE OF THE SNOW BUS - I do think its important to remember that Lennay was left out in the elements during a blizzard on a glacier. Did Lennay have to meet with EMTs and get medical attention? No. For those keeping score at home, this is our first glacier date since Ali left "guard and protect your heart" Kasey in Iceland? Greenland? Somewhere else where there is a glacier.

Can we get back to the Snow Bus?

Is this safe? Should Sean be driving this considering he couldn't drive a stick shift jeep with Selma? 

Later, at the ice castle, it's time for Lennay to open up with her personal story. It turns out her father passed away tragically, she suffered a terrible car accident where she was in a coma for months, only to come out of the coma and find out she had leukemia, eventually die from that leukemia, come back from the dead to have to evade danger from drug dealers, have her long time boyfriend get blown out in the national title game and lastly, become a man. (Thank you Mrs. Dugan). Oh, wait, nevermind...she witnessed her friend's far too young death. I prefer my fake version where no 12 year olds die. 

The sob story is undefeated this season and Lennay gets the rose - a red one. 

Group Polar Plunge

Tierrable (new nickname coming soon!), Righty, the General's Daughter, AshLee Top 3 (new nickname coming soon!), Selma, Abramoff, and Daniella are heading on a canoe trip followed by a plunge into near freezing glacier runoff.

This is the most physically demanding season of the Bachelor/ette ever. I have never seen the men go through such grueling dates on the Bachelorette. And one of the girls is ONE ARMED. This is getting ridiculous. They test her physically every date.

During a few weeks of teasers, we have been forewarned of a Tierrable incident due to the plunge. My issue is that there are cut-away interviews with Tierrable. Fuck. We know she survives whatever fraudulent tragedy she endured.

Selma refuses to take the plunge. Selma says no, "Call me a princess." What princess would that be? JASMINE. Duh.

Selma in desert: “ I don’t do heat.”

Selma in Canada: “I’m a warm weather person.”

Regardless, Dugan is proud that she can't be guilted or peer pressured into this moronic activity.  Abramoff, Daniella, Righty, and AshLee discuss the positives from the experience while Tierrable has a meltdown. Personally, I don't mind seeing Americans tax the Canadian healthcare system with fake healthcare scares. They call 911 down here for tylenol.

Oh, by the way, the other girls were just fine. And even Tierrable managed to recuperate in time for the evening portion of the group date. Some highlights...

• Abramoff is a frontrunner and possible bachelorette material.
• Righty busted out family pictures and it didn't go over well.
• Abramoff drops "Tierrarist" nickname becoming MY FAVORITE BACHELOR/ETTE CONTESTANT OF ALL TIME.
• Sean approves as well and gives her the rose.
• Decides to cut Righty instead of letting her linger. Minorities and handicapped are dwindling. 
• Righty bemoans, “It’s always the same.” Uh...WHAT? You always get dumped on national television during a reality dating show? Does Righty understand there are plenty of two-handed woman out there having trouble in their love lives? 

Say Yes to the Des gets put to the Test

And the intense cardio dates continue. It's repelling down a mountain time. I do give a hat tip to Fleiss & Co. for the inspirational background music nearing the climax of the climb. This duo isn't done and decide to spontaneously climb a tree. I was waiting for some "A Separate Peace" action with Sean cutting her by shaking the branch and Des out of the tree. 

Alas, it's time for a Tee-pee nightcap. I never pictured tee-pees being this large. It was larger than my first home. Say Yes to the Des decides to bring up her personal drama and it opened the door for my first recommendation for quote of the year. Growing up, due to stressful economic conditions, she and her family lived in a tent for months at a time. And a fifth wheel. And a small apartment. A small apartment? The horror, the horror.

Des: “I opened up about living in a tent, and here I am, falling in love in a tee-pee.”

Rose Ceremony during an incredible Michigan/Ohio State game

• Lennay, Abramoff, and Say Yes have Roses.
• Righty is gone.
• Selma kisses to make up for missing the plunge.
• Dugan figured out who AshLee has been remminding him of the entire damn season. She is this matronly but attractive, really odd person with a mixed up past of abandonement. AshLee is Gillian Darmody.
• Gen Daughter gets rose #4.
• Gillian Darmody gets rose #5.
• The Tierrarist gets the Final Rose.
• Selma and Daniella gone. Neither had a nickname. Everyone left has a nickname.

Next week will bring the ladies out of the cold and to the US Virgin Islands.

The Bachelor: Likable Sean Episode 5

The two night Bachelor event has begun.  ABC decided to give us four hours of The Bachelor this week.  I like that they call it an "event."  Merriam-Webster defines an event as a noteworthy happening.  If a bunch of women who are on the show for all the right reasons is noteworthy, then I guess ABC has appropriately described this week's shows.

On to the show. With 11 ladies left, Chris B. Harrison, our spiritual and moral compass, tells us that it's going to get serious.  Today includes the dreaded 2 on 1 date!  And the ladies are meeting Sean in Montana! The girls were fake excited to go to Montana.  I'll bet they would have been much happier to go to Europe or Bali or Hong Kong.  Budget problems ABC?

Sean thinks Montana is really going to challenge the ladies.  Let's hope so:

Solo Date #1: Lindsay

Good news.  They have helicopters in Montana.  Sean says it's the most badass helicopter.  When they got in, I was underwhelmed by the chopper badassness.  The inside looked like the interior of a Ford Taurus.  For those of you not lucky enough to spend most of your childhood in the "way back" of a Taurus station wagon, here's a picture:

The helicopter took them to Glacier National Park.  I'm predicting a picnic date or a bear fight.  Unfortunately, the former won.

In the evening, Lindsay said she doesn't know what brought her here.  Does she mean that literally?  (It was a helicopter).  Figuratively? (it was a lengthy interview process in Los Angeles).

Lindsay and her wrist tattoo get the date rose.

After receiving the rose, Sean had one more surprise.  The entire town of Whitefish, Montana greeted them as Whitefish's only American Idol entry sang a couple songs.  The musical star power on the Bachelor is really taking a hit this season.

Group Date: Selma Hayak, Ashlee Top Three, Say Yes to the Des, Lennay Kekua, Righty, Lesley Abramoff, Robyn, and Daniella

(I was really excited at the possibility of an all-nicknamed group date, but alas, Robyn and Daniella had to ruin it)

The date began with a goat, canoe, and hay relay race.  The goat milk portion of the race required filling up a jar to a predetermined line.  Did ABC have to pay royalties to Double Dare for stealing the game idea?

After some embarrassing canoeing by the other girls, Righty proved that she can do anything that a woman with two full length arms can do in the hay carrying competition.  Say Yes to the Des finished the relay for her team by chugging warm goat milk.  She deserves the rose for that.

Though half of the women got sent back to the Whitefish Lodge, Sean bent the rules and asked the loser blue team to rejoin everyone on the date.  According to Chris B. Harrison, Sean felt that "his wife might be on the blue team."  (Quote of the night nominee).

Selma was not happy that the other team got to come back.  And "when Selma gets angry, Selma gets angry."  Sean probably should not have irked the Iraqi.

During a side interview, Tierrable surprised Sean by approaching him from behind and covering his eyes.  Tierrable is not on this show to make friends.  She's there to find her husband.  She needs to do what's right for her.

Ashlee Top Three had some solo time with Sean. She informed him that she has a "soul connection" with him. (Quote of the night nominee).  She is honestly falling in love with him.  Anybody that claims that this show isn't a real search for true love is out of their mind!

Daniella saw Lennay Kekua sitting on Sean's lap.  This sent her crying back in the house.  Sean then comforted her (mostly with french kissing).

Daniella (from the loser Blue team) got the rose.  Chugging the warm goat's milk was officially not worth it.

2 on 1 Date: Jackie and Tierrable

I feel bad for Jackie.  Sean might like her better, but there's no way that ABC does.  Tierrable is a lock to get the rose.

Jackie made huge Bachelor tactical error by talking trash about Tierrable.  As they say, snitches get limo rides home.

In her solo time, Tierrable revealed that she was with a guy for five years that was "in and out of rehabs."  You read that plural correctly.  Sean quickly clarified that it was "drug and alcohol rehabs." Is that better or worse than some of the alternatives?  Personally, I'd prefer fear of clowns and fear of flying rehab(s).  Tierrable then said the guy died.  I'm calling BS.  I think she just saved this "story" for a moment like a 2 on 1 date.

As predicted, Tierrable got the rose from Sean (and ABC).

Rose Ceremony

Say Yes to the Des may have cost herself a rose by calling Sean unpredictable.  Sean correctly interpreted that she meant keeping Tierra was unpredictable.  Sean was irked because Des and the other girls can't seem to understand that ABC is keeping Tierrable, not Sean.

Tierrable wishes she was a fighter so she could beat up these "bitches."  Robyn said she would approach Tierrable and make this Bad Girls Club.  How meta!  A reality show reference within a reality show.

While Tierrable fought with Robyn, Sean walked into the room.  Tierrable then defended her actions to Sean by saying that she's "not a drama person."  In fact, she's a self-proclaimed "nice girl."

Before giving out roses, Sean had a sit down with Harrison.  Sean went through a lot this week, but a nice chat with Harrison cures what ails you.

After clearing his head, Sean gave the remaining roses to Selma Hayak, Lennay Kekua, Lesley Abramoff, Ashlee Top Three, Righty, and Say Yes to the Des.

Joining Jackie in the loser limo is Robyn.  So much for Sean liking African-American girls.

Until Tuesday night, when we get dangerously cold in Montana.