The Bachelorette Episode 6: JoJo and the Bullies

In addition to being on the lookout for any sign of receding hairlines among these guys, I am also going to pay attention to whether the roses that they use are real.  I believe that the date roses are fake and the rose ceremony roses real.  While the answer to this question is of little consequence, most of the questions related to this show are inconsequential.  Of greater consequence is that I have vanilla ice cream and scotch in my brand new crystal glass (thanks to Mrs. Wags on father's day!)  On to the show...

The episode started off in Argentina.  This is perfect because lots of Bachelor(ette) contestants cry, and the most famous Argentinian also likes to cry.

JoJo just said "funnest."  Step into my office...you're fired. 

Harrison announced that, for the first time in Bachelor history, there will be a second two-on-one date.  America collectively remains unimpressed.  

Solo Date: All 4 Wells

Before his date, All 4 Wells announced that he is the only guy that has not kissed JoJo.  The other guys were "blown away" that he hasn't kissed her because they can't keep their hands off her.  

As they left for their date, the bullies all laughed at how nervous All 4 Wells appeared.  Chase Needs a Nickname said he needs to "besame brochacho."  Good thing he has cool hair because he has nothing else going on in the skull-region.  

The date theme was celebrating the vibrant culture of Buenos Aires, or as JoJo calls it, Bwenose Aries. They did some performance art while All 4 Wells debated whether to kiss JoJo.  He constantly second guessed when to kiss her.  He needs to bring K-Ci and JoJo as a confidence booster.  

Confession: I have no idea which guy was K-Ci

On the evening portion of the date, JoJo stuck with her standard question, "tell me about your last girlfriend."  All 4 Wells ended his last relationship because they treated each other more like friends.  Unfortunately, All 4 Wells just described the way JoJo feels about him.  All 4 Wells did not get the rose, but JoJo consoles him by letting him know that it has been "amazing" to get to know him.

JoJo "never thought her first kiss with Wells could be her last."  Mrs. Wags, looking down at her phone when JoJo uttered this quote, quipped "Did she kill him?"  That would be quite a twist.

Group Date: Cool Hand Luke, Robby, QB4 Jordan, Sweet Baby James, and Marine Devito

Sweet Baby James is feeling intimidated because the guys are all so perfect and are really cool dudes.  Get out your acoustic guitar RIGHT NOW.  Even the playing field Sweet Baby.  You don't need swoopy hair and a six-pack.  You can sing FIRE AND RAIN!!!  

The date included some street futbol penalty kick challenges. Only Sweet Baby made the kick.  Take that, jocks.  Missed penalty kicks in Argentina?  That sounds familiar.

In the evening the guys' hair looked extra swoopy.  Cool Hand Luke, one of the swoops, gives me the creeps.  Mrs. Wags seems convinced that he is a vampire.  I do not think I saw his face sparkle in the sun, but I can't be sure.  Yeah I read Twilight!  Team Edward, all the way. 

Sweet Baby did not take my advice on the acoustic guitar, rather he decided to talk smack about QB4.  Sweet Baby said QB4 has a "stud arm" and "appears in magazines."  Um, Sweet Baby, that's Jordan Rodgers, not Aaron Rodgers.  They are different people.  

I asked Mrs. Wags if it seems like too many of these guys are wearing leather jackets.  I was glad I asked because Mrs. Wags broke out in song:  

JoJo told QB4 that Sweet Baby thinks he is entitled.  Fight fight fight fight!

Cool Hand Luke stayed above the fray and got the date rose.

2-on-1 Date: Harry Potter Derek and Chase Needs a Nickname

Chase Needs a Nickname started off the date by saying that he is keeping his cards "close to his chest."  Close, but no cigarette.

The date activity was three-person tango dancing.  The dance class became a battle of passion and intense stares; hair gel and intentional stubble.  

Mrs. Wags, in an attempt to help us with Chase's nickname, suggests "Chasey and JoJo."  She then quickly and confidently followed up with, "you're welcome."  

I think I just got a slight eye-whiff of a receding hairline on Harry Potter Derek.  While he now becomes my favorite contestant, it means he's probably headed home soon.  

JoJo thought Chase Needs a Nickname needs to express how he feels.  Chase responded by saying he "came to the show for a reason, and the reason is you."  Mrs. Wags, still on fire from her West Side Story reference, points out that Chase quoted Hoobastank.  Yes, Hoobastank.  You remember these guys, you just didn't remember that they were called Hoobastank.

As predicted, Chase Needs a Nickname got the date rose and a slow dance to Don't Cry for Me Argentina (obviously).  Harry Potter cried all the way home in the minivan (obviously).  

Cocktail Party and Rose Ceremony

Highlights:

- The guys' hair height.

- Mrs. Wags declaring that JoJo's future husband may not be in the room.

- Sweet Baby continuing to ask for kiss-permission.

- Therapy sessions with Harrison.

Lowlights:

- Marine Devito's height.

- QB4's tight suit pants.

- Holding wine glasses on the bowl rather than the stem.

- Giving everyone a rose.

Joining Chase Needs a Nickname and Cool Hand Luke with roses was:

Robby

QB4

Marine Devito

Sweet Baby

JoJo did not send anyone home.  Boo.  

Until next week, when there is hopefully more analysis of margherita pizza...

The Bachelorette Episode 5: Adios Turd, Hello Uruguay

Oh, hey Turd.

First, I apologize for the delay in blogging this week. Especially since we ended last week on a cliffhanger with the Turd stalking the woods of Pennsylvania after being beat out by Marine DeVito on the two-on-one. The men in the house confront Turd one final time. Guess what? He has not miraculously matured into a rational adult. The Turd is forced out.

Cue All 4 Wells: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BpkU4xKkp44

Pennsylvania Rose Ceremony

Let’s get to the highlights and the exits.

• Jim Gym pulls some poetry in a late round bid for a knockout.
• Damn Daniel not happy with Cool Hand Luke’s interruption when CHL already had a rose.
• All 4 Wells lamented the loss of the common enemy, Turd.
• ED Evan talked about how the guys have become mini-Chads. This sounds terrible.

• Cool Hand Luke, Marine DeVito, and QB4 have roses.
• Who’s joining them in South America?
• Harry Potter Derek
• Swimmer Robby
• Chase
• All 4 Wells
• Firefighter Grant
• Vinny Barbarino
• Sweet Baby James
• ED Evan

Goodbye Damn Daniel and Jim Gym. That poetry must have sucked. Damn Daniel at least gave a solid quote on the way out: “I got a better chance of getting struck by lightning while shaving my face”. WHAT?

Uruguay

QB4 gains the first one-on-one rose much to the other guys’ chagrin. All 4 Wells and others are starting to question QB4s motivation. Is he here for the right reasons? Where is Guard and Protect Your Heart Casey when you need him? JoJo confronts QB4 about an ex and claims that QB4 was not a good bf. QB4 said he did not cheat but “was in an environment where I enjoyed talking to other girls.”

Meanwhile, back at la casa, the guys are reading gossip magazine articles about JoJo’s ex – ironically named Chad. As the guys whip themselves into a frothy mess, it becomes very easy to understand why all these “great guys” are still single. Fleiss & Co. explain the situations to JoJo she nears a breakdown. To be honest, this seems like a fairly awful period in her life and the guys do a nice job supporting her when she opens up to them.

Sand Surfing with Cool Hand Luke, Harry Potter, Chase, ED Evan, Sweet Baby James, Barbarino, Firefighter Grant, All 4 Wells, and Marine DeVito

• Some good wipeouts are interrupted by Harry Potter’s insecurity.
• Sweet Baby James keeps asking for kisses. It’s pathetic.
• Marine DeVito is ready to take on Harry Potter as the next Turd.
• Derek gets the reassurance rose from JoJo.
• Marine DeVito calls him “an insecure little bitch.” Lovely. Marine DeVito is the guy who spends the whole season talking about other guys.

Swimmer Robby and the non-spontaneous spontaneous date.

JoJo lauds Robby’s spontaneity as he was willing to just jump off the cliff in the water. It was so lucky that they both had their swimsuits on. How fortuitous! Later that night, Swimmer Robby details the tragic loss of his friend and drops a LOVE BOMB.

JoJo’s response? “Thank you so much” Hahahahahah. #LoveThisShow

Uruguay Rose Ceremony

Who has roses? QB4, Robby, and Harry Potter. Joining them?

• Cool Hand Luke
• Chase
• Marine DeVito
• Sweet Baby James
• All 4 Wells

No flame for you Firefighter Grant. Not enough testosterone, ED Evan. Up your nose with a rubber hose, Barberino.

The Bachelorette Episode 4: JoJo's Blueberry and Paper Airplane Life

As the poet Ludacris once said, "Oh no, a fight's out.  I'm about to punch yo [sic] lights out."  While Ludacris was impolitely asking a woman to "get out the way," he might as well have been sending a prophetic warning to ED Evan.  Turd's cycling steroids like I'm cycling ice cream (butterscotch pecan) and whiskey.  Let's begin...

The episode picked up with Turd being forced to make nice with the other less-meaty meats. Turd's version of an apology was to say that he will give ED $20 for a new t-shirt.  ED just wanted Turd to promise that he won't be violent.  Turd could not even really promise that.

Pool Party and Rose Ceremony

Instead of a cocktail party, the guys and JoJo had a pool party.  Jim-Gym pulled a reverse Damn Daniel and jumped in the pool wearing a business suit.  The pool party then came to a screeching halt when ED Evan got a bloody nose in the pool.  I can only remember one other instance of a pool clearing out as quickly:

The pool day took a more serious turn when Turd accused all the guys of talking about him to JoJo (they were.)  

Turd very angry.  About to make explosion.

Turd confronted Harry Potter about talking about him.  Harry Potter tried to pull a Jedi mind trick and told Turd, "Perception is reality." Is that true?  I am going to have to think about that one. 

Turd said he does not watch the Bachelor/ette because he "has a job and a life."  So I'm guessing he doesn't also have a Bachelor Blog?  

At the Rose Ceremony, joining ED Evan, Sweet Baby, and Chase with roses, was:

Firefighter Grant

Harry Potter Derek

QB4

Robby

All 4 Wells

Jim-Gym (really falling in love with this nickname)

Vine Barbarino

Damn Daniel

Marine Devito

Turd

Goodbye Aladdin Ali  St. Nick, and Big Brother Christian.  Tough go for short guys.  Marine Devito is in trouble.  Mrs. Wags sadly says, "Who knew Santa could be so boring?"  JoJo ruined Christmas.

Great news!  The Bachelorette is leaving the mansion to a mystery location.  Bad news!  They're going to Pennsylvania.  The budget cuts are in full effect.

Solo Date #1: Cool Hand Luke

The date started with dog sledding on a wheeled cart.  Pennsylvania is such a wannabe Alaska.  The dogs dropped them off at a wood-fire hot tub in the forest.  Pennsylvania is confusing.  

The fire hot tub was an epic fail.  Not surprisingly, it is hard to control the temperature on wood burning hot tub.  JoJo burned herself.  

Something about Cool Hand seems a little off.  I think it's his eyes (I really like to look deeply into their eyes).  Then it hit me.  Because I've watched every Ashley Judd movie with Mrs. Wags multiple times, I realized who he looks like:

Is Cool Hand Luke also a war criminal?

Back at the house, Turd says you don't want to poke the "Chad Bear" because if he punches you, "you're head would explode."  Turd is like Harambe, a 400 pound gorilla that may need to be put down for the safety of others.  

Cool Hand Luke got a rose, but before the date ended, JoJo had one more surprise.  They went to a  Dan + Shay concert at the Palace in Allentown to slow dance in front of the audience.  I had to go an expert to figure out who Dan + Shay are:

Wags: Have you heard of Dan + Shay?

Brother Wags aka Little Wags: I have indeed.  They play solid, kind of Pop-esque country songs.

Wags: They were on the Bachelorette tonight.

Little Wags: Sell outs.  They're dead to me.   

Group Date: Harry Potter, Sweet Baby James, All 4 Wells, Damn Daniel, Chase Needs a Nickname, Jim-Gym, Vinny Barbarino, Ed Evan, Firefighter, QB4, and Robby

The guys went to Heinz Field, home of another notorious meathead, Ben Roethlisberger.  Big Ben, along with Hines Ward and Brett Keisel, put the guys through some football drills.    I wish Brett Keisel was on the show because he has a hairline that I can relate to.

My kind of guy

Back at the house, Marine Devito and Turd discussed their impending two-on-one date.  Turd says sometimes the only way to get someone to shut their mouth is to hit them.  Harrison better intervene before this gets ugly.

On the date, the guys played a 5-on-5 game.  In an unusual display of fairness, QB4 played all-time quarterback.  ED Evan got his second bloody nose of the night.  So sexy.

Shockingly, the team with ED Evan and Sweet Baby won the game.  It's a team sport, baby.  (GO WARRIORS!!!)

In the evening portion of the date, JoJo said that Robby is a "man."  I'd agree, except that he goes by "Robby."  C'mon Rob/Bob/Robert/Bert, grow up.  (Not enough "Berts" these days.)

QB4 got the date rose.

Two-on-One Date: Turd vs. Marine Devito

In preparation for the date, Turd called Devito a "whiny little bitch" and challenged him to go outside.    Turd said he would also find QB4 after the show and harm him.  Turd makes Sosa and McGwire's steroid use seem tame.  

Vinny Barbarino said the "notorious Chad" and the "notorious Alex" were going on dates.  When we need a nickname for Chase, we probably should not ask Barbarino.  

The date took the guys to the middle of nowhere in Pennsylvania.  The trio went on a hike to find the Blair Witch.  While in the forest, Fleiss and Co. made their all-time riskiest decision to give a machete to Turd and an axe to Marine Devito.  The Bachelorette's insurance agent must have been holding his or her breath.  

My real life handwriting may be worse than my digital handwriting.

Marine Devito outed Turd for threatening to physically harm the other guys.  Turd defended himself by saying that he has not hurt anyone, but has only threatened them.  He should hire an attorney to make all statements for him.  

Predictably, Turd confronted Marine Devito.  In a peculiar exchange, Turd said that it's too bad that life is not "all blueberries and paper airplanes."  Turd also said Marine Devito needed to chill out with a glass of milk because, "milk is delicious."  I can't disagree.  We then learned that Turd is also a Marine!  Who isn't a war veteran on this show?

Marine Devito got the date rose.  Hide the machete!  Turd is going home.  Like Turd always says, life isn't all blueberries and paper airplanes.  

Turd walked through the forest to confront the guys back at the house.  

To be continued in two weeks, when we find out if Turd is actually the Blair Witch. 

The Bachelorette Episode 3: JoJo and the Meats

Hello from sunny South Florida as Dugan brings you the night 1 recap of a 2-night Bachelor special. I really don’t know how “special” this episode was, but I’ll try my best to capture the highlights before Tim brings you tonight's dramatic conclusion.

We wake up after last week’s rose ceremony and the house is a disaster, littered with Turd’s meat plates and shame. Look, Fleiss & Co. like to set up the same roles every season and they outdid themselves this year on the dickhead role. Lines in the sand have been drawn with the entire house on one side and Turd on the other with an occasional pep talk from Damn Daniel.

We have three dates with two boring One-on-Ones and a Group Date with enough action to make up for the dud dates.

JoJo, Chase, Angergasms and a Band No One’s Heard

Chase doesn’t have a nickname which is never a good omen. Chase gets a one-on-one yoga date with JoJo. I expected a calmer experience but was greeted with tantrums and angergasms. Is this normal yoga behavior?

Honestly, there really wasn’t much to write about this boring date. Chase’s parents divorced and he doesn’t want to make the same mistake. We hear a band no one knows and Chase earns the rose.  Moving forward, we are going out of order to bring you the second one-on-one simply to get it out of the way. 

Sweet Baby James and the Brian Setzer Orchestra

Sweet Baby James and JoJo learn to jump, jive an’ wail while James drops a sneaky contender for QOTN: “I’m just hoping JoJo is looking for a normal guy.” Solid work, normal guy. He explains that he was awkward growing up and doesn’t have much confidence in his looks. It’s another boring date that also garners a rose. 

Group Sex Talk with QB4, Firefighter Grant, All 4 Wells, Jim Gym, Brother Daddy, Aladdin Ali, Damn Daniel, Saint Nick, ED Evan, Marine DeVito, Barbarino, and Turd

Predictable but a true classic from Salt-N-Pepa. The men are invited to a local community theatre where they detail their most embarrassing sex stories. Damn Daniel gives Turd the worst advice imaginable: Get your courage up with alcohol. Probably not a good idea considering who he was talking to.

Some highlights

• Firefighter Grant lost his virginity in a park and was arrested.
• Saint Nick knows his ABCs.
• QB4 detailed the importance of fluffing.
• Damn Daniel has some some major issues beyond befriending Turd.

ED Evan tops the rest with ease. He takes on the Turd with a searing take on steroids clearly directed at Turd. Turd does not approve and rips his shirt while passing to get on stage. He then falls flat when he tries to kiss JoJo but she deftly offers a cheek instead. 

ED Evan's Performance

Turd's Performance

The evening cocktail party was brought to you by the T-birds with JoJo, Barbarino, ED Evan, Firefighter Grant, and Ali all sporting leather jackets. 

Mostly this night becomes the ED Evan v. Turd show. Turd does drop some inside info saying ED Evan has 3 kids. This has not come out from EDE yet? We need more Evan backstory. Pastor turned ED specialist with three kids who may be on the wrong show...if you catch my drift. Regardless, Evan gets the rose and Turd is confused. To be fair, that’s likely a common feeling for Turd.

Chad's incredulity brought what would normally be the Dugan QOTN: “Is this real? Is this a real scenario right now…You’re actually right now vibing this dude?”

Back at the House

Harry Potter is scared for his life since he sleeps next to Turd. I haven’t read the books or seen the movies, but isn’t Harry Potter a wizard? He should be tougher. A Security Guard patrols the property in a high-letter yellow safety vest (WHY???) to protect the guys from Turd.

Damn Daniel decides it’s time to sit down with Turd.

DD: “Let’s just pretend your Hitler”

T:     “Let’s not say that”

DD:  “Let’s just pretend”

T:      “No”

DD: “Don’t be so much like Hitler, be more like Mussolini. Take it down a notch. Say your like Donald Trump…it doesn’t look good if I’m friends with you.”

I LOVE THIS SEASON. ED Evan turns to Chris Harrison to save him. Chris agrees to talk with Turd. Until tomorrow when we find out whether Chris’ efforts pay off. 

Save us, Chris.

Hint: they wont.