The Bachelor Episode 4: That Got Serious

Great news: Mrs. Wags is watching her first episode of the season.  When I tell people I make my wife watch the show, I am only half-telling the truth because she only watches the show about half the time.  She must not like an excuse to have whiskey and ice cream as much as I do.

The episode started off with Harrison "accidentally" mistaking Hannah Bama for Miss Cacka.  Accident?  More like great script writing.

Harrison then announced that they are going to a place that the show has never gone before?  A library?  Nope.  They flew to Singapore.  The women freaked out like they won the lottery, but at least Other Hannah was honest when she asked, "Where's Singapore?"

Time for all our loyal readers to be honest: Did you know where Singapore is?

I'm looking at the map, and I'm still not totally sure I could describe how to get there.  

Solo Date: Tayshia

Prediction for every date in Singapore?  Colton and his date(s) further sullying America's reputation abroad.

They decided to go bungee jumping.  Don't do stuff like this in foreign countries, especially when they spell it "Bungy" on the side of the tower.  When Mrs. Wags and I were in Zambia, some of our travel pals decided to do a bungee jump.  Every one of them had back pain for days.  

Tayshia, offering words of encouragement before Colton's big jump, simply stated, "Don't die."  Words to live by for most of life's activities.  

Tayshia said she had a secret to reveal to Colton during the evening portion of the date.  My guess is she's been divorced.  And....boom.  Nail on the head (though it wasn't the wildest of guesses).  On most seasons I would say this would be a medium-big deal.  For Colton, this is surely a deal breaker.  He wants a girl that has the maturity (and appearance?) of a 12th grader.  Having spent time in family court is a little too mature of a life activity.

This

Not this

Tayshia got the rose.  

Other Hannah, AK Elyse, Knicks Sydney, Kirpa, Sixpence Heather, Nigerian Nightmare Onyeka, Crazy Tracy, Demi, Camila Cabella Nicole, Peach Courtney, Teacher Cassie, and Hanna Bama

Remember when I said they were going to ruin America's reputation?

That didn't take long.

In possibly the worst Bachelor date ever, they went to a leech spa.  I've been terrified of leeches since childhood for one reason:  Stand By Me.

via GIPHY

There was so little chemistry on these dates that a street tarot card reader described Teacher Cassie as Colton's "past life sister."  

In the evening portion of the date, Hannah Bama said the most important thing for a man to know is that his wife has "noble character."  Mrs. Wags and I both promised to have noble character during our wedding vows.  Hannah knows what's up. She seems so smart.  Must be the pageant study sessions.  

Demi said she's gone through a lot and is "still" going through it.  I assumed she was going to say that she has an ex-boyfriend that won't leave her alone, but it turns out her mom was just released from federal prison.  Unfortunately, Demi did not reveal the type of crime.  What would be okay to Colton?  Drug trafficking? Not okay.  Conspiracy to commit a crime?  Probably not.  Real estate fraud?  Maybe.  Gun possession?  That's the best case scenario.  Colton is definitely a big 2nd Amendment guy.

Mrs. Wags, watching the show for the first time this season, wondered why Fleiss and Co. cast 25 girls that are pretty much all Corinne.

Proving that he believes in restorative justice, Colton gave the group date rose to Demi.

Solo Date: Miss North Cackalacka

The date was a shopping trip to a women's clothing store at a mall.  While Colton and the viewing audience were supposed to be admiring the dresses, I couldn't stop analyzing the speech impediment caused by Ms. Cack's veneers.  

Later that night, Ms. Cack had a deep secret to reveal.  Ms. Cack's struggles with intimacy are due to being drugged and sexually assaulted in college at a frat party.  There's not much to say on blogger.com about one of the more somber moments on the Bachelor.  Colton seemed to handle it pretty well.  Going forward, this means Hannah Bama has not chance against Cakalacka.  

Cack got the rose.

Rose Ceremony

Colton took Other Hannah to his hotel room.  She was very impressed that the bed was so neatly made.  It's a hotel room, dummy.  Colton had nothing to do with it.  They proceeded to get. it. on. on the hotel bed....while wearing their shoes.  Gross.  There might be leech guts in the bed now.  

Hannah Bama and Cackalacka hashed it out.  Cack said they should support each other as women and apologized.  Maybe she is the most admirable person on the show?  They put aside their differences and now agree that they are basically the same person.

On the other end of the spectrum, Demi told Colton that Peach Courtney is verbally abusive and the "cancer of the house."  Peach then called out Demi and said she's fake.  What a dumb Bachelor fight.

Joining Tayshia, Demi, and Cack with roses was

Other Hannah

Sixpence Heather

Kirpa

Hannah Alabama
Katie
AK Elyse
Knicks Sydney
Teacher Cassie
Camila Cabela
Nigerian Nightmare

Goodbye Peach Courtney and Crazy Tracy.  Upon leaving, Demi said, "Dr. Demi cut out the cancer."  Looks like we have the nickname we've been waiting for.

The Bachelor Episode 3: Technical Difficulties Edition

It's 8:34pm eastern. Dugan walks downstairs after reading Chapter 22 of Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince with the oldest lil' Dugan. I click on the DVR and see we have a recording fail. We have missed the first 34 minutes of the show! Oh no! North Cackalacky is crying. Why? Does it involve her pageant rival Hannah Alabama? OF COURSE IT DOES! Will I be able to blog even though I missed the first 30 minutes? OF COURSE I WILL!

Tale as old as time

True as it can be

Barely even friends

Then somebody gets a crown

Unexpectedly

Just a little change

Small to say the least

Both a little scared

Neither one prepared

Cackalacky & Bama will make you say "oh jeez"

I was a little Beauty and the Beast inspired because it truly is a Bachelor/ette tale as old as time: "If you like her, you can't like me." This one adds another layer because usually the girls are more different. In this version, North Cackalacky and Hannah Alabama are two sides of the same coin. Brunette Beauty Pageant Belles. 

But Brunette

AK Elyse in San Diego

I really like AK Elyse' nickname. I don't remember if it references AK-47s, Alaska or Arkansas. It's fun. 

Is anything interesting going to happen on this date? Unlikely. AK Elyse is concerned about their age difference of 6 years. I don't feel age difference is a big deal once you are out of school. I don't think a 31 and 25 year old are incompatible. But imagine a 3L dating a college freshman. Same age difference and it would have been HILARIOUS! Is it the 18 to 24? Or the school part? 

They spend the day in Belmont Park with kids, lots of screaming kids. One of the kids has kissed a boy, giving her more experience than Sixpence. AK tells a tragic story of her sister dying of cancer and secures the rose. You can't tell a dead sister cancer story and get cut. It's simply not permitted and I respect Fleiss & Co for that. However, you flip the scrip once and you'll really make people lose their damn minds. Just think about it.

But, it's not just a rose that AK gets. But a TeniIle Arts concert! I googled but there is no information available about this artist. 

“Every strong man needs a stronger woman” Group Date with Tayshe, Mina, Brightlight Catherine, Dancer Sidney Nigerian Nightmare, Teacher Cassie, Camila Cabella and Toronto Catlin

Terry and Rebecca Crews welcome the ladies to a group date where they will compete for Colton in various strength competitions. They say that Rebecca Crews is an actress. Are you an actress if you always play yourself? Am I an actor? What more is involved here?

Some strong woman competition highlights.

• Brightline is a martial arts expert.
• Dancer Sidney can stretch like you would expect a dancer to be able to stretch. Not that I noticed.
• Mrs. Dugan's question: “What is Terry Crews in?” Dugan replied, “Old Spice commercials?”
• Camila Cabella is not going to fare well. It appears she went on the South Beach diet to get ready for the show.
• Nigerian Nightmare doing Christian Okeye proud.

The others didn't stand a chance.

One of the girls gives the quote of the night: “White chicks is one of my favorite movies.” We need to get prop bets for the Bachelor. I would have taken 1000-1 odds this would have been said this season in a prop bet. For the record, that quote was not meant to be ironic. 

In the post date nightcap, Canadian Caitlin gets the mid-date exit. This always comes to mind with the harsh exits.

Cocktail Party - No. Pool, Drama, and Roses - Yes.

Colton plays in the pool like he's 15, not 25. Knocking girls off rafts and cannonballs? Maybe 10, not 15. However, no one is paying attention to the child in the pool because Fleiss & Co. have a simmering princess fight to film. 

Hannah Alabama is very straightforward: "There’s a beautiful monster inside of me…there’s a tank of rage…and it’s full…GROWL”

Miss Northcakalacka brings some serious heat. Basically, she says they were friends until North Cackalacka started dominating the pageant circuit and Hannah Alabama couldn't take it. I could go into detail about the charges each lay on the other, but this gif makes a long story, short. 

North Cackalacka v. Hannah Alabama

To the Roses.

North Cackalacka has one (I missed the first 34 minutes, should have guessed thats what sent H.A. over the edge)

Camila Cabella

AK Elise

The other Hannah

Tayshea

Dancer Caitlynn

Teacher Cassie

Kurza

Dancer Sydney

Demi

Crazy Tracy

Ga Peace Courtney

Sixpence Heather

Nigerian Nightmare

Hannah Alabama

Goodbye Outback and Brightline and Nina. We lost two of my favorite nicknames. Adieu, ladies. Until next week when Tim will likely record and blog about the entire show.

The Bachelor Episode 2: Did You Hear This Guy is a Virgin?

First, I scooped the ice cream, and then I got the whiskey.  The routine felt familiar for a Bachelor Monday.  It was dark, rainy, and cold outside as I sat down on the couch.  I nervously turned on the TV, not sure if I was ready to face the reality of the information I was about to learn.  One question was in my mind and needed to be answered: Is this episode of the Bachelor two hours or three hours long?  And then I looked at the TV....and it was like Chris Harrison answered all my prayers and made this episode only two hours!

Now that I know I will have a decent bedtime, let's get on with the show...

The episode kicked off with Colton filming himself in bed naked.  He was basically interviewing himself.  I will not stand for this further marginalization of Chris Harrison.  Harrison asks the questions here!

Free Chris

Group Date #1: Demi, Outback Bri, Crazy Tracy, AK Elyse, Hannah G Thang, Onyeka, Brightline Catherine, Camila Nicole

The date started at a theater with hilarious husband and wife duo Megan Mullaly and Nick Offerman.  You might remember him from his Christmas Yule Log and her from Mad About You.  Most importantly, Nick Offerman is currently a bald and obviously despises the people on this show as much as we do!  "Maybe Colton could give me some tips in the dumbell department."  Pun intended.  

All the girls had to tell a story about their first time doing different things.  

Colton told a story about how a veteran football player asked him, in the locker room, how many women he'd slept with.  For a guy that only played on NFL practice squads for a brief stints (see Dugan's research last week), this seems like a rather personal question.  Or maybe the story is made up.  Yeah, that could be it.  

All of the stories were pretty boring, except Crazy Tracy told a story about beating up her Sorority sister to get to sleep with some guy that was a virgin.  

At night, they went to a swanky LA Club (i.e. a black leather couch on the 39th floor of an LA office building with cool views).  

Demi broke all the rules and touched the group date rose.  This was against the rules.  It was so against the rules that it made Crazy Tracy "sick to her stomach."  This show makes these contestants in-----sane!

Every time Colton talks about sex/intimacy, I can only think of this:

Demi, the youngest of all the young blondes, wisely points out that there is no advantage to being old on this show.  I can't believe I referred to Demi as wise, but she seems to understand Colton.  Prediction: One of the young blondes is winning this show.  

When did Bri lose the fake Australian accent?  I missed the big reveal.  Did Colton also miss the big reveal?

Nicole Cabela said her autistic twin brother is her "everything."  You're likely to lose Carl with statements like that.

AK Elyse, the old lady, got the group date rose.    

Solo Date: Hannah Alabama

Hannah Alabama must have more teeth than the average human.

Back at the house, Miss North Clackalacka admitted that she knows Hannah Bama from the pageant circuit.  And you'll never believe this, but it turns out Hannah Bama is a fake and is not honest about who she really is.  We may have a future fight on our hands.  Roll Tide.

Hannah Bama proposed a toast to "Roll Tide."  It must be great to be an Alabama fan (most of the time).

The conversation wasn't going well, so Colton suggested getting in the hot tub.  They were not getting along well and the conversation was strained, but Colton cannot stand to lose a young blonde this early in the show.

During the evening portion of the date, Hannah Bama said she's not good at expressing her emotions.  I think she meant to say, "I'm not good at putting complete sentences together."

As predicted, Colton's not about to get rid of blondes in the 18-24 demo, thus Bama got the date rose.

Group Date #2: Paw Patrol Alex, Erica, Dancer Katie, Miss North Klack, Knicks Sydney, Tayshia, Nina, Kirpa, Courtney, Caitlin Cyrus, Cassie, and Sixpence Heather.

The group date was at a summer camp that looked like it was a family camp in the Catskills.

Any Mrs. Maisel fans out there!?

They had a wheelbarrow race to determine which team of girls got to hang out with Colton at night.  One of the teams won.  I was too busy trying to find a picture of the Steiner Family Camp to see who won.  

Sixpence Heather (great 90s reference Dugan) admitted that she is not only a virgin, but she also has never been kissed.  He almost kissed her, but they just had some intense hand holding instead.  This could be the most tame fantasy suite season ever. 

The date rose went to Sixpence, beneath the milky twilight.

Rose Ceremony

During the cocktail hour, Demi came out in a robe and took Colton upstairs.  As she took Colton upstairs, Miss Clackalacka delivered the QOTN: "Does she even have parents?"  

Joining AK Elyse, Hannah Bama, and Sixpence with roses was:

Tayshia
Teacher Cassie
Caitlin
Courtney
Demi
Nicole Cabella
Kirpa
Hannah G Thang
Brightline Catherine
Outback Bri
Knicks Sydney
Onyeka
Dancer Katie
Caitlin Cyrus
Nina
Producer Pick: Crazy Tracy

Goodbye Angelique, Annie (a young blonde bites the dust), and Paw Patrol Alex.

Until next week, with more virgin jokes and even more Dugan...

The Bachelor Episode 1: Wetter and Virginous

Ok, off to a rocky start. Don't worry friends, the most suboptimal blog on the Bachelor is back! Even though you likely didn't miss us, we'll labor on for you and look forward to dive into another season featuring former NFL player Colton. While the Dugan family managed to see Mary Poppins, Grinch and Ralph Breaks the Internet over the recent holiday break, we didn't squeeze in Aquaman. Pretty sure I saw enough of Wet Colton during last night's premier to make up for it.

Colton’s a wet Virgin. We get it, ABC. This virginity hook will get very old, very soon. I've always thought this show was an allegory on life and getting very old, very soon about sums up life so far. I must admit I didn't have 3 hours of Bachelor watching in me last night and fast forwarded through the live remotes around the country. Bachelor alums all over the nation prove how good Chris Harrison is at this job. HOLD THE PHONE! NEIL LANE IS IN THE HOUSE!!!

Why we watch

We get introduced to some of the girls. Cassie is a speech pathologist who's in grad school. Hannah Alabama is Miss Alabama who describes herself as the "hot mess express." Ok, I'm listening. Katie is a dancer, Heather, aka Sixpence None the Richer, is 22 and has never been kissed. Like, even by her parents? Never? Or are we just limiting this to romantic kisses. I need to know whether I should be laughing or crying, ABC!

Onyekachukwe Ehie, aka the Nigerian Nightmare, is a 24 yr old IT Risk Consultant. Miami represents with Nicole, aka Camila Cabello, a 25 year old social media consultant. Kirpa is a Dental Hygienist from Whittier, California. 

We meet Demi in Texas, but all I want to know about is her mom. Dad is with stepmom but plenty of people get divorced. We find out that Demi's mom is in federal prison. Get out your PACER accounts, friends! We need details.

Some Virgin Talk

It's been seconds since it was last brought up, so Chris and Colton decide to discuss his virginity. He also talks about the issue with Erica McNut. Colton contradicts himself repeatedly.

At times, he explains it "just happened" because he was a fat, awkward kid growing up. Other times he claims it was a "conscious decision." Did it "just happen" or was it a "conscious decision"? Actually, I do feel like there is some truth in there. It kind of just happened and then he was a virgin in life later than most and it became a more significant thing to him that he wanted to keep for the right time and place.

"It's a conscious decision"

Colton knows it's going to be an issue. He's worried about his inexperience and whether the girls will think he's "not romantic." Chris Harrison, however, comes in from the TOP ROPE! He tells Colton he has to worry whether the girls think "he's not a man!"

Almost there, coach Gundy.

Let's meet the girls

• Texas Demi comes out strong, “I have not dated a virgin since I was 12…”
• Tayshia is a Cally Phlebotomist
• Heather, aka Sixpence, is another Cally girl, 22
• Nicole, Dugan's Miami favorite drops some great quotes later, aka Camilla Cabello
• Caelynn, is 23 and Miss North Carolina
• Sydney, is a Knicks Dancer 
• Elyse, 31, is a make up artist from AK. Is that Alaska or Arkansas? It's not like anyone ever mails those two places so why would you know?
• Tahzjuan, aka Tarzan, is a 25 business development associate from Colorado
• Teacher Cassie is 23
• Kirza the Dental Hygienist from Whittier, CA
• Caitlin is another Canada funny girl, 25 realtor 
• Courtney is our Ga Peach
• Katie, 26 is the dancing medical sales rep
• A sloth showed up. 
• Nigerian Nightmare
• McNut
• Hannah Alabama
• Tracy shows up in a police car as the Fashion Police, 31. I wouldn't care but Camila Cabello responded with a great quote: “Thank god for the fashion police because I've never seen so many sequins in my life” followed by “If another pageant girl comes, I’m out.” Camila is my girl.
• Angelique - Jersey girl
• Devin, Broadcast Journalist 23
• Revian, Nurse, 24
• Nina, 30, Croatian girl
• Alex, aka Paw Patrol is a 29 yr old dog rescuer
• Bri, aka Outback, is a 24 year old model and fake Australian. Get it.
• Laura, 26, Dallas accountant
• Hannah G is a 23 year old content creator from Birmingham, Alabama. She is not to be confused with Hannah B, a 23 year old from Tuscaloosa, Alabama. Are you kidding me Fless & Co?
• Annie, finally, a New Yorker is 23 and...went to the University of Alabama. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
• Jane is a 26 social worker
• Catherine, aka Brightline (more on that later) is a 26 DJ from Fort Lauderdale. I didn't read many bios but Brightline peeked my interest. Of note? She doesn't have any tattoos because "you don't put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari." Her favorite author is Dr. Seuss.
• Cinderella, aka Erin, is 28, Plano TX

PARTY TIME.

Quick recap time!

• The girls like Colton
• Demi is going to cause a lot of drama this season and begins by grabbing him first. 
• Miss North Cackalacka gets the first kiss
• Brightline is Fort Lauderdale's own Catherine. If you don't know, Brightline is our recent trainwreck of a public transit system. Recently introduced, it's killed more people than Florida's most famous serial killer, Ted Bundy. 
• One of the Hannah Alabamas got the first impression rose.
• Clemson keeps scoring.

Rose Ceremony

Miss North Cackalacka

Dancer Katie

Paw Patrol, aka Alex B

Hannah Alabama

Nigerian Nightmare, aka Onyeka

Caitlin

Annie

Kirza

Sixpence, aka Heather

AK Elyse 

Tayshia

Courtney

Teacher Cassie

Demi (THIS GIRL NEEDS A NICKNAME! HIVE MIND UNITE!)

Somebody?

McNut

Knicks Dancer Cindy

Outback, aka Bri

Angelique

Tracy

Camila Cabella, aka Nicole

Brightline, aka Catherine

Friends, remember the little things when you are watching. This show is high comedy. Fleiss & Co. setting up Devin's exit interview while the rose recipients "cheers" each other in the background.

Bravo!