The Bachelorette Episode 7: Emily's Race to Love

Bachelorette Limbo

Emily begins with a recap of last week when she “didn’t send someone home.” “WHAT?!,” say Egg Man and Uncle Rico. Where are Egg Man and Uncle Rico if they weren’t sent home? Does Bachelorette Limbo exist? In the Divine Comedy poem Inferno, Dante depicts Limbo as the first circle of Hell, where its denizens inhabit a brightly lit and beautiful—but somber—castle. Bachelor Pad? Who else is in Bachelorette Limbo?

Back in the Czech Republic, there will be 3 one-on-ones and some Group Action in the final episode before hometowns. There will be no rose on the one-on-ones and one up for grabs on the group date.

Indy Arie and The Secret

Emily invites Indy Arie to czech out Prague on the episode’s first one-on-one date. She knows his secret but wants Arie to volunteer the information. This turns out to be an awful fishing expedition for some deep, dark secret that never materializes.

Back at the Bachelor mansion, Harrison interrupts the episode to introduce himself

“Hi, I’m Chris Harrison…” Really, Chris? We are on episode 7 of season 8, Chris, and we know who you are. The big secret? Indy Arie dated Bachelor/ette producer Cassie Lambert.

Emily continues throwing out questions but Arie isn’t biting.

Harrison re-introduces himself (seriously, he did) and explains Emily, Arie and Cassie discussed his past relationship. Arie is 30. He has known Cassie for 10 years. Meaning this was when he was 20 and it was a “brief relationship.” Mrs. Dugan and guests are pretty confidant that it was a one-night stand.

Indy Arie says “I love you” and gets to stay on the show.

The Wolf Alone

The Wolf - why the hell is this guy still on the show – has the next one on one. Mrs. Dugan brings up another great point: “This is the tamest guy I have ever seen named ‘Wolf.’” What did he do to become “Wolf”? Guest Kristin wonders whether he is Frank-the-Tankesque and turns into “Wolf” when he drinks.

Wolf explains his reticence. He has a hard shell inherited from his father.

After the Lenin wall and Lock gate, Emily and Wolf go back to their dating roots. In a nod to their two-on-one Bermuda Cave date, Emily brings the Wolf to a dungeon. As our loyal readers know, dialogue in this show makes it must see TV. Watch and listen closely to the Wolf discuss his most recent relationship.

“As I age, I date girls that are more like me.” Seems pretty innocuous. But when explaining that the former girlfriend went off the grid cheating with “Doctor Dude,” where did the Wolf look for her? “Hospitals, then prisons.” PRISONS WERE THE SECOND PLACE HE MENTIONED. If Mrs. Dugan is missing, it is going to take me a while to get to prisons.

Some Side Notes

• Emily calls the Wolf a Closer and Sean “closes” his date. Hmmmmmmm.
• Sean. Can a guy without a nickname win?
• Bobblehead Chris is losing it back with the guys. He decided to drink and sit on a ledge. Totally normal.

Castle Time with Sean, Father Doug and Bobblehead

Father Doug looks like he is chaperoning the 2 on 1 date. Doug is squarely in the Friend Zone and starting to remind me of Brent from 2001-2002 Tank Movie of the Year, “Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back.”

Doug’s terrible body language precedes an awkward kiss followed by quote of the night material from Emily: “Thank you for that.” Emily puts him out of his misery and pushes him off Bachelor cliff.

Doug, quivering, “Did I do something wrong?” YES.

Group Date becomes a Two-on-One

Sean’s got a big key, no nickname, more kisses, and a rose. Bobblehead has a crumbling psyche.

Emily: “I hope you don’t take it personally”

Bobblehead Chris: “I am pissed off. If I don’t get a hometown date, I’ll be scared for everyone around me.” Father material for Ricki.

SLC Jef, Puppet Master

Fleiss & Co’s Bachelorette budget is on fumes as SLC Jef and Emily take a date to a Prague bodega and lie on a library floor. I enjoyed the SLC Jef pun when he picked up a puppet for Emily’s daughter: “we couldn’t leave Ricki hanging…” Chortle.

Puppet action, the L bomb and some SLC Jef family talk. Who doesn’t want to meet them? His family is really private and not open to the world.

Rose Ceremony

Bobblehead is continuing his demise. We are watching a man break down on TV. And we thought the Wolf was a goner. Wolf brought out his secret weapon - Bobbleheads’ tendency for foot in mouth issues. Emily saves Bobblehead via shortcutting the cocktail hour and going right for the roses. She doesn’t get to see how desperate Bobblehead has become….or does she.

SLC Jef

Indy Arie

Now, is it the guy named “Wolf” or the guy crying?

After a short pep talk where Bobblehead Chris could not have been more pathetic, Emily chooses…

CHRIS!

WTF?

The Bachelorette Episode 6: Emily's Race to Love

I'll start this week with a confession: I'm a couple (few) glasses of wine and a digestif deep before starting the episode.  Yeah, you heard me right.  I drink digestifs!  What!?  You'll have to pardon me if I stop making sense at around the time of the group date.  Enough about me, you came here to learn about Emily's search for true love.

Welcome to Dubrovnik, Croatia.  Emily carried one bag (I'm guessing she brought more than one) up some steps to the medieval city.  The guys then showed up to their not-so-medieval apartment.  It looks like Don Draper may have had a summer home in Dubrovnik.

Mrs. Wags doesn't think my Mad Men joke is funny.  I think she needs to have another glass of wine.

Solo Date: Egg Man Travis


So I guess this guy is still on the show.  Amazingly, the producers spent the money to fly him out to Dubrovnik.  Fleiss and Co. obviously gave him the first date so he'll get sent home, thereby minimizing the number of Croatian goulash meals they have to pay for.

This date was not interesting.  Egg Man kept talking about how he was engaged.  He broke off the engagement, and has not been on a date (with a woman) in two years.

Egg Man says that he normally dates girls "like Emily, to a T."  He normally dates reality television stars?  No wonder he hasn't been on a date in two years.

To no one's surprise, there is no romance with Egg Man and he's headed home.  Extra goulash for the crew!!!

Group Date: Fr. Doug, Sean, Wolf, SLC Jef, Bobblehead Chris, and Indy Arie (i.e. all the favorites)

Emily started off the date by taking the group to see Disney Pixar's new film "Brave."  Then we got to see a few clips from the movie, not yet released.  This was some of the most blatant product placement to date.  If you want product placement, well, you're going to get it:

The date continued with the guys putting on kilts and competing in the Scottish highland games.  Usually I defer to the superior judgment of Fleiss and Co., but I have to question why they didn't fly to SCOTLAND for the SCOTTISH highland games.

The first event was archery.  Most of the guys did really well, coming very close to the bullseye.  And then there was Bobblehead Chris.  He missed the target completely.  The next event was the log throw. Sean broke the log, and according to Emily, "looked really hot."  She seems to like the meat head type. The final event was a stick arm wrestling thing.  It was so boring that ABC only devoted 45 TV seconds to it.

By the way, there is no such thing as the Croatian highland games.  When doing a google image search, this is the first picture that popped up:

After "laying it on her" that he could fall in love, Bobblehead got the rose.  My Rose-dar was down.  I thought for sure that Bobblehead was getting sent home tonight.

Solo Date: Uncle Rico Ryan


"I'm due for a rose"  "I wake up every day thinking what can I be.  Most men don't do that."  "I'm a good looking guy.  I know that."  If only we all had Uncle Rico's confidence (and beard-growing ability).

Uncle Rico and Emily went oyster tasting on a boat.  Emily embarrassed herself by spitting out the oyster off the side of the boat.  You're not welcome to picnic with us, Maynard.

Uncle Rico kept saying that he wants Emily as a "trophy wife."  After initially buying into his BS, Emily finally called him on it.  She doesn't want have to fit into his "mold."  Emily, proving once again that she has serious guts, sends overconfident Uncle Rico home.  I guess it turns out that Uncle Rico can't throw a football over those mountains.

But wait, Uncle Rico made an impassioned plea to stay on the show.  Emily decided to follow her heart  and stay strong against his Jedi mind tricks.

Though no tears, Uncle Rico's exit felt Kenny Powers-esque, especially when he compared himself to "the greatest men on Earth."

Rose Ceremony


In a classic Bachelor/ette move, Indy Arie showed up unannounced to Emily's hotel in order to comfort her after sending Rico home.   One guy (or gal) does this every season.  How do they know where the Bachelorette is staying?  If everyone knows, why don't more of the guys show up in the middle of the night?  Why leave after a quick make out session?  Why not stay the night?  HARRISON, I demand answers.

After some emotional crying by Humble Fr. Doug, the remaining roses went to Sean, SLC Jeff, Indy Arie, an....and....and....and....Emily has left the building.

Good thing Harrison made the trip to Croatia.  He was there to advise Emily that "there are no rules."  Though not technically correct, Emily got the encouragement she needed to get and extra rose and keep Wolf and Fr. Doug on the show for at least one more week.

Until next week, when Dugan Czechs your baggage as our journey continues to Prague.

The Bachelorette Episode 5: Emily's Race to Love

We are off to London for Episode 5 and the men are down to 10. Some would even say it's The Final Countdown.

But let's take a closer look at the ten gathered at Trafalgar Square.

Mrs. Dugan looks at the Ten and says it is still very easy to pick guys that will not win. She looks at the pic and declares the only realistic shots belong to Indy Arie, Sean, and Bobblehead. Do you agree? Let us hear from you in the comments.

Emily's "Prisoner of Love" 

Sean's date card reads, "Love takes no prisoners." Dugan thinks..."hmmm, they're going to the Tower of London." But Sean hears the date card and says, "I have no idea what that means." And...point Dugan.

Before they get to what Emily calls "London Tower," Emily and Sean take in the sights including Westminster Abbey, St. Paul’s Cathedral and Buckingham Palace.

Back at the House

Indy Arie, SLC Jef, Kalon Hilfiger are talking about the group date v. one-on-one dynamic and Kalon - while twisting his mustache in dastardly fashion - explains that the rest of your life is a group date due to Ricki always having to be around, you know, being Emily's daughter and all.

Well, then. It's official. Kalon Hilfiger has become Snidely Whiplash. The transformation is complete.

Back to Sean's date and cliches about dating in prison. I have to give Emily a lot of credit. She has not - AT ALL - hid the fact that she wants kids, lots of them, and quickly. Sean says he would prefer two kids but would accept up to ten. He's going far in this competition.

A Play by any other Actors is a much better Play

Bobblehead, Indy Arie, Uncle Rico, Father Doug, Ollie Handro, Egg Man, Wolf, and Kalon "Snidely Whiplash" Hilfiger get to embarrass themselves reciting lines from Romeo & Juliet at the Bard's birthplace, Stratford-upon-Avon.

• Egg Man brings the enthusiasm.
• Kalon Hilfiger continues to pad his Bachelor Pad villain resume. You've done enough.
• For his own safety, I hope Indy Arie is a better race car driver. Palindrome. Boom.
• Ollie, Wolf, Rico and Kalon achieve Romeo status.
• Father Doug and Indy Arie play female parts. 
• Egg Man and Bobblehead get to sword fight.
• Egg Man has become a clown only there for comic relief. 

After Party at the Cox Yard

The what?!? 8 guys walk into a bar called the Cox Yard. Mrs. Dugan points out that Emily's milkshake brought all the boys to the yard. OK, I chuckled. But I love bad jokes. Let's get back to Cox Yard. Seriously. Was Dick's Inn not available? OK, I'll move on. Meanwhile, back at the Cox Yard...

• Arie gets a kiss.
• Rico gives jewelry and gets a hug. Touche, Arie.
• Kalon Hilfiger seals his fate with this gem regarding his enthusiasm of talking with Emily: “I’ll get a chance to talk to an exhausted sick mother who has a child waiting on her..."
• WELCOME TO BACHELOR PAD 3 Kalon!
• That wasn't enough so he describes Emily's daughter as “Baggage”

• Father Doug tattles
• Emily gets redneck
• Kalon exits in a minivan. Minivan? They have minivans in Europe?

 SLC Jef to the rescue

SLC Jef gets his first one-on-one to help put Emily back in the mood. An etiquette teacher rubs Emily and SLC Jef the wrong way and they ditch her to grab some beers and Fish & Chips. There’s a lot more beer drinking in London v. Wine in America. Over the beers, SLC Jef explains that if Ricki is baggage, she's a Khloe Handbag.  Dugan is not very hip, but I know Khloe sells stuff at Sears.

The rest was boring and then they kissed.

Rose Ceremony

• Hot Seat for Egg Man, Wolf and Indy Arie.
• Rico wants to have fun. What doesn't say fun more than a second scarf in one episode. Uncle Rico is now Uncle Jon Voight Rico.
• Kalon is already jettisoned, Sean and SLC Jef have Roses. What 6 are joining them?
• Father Doug, Uncle Jon Voight Rico, Bobblehead, Wolf, Indy Arie and the Egg Man.
• Goodbye to the “farmer” from Medellin.

Until next week when Wags takes over for the Croatian episode. Fun Fact. Croatians can coach: Nick Saban, Bill Belichick and Rudy Tomjanovich agree.

Sonoma Ben Update...

Our inside source from twitter, @bublgumachine has provided the following paparazzi-esque update on our old pal Sonoma Ben:

Spotted. Ben the bachelor walking toward city tavern sans house bitch. Looking marina girl ready #wwtv #bachelor

The Bachelorette Episode 4: Emily's Race to Love

Who needs the fourth quarter of game five of the Spurs-Thunder series?  Not me!  Ever since Chris B. Harrison granted my wish to have the show run from 8 to 10 rather than 9 to 11, I feel obligated to watch at the given time.  And I believe in true love.  So there's that.

Good news gentlemen, you're packing your bags and leaving Waffle House, Applebee's, and Charlotte behind.  We're off to Bermuda.  According to Emily, Bermuda has "Emily" written all over it.  Amazingly, she's right.

When the guys arrived, Fleiss and Co. put them on a Vespa motorcycle death ride.  Unfortunately, SLC Jeff survived.  

Solo Date: Father Doug

Ugh.  This guy is so annoying.  In case you didn't know, he put his whole life on hold to be there.  Fr. Doug was very nervous about his date.  He should have channeled that nervousness into choosing a better wardrobe.  I'm not feeling the v-neck, khaki shorts, and penny loafer look.

When asked how he got to be the way he is, Fr. Doug replied, "by being a dad."  Before fatherhood, this was Doug:

The date took them to a Bermudian tradition, the "moon gate."  Amazingly, it allowed the entrants to make a love-based wish.  For someone like me that believes in true love, this was pretty cool.  

As the date went on, Emily gave Fr. Doug the kiss-of-death by saying that he reminds her of Brad because he seems so perfect. For those of you new to this show, "perfect" = shady, robotic, potentially abusive, and boring.  

Father Doug got a rose, but it sure didn't feel like he's going far in this competition to be Ricki Bobbie's daddy.  

Group Date: Trauma Charlie, Uncle Rico, Chris, SLC Jef, Sean, Indy Arie, Egg Man, Kalon

The group date was all about sailing.  Kalon announced that he is excited to get some sun.  I couldn't think of a funny or appropriate way to post a picture of a sunbathing dude.  

The date consisted of a boat race to get a date with Emily later in the night.  As the race started, it became clear that it is very hard to look cool while sailboat racing.  Cutoff finger gloves, wind burned faces, and teva sandals are not a great look.  And believe me, I know cool.  

Trauma Charlie's team lost.  On the van ride back to the hotel, he sobbed.  I think that brain injury is rearing its ugly head.

The winners (SLC Jef, Kalon, Rico, Indy) got to have dinner with Emily.  Uncle Rico, really going for the villain role, toasted to Emily, his future "trophy wife."  

While Uncle Rico was getting offensive, Indy Arie was making out with Emily.  Indy Arie is going to the final two.  

Uncle Rico Ryan and Emily engaged in some Southern banter.  Mrs. Wags tuned out because it sounded like the coach in the Waterboy.  

The date rose went to SLC Jef.   Still, no one has acknowledged his hairdo. 

2-on-1 Date to the Death: Nate (who?) and Wolf

On this date, one person must go home.  I haven't kept great Bachelor/ette statistics, but I am pretty sure that the winner of the 2-on-1 date has never won the whole show.  This year will be no exception. 

The real drama was happening back at the house.  Father Doug (33 years old) picked a fight with Bobblehead Chris (25 years old).  As you can tell from my parentheticals, the fight was about age and maturity.  

Back on the date, dinner with the two eventual losers was in a cave.  It seemed damp; in humidity level and spirit.

The meal included quinoa.  I have nothing else to say about that.

Both of the guys were interested in "being themselves" and showing Emily "who they really are."  Apparently, Wolf did a better job and got the rose.  I guess Nate's real self just wasn't good enough.

Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony

Before the party, Emily did some homework with Ricki Bobbie.  Apparently, she has now enrolled in home schooling.  That usually works out well.

After hearing Uncle Rico talk about how awesome he is and how he could throw a football over those mountains, he made the mistake of admitting that he wants to be the next Bachelor.  

Father Doug and Bobblehead Chris had another showdown about the age (non) issue.  Chris said he's never going to "stand down" to Doug.  Doug appropriately pointed out that Chris was acting immaturely by even having the conversation.  Chris looked like an idiot.  Point: Father Doug.

In her interview with Harrison, Emily said she has that "sixth sense."  Hopefully she doesn't give any roses to dead Bachelors she thinks are in the room.

In addition to the three date roses, Emily awarded Sean, Indy Arie, Egg Man Travis, Bobblehead Chris, Uncle Rico, Kalon, and Ollie Handro.

Trauma Charlie and Ponytail Mike are headed home.  What a trauma-tic ending.  

Until next week in London.  Get well Prince Philip.